Find Your Life Preserver by Rick Reynolds

As a boy I took a course in lifesaving. This may come as a surprise to some, but I actually passed it. I even remember “rule #1,” never, never, never get into the water with a drowning person. Trying to save a drowning person can well result in your own death. Not that they intend to drown you, but at the moment of crisis they’ll grab whatever possible in a frantic attempt to keep from going under. If you’re nearby, then you just might be the most convenient available platform. Survival instincts can cause us to respond in unnatural ways.

Strangely enough, couples are a lot like drowning swimmers. It’s not that they are trying to hurt anyone, but in a frantic attempt to keep from drowning, they have a strange tendency to use their mate, hurting them in the process. Rarely do I meet people whom I consider evil. Generally, each party in a relationship is genuinely liked and respected by friends and peers. Only in the context of their own marriage do they struggle. When you feel that you’re going down for the last time, it’s hard to have a calm and rational response set. Instead, you are desperately trying to survive.

I believe it’s good to have a “lifeguard” as we swim the swift currents of marriage. I define this as someone who has training and experience in the art of throwing a lifeline, someone who has been in the water and knows how to survive and who knows how to get you to a safe place.

For this very reason, the “ARC Mentorship” program was created. When you are in life’s biggest crisis, it’s incredibly helpful to have someone who has “been there and done that.” This person knows what it’s like to be drowning and can throw you a life line, giving hope in what seems a hopeless situation.

In our recovery, the couples reaching out to us made all the difference. Thankfully, God placed knowledgeable couples in our path who had successfully navigated the difficult currents created by betrayal. They spoke hope and were an inspiration in the fact that they had survived the most difficult circumstance either of us could imagine. They helped us understand what to do. They prayed for us. They cried with us. They celebrated with us. Bottom line, they made the journey with us and poured life and hope into our struggling hearts.

The only problem is, where do you find a good “lifeguard” when you need one? How do you locate someone who has had the necessary training? It’s not necessarily a therapist or counselor. Please don’t think I’m saying the services of a professional are not necessary. Frequently the services of professionals are imperative for a couple to survive. There are times, however, when due to their lack of personal experience, professionals may not have the skills or the understanding of what you are going through. As Francis Shaeffer said:

"Only the one who has been hurt can bring healing. The other person cannot. It is the one who has been hurt who has to be willing to be hurt again to show love, if there is to be hope that healing will come.”

It needs to be someone who truly knows what you’re going through and who has, if possible, been through your circumstance. Someone who understands the magnitude of the fear, the pain, and the instability. The person who has survived a betrayal and rediscovered life after infidelity may be closer than you know.

Recognizing the great benefit that hurting couples can receive from others who have already walked this difficult road, The Affair Recovery Center has formed a mentor network for our online community. We pair our members with an individual or couple who has been through a similar situation. All of our mentors have already gone through what you’re experiencing, and are standing by to reach out to those who are traveling the same difficult road. You don’t have to be alone. Whether through the ARC or elsewhere, there are others who are willing to reach out a hand to you.

Learn more about the ARC online mentors http://www.affairrecovery.com

Divorce and Remarriage: What Jesus Says

Q: The New Testament seems to support divorce for a narrow range of reasons, but does it support remarriage?
—K.A.Miller, Wheaton, Illinois

A: There are three New Testament passages that bear most directly on the subject of divorce and remarriage. I suggest that when they are carefully considered, they prove to be both more demanding and less restrictive on the question of divorce and remarriage than evangelicals have often acknowledged.

Luke 16:18 is a very bold, straightforward saying that seems to settle the issue quickly: "Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery, and whoever marries a woman divorced from her husband commits adultery" (all quotations from the NRSV). Both divorce and remarriage are just plain wrong—right?

Almost all New Testament scholars agree that this saying is an abbreviation of a saying of Jesus that appears in its fuller form in Matthew 5:31–32 in the Sermon on the Mount. After discussing his views contrasted with those in Judaism, Jesus remarks, "It was also said, 'Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.' But I say to you that anyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of unchastity, causes her to commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery."

It is noteworthy that Jesus clearly sees some circumstances that legitimize divorce. A marriage continues to be valid until one party dissolves the marriage through unfaithfulness. This so-called exception clause appears here in Matthew 5 and again in Matthew 19 but does not occur in either Mark or Luke.

Churches and Christian institutions are mistaken when they indiscriminately deny the possibility of leadership or remarriage after men and women have divorced.In a similar passage in Mark 10:11–12, Jesus widens the scope of the teaching to show that such dissolution may apply to the behavior of either the man or the woman (even though in Jewish custom women could not divorce their husbands, Jesus includes women equally in his charge): "Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her; and if she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery." A more literal translation of "she commits adultery" reads, "she is adulterized," meaning if a woman is divorced without just cause, she is left in a valid marriage. Remarriage for her would, therefore, be adultery. In saying this, Jesus may very well have had in mind the practice of men discharging their wives without just cause, thereby exploiting them.

But how do we apply the "exception clause" today? Does Jesus only accept divorce as legitimate—but not remarriage for the innocent partner? In the Jewish society of Jesus' day, remarriage was always assumed for the innocent party unless prohibited for some particular reason. Unfaithfulness, therefore, would make a marriage invalid since a valid divorce canceled the marriage bond and allowed the innocent party to remarry exactly like a single person.

Jesus, in his radical kingdom commands, takes divorce very seriously. There is serious judgment for sin, but, at the same time, there is and should be no condemnation for the innocent.

"Why did Moses permit divorce?"
The second crucial passage is Matthew 19:3–12 (see also Mark 10:2–12). Here some Pharisees are testing Jesus' reading of divorce law. Jesus defends the permanence of marriage by appealing to Genesis—that the "two shall become one flesh." To answer why Moses permitted divorce, Jesus replies, "It was because you were so hard-hearted that Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for unchastity, and marries another commits adultery."

Note that again Jesus includes the "exception clause," which legitimizes divorces dissolved through unfaithfulness. The problem here has to do with Jewish laws that let men freely discharge their wives, often on spurious grounds. One great rabbi, Shammai, taught that the only basis for divorce was sexual unfaithfulness or adultery. But the Rabbi Hillel was more generous: "A man may divorce his wife even if she burned his soup … or spoiled a dish for him." Rabbi Akiba taught that divorce was acceptable "if he should find a woman fairer than his wife." Such divorces left women adrift in a male world, without hope of remarriage, and completely at a loss. Jesus is standing against such divorces of convenience.

He was also standing against the teaching that a man was required to dispense with his wife when he suspected unfaithfulness. (Consider Joseph's reaction when he learned of Mary's surprise pregnancy.) Jesus amends this, finding such behavior intolerable. Moses did not command his people to divorce wives, he permitted it. The springboard for right action should not be hard-heartedness, but charity. Jesus affirms once more that only if the woman has done something herself that irreparably ruptures the marriage can such a divorce be right. But it isn't a necessary response.

Many today have misread this particular passage to make two statements: (1) One cannot divorce his wife unless she has been unfaithful; (2) Whoever remarries commits adultery. But this is not the meaning. The active verb here is "commits adultery," and the entire sentence must be held together. It should be read, "Whoever does the following commits adultery: divorces his wife (except for immorality) and remarries another." Judgment is being placed not on someone remarrying but on someone remarrying after pursuing an illegitimate divorce. If the divorce is invalid, so is the remarriage. But the reverse is also true: if the divorce is valid, then re marriage must be acceptable, just as it was in commonplace Jewish custom.

"Not bound" to the marriage
A third important passage is found in 1 Corinthians 7, where Paul discusses Christian marriage. He echoes the teaching of Jesus, saying that husbands and wives are not permitted to leave each other but should work toward reconciliation. Then Paul addresses a subject that was foreign to Jesus and the Gospels. What if a Christian man or woman had a pagan spouse? Could there be spiritual union between two people when one worshiped idols? Paul affirms that Christians should not initiate a divorce because of the spouse's spiritual deficiencies: "If any believer has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her" (v. 12). The presence of a Christian in the marriage, Paul is saying, brings hope of salvation to the children and the family.

But then Paul makes one exception to Jesus' rule on divorce: If the unbelieving spouse deserts the marriage, the innocent spouse must work on reconciliation (vv. 10–11), but in the end "is not bound." This final phrase in verse 15 is crucial. The innocent party is not bound to the marriage, and this includes women or men equally. This language echoes words directly from Jewish divorce law: "not bound" means that the innocent person is free to remarry.

Paul even reinforces his thought in 7:26–28: "I think that, in view of the impending crisis, it is well for you to remain as you are. Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be free. Are you free from a wife? Do not seek a wife. But if you marry, you do not sin, and if a virgin marries, she does not sin." More literally rendered, Paul does not say "are you free," he says, "are you freed," meaning, someone who has been freed from a marriage, namely, someone who was married and divorced. Paul prefers they remain single because of the suffering of this age, but if they marry, according to verse 28, they do not sin.

In sum, Paul adds one more possible reason for a valid divorce: the desertion of a marriage by an unbelieving partner. In such a case, while the Christian spouse should not be eager to divorce, still, if he or she is a victim of divorce, he or she may remarry.

"The husband of one wife"
Finally, Paul makes some remarks about the nature of marriage in his pastoral letters that reflect on the issue of divorce and remarriage. In both 1 Timothy 3:2 and in Titus 1:6, Paul stipulates that bishops (1 Timothy) and elders (Titus) should be "married only once" or "the husband of one wife." These verses have led many Christian organizations to disqualify potential leaders who have ever been divorced. But I doubt that this is even near what Paul is thinking.

First, he may be referring to polygamy. While having multiple wives was against Roman law, still, it was legal in Palestinian Judaism even though monogamy was the norm. Jewish oral tradition, in fact, justifies having 18 wives. Thus, Paul may be saying that these Christian leaders must have "just one wife."

Second, evidence from Greco-Roman society indicates that some men did have concubines even though they were illegal in both Greek and Roman society. Paul may be making it absolutely clear: Christian men must be pure and moral in their marital relations. He is looking for leaders with stable family lives.

The New Testament, therefore, tells us that marriage is to be seen as a divinely instituted relationship between a man and a woman. It should be monogamous and permanent. However, there are two exceptions where divorce is valid: when a spouse is unfaithful and when an unbelieving spouse deserts the marriage. In each case, the marriage is dissolved and the innocent partner is free to remarry.

Divorce is the tragic result of what be comes of humanity as it wrestles with sin and brokenness. Whenever a marriage fails, we should mourn it as tragic. But there should be no error so grave that it cannot be forgiven; no mistake beyond the reach of grace.

Likewise, our God is a God of renewal and restoration. In some cases, this means restoring a marriage to its original partnership. In other cases—and I can think of many—it means that remarriage is an opportunity for renewal and new hope. This is why churches and Christian institutions are mistaken when they indiscriminately deny the possibility of leadership positions or remarriage after men and women have divorced. Such a position denies not only the spirit of Jesus' ministry but also misunderstands the grace of God in a broken world.

Story of John Osteen

"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness" (1 John 1:9).

JOHN OSTEEN, founder of Lakewood Church and father of pastor Joel Osteen (www.joelosteen.com), was a divorced pastor. Here's how his son Joel told about the story of what happened to his father in his bestseller book, "Your Best Life Now:"

"We all make mistakes, but God does not disqualify us simply because we have failed. He's the God of another chance. You may have missed plan A for your life, but God has a plan B, a plan C, a plan D, and a plan E. God will always find a way to get you to your final destination if you will trust Him.

The Old Testament records how King David ordered a man murdered so he could marry his wife. But when David repented, God forgave him and still used him in a greater way.

A man named Saul hated Christians; he chased them down, persecuted them, and had them thrown in jail. Yet God forgave him, changed his name to Paul, and he ended up writing more than half of the New Testament.

Rahab was a prostitute, yet God used her to deliver the children of Israel. Nobody is too far gone, no matter what he's done. You need to know that God still loves you. He has a great plan for your life; He has not run out of mercy. If you have asked His forgiveness, God has already forgiven you. The question is: Will you forgive yourself? Will you quit living in guilt and condemnation? Will you let the past be the past and live today in an attitude of faith and victory?

That is what my father had to do. Daddy went through a tragedy early in life. He married quite young, and unfortunately that wasn't one of his better choices. Sadly, the marriage didn't work out, and he went through a divorce. Daddy was heartbroken. His dreams were shattered and he didn't think he would ever preach again. It was one of the darkest hours of Daddy's life. He was tempted to hold on to the hurt and pain, continually blaming himself. He could easily have allowed his disappointment and disillusionment to keep him from moving forward and fulfiling his God-given destiny.

But Daddy had to quit mourning over what he had lost; he had to learn how to receive God's mercy, and to start believing God for something better.

Maybe you've made some serious mistakes; you've done some things that were not the best for your life, and now you're living in guilt, condemnation, or with a sense of disqualification. You will remain trapped in those doldrums unless you learn how to receive God's mercy and forgiveness, and move on with your life.

That is what my father did. Daddy made a decision to receive God's mercy for his mistakes and failures. And little by little God began to restore Daddy's life and ministry. Daddy began to minister again, but he never dreamed he'd get married again and have another family.

Then one day he met a nurse working at one of the hospitals where he visited some of his church members when they were sick. For my Dad, it was love at first sight. He started looking for any reason he could find to stop by that hospital. I mean, he would visit your great-aunt's third cousin's next-door neighbor if you asked him! He was there so much, my mother told one of her friends, 'That minister has the sickest congregation I've ever seen!' She didn't realize at the time that Daddy was there to see her. To make a long story short, they fell in love and got married. God gave Daddy beauty for his ashes, and Daddy went on to touch the world.

He pastored Lakewood Church in Houston for more than 40 years, and today all five of my parents' children are working in the ministry. God took what the enemy meant for evil, and He turned it around and used it for good. But I don't believe that would have happened if Daddy had stayed trapped in the past, focused on his sadness and disappointments. I don't believe it ever would have happened if Daddy had not learned how to receive God's mercy."