You Are Not Alone

Dr. Robert Huzeiga:

Recent statistics suggest that 40% of women and 60% of
men at one point indulge in an affair.

Put those numbers together and it is estimated that 80%
of the marriages will have one spouse at one point or
another involved in an affair.

So, you are not alone.

There are patterns, themes and characteristics -- ways of
feeling and thinking that will bombard you and others in
similar situations.

In the lessons and recommendations that follow you will
begin to learn about patterns and themes that are typical of
those who have been a victim of an affair.

You will also learn what NOT to do.

That's right. If you want to heal your marriage or
relationship, there are things that I can guarantee that you
are doing that are pushing your spouse into the arms of
their lover.

I will teach you strategies, I will teach you how to
take control over your emotions and help you and your
spouse heal.

I want you to be confidently decisive.

Part of being decisive and planning a strategy is knowing
what you are up against.

I want you to be more than a loose cannon flailing around
on the deck.

You want to know the target, aim carefully and have a real
good idea of what will happen when you shoot.

An affair is not an affair. Affairs are exceedingly complex.

Part of your hopelessness comes from being confronted
with something that makes no sense, and to be blunt,
seems crazy.

I want you to know where you are going, how to get there
and know when you arrive.

I want you to know that you can make it through the affair.
I want you to come to the conclusion that perhaps the
affair is the best thing that happened.

That's right.

Your marriage can be infinitely better and you can be
better.

The major purpose of this series of messages is to get you
started in the right direction and to begin acting now on
significant, well-thought-out, time-tested strategies.

You are not helpless. You do have power; more than what
you probably realize.

You need to find that power. Know that power.

I believe you have before you one of the best resources on the
Internet that goes through step by step how to heal your marriage
or relationship after an affair.

It is a very quick, to the point helpful e-book by called
"Break Free From the Affair". I truly am humbled by the hundreds
of testimonials I have received.

In it I discuss the 7 forms of affairs and why we have
them. Not only that, but I also go through what you are
feeling, what your spouse is feeling and then teach you
how to deal with it.

Think of it this way.

We tend to want to learn how to do better the very things
that don't work, but actually make things worse.

Get this?

I see it in myself and I hear it every day from dissatisfied people.
We keep doing over and over the very things that buy us grief.

This E-book offers you a contrast between tactics that work
and tactics that fail.

Some tactics defy common sense.

Others seem contrary to what we are taught.

Begin to learn. Begin to notice. Begin to understand the
wide range of responses that are available to you to break
free from or remain in the affair.

COMMUNICATION: How do I get peace and out of the battle zone?

Jim Smoke (from book "Single Again and Secure in God's Love:):

Live in the Quiet Zone.

"Susan was fit to be tied. She had just gone through another gruelling 40-minute telephone discussion with her former spouse. What started out as an attempt to resolve some visitation times for the children quickly escalated to a full blown yelling, accusing, and crying match. Debris from the past hurled over the telephone lines and exploded on each party with the impact of a grenade.

Susan finally looked at me and said: 'I can't live this way anymore. The divorce was bad enough, but these after-effects are even worse. What can I do?'

I shared with her 2 questions I have asked many people caught in the divorce crossfire. What can I live with? What can I not live with? These questions help people set up protective boundaries. They also establish priorities.

You can waste a lot of time and energy fighting battles that have no meaningful solution. If you take the time to get out of the battle zone, you can begin to focus on your own growth and development. With the land mines of potential conflict over long-dead issues are placed in your pathway, stop long enough to say out loud, 'I refuse to use my mental and emotional energies in this conflict. I will focus on my desire to live a quiet life. I will mind my own business and I will get on with the real work of my life.'

Someone once summed up useless conflict by stating, 'Put the past in the past and learn to live in the present.' Rehashing yesterday's mistakes will not make living in today any easier. Continuous aggravation does not make for a quiet spirit.

Your number one priority after divorce is rebuilding your family and yourself. You can only do that if you stay away from yesterday's garbage, and you'll need intent and determination yo guide you through it

Proverbs 15:1 is a great aid to growth and is worth memorizing: 'A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.'

The words of St. Paul are also helpful: 'But we urge you, brethren, that you increase more and more: that you also aspire to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business, and to work with your own hands, as we commanded you' (1 Thessalonians 4: 10, 11).

If you are constantly in the battle zone, then relocate to the quiet zone."

Communication: How Do I Get Him to Talk? This Dance Tires and Irritates Me

Dr. Robert Huizenga:
www.break-free-from-the-affair.com
www.infidelity-help.com

How Do I Get Him to Talk? This Dance Tires and Irritates Me

In this Featured article you will learn:

the difficult question Erin must ask and answer and two sub questions that will get her on the right path and keep her there
how you can feel great sharing your wisdom and help others through infidelity
how you can be one of the first 50 who will receive a special invitation to receive a new tape series produced by Dr. Huizenga that will prove hugely invaluable in breaking free from the affair
First, here's a coaching review by Dr. Huizenga of a taped Laser Coaching Session with Erin:

Erin's drummer husband moved out to be with his lover, although he doesn't know that Erin knows he's with the OP (other person). The other person has a history of severe personal neediness.

He saunters back home frequently. He hasn't asked for a divorce. He hasn't said he doesn't love Erin. Actually, he has said very little. However, tears emerge periodically.

Erin recently stopped quizzing and pulling information from him. Probing did not work. She began acting "happy and confident" - as some books prescribe.

His response is friendly, less cool, but with still little self-disclosure.

To break the impasse, Erin considers telling all - what she knows that he doesn't know she knows.

As well, she practices one-liners that point to the dire consequences of his behavior, considering the history of instability and personal neediness of the OP.

Dr. Huizenga 's Review:

1. The tape with Erin points to particular features of the struggle in the intimacy-distance dance of affair #7: "I Want to be Close to Someone, But Can't Stand Intimacy."

Let's start first with what was. Erin describes herself as the stable, cohesive person in their marriage. She held it together. She made decisions and for the most part, managed their lives. She was there for him. She met his needs on a variety of levels.

Family therapy circles might describe Erin as a rescuer. Her role was to pull the couple out of trouble and made sure they stayed there. For a period of time this worked.

And then her husband found someone more personally needy than he and he became the "rescuer." He relished the role, perhaps feeling a sense of power and purpose in being the "one-up." He describes his feelings in this relationship as one of being "in love."

This created, of course, tremendous upset for Erin. She no longer had a role with him. He no longer acknowledged her worth or place in the relationship other than in a perfunctory way.

So, what was Erin to do? She saw herself in competition with the other woman. Was she to become more "needy" than the other person, to stir her husbands need to rescue with her? Nope. She was not that person. And, she probably couldn't pull it off very well anyway.

2. A prominent characteristic of "I Want to Be Close to Someone, But, Can't Stand Intimacy" is superficial, forced, polite conversation. The important issues are seldom addressed thoroughly or in depth.

As a matter of face, Erin's husband did not know that Erin knew about the details of his relationship with the other person. This was a secret, or elephant standing in the middle of the room, that went unacknowledged.

Erin attempted to strike up conversations, hoping to gain information on which to approach him or make her decisions. His responses were evasive at best. He also would send mixed vague messages. For example, he would look at her with tears in his eyes and then leave with no explanation of where he was going or when he would return.

From Break Free From the Affair: (you) Find yourself giving a tremendous amount of energy to the process. It takes great effort being around him. It takes great effort communicating verbally with him. You are emotionally taxed at every turn. It’s like “pulling teeth” as you attempt to elicit from him some form of self disclosure. He gives you a little but not enough. You throw up your hands and he offers a little more. You ask for more and he backs away. Balancing the teeter-totter is work.

It's impossible to read a closed book. Mind reading is extremely dangerous. Erin was spending considerable energy trying to find out what he wanted and what he was thinking. She was growing weary and resentful.

She also described past strategies of pleading, begging, crying and reacting. Did not work. So, she shifted to "acting happy and confident." Neither elicited any changes from him. Erin felt stuck and powerless, doing what she thought would bring about change, but ending with disappointment and frustration.

3. I explored with Erin the possibility of telling him everything she knew about him and the other person. Erin also was throwing around that option, but had not taken any action. "What if it throws him back to the other person?" she worried.

There is more to this strategy, however. Pointing out the elephant most likely would dramatically change the pattern of the dance between the two of them. And when that pattern is changed, both enter into the unknown.

Sometimes the familiar, even though distasteful, is better than the unknown, which probably holds hope for rebirth.

This is what I say about truth telling in Break Free From the Affair:

Tip: The biggest obstacle for this couple is garnering the courage to the face the truth. Truth telling (either, I’m involved with someone else or, I know you are involved with someone else) will begin the healing and growth process. Both will have an opportunity to evaluate the relationship, explore and define their needs and begin charting a future that holds for them greater freedom and enhanced capacity for intimacy. They will begin to LIVE, whether they choose to maintain the marriage or divorce.

4. I asked Erin a difficult question: "Do you REALLY want to be married to him?" This, I hoped, would stimulate Erin to think about herself. And, when Erin begins thinking about herself the doors begin to open for healing and change. This is the beginning point.

What does this mean?

Well, two sub questions put flesh on the main question and prepare her to better confront her husband in ways that might be profitable for both.

These questions are:

How much are you willing to tolerate? and,
When, where and how will you draw a line?
Confrontation need not be sudden, dramatic or impose an ultimatum. Healthy confrontation is well thought out, explores a number of avenues and options and can be open ended.

5. I pointed Erin to two options or strategies for which she could prepare and execute.

A favorite question of mine is: "What would you REALLY like to say to him?" The sky is the limit here. Don't censor. Think about what wells up from within. Rephrase sentences and ideas. Play with them. Don't be afraid.

The key is to get the phrases into the open and them begin reshaping them and formulating them in a way that will be heard. Your objective is not to blast. Your objective is to structure and articulate your self disclosure in ways that will bring about the highest good for both of you.

In Break Free From the Affair, for affair #7, "I Want to be Close to Someone, But Can't Stand Intimacy," I refer to a tactic called Step Over Nothing.

You don’t get the response you would like? Feel like you are still “pussy-footing” around the issues? Your frustration level is mounting? Turn it up a notch by using what I call Step Over Nothing. Go for it. Be willing to say something when you hear it. Honor the inklings and intuitions that tell you that something is amiss in what happened. Nothing is sacred. You know that elephant is sitting in the middle of the room. Start looking at it and talking about it.

Tricky! But, well worth it.

The second strategy is begin making comments to him about his situation. This is called meta-commenting. You are not making comments about him! You are making comments about his situation and/or the consequences of his behavior. This is a powerful tool when conveyed charging neutral.

The full tape is on my site.

I want you to take 15 minutes to listen to the tape. Will you do that? Please!

Once you listen to the tape, I will give you a link that sends you to a simple form where you can leave your comments. These comments are IMPORTANT. You know what it's like. I can learn from you. Others can learn from you. (I'm totally convinced that learning from others coping with infidelity is THE most powerful way to learn - along with guided help from professionals.)

Once you leave your comment, you will be automatically included in a group that will get first chance to receive one of only 50 produced copies of Break Free From the Affair - 19 LIVE Laser Coaching Sessions with Dr. Huizenga. This 6 CD packet with workbook offers emotional relief and gives you clarity to pinpoint the break free strategies that work best for YOU.

CHILDREN: What’s the effect of adultery and divorce on young children?

Dr. James Dobson (from the book “Love Must Be Tough”)

“God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16). He knows the devastation that it inflicts, not only on adults, but even more severely on young children! That is, of course, the soft part in my heart. I have a special tenderness for kids who hurt, especially those who ache for the arms of a departed parent ….

One of those kids, Lisa Castro, a friend of my daughter, wrote the following poem and addressed it to her father. She said,

Father, I wonder
Did you want to leave us?
I’ve always wondered why.
Did you ever wonder how it could have been?
Did it ever make you cry?
I sit at home and think of you – and how our lives could be.
I’ve always wished, so very much, that you were here with me.
I feel like a part of me has somehow never grown.
Do you ever think of me? My father? My own?

I don’t know the circumstance which caused Lisa’s father to leave, but often the motive for family disintegration is nothing more substantial than unbridled selfishness. In those instances, I must ask what sexual thrills – what romantic extravaganzas, what conflict – could justify the pain of a child like Lisa? It will be remembered for a lifetime!”

ANGER: How can I ever be with someone who has betrayed me?

From: www.affairrecovery.com

"Physiologically we are wired for survival. When in danger, we have a natural reaction of hyper-arousal where our body prepares for personal defense or escape. We experience a burst of energy and anxiety. While that physiological reaction is useful in times of physical danger, it can be difficult to control when it’s an emotional interaction with another person. In a less civilized era, the “fight or flight” response kept us alive in a hostile world, but in modern times, if left unchecked, it will cause problems.

For those suffering from a betrayal, the pain can trigger that primal fight or flight response. But hopefully, there are internal checks and balances that keep anger from becoming a destructive force. Other emotions such as love, compassion, respect, and integrity can help form a safety net that prevents anger from going out of control. As I said, the anger is not the problem; it’s how anger is expressed that causes problems.

... anger is not the problem. Who wouldn’t be hurt and angry if betrayed, slighted, or rejected by a loved one? But anger needs to be expressed assertively not aggressively. The truth needs to be spoken, but it needs to be spoken in love, not in a fit of rage with the intent to destroy. There is no glory in attacking a mate who has taken responsibility for a wrong done and who is trying to make amends. It may help bring momentary relief, but in the long run, it leaves only an empty and alone feeling. No amount of torture will be sufficient to stop the pain that was initially inflicted. Furthermore, the torture performed as a response to that pain will leave both parties in a worse state than before. It will ultimately cost you all you hold dear.

You may be asking, “How can I ever be with someone who has betrayed me?” and that’s a great question. The answer will never be found in fits of rage. You may not choose to be with the one who betrayed you. Your mate may fail to accept responsibility for what has happened which may leave you feeling unsafe. He or she may choose to abandon you, leaving you few choices. You may feel incapable of getting beyond the pain or you may have lost the desire to be with your mate. These are all possible outcomes. But if you continue to respond with integrity and honor, respect and love, then at the very least, when all is said and done, you will have your own self-respect and life intact. "

MARRIAGE HEALING / RESTORATION: Is it really possible to restore my broken marriage?

MARRIAGE HEALING / RESTORATION: I have done everything I can to forgive my mate, but I still don’t think I can ever feel affectionate toward this person who deliberately broke my heart. Is it really possible to still restore the marriage back to health, even when the relationship seems beyond the grave?

Dr. James Dobson:

“I’ve seen the Author of Love ‘restore the years the locusts have eaten’ for those who have tried to obey Him. I’ll conclude with a letter from Jacque, who has been where you, the reader, may be today:

Dear Dr. Dobson,

I was married to an unbeliever for 14 years in what proved to be a living hell on earth. There’s no way I can describe how terrible Brent treated me during that time. I considered running away or anything that might help me cope. It seemed that my prayers and my church work were useless in bringing me peace of mind. Gradually, I gave in to the advances of another church member.

He was so unhappily married and inevitably we became deeply involved in an affair.

This man’s wife then died of heart disease and I intended to divorce my husband to marry him. But when Brent saw that he was losing me with no hope of reconciliation, he quietly gave up all the terrible treatment of me and became kind almost overnight. He even changed occupations to give him more time at home.

This put me in a very difficult situation. I loved the other man and felt I couldn’t live without him and yet I knew it was wrong to divorce my husband. By an act of sheer faith, I broke off the relationship with the other man and did what I believed to be right in the eyes of God. For 3 years, I did not feel anything for my husband. I claimed the Scriptures and believed that if I would do what they said, the Lord would give me what I had never had. I admit that I went through a terrible struggle with my emotions at this time.

During the last 2 years, however, God has poured out a blessing on us that you can’t believe! I am so committed to my husband that I find myself loving the man I hated for 14 years. God has given me this intense affection for him. Now, something else has happened. Our children have grown so close to us and love each other as never before. We love to look in the Scriptures for things to obey and then we make a commitment to do what we’ve read. First it included a daily study of the Word and now it involves church work – together. We are a witness to all those who see this incredible change in our family.

I said all that to say this. It is worth everything to follow God’s will, even when it contradicts our desires. Oh, there’s always the temptation to chuck it from time to time. But I’d rather spend 5 minutes in real fellowship with the Lord than a lifetime in fun and games. I can truly say it works!

Thank you.

Jacque

It will work in your family too.”

A Book of Hope, Healing, and Growth

A recommended resource from www.beyondaffairs.com.

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Don't just survive an affair

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How to Prevent Affairs

How to Survive an Affair

How to Support a Friend or Family Member through the Painful Aftermath of an Affair

CHURCH: Friends and acquaintances in the church avoid speaking to me. I’m great everywhere but in the church! What can I do?

Jim Smoke (from the book “Single Again and Secure in God’s Love”):

“Don’t blame God for the mistakes of His children!

It is a tragic commentary on people who are supposed to share the love of God with everyone, regardless of whether they understand or agree with their struggle.

Divorce is the only major crisis in which most of your social support systems disappear, and many new support systems are only temporary.

I struggle with trying to understand church people who cannot rally around a person who is experiencing divorce. I know it is hard to remain neutral and caring if they have been a friend to both the husband and wife, but I also know that real friends don’t bail out on you when you are faced with one of life’s most difficult struggles.

What can you do if your church family offers no love or care while your world is falling apart? Here are solutions that work well.

Don’t get mad at God. He didn’t do it.
Don’t get mad at His children. They should know better but they are human.
Don’t abandon your personal walk with God. You need Him.
If you don’t feel loved and cared for in your church, find a new one.

Divorce can make you mad at everyone, including God. You may have even prayed that God would intervene and put your marriage back together. But it has not happened and your faith in God may be a little thin right now. It may be hard to really believe God loves you when He doesn’t give you what you have asked for.

Many divorced people that I meet have been forced to live out a bad decision made by their former spouse. That bad decision has placed them where they do not want to be, but God’s promise to you from Hebrews 13:5 is still in effect: ‘I will never leave you nor forsake you.’

Reminder: God loves divorced people. He just hates divorce because He knows it hurts His children.

God plus you is always a majority! “

STRATEGIES: How do I survive the infidelity of my spouse?

Anne Bercht (http://www.beyondaffairs.com)

10 STRATEGIES FOR SURVIVING THE INFIDELITY OF YOUR SPOUSE:

People have no idea just how painful and difficult surviving infidelity really is, unless they have been there themselves. During the initial stages one seems to be literally teetering between life and death. This is not just a bad day or something you will 'just get over.' It is worse than death. It is living through your worst nightmare.

Recently I watched a documentary on television regarding 'the unforgivable sin.' I wondered what the unforgivable sin according to Hollywood might be. The program was about a man whose wife and child had been killed in a motor vehicle accident caused by the selfish, thoughtless and negligent behavior of a teenager engaging himself in streetcar racing. I thought to myself, how much more devastated would that man have been to find out it had not been a stranger who had caused his pain, but rather his own wife who had secretly gone out and given away the most intimate part of their marriage and then had proceeded to lie to and deceive him regarding this betrayal for who knows how long. I admit the redeeming factor regarding surviving infidelity, is that people don't usually die physically. (They certainly do emotionally.) Therefore there is hope of rebuilding life on the other side of infidelity, but this man will never see his wife and child on this earth again.

Imagine a smooth glassy lake on a beautiful sun shiny day. Then imagine that someone manages to drop a gigantic bolder right into the middle of the lake from a considerable height. Kursplash!!! Peace now destroyed, the water splashes up out of the lake and back down creating a ripple, a wave, and it continues one ripple after another getting bigger and bigger until even the outer edges of the lake have felt the effect of the giant bolder. This is the way that it is with affairs. Chaos where there once was beauty and calm. Sure in some marriages there were problems before an affair, but affairs happen in good marriages too. However, unlike many other wrongs human beings are capable of committing, marital infidelity creates far reaching consequences of pain and destruction. It doesn't just hurt the person who has been betrayed, it hurts children, friends and family members. People who are surviving infidelity begin scapegoating, that is taking out their anger, frustration and pain on others who have nothing to do with it. Then there are those left to cope with STD's including one woman in our group who saving herself for marriage, was a virgin on her wedding day. Her reward, the pain of venereal disease, a wedding gift from the man she saved herself for. What about pregnancy? What about the children who grow up feeling that they don't really belong, because they are the product of an affair?

In the initial stages after discovering a spouse's betrayal, it is very difficult to cope. We go into shock, sometimes anger, we can't think straight. Some of us behave like obsessive neurotics, doing all we can to win back our spouse (as if it were our fault in the first place). 'Surviving Infidelity.' This would be an appropriate term because that is exactly what we are doing, surviving one moment at a time. Most of us reported the inability to eat or sleep and significant weight loss. We were unable to cope with our regular jobs. One woman reported being on the edge of an emotional break down. Another remembered having to go to her job, only to find herself racing out of an important meeting to vomit, and then returning, attempting to appear somewhat composed. Embarrassed, ashamed and not free to share the truth, she commented to those concerned, "I must have gotten food poisoning."

We must live through this mess. We have no choice, but how? How can we go about the overwhelming task of surviving infidelity? One day at a time? No, even that is too much. When I was going through it, I survived only one moment at a time.

Guide to Surviving Infidelity

1. Treat Yourself

Buy yourself a new outfit. If ever there was a time when you deserved a comfort purchase it is now, when you're surviving infidelity. Buy yourself flowers too. You need to be reminded in the midst of your blackest hour, even though your whole world has become ugly and dark, that there still is beauty in the world. It doesn't feel like it today, but there is actually still hope for your future. Visit a tanning salon, a short treatment in the soothing light is good for your mood. Doctors often recommend tanning to patients struggling with depression. Make an appointment to treat yourself to a luxury service at your local spa. This will give you something to look forward to. You may also want to consider getting your hair done. Treat yourself, today! You deserve it. You need all the mood help you can get. A nice walk in a park is not a bad idea either. Do things you normally enjoy doing, even though you don't feel like it.

Take vacations. If you have any possibility for getting away on a holiday, take it, even short holidays, a long weekend perhaps. Do not underestimate the value of mini vacations one can take in the midst of even a very busy day, like stopping to smell a bouquet of roses, to pet a dog, to have coffee with a friend or to laugh at a good joke.

Word of caution: When I say treat yourself, I don't mean junk food. You probably won't be able to eat today, but in case you are, eating foods that are bad for you will only make you feel worse as soon as their temporary high wares off. If you struggle with weight issues, comfort food eating is going to increase not decrease your feelings of despair and depression. Treat yourself in healthy ways.


2. Take Care of Your Health

You may not feel like eating while surviving infidelity, but your body needs to have basic nutritional requirements met, now more than ever, because you are going to be making important decisions that are going to have a huge impact on your future. Don't try to make these important decisions while you are starving yourself. If you can't eat, then drink a quality meal replacement beverage and take some good nutritional supplements.

3. Nurture Your Spirit

I recommend some time in spiritual reading and in quiet, meditation and prayer. (Well, maybe not so quiet, screaming at God could also be helpful. If I remember correctly, I often prayed loudly during this time!)


4. Don't Make Final Decisions While in a State of Emotional Trauma

Do not make a life altering decision while you are in the initial stages of surviving infidelity, still in a state of emotional trauma and shock. Even though it may feel as though there is no hope at all for your relationship, there may still be hope. Even though your spouse has done this awful thing, it is possible that he/she still loves you very much and perhaps you still love your spouse as well. You can leave your relationship if you want, no one will blame you, you have every right to do so, but I recommend you give yourself time before you create absolute finality. Many people have completely ended their relationships in the emotion of the moment, only to find themselves later in a 2nd marriage to someone who is 2nd best. Later both spouses realize that they both had actually loved each other more than anyone else and they could have worked it out, had they only tried. Don't doom yourself to a future filled with 'what ifs.'

5. Tell People Who Can Offer You Support

Go and visit a friend. Do not attempt surviving infidelity all alone.

6. Plan Your Time

Plan your first day. How are you going to live through this? Schedule appropriate down time, but don't allow yourself to stay in bed crying all day, all week. The reality is that if you are in the process of surviving infidelity, you are in the middle of a war, whether you like it or not. You have no choice. You have just been invaded by a great enemy who is bound and determined to ruin your whole life. You are going to have to stand up and fight for your own survival. Do not let the enemy win. Fight to survive. So if you choose to allow yourself a down time, that's okay. A time of grieving is quite appropriate. Schedule your down time. Plan it. How long will you allow yourself to stay in bed? A day? Three days? A whole week is probably too long. Of course you may have times of crying daily for a while, but make it that, times of crying, not whole days in bed.

When surviving infidelity, give yourself permission to mourn. Something has been stolen from you. You can never get it back. Something has been lost forever. You will never again be able to know that since your marriage you are the only one your husband/wife has ever been with. The most important promise, a vow, has been broken. Life will never be the same again. And it's okay to cry about that.

Then force yourself to get up, dress nicely and do something constructive every day. I know you don't feel like it, but I'm cheering for you. I believe in you. You can conquer this great evil that seeks to destroy your entire existence. You're surviving infidelity.

7. Educate Yourself About Affairs Through Reading

There are many helpful articles available on this website, and a list of helpful books.

8. Join a 'Beyond Affairs' Support Group

You need all the support and perspective you can get from people who have been there and understand.

9. Counseling

This is a quality of life issue. Many people have found counseling to be an invaluable help in surviving infidelity. The best way to find a good counselor is through referrals. If you don't have one referred to you, you may have to resort to the yellow pages. Just remember you don't have to stay with a counselor that you don't like. If you find one is not helpful, don't hesitate to look for another. They are not all the same. This is for you. Now more than ever go with what works for you. Drop what doesn't work. It can also be a good idea to make an appointment with your medical doctor.

10. Laughter is Good Medicine

Watching a good comedy or spending time with someone who's got the gift of humor can be invaluable when surviving infidelity. This week I found humor in this woman's honest sharing; apparently her husband had to stop by her home to drop off a check which belonged to her. He is now living with the other woman. "Don't you dare bring that other woman to our house," Jane (not her real name) warned her husband. Jane's concerned friends warned her, "Jane, you've got to be on your best behavior." Jane seriously considered this advice. She considered what her best possible behavior would be if her husband brought this other woman to her home. Her 'best behavior' would be to go out there and smash their car in with a cane!!! (She is normally a gentle, quiet and calm lady.) We are happy to announce that her husband heeded her warning and left the other woman in the car down the street.

A final word of advice: Stay strong and be brave. Life is a continuous battle, but when an enemy strikes the hardest, it is no time for weakness. It's a time to stand up and fight with everything that is within you. You can make it through this, but it will take time. Give yourself time in surviving infidelity.

How To Win Back Your Cheating Spouse

1.) DON'T say "I love you"

Saying "I love you," especially repeatedly, often pushes your spouse away and in essence, probably does not reflect the truth of what you really want to say.

Here are ways your spouse might respond internally when he hears those words from you:

Yeah right! What does she want now? She's just saying that so I won't leave. Or, she's just saying that so I will leave the other woman. She's using that to manipulate me. So, I will walk away or not say anything.

He loves ME? Yeah right! How can he love me when I do something like this? It doesn't make sense. Who would love someone who fools around on them? If he fooled around on me, I know I wouldn't love him.

Hey, this is cool! I got two of them wanting me. Man, it feels great to be pursued by two people. It is great to be loved by two people. (This may not be acknowledged but it might lie behind a need to continue the soap opera drama.)

She loves Me? What in the world does that mean? What is she trying to say when she says that? I don't understand. Is that all she can say? Isn't there more she needs to say to me? How am I to respond? Say, "I love you too?" Geezzz louise, it's not that simple.

I hate it when he says, "I love you." That really makes him unattractive. He seems so sickeningly needy when he says that. And, that really turns me off. When he says it, I think of a whining lost little boy who needs reassurance. Sorry, but I'm not there. I don't want to be a mother.


2) DON'T criticize, complain, whine, nag

This should be fairly obvious. Criticizing, complaining, whining and nagging are not attractive! Who wants to be around such a person? When I criticize or complain I have a hard time being around myself. This behavior is usually an attempt to deal with the internal tension you feel. You don't know where to go with the tension, so it seeps out around the edges.

And, of course, your spouse will respond in his/her typical fashion, probably by moving away or countering you with his/her negativity. Ever feel like you hit a brick wall, time and time again? What does your criticism, complaining and nagging actually get for you? Give it some thought.

Can you find a different way to let this person know what you want, what you need or how you would like your life to be, without resorting to something that is absolutely guaranteed to give you the opposite of what you truly desire?


3) DON'T say "I've changed"

In an attempt to persuade a spouse to stop an affair or restore a relationship you may use the ploy, "But I've changed I'm a different person" or "I swear I'll change."


4) DON'T Argue, Reason, Plead

You may believe that the more persistent you are in trying to get your spouse to "understand," the better off you may be. Not always true. Usually, it has the opposite effect.

An affair is not based on logic. One's quest to "find him/herself" through an affair has little to do with reason. The allure of the other person, whatever that allure might be, has little respect to reason, logic and thinking and talking something through together.

Arguing, reasoning and pleading keep the focal point on each other. It keeps the relationship bound together (we call it enmeshment) in a powerfully negative and destructive way. You merely continue to rehash the old stuff with the same fruitless outcome.


5) DON'T get friends and family involved

It is not uncommon to look for an ally.

But don't seek out an informant. (i.e. quiz others about what your spouse is saying and doing) You pump for information. You may look for signs of hope and hang intently on every word of your ally.

And don't enlist a friend or family member to be your mouthpiece to talk to your spouse on your behalf.

Getting friends and family involved only worsens your situation.


6) DON'T Act helpless, depressed

Talk about unattractive. It takes a tremendous amount of energy for someone to be in relationship with a person who consistently acts helpless and depressed. People, over time, weary of being around such a person. Do you like being around a depressed person?


7) Don't give up opposite sex relationships

If your partner is involved in an affair, you must likely have the tendency to shun people of the opposite sex. There are a number of reasons for this.

First, you probably do not feel very attractive or desirable. As I've noted in other writings, being on the receiving end of an affair dumps self-esteem down the toilet. Even if you had an interest in pursuing a relationship, this would get in the way.

An interesting phenomenon I observe very frequently is that the spouse having the affair sends a subtle or not so subtle message that only he/she is allowed to have an extramarital relationship. It is his/her domain.

If the offended partner begins a relationship with a person of the opposite sex the person having the affair may become jealous and disturbed, sometimes extremely so. Make sense? No, but then again, not much about affairs makes sense.

You may hold back from having an opposite sex relationship because you believe it will only give permission to your partner to continue the affair and provide further ammunition for him/her to truly leave. This does occur, but only in particular kinds of affairs and, I believe, only in a minority of situations. It will NOT be a major factor in his/her decision to truly end the marriage.

Holding back from developing an opposite sex relationship typically indicates you are doggedly determined to focus on what your partner and what he/she is doing or not doing. You are riveted on this painful elusive relationship. It occupies your every moment and breath. To think of having a life of your own seems terribly foreign.

When I talk about having a relationship with someone of the opposite sex, I'm NOT talking about dating or sleeping around. Don't jump off the bridge. But, there is such a thing as a healthy relationship with those of different gender.


8) Don't get reassurance from children

Please don't intentionally involve your children.

Here's what I mean.

Don't share information with them about their other parent.

Don't try to pry information from them about your spouse.

Don't ask (in any way) for them to agree with you or side with you or comfort you.

Don't talk about your spouse to them in any way shape or manner.

You can say directly: I'm having a difficult time right now, but I'm doing everything to take care of it and this too shall pass. I will always be here for you.


9) Don't Use the Bible or Dr Laura

It is a natural impulse to want to beat your wandering spouse over the head, not literally, of course. Well, maybe... (Just kidding. Don't do it!)

But, on a number of occasions I've run across those who throw Bible verses, selected passages from books or talk show hosts comments about the immorality and path of perdition he/she is following by engaging in an affair.

Now, granted, engaging in an affair is sin because it certainly does miss the mark in terms of having an authentic and truth-filled relationship and it certainly has dire consequences in which the other does walk down a difficult path. However, using this as a weapon to stop the affair brings dubious results at best.

Beating him/her over the head with moral persuasion most likely will increase his/her resolve, if not openly at least internally, to oppose you. Poor strategy!


10) Don't suggest counseling

OK, what's the deal? A therapist who is recommending that you NOT pursue counseling with your spouse? Yes, exactly. Believe me, I've seen hundreds of couples and counseling when an affair is involved seldom, and I mean real seldom, works.

In most communities, getting counseling is the thing to do when there are marital problems. Family, friends, clergy and other say, "Have you gotten counseling?" Many spouses agree to attend. It usually lasts for a few sessions, if that.

He/she often enters counseling guardedly and with little intent to self disclose. He/she usually in some fashion sabotages counseling. It doesn't work.

Here's the kicker: the person is then able to say, "Well, we got counseling, and it just didn't work out!" Counseling becomes a rationalization to pull further away.


11) Don't tell him/her we need to work on the relationship

This usually means you want to go back to the way the marriage used to be. You remember the good times and your intent is to recapture them. Or you believe that the two of you, focusing on each other with more purpose, can change the flow of the relationship.

The spouse involved with the other person may concede to trying, since it serves basically the same purpose as counseling he/she can at some point say, "See, we tried and it just didn't work." It may ease the guilt or give internal permission to pursue with more vigor the other person.

Dr. Robert Huizenga (the 'Infidelity Coach')

Dr Huizenga has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity.

He has written a book, "Break Free from the Affair".

DIVORCE AND REMARRIAGE: What does the Bible say about divorce? Is remarriage ever permissible for Christians?

Dr. James Dobson (from chapter 11 of book, “Love Must be Tough”):

“I believe the Christian has biblical grounds for remarriage when the divorce transpired under one of the three situations: 1.) when the marriage and divorce occurred prior to salvation. 2.) when one’s mate is guilty of sexual immorality and is unwilling to repent and live faithfully with the marriage partner 3.) When one of the mates is an unbeliever and willfully and permanently deserts the unbelieving partner.”

“When one’s mate is guilty of sexual immorality and is unwilling to repent and live faithfully with the marriage partner….. Each case must be considered independently. Nevertheless, we cannot ignore or deny what Christ said in Matthew 19:9: “And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”

Throughout my Christian life I have operated under a very simple – yet reliable – principle of interpretation: If the normal sense makes good sense, seek no other sense. Let’s do that here. When a spouse is guilty of immoral sexual conduct with another person and is unwilling to remain faithful to the innocent partner, the option is there for the faithful mate to divorce and remarry …

Two thoughts need to be emphasized. First, this is not simply a case of quickie sex on the sly – a one-time-only experience. This is ‘porneia.’ I take this to mean an immorality that suggests a sustained unwillingness to remain faithful. I hesitate to use the term lest I be misinterpreted – but I think of the idea of an immoral lifestyle, an obvious determination to practice a promiscuous relationship outside the bonds of marriage.

Second, the faithful mate has the option to leave .. but such is not mandatory. I have seen numerous marriages rebuilt rather than ended because the faithful partner had no inner peace pursuing a divorce. How much better to look for ways to make the marriage work rather than anxiously anticipate evidence that is needed to break off the relationship.

But there are occasions when every attempt has been made to keep the marriage together … but sustained sexual infidelity won’t allow it. It is in such cases our Lord grants freedom from that miserable and unbearable bond.”

SECRECY: Should the betrayed, wounded spouse tell no one, be silent, or keep secret the infidelity of his or her wayward spouse?

Dr. James Dobson (commenting on 4 victims from the book “Love Must Be Tough”):

“The psychological consequences of sinful behavior should be experienced by the guilty… If there is anything that an adulterer does not need, it is a guilt-ridden mate who understands her indiscretion and assumes the blame for it. Such a person needs to be called to accountability, not excused by rationalization! That’s why being married to a tolerant, compassionate husband or wife who instantly forgives and forgets can give an infidel a one-way to ticket to hell! And I mean that literally.”

“Remember that each of the victims diligently concealed the truth to preserve his or her partner’s reputation. Though each case must be considered individually, especially where children are concerned, the degree of secrecy maintained in those instances seems unwarranted to me. It was almost masochistic of Sue and Mary Ann to tell no one, not a living soul, about the agony they were suffering in silence. Mike and Jen guarded their secrets as well. All four of them were taken to the brink of suicide.

Because of this concealment, other natural consequences of infidelity were avoided. The adulterer was under no gentle pressure from fellow Christians who would have reinforced responsible behavior; none of the offenders had to justify his conduct to his older children; none was asked to move into new and inconvenient living quarters; none, apparently, was denied sexual privileges from the rejected spouse (Sue even became warmer at the time of disclosure and immediately asked for forgiveness); none had to pay a marriage counselor; none had to support a lawyer (or two of them); none faced the financial pressures of maintaining two residences; and alas none had to look himself in the mirror each morning and ask ‘Why does everyone seem to think it’s my fault.’ Under the circumstances, we should not be surprised that the affairs involving the three husbands continued through the years. (Mike’s wife was in a different situation, but she still needed discovery and confrontation.) It should have been expected.

The lure of infidelity is an addiction to an individual who has a chink in his moral armor. While some people are chemically dependent on alcohol or heroine or cocaine, this kind of infidel is hooked on illicit sex. Psychologically, she needs the thrill of the chase, the clandestine meetings, the forbidden fruit, the flattery, the sexual conquest, the proof of manhood or womanhood, and in some cases, the discovery. And like the drug abuser, he is constantly attempting to reform. He promises with sincerity never again to yield to his habit. But unless his entire social milieu acts to support that commitment, he is likely to forget it. In the case of the husbands of our three female guests, they were cradled in a forgiving and protective environment that encouraged and supported their folly. What they needed were wives who were committed to the concept that love must be tough.”

GUILT: My wife tried to make me feel guilty when she left… despite my desperate attempts to hold things together. In her mind, I failed so miserably

Dr. James Dobson:

“ Yes, it often happens. Guilt is a very painful emotion, and the person who is willfully tearing up a home in pursuit of a new lover is in an uncomfortable position. He or she feels condemnation from 4 primary sources: from the wounded spouse, from the children, from friends and associates, and from God. In order to justify her behavior, she energetically constructs a verbal defense around those who would testify against her in a court of moral law. Her purpose, of course, is to make adultery seem reasonable and downright godly. That takes some creativity! “

Dr. Dobson's "New Woman"

Dr. James Dobson, in his bestselling book, "Love Must Be Tough," wrote about the phenomenon of the "new woman," a product of the radical feminism of our times. Dr. Dobson mentions its positive side. But he also explains its downside that could predispose or push some women to immorality and adultery.

Here are some excerpts from the book of Dr. Dobson to help us understand better what he means by the "new woman:"

"... There have been casualties, too, especially when the philosophy of radical feminism is adopted uncritically by former traditionalists. I'm referring to the role reversal and change in lifestyle that often occurs when a loving wife and mother suddenly becomes a 'new woman.' ... One day she is raising a family, maintaining a home, doing her best to live on a budget, undergirding her husband in his career, helping out at the church or at the PTA or the hospital, and trying to serve God to the best of her ability. Then overnight, or so it would seem, she makes a ninety-degree turn and becomes somebody else."

"The saddest chapter in the life of the new woman occurs when she runs -- runs from her children -- runs to establish a new identity -- runs to the arms of another man. I remember one young woman whom I had watched with interest during her childhood and adolescence ...as a college coed, as a bride, and then as a mother. But the babies came too fast for her. She couldn't handle the stresses ... But I underestimated her frustration until the day she disappeared. She left behind three beautiful kids and a bewildered, wounded husband. Her behavior changed, her faith evaporated, her morals crumbled ... And five people in that little family will never be the same."

Why Join B.A.N.? (Testimonials)

http://www.beyondaffairs.com

Brian and Anne Brecht, B.A.N. international directors / authors

"Thank you so much for the meeting tonight. It makes me stronger to be around people who understand what I am experiencing. Thanks for your encouragement, the books and information and most of all for your friendship."

"BAN helps to change scattered destructive thoughts into focused thinking as one struggles to accept and understand the normal healing phases after affairs. Betrayed spouses are finally breaking the "Code of Secrecy," talking about the trauma associated with affairs."

"I felt lost, alone and afraid. Finding BAN was my lifeline. I was no longer alone in my pain. I found healing."

"Finding people through BAN helped me realize that the feelings of despair and the pain I was experiencing were shared by many others. The knowledge that I was not alone in that dark place helped me on my journey back to life. "

"I am so appreciative such a group was started and I feel fortunate to have dialogue with others who have experienced the same pain. "

"I can come here and share and even if ya'll think I'm nuts (you won't be the only ones) at least here a group understands part of my struggle. "

"I only wish that such a group had existed here many years ago; it would have saved me years of pain and anguish. "

"As I look back on our meeting, I realize that not one of us said, "Do you know what I mean?" We all knew. What a relief, knowing that someone understands—really understands. "

"I never would have dreamed that the day would come when I would need a support group to help me through the aftermath of an affair. "

"I find the interaction more helpful than just simply reading a book.
BAN has been an incredible lifeline for me when I needed it. Until it happens to you, there is just no way to truly convey the feeling of devastation.
One man drives two hours each way and has never missed a meeting. He had talked to no one for four years before BAN." (From a Coordinator)

"Needing a group like BAN and without one in my town, Peggy encouraged me to start a group. Now, comes this outpouring of people in need of a group like BAN." (From a Coordinator)

"One of the first amazing things to me is how international this group is... I felt so alone in my small little city ...and then suddenly with e-mails from Maui and Memphis...South Africa and Australia...I felt part of something bigger and safer in an interesting way." (From a Coordinator's perspective)

"Can't tell you how grateful I am to have you and your group at our church." (From the coordinator of support activities at our host location)

"Yes, there is a life BEYOND THE AFFAIRS, and this support group encourages that a good life is possible, beyond the affair."

"I am very glad I went to the BAN meeting. You all made me feel at ease, and I left feeling better about myself and my situation. I especially benefitted from realising that a personal recovery may take more like 2 years, than 6 months. Probably I had already read that from the Dearpeggy website, but to hear it face to face from people who have real experience made me feel less worried that I have not coped and dealt well enough with my crisis in my relationship with my wife. Also, as I said at the end of the meeting, it is helpful to see that others, who seem to be good, attractive, and capable people, can have similar problems, not all of their own making. Hearing the hurtful experiences of some of the group made me realise with gratitude that my wife at least did not deceive me, and did not walk out on me as she might have. "

"Thank you for your commitment to this most awful issue - you were great cheer person at the meeting giving us all a chance to speak." (Comment by a member to their Coordinator)

"BAN helped me realize it takes longer to 'get over it' than on TV. Knowing that others have those thoughts and it's normal. "

"It was so helpful to hear from others who are years down the track, particularly about the length of time it takes to heal and what it requires to heal. Also helpful just being able to talk and listen to other people's stories. "

"I now understand that healing takes time and lots of talking about the subject.
It was nice to have people all in one room who have gone through similar situations and can empathise with the wide variety of feelings involved when one is on the receiving end of an affair. So thank you for the support and keep up the good work.
So helpful just talking to other people and finding I am not the only person in this situation. "

"I came to the meeting broken and in despair. I met women with similar casualties and suddenly my aloneness disappeared. However, the most monumental help for me was that I stopped divorce procedure because I realized something very important. I realized, as our group got larger and larger, that even if I left my husband of many years, chances were that another man I might meet would probably be an adulterer. Just look at all these women!! Their husbands and exes would be out there for me to meet, yuk, what a thought! I realized it's better to work out my situations with the father of my children, with a man that I had a very long history, than risking a repeat with someone new. Society and human beings being what they are today, a similar encounter is a huge possibility. "

"I remember the feeling inside me when I first read about BAN, what it was about and that there was a support group in the place I lived. Not only had my husband left me, but he had betrayed me and the pain, hurt and sadness was in reality, unbearable. I was so anxious to be able to attend a BAN support group. Knowing you are not alone and you are not insane and it is okay to feel what you are feeling really does give you permission to grieve your loss. In all this confusion to know that all you are experiencing is "normal" is such a relief! It is amazing that we all have different stories, yet the common denominator is we all feel the same pain and are able to talk openly knowing each and everyone of us understands exactly what the other is going through. Having a man in the group is inspiring as you learn that they have all the same feelings and emotions, but are not as able to express them quite the same as a woman. BAN, for me, has been a major support, as well as informative and comforting. There is so much care and concern for each of us by the others in the group because we have all been there or are still there. BAN is a safe place and you can cry and even laugh and it feels okay. We truly do receive help for ourselves as well as give help to others. "

"I left the BAN meeting with so much going thru my mind. I did so much process and pondering that night. It gave me a little more sense of peace than when I first entered that first meeting. I was actually in the presence of others who knew exactly how I felt. I felt no shame or embarrassment when sharing my story. I was with people who knew all the emotions that have been stirring in my heart, body and soul. This is the comfort of the BAN Group. I am thankful to have found BAN and others who take the time to offer me the support I need at this time. "

"For many long, lonely years I kept the secret of my pain. A chance reading of an article about BAN in our local newspaper brought me to a meeting. Finding BAN, talking and sharing with others, marked the beginning of my healing. My pain was out of the closet and into thelight. One of the most helpful aspects of BAN was listening to others' stories. It helped me to see that the pain and shame I felt were not unusual. Being in a group like this helped me to sort through the myths and misconceptions about adultery. It has been a wonderful sharing and learning experience. I do not think I could have come so far without this group experience. "

"I find it hard to talk about what happened with most people. I have VERY few people I can share this with. My parents and a few close friends know what happened and I am grateful for their support. Although for me the comfort is greater when the person has experienced the same or similar shock and betrayal, like the others in BAN. I never thought I would try to work through a situation like this. I always thought that I would leave a marriage if my husband had an affair. Those were all thoughts before I even met my husband because after meeting him I never thought he would have an affair. Yet here I am giving it every ounce of my being trying to build up this marriage. "


Longer testimonials are included below:

"Before joining BAN I felt very alone in this battle; I felt beat up, let down, worthless, ashamed, embarrassed and stupid. I was completely discouraged with life. I could not see a future being possible for me. I prayed many times for God to just let me die. But after myfirst BAN meeting I realized that I DIDN'T do anything to deserve this and my shock and my wanting to make it work was normal for some. I truly can not begin to say how much at ease I was after a few meetings to know I was not alone and someone DID understand pretty much what I was going through. If someone has not survived being cheated on they can in no way understand how you feel, no matter how much they love you or how much they want to understand. "

"BAN gave me a ticket or a pass to go on with life. It gave me hope that I could survive and that my marriage could survive, if we both worked at it. It showed me that it was ok- to not know what I wanted, and to not know what I really believed. It was good to know I was not a bad person for all the sneaking around that I did, checking out the other person or completely hating the other person so much that there were no words to describe. In BAN, I learned that the feelings, thoughts and actions, were very much like other people who had experienced a spouses infidelity. "

"BAN gives me a sense of self worth when I can use my crazy unfortunate circumstances in life to comfort that new person who has just found out about their spouses infidelity and encourage them that they can make it. My heart breaks in sympathy for what the new person feels, but, if I would have had BAN when my husbands infidelity first came out, I KNOW that I would be a much different person. I had so many days that it took everything in me to get out of bed, what I would not have given to have had someone who had been there and gone through that hurt. I was fortunate to have a counselor (social worker) that I had meet with at different points in my life to turn to. She was a Christian AND she too had experienced infidelity, so she helped me to express my feelings. BAN gives the victim a way to reach out for help without being judged or ashamed. "

"I would tell counselors to encourage people in our position to journal their feelings, and to help them to realize the extent of mood swings from "I can do this" to "God, please let me die" are normal; that it is ok to still love someone even thought they have hurt you- even when you don't understand why they acted in such a way. The realization of an affair, in my opinion is far more devastating than the death of a spouse, because it makes you doubt yourself and your self worth.
I will never be able to express in words the gift of hope that BAN has given me!
(Note: She just DID express--in beautiful words--what BAN has meant to her!) "

"I felt huge relief when I finally found the BAN information (after a year) saying that others had felt the same need as me taking WHATEVER moves were necessary to get totally out of contact with the third party to begin to recover. We took one more move and changed schools. Also that it was 'OK' that I had 'broken the code of secrecy' letting some people know about the affair as soon as I knew, I instinctively knew I had to allow natural consequences in the early effort to get my husband's affair into the real world and out of fantasyland (I saw what I now know is an 'affair bubble' burst for myself, he still wanted his family in our case). "

"Some of the information such as why affairs happen, I found difficult to comprehend and accept on my own, I had to see it illustrated in the others I met to believe it, to take it in, and to apply it to my life as it went against the myths I had believed before. "

"Starting a support group was difficult for me, and for my husband who wanted the affair to be kept totally private at that stage. I did it really because I wasn't getting better on my own after 1 1/2 years and was willing to believe what I'd read that it could help. And it did. I learned something from each person of the 26 I met. Without the group I'd say I would have faced another affair after this one had been buried long enough as that was the way my husband preferred to deal with it. However in the group I saw so many people who had tried to move on too quickly from a first affair in the past only to have it happen again. "

"So I felt empowered and became able to negotiate a more fair relationship with my husband. He too had to work through the impact of the affair and came to accept it can never be forgotten as it has become a major learning experience for both of us."

"Six years on we have five children, three young children at the time of his affair and two since. We took about three years to begin to work through it effectively, now finally it hurts less and less. I'm no longer traumatised. He feels "bitter" about what it's cost him in terms of my trust. He is helping me get brochures out there for our local group including at the army base. I guess we both learnt ANYBODY and ANY MARRIAGE is vulnerable to an affair as we thought we were safe before because we were happy. "

"It is mainly a learning experience we continue to apply to all aspects of our lives (short term pleasure vs long term pain, someone you meet vs someone you know warts and all 24/7 etc), and it comes up as we think of how to prepare our 14 year old for her future with boys etc.. Thankfully in our case it was possible for us to stay together with our children. Whatever the future I can cope now I know alot about infidelity. So far, so good, with GOOD odds for the future (thanks to the BAN support group) which is all ANYONE can say actually!"

STANDING WITH GOD FOR MARRIAGE HEALING: How do men stand up for marriage restoration?

http://www.covenantkeepersinc.org
http://rejoiceministries.org/standingfirm.php

Man Standing for a Prodigal Wife

“Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong. Do everything in love” (1 Corinthians 16:13).

For the past 20 years, standing with God for marriage restoration has seemed to be something that women do. There have always been strong male standers, but due to the fact that more men become prodigals than do women, standing men have been in the minority. At many gatherings of standers, there may be one lone man.

Things are changing, to the glory of God. We are witnessing more and more men take a strong stand for marriage restoration every day. For the most part, a man who is led to take a stand for marriage restoration becomes a strong stander, doing so until God moves, not until they change their mind. We hear of groups of male standers who get together for a meal and to pray for their wives. Charlyne and I also know of men who have come to Christ as a result of marriage problems.

Men are rising up to be the spiritual leaders, even of fractured families. They are assuming the role that God created for them. Even in the Biblical example of a stander, in the book of Hosea, God illustrated with a man standing for a prodigal wife.

We have standing men doing things God never designed them to do, by raising children alone and running a household. Nevertheless these men continue to stand strong. Yes, they have their bad days, but they do not give up on what God has called them to do.

One of the first male standers we grew to know well was Dennis Wingfield. God restored his marriage, only to be followed by the tragic death of his wife. Like most male standers. Dennis did not get bitter, but he got better, and began to write a weekly “Standing Firm” devotional for other men praying for marriage restoration. Dennis has done this each weekend for many years.

Men I salute you. I commend you for being a godly example to your wife, your family, your circle of influence, and to me. Thank you for being a forerunner in what I sense is becoming a groundswell among men, and the manly thing to do, namely praying for a prodigal wife, instead of releasing her to Satan.

(Bob Steinkamp)

STANDING WITH GOD FOR MARRIAGE HEALING: Is it practically possible for marriage to be restored after it has been broken by adultery?

http://www.covenantkeepersinc.org

Covenant Moments From Different Places

“The divorce is no more! This morning the same judge who pronounced our marriage dead almost 5 years ago, happily signed the papers to vacate the divorce. It is as if it never happened! Thank the Lord that He can take broken vessels and use them for His glory. “ (USA)

Husband told a faithful wife he made a mistake marrying again and is separating from the other party born out of adultery. (Australia)

Communication with husband is opening up. He was happy to share a family meal with faithful wife for the first time in 23 years. (Asutralia)

Husband rang faithful wife and she told him she always had a home to go to – she and daughter had been thinking of him when he rang. (Australia)

Husband phoned to talk to his daughter but ended up talking to his wife instead for over an hour. She commented that she enjoyed catching up and it was good that they were friends. (New Zealand)

Faithful wife’s husband came to drop off furniture he has accumulated in a “far country.” He let her know the other woman is no longer in the picture. He told faithful wife he never stopped loving her. (USA)

“My husband came to dinner. It was the first time ever for just the two of us being together – and the first time he visited my apartment in 5 ½ years! God is working! – and we will make it through. Praise God” (Norway)

SURVIVAL: What do I do when I feel a divorce is inevitable?

10 Things To Do When You Feel A Divorce is Inevitable

1.)When the reality of a divorce hits you, stop long enough to commit your entire situation to God through prayer, and ask Him to provide help, guidance, and emotional support.

2.)Call your best friends and ask them for their prayers and emotional support.

3.)Stay in touch with your feelings and share them with people you can trust.

4.)Don’t blame God for your divorce or criticize Him for His seeming inability to prevent it.

5.)Don’t panic. Remember, no matter what happens, God is still in charge.

6.)Contact an attorney to find out about your legal grounds.

7.)Make a list of all your fears. Then make a list of all your resources.

8.)Gather as many members of your family around you as you can. Ask them for their love and support.

9.)Seek out a divorce support group in your community. These often meet in churches and community colleges. Buy a copy of “Growing Through Divorce” written by Jim Smoke and read it many times.

10.) Remember that healing takes time. There is no quick fix for a divorce.

(Jim Smoke)

TRUST: How do I regain trust when someone I loved broke that trust?

The pain from broken trust can be carried for years after a divorce if the healing process is denied. Broken trust makes a person bitter, angry, and vengeful. Even if only one person broke your trust, every other person on the planet of the same sex is then looked upon as untrustworthy.

Healing a broken trust starts by realizing that everyone else is not your former spouse. Hurt is often person-centered. When that person becomes more distant in your life and is no longer a primary focus, the seeds of healing can begin to grow.

Renewing your trust begins by reaching out to other people and taking a risk. All relationships are a risk, and they hold no guarantees. Can you be hurt again? Yes! Will you be hurt again? Probably! Remember that Jesus was hurt by those closest to Him. Simon Peter led the parade. But Jesus did not close the door because He understood that people are human and that they sometimes make bad decisions.

Broken relationships and broken trust can hang like a heavy weight around your neck. You can probably identify with the Psalmist when he says, “My soul melts from heaviness; strengthen me according to Your Word” (Psalm 119:28).

Renewing trust is a process. It happens ever so slowly, but it does happen.

(Jim Smoke)

CHILDREN: How do you tell the children about a parent who is immoral and violating Christian values?

When boys and girls are young, I don’t recommend spending too much time pointing out the sins of their parents. Later on, when they form their own values and beliefs, they will come to understand who was the “bad guy” and who was the “good guy.”

If you paint a scarlet “A” over the sinning parent, you will make the child feel supportive of evil. If too much is said, children may feel miserable, as if they are betraying the offended, innocent mate. When children are older, and have formed their moral codes, they will probably be angry with the immoral parent.

Avoid discussing sordid details which would be hard for children to understand or forget. If they ask you, go ahead and explain that what the other parent is doing is wrong, immoral, and violating Christian values. Just don’t say too much. And please don’t tell your small children to ask the adulterous parent to explain and answer such questions. Older children, whose morals are formed, should have that right, however.

(Gary Richmond)

CHILDREN: It is easy to let my children manipulate me because they're hurting. What do I do?

If you let children manipulate you, they will become more pitiful than the divorce itself made them. Given the choice, I would rather have wounded children than selfish children. Permitting selfishness is no cure for divorce pain. Love and discipline are necessary remedies, and if you choose not to give them both, you will see your children’s powers of manipulation increase with passing years. Such skills will haunt you as reminders of your failure to parent properly. All children manipulate. It is a manifestation of a selfish, fallen nature.

If your inclination to indulge your children’s desires is inspired by guilt, then ask their forgiveness as well as God’s. The only thing guilt should inspire is repentance and humility.

If your disposition to give in to your children comes from pity, then give them the kinds of gifts that will build strong characters. Your assignment has not changed, only your circumstances. Single-parent children demand more discipline, not less. More sacrifice, not less. God understands the pain of watching a Son suffer, but He did not indulge His Son’s request to remove the pain of the crucifixion. And aren’t we thankful that He didn’t?

(Gary Richmond)

MOVING ON: HOW DO I KNOW IF I'M READY TO MOVE ON?

TIME an important indicator. Your ATTITUDE and FEELINGS are a solid gauge of your readiness. Think your way through the following list. It will provide helpful guidance – practical ways to measure your own degree of healing.

1.)Am I now living more in the present than in the past?
2.)Have my periods of depression become fewer and farther apart?
3.)Have I overcome my tendency to look for nurturing or rescue?
4.)Have I learned to live alone and not be lonely?
5.)Am I spiritually secure?
6.)When problems hit, do I have a problem-solving attitude or do I overreact?
7.)Have I identified my weaknesses and am I willing to work on them?
8.)Am I thankful for the hard times?
9.)Do I still entertain fantasies of reconciliation?
10.) Am I ready to contribute to a new relationship?
11.) Do I consider myself complete with God, whether or not I ever remarry?

When you move on, these are guidelines to follow to make the best possible move for the future. You have the make the right choices. You will have to have a game plan and stick to it.

(Gary Richmond)

MOVING ON (Question 1): Am I now living more in the present than in the past?

Are you? Consider your thought life. Are you still spending time thinking, “What if I’d been a better mate?” or “What if my ex came back?” The number of “If onlys” and “What ifs” are solid clues to how you are progressing. Present-tense thinking deals more with “What will I do now?” and “How will it affect my future?”

(Gary Richmond)

MOVING ON (Question 2): Have my periods of depression become fewer and farther apart?

No one completely escapes the depression that follows divorce. At first it hangs in gloomy clouds over every waking hour of your day. As time goes on, the periods of depression should lessen noticeably. Every one has down periods, but only a few remain incapacitated for an extended time. If you are still overshadowed by depression, then you are not ready to move on.

(Gary Richmond)

MOVING ON (Question 3): Have I overcome my tendency to look for nurturing or rescue?

If you are still seeking a caring Daddy or Mommy figure to “make it all better,” you need more time. Far too many people use relationships as anesthetics. God should be our first line of defense. Then we ought to draw on our own coping mechanisms, the ones God has given us. Friends or lovers do not have it within their power to “fix” us. And bear it well in mind – if we give them that power, we make it possible for them to break us again too.

(Gary Richmond)

MOVING ON (Question 4): Have I learned to live alone and not be lonely?

There is a big difference between being alone and being lonely. For most people, living alone would not be their first choice. Still, the feeling that alone is okey is a very healthy one.

(Gary Richmond)

MOVING ON (Question 5): Am I spiritually secure?

We should have the inner feeling that God is caring for us, and that in His time things will come together. Such convictions are a significant indication of healing if they represent the way we really feel. Caution is in order here, however. It is easy to say we believe we are spiritually on top of things, when it is actually the way we wish we felt.

(Gary Richmond)

MOVING ON (Question 6): When problems hit, do I have a problem-solving attitude or do I overreact?

Explosive and uncontrolled emotions in the face of problems are a dead giveaway that we are still the “walking wounded.” We are not ready to move on if we are still in this mode. If we are healthy, we will pray, seek responsible counsel and not overreact.

(Gary Richmond)

MOVING ON (Question 7): Have I identified my weaknesses and am I willing to work on them?

Taking the time to work on our own personal inclinations before burdening someone else with them is a very important concern. This is really a matter of facing up to what part we have played in our past failures.

Ask yourself these kinds of questions:

Did I yell too much or become icily silent during intense periods of communication?
Were my spending habits responsible or did they create tension?
Was I more concerned with my needs and feelings than my mate’s?
Did I have early childhood damage that kept me from being a healthy partner?
Am I obsessive in my use of drugs or alcohol?
Do I work too much?
Do I have to be perfect and demand that standard from those around me?
Do I have problems with lust that I periodically cannot keep under control?
Do I need to be in control of those around me at all times?
Do I have violent mood swings?
Am I violent?

If you really want to be daring, try to remember the criticisms of your former mate and write them down. Ask yourself if there was any validity to his (or her) evaluation. If there was, admit it and form a game plan to deal with those issues for the sake of the future.
Let me add one thing – please don’t become obsessive about attaining perfection. Do become obsessive about being open to growth and change for the better. God designed us to be more like Jesus, and made it a process more than an event. An open, humble attitude which realizes imperfection and seeks growth is very attractive.

(Gary Richmond)

MOVING ON (Question 8): Am I thankful for the hard times?

We should be able to look back at our painful circumstances and acknowledge that they brought growth and refinement. We should be able to say, “God really has been with me! I can see the changes for the better now and I don’t resent the scars.” When the Lord tells us that all things work together for good, He isn’t copping out. See Romans 8:28. It’s true. Once you can see that, you’re on your way. And believing before you see is just fine too. That’s called faith.

(Gary Richmond)

MOVING ON (Question 9): Do I still entertain fantasies of reconciliation?

If you do, you should not consider moving on. It would be unfair to the next person. I have seen several cases where a person become fond of someone else while still bonded to a mate. When the mate wanted to reconcile, the still-bonded spouse returned, leaving the new love broken-hearted. It’s not right to do that to someone.

(Gary Richmond)

MOVING ON (Question 10): Am I ready to contribute to a new relationship?

The least healed are those most preoccupied with their own needs. True love frees you from the bondage of your own needs – without forsaking wisdom. The wisdom I am talking about is very essential however: Do not look for another needy, wounded person to bond to! If you do, you will most certainly embrace a heartbreak.

(Gary Richmond)

Moving On (Question 11): Do I consider myself complete with God, whether or not I remarry?

Is God my happiness and my sufficiency? A “Yes!” answer to this question means you are ready to graduate. If you truly believe it, you are healed. You can move on now – not because you need to, but because you want to. And you can do it with confidence.

(Gary Richmond)

FORGIVENESS: When I try to forgive, I get too emotional. Why?

Forgiveness is neither easy nor clean-cut. You don’t decide you will forgive one night and wake up the next day with the job all done. How deeply you were hurt will affect how hard it is to forgive. And sometimes long after you have forgiven, the anger remains. Smedes says, “You cannot erase the past, you can only heal the pain it has left behind.” “When you are wronged, that wrong becomes an indestructible reality of your life. When you forgive, you heal your hate for the person who created that reality. But you do not change the facts. And you do not undo all of their consequences. The dead stay dead; the wounded are often crippled still. The reality of evil and its damage to human beings is not magically undone and it can still make us very mad.” (Dr. Lynda Hunter)

FORGIVENESS: I just wish my ex-wife would eplain to me why she hurt me. I don't understand. Will she ever seek forgiveness?

Unfortunately, it doesn’t usually happen that way. You must decide what you are going to do and where you will head inspite of what your former wife does or does not do. Unforgiveness locks you in darkness and shackles you to the person who did you wrong. Your ex-wife probably doesn’t know why she did what she did. She probably has no clue how to forgive herself, much less ask for forgiveness from you. We usually never understand why we were hurt, but we can forgive without understanding. You need to forgive no matter what your ex-wife does. Otherwise, you and your children will suffer. (Dr. Lynda Hunter)

FORGIVENESS: But so much has happened? Where do I begin forgiving my ex-wife?

Begin by deciding to forgive. Then forgive one act at a time. Remember, don’t expect anything in return. The person you are forgiving may not change at all. She may continue to inflict pain on you and give you new things on which to practice forgiveness. But the good thing is, once you decide to forgive, something releases you from prison. Strategies are learned. Mind-sets are forged. Forgiveness does not guarantee that life will go easily from there on, but unforgiveness guarantees that nothing will. It’s your choice, and you need to make it regardless of what the other person chooses to do. (Dr. Lynda Hunter)