“I forgave my cheating mate” (Chelsea Kaplan)

If your mate has cheated, forgiving and forgetting might be nearly impossible, right? Well, some people are able to give their straying sweeties another chance. Here, they tell their stories... and give the rest of us plenty of food for thought!

I forgave my mate…

…because she seemed genuinely remorseful
“After my girlfriend came to me and admitted she had hooked up with another guy, I was crushed. When she told me, though, she seemed so genuinely sad and sorry. Because of this, I decided to forgive her and not break up with her. I could tell she really realized she had messed up and would have done anything to turn back the clock and do things differently. Her being that sincere made me willing to give her another shot.”
– David, 28, New York, NY

…because there were kids involved
“I forgave my husband after he cheated on me because we had kids together. For their sake and the sake of our family as a unit, I felt like I had to at least try to make things work instead of just immediately kicking him out, which is what I really felt like doing. We’ve worked on things a lot, and now we’re on the road to getting back on track. It was hard to forget, but I can honestly say I forgave him.”
– Dawn, 32, Raleigh, NC

…because everyone deserves a second chance
“After my boyfriend cheated on me, I was so hurt. I still loved him, though, so deciding what to do wasn’t really black and white for me. After a lot of back and forth, I decided to forgive him. My friends thought I was crazy, but for me, letting go of someone I cared about so much because of one mistake wasn’t something I could do. I figure that everyone deserves a second chance, but not a third. If he does it again, he’s out, but for now, I’m willing to forgive him.”
– Talinda, 26, Glen Oaks, NY

…because there was alcohol involved
“My girlfriend kissed another guy right in front of my face at a New Year’s Eve party. We had both been drinking a lot. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, and I nearly lost it. However, the next morning after we had sobered up, we talked about it and I chalked up the experience to the alcohol. To be honest, if some girl had approached me that night, I was so wasted, I may have done the same thing. It was just one of those stupid, drunken screw-ups, so I got over it. And we learned a lesson about how much to drink, too.”
– Alan, 23, Fresno, CA

…because he agreed to go into couples counseling
“When my boyfriend admitted to cheating on me, I was conflicted about what to do. I still loved him, but I couldn’t see staying with him and still trusting him. I proposed we go to couples counseling to work on our relationship, and he was in complete agreement. He was very honest and open in the counseling, and seemed committed to working on our issues and making sure we moved forward in a way that involved better communication. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done — much harder than I expected! — but we noticed a real improvement in our relationship as a result of the counseling, and it helped me find a way to forgive him and move on.”
– Jane, 31, Alexandria, VA

…because I loved her—and her family
“I didn’t grow up in a very large or particularly close family, so when I began dating Catherine, who was one of a tight-knit clan of six brothers and sisters, it was like instant family. They were all so warm and fun to be around; it was a total relationship bonus. Things were going really well until I found out that she had cheated on me. I was very upset, so when she begged me to try to work things out, it was tough to say yes. When I thought about losing her, though, I couldn’t imagine that—both because of my feelings for her and for her family. I decided to give it another go-around, and so far, we’re doing a good job of working on moving past it.”
– Trey, 29, Lansing, MI

…because I’d almost strayed before, too
“In the very early stages of my relationship with my boyfriend, I sort of cheated on him with my ex. Technically, maybe I didn’t cheat, but I definitely crossed a line... I never told him because I realized it was a huge mistake that I’d never make again. A few months later, he admitted he had cheated on me with one of his business school classmates. I was hurt, but I felt like I didn’t really have much of a right to be upset with him, considering what I had done. I chose to forgive him and give him another chance, because I know that people all make mistakes. We’re both going forward with a new sense of commitment, and I’m feeling very hopeful about our future together.”
– Nicole, 25, Jersey City, NJ

Chelsea Kaplan is deputy editor at www.thefamilygroove.com. Her blog, “I’m Somebody’s Mother?” can be found at www.rumymother.blogspot.com.

Happy Single Holiday by Sharon Smalls

www.divorcecare.org

I remember how I felt the first holiday season following my marital breakup. I found myself dreading what had been one of my favorite times of the year. I was upset for two reasons. First was the thought that I would be alone that year for the first time in more than ten years. Although I wasn’t ready to become involved with someone, I was accustomed to at least having an arm to hold at holiday festivities (one of the many advantages of having a partner). So I found myself feeling incomplete.

Making matters worse, everywhere I looked—from television commercials to shopping malls—I saw “happy couples” doing “happy things” together: playing in the snow, romantically meeting on New Year’s Eve, lugging a tree home together. These images only served to reinforce my feelings of loneliness.

Second, I was increasingly anxious about encounters with relatives. I didn’t look forward to questions or comments regarding my divorce. It was personal and painful, and I wanted to keep it private.

I made it through that first year, and the next, and the next. Now, five years later, I’ve healed much, and once again I enjoy the holidays. However, I still experience the temptation to give in to loneliness or discouragement, especially when I am invited to affairs where couples will be. But my current struggles are not over a relationship gone bad, but learning to accept my “state” (Phil. 4:11) and maintaining a proper focus.

Let’s face it, for us single sisters, the holidays can be difficult, and even painful—especially when we desire to spend them with someone special. The temptation to feel incomplete, discouraged or even depressed can be overwhelming.

For you singles who were a “couple” last year but who, through divorce, widowhood, separation or the breakup of a courtship, find yourselves alone again, it can be downright devastating to face family members without your significant other. People may try to pretend all is normal, or they may feel it necessary to comment. But there is always a degree of discomfort accompanied by the continual reminder of failure and loss.

For those who just haven’t found “Mr. Right,” there’s pressure from well-meaning family members to get hitched, especially those who see you only this time of year. If you’ve been there, then you know all too well the questions and comments. Probably the worst is “I can’t understand why someone as nice … pretty … smart … ________ (you fill in the blank) as you can’t find someone.” Their intentions may be good, but they don’t realize their comments have the effect of pouring salt on an open wound.

Whatever your situation, if you’re plagued by feelings of loneliness or find yourself dreading the holiday season because of the lack of a mate, you can still experience victory in your single life even through the holidays. Here are several ways we as single women can make it through this sometimes-difficult period.

Get close to God
Remember that the God of all comfort knows your pain and heartache, your longings and desires. If we stay close to God, He will comfort our hearts, ease our pain, and in due time, give us the desires of our hearts. We can give our anxiety to the Lord because of His great care for us (1 Pet. 5:7).

If you find yourself broken or hurting because of a failed relationship or loss of your mate, allow yourself time to heal. Spend time with the Lord, who promises to comfort us and give us strength through the joy that He provides. Do not sorrow, for the joy of the Lord is your strength (Neh. 8:10). While happiness is circumstantial, joy is not.

When we bring it all to God and allow Him to minister to us, waiting patiently for Him to do His work in us, we can look forward with confident expectation to His renewing us. “[B]ut those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint” (Isa. 40:31).

Learn contentment
What helped me during this period was to recognize the trick of the enemy, which was to get me to focus on my desires, rather than on God’s purpose for my life. This leads to discontentment, which can cause us to become ungrateful.

Paul says in Philippians 4:11–13: “I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” Paul didn’t just instantly possess contentment; he had to learn it. That involved a process of going through painful, difficult trials.

Through my own experiences I have found the process of becoming content involves developing a greater trust in God—truly believing that God is in control and knows what is best for me—submitting to God’s will for my life, and remembering to give thanks, no matter what my situation. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Phil. 4:6–7).

Marriage and single life both have their share of sorrows and struggles, advantages and disadvantages, valleys and mountaintop experiences. The enemy works hard to convince us the grass is greener on the other side. We need to work equally hard at trusting God and becoming content in our situation.

Focus your spiritual lens
Once I realized Satan’s strategy, I was able to bring my spiritual lens into focus. Then I could see clearly the need to focus on serving others, and I began to take advantage of some of the many opportunities available for outreach, such as visiting people who are homebound, praying for the problems of others and lending a helping hand to make life better for others.

I focused on the work God had called me to do. He was able to minister to my loneliness and pain and to bring joy and fulfillment to my heart as a result of doing for others.

Handle relatives’ inquiring minds
In time, I found it helpful to develop a strategy for dealing with well-meaning relatives and friends. What worked for me was to respond to questions or comments by requesting them to pray for the situation, without going into any detail. I would then switch the subject. They caught on and left that topic alone.

It is also helpful to understand that many of our older loved ones (parents and grandparents) are communicating a desire to see us become “whole” or “complete” in their lifetimes. Unfortunately, they believe this can only be accomplished through marriage.

As we grow in Christ, we learn that wholeness has nothing to do with our marital status, but everything to do with our relationship with the Lord. Being close to God helps us learn contentment and gives us the right focus.

Have fun!
The Lord also reminded me that He wanted me to have a balanced life, so in addition to ministry involvement, I now make sure I take time to enjoy myself in the Lord!

One year I planned a singles fellowship where we shared music, songs, and poetry and played games. Everyone had a great time. Ask the Lord to show you how to have a good time! He will!

Be complete in Christ
If you are desiring companionship, remember that you are not a “half” on a perpetual search for the other part of yourself. We are complete in Christ. God intended us to be whole people, designed for great things in the Lord. When we look back at what we once experienced, we can feel less than complete.

I am learning how to press toward becoming all that Christ has in store for me—a victorious life, one of fullness and completeness! “Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward … the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus” (Phil. 3:13–14).

Remember the reason for the season
During this holiday season, keep in mind that this is a prime opportunity for us to be used by God to affect our world for Christ and to be a blessing to those in the sphere of influence God has given us. It’s the perfect time to share the gospel message, a message of hope and reconciliation to a dying, hurting world.

In return, God will bless us and provide periods of refreshing, filled with joy and peace. And God will do it in a way that exceeds in abundance all that we can ask or think according to God’s great power at work in us!

If you are not part of a DivorceCare divorce recovery support group program, visit www.divorcecare.org or call 800-489-7778 to find a group near you. At DivorceCare, you can find hope, discover help and experience healing in a safe place where others understand the emotions, fears and confusion you may be experiencing this holiday season.

This article originally appeared in the Winter 1999 issue of Excellence Magazine.

Find Your Life Preserver by Rick Reynolds

As a boy I took a course in lifesaving. This may come as a surprise to some, but I actually passed it. I even remember “rule #1,” never, never, never get into the water with a drowning person. Trying to save a drowning person can well result in your own death. Not that they intend to drown you, but at the moment of crisis they’ll grab whatever possible in a frantic attempt to keep from going under. If you’re nearby, then you just might be the most convenient available platform. Survival instincts can cause us to respond in unnatural ways.

Strangely enough, couples are a lot like drowning swimmers. It’s not that they are trying to hurt anyone, but in a frantic attempt to keep from drowning, they have a strange tendency to use their mate, hurting them in the process. Rarely do I meet people whom I consider evil. Generally, each party in a relationship is genuinely liked and respected by friends and peers. Only in the context of their own marriage do they struggle. When you feel that you’re going down for the last time, it’s hard to have a calm and rational response set. Instead, you are desperately trying to survive.

I believe it’s good to have a “lifeguard” as we swim the swift currents of marriage. I define this as someone who has training and experience in the art of throwing a lifeline, someone who has been in the water and knows how to survive and who knows how to get you to a safe place.

For this very reason, the “ARC Mentorship” program was created. When you are in life’s biggest crisis, it’s incredibly helpful to have someone who has “been there and done that.” This person knows what it’s like to be drowning and can throw you a life line, giving hope in what seems a hopeless situation.

In our recovery, the couples reaching out to us made all the difference. Thankfully, God placed knowledgeable couples in our path who had successfully navigated the difficult currents created by betrayal. They spoke hope and were an inspiration in the fact that they had survived the most difficult circumstance either of us could imagine. They helped us understand what to do. They prayed for us. They cried with us. They celebrated with us. Bottom line, they made the journey with us and poured life and hope into our struggling hearts.

The only problem is, where do you find a good “lifeguard” when you need one? How do you locate someone who has had the necessary training? It’s not necessarily a therapist or counselor. Please don’t think I’m saying the services of a professional are not necessary. Frequently the services of professionals are imperative for a couple to survive. There are times, however, when due to their lack of personal experience, professionals may not have the skills or the understanding of what you are going through. As Francis Shaeffer said:

"Only the one who has been hurt can bring healing. The other person cannot. It is the one who has been hurt who has to be willing to be hurt again to show love, if there is to be hope that healing will come.”

It needs to be someone who truly knows what you’re going through and who has, if possible, been through your circumstance. Someone who understands the magnitude of the fear, the pain, and the instability. The person who has survived a betrayal and rediscovered life after infidelity may be closer than you know.

Recognizing the great benefit that hurting couples can receive from others who have already walked this difficult road, The Affair Recovery Center has formed a mentor network for our online community. We pair our members with an individual or couple who has been through a similar situation. All of our mentors have already gone through what you’re experiencing, and are standing by to reach out to those who are traveling the same difficult road. You don’t have to be alone. Whether through the ARC or elsewhere, there are others who are willing to reach out a hand to you.

Learn more about the ARC online mentors http://www.affairrecovery.com

Divorce and Remarriage: What Jesus Says

Q: The New Testament seems to support divorce for a narrow range of reasons, but does it support remarriage?
—K.A.Miller, Wheaton, Illinois

A: There are three New Testament passages that bear most directly on the subject of divorce and remarriage. I suggest that when they are carefully considered, they prove to be both more demanding and less restrictive on the question of divorce and remarriage than evangelicals have often acknowledged.

Luke 16:18 is a very bold, straightforward saying that seems to settle the issue quickly: "Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery, and whoever marries a woman divorced from her husband commits adultery" (all quotations from the NRSV). Both divorce and remarriage are just plain wrong—right?

Almost all New Testament scholars agree that this saying is an abbreviation of a saying of Jesus that appears in its fuller form in Matthew 5:31–32 in the Sermon on the Mount. After discussing his views contrasted with those in Judaism, Jesus remarks, "It was also said, 'Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.' But I say to you that anyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of unchastity, causes her to commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery."

It is noteworthy that Jesus clearly sees some circumstances that legitimize divorce. A marriage continues to be valid until one party dissolves the marriage through unfaithfulness. This so-called exception clause appears here in Matthew 5 and again in Matthew 19 but does not occur in either Mark or Luke.

Churches and Christian institutions are mistaken when they indiscriminately deny the possibility of leadership or remarriage after men and women have divorced.In a similar passage in Mark 10:11–12, Jesus widens the scope of the teaching to show that such dissolution may apply to the behavior of either the man or the woman (even though in Jewish custom women could not divorce their husbands, Jesus includes women equally in his charge): "Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her; and if she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery." A more literal translation of "she commits adultery" reads, "she is adulterized," meaning if a woman is divorced without just cause, she is left in a valid marriage. Remarriage for her would, therefore, be adultery. In saying this, Jesus may very well have had in mind the practice of men discharging their wives without just cause, thereby exploiting them.

But how do we apply the "exception clause" today? Does Jesus only accept divorce as legitimate—but not remarriage for the innocent partner? In the Jewish society of Jesus' day, remarriage was always assumed for the innocent party unless prohibited for some particular reason. Unfaithfulness, therefore, would make a marriage invalid since a valid divorce canceled the marriage bond and allowed the innocent party to remarry exactly like a single person.

Jesus, in his radical kingdom commands, takes divorce very seriously. There is serious judgment for sin, but, at the same time, there is and should be no condemnation for the innocent.

"Why did Moses permit divorce?"
The second crucial passage is Matthew 19:3–12 (see also Mark 10:2–12). Here some Pharisees are testing Jesus' reading of divorce law. Jesus defends the permanence of marriage by appealing to Genesis—that the "two shall become one flesh." To answer why Moses permitted divorce, Jesus replies, "It was because you were so hard-hearted that Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for unchastity, and marries another commits adultery."

Note that again Jesus includes the "exception clause," which legitimizes divorces dissolved through unfaithfulness. The problem here has to do with Jewish laws that let men freely discharge their wives, often on spurious grounds. One great rabbi, Shammai, taught that the only basis for divorce was sexual unfaithfulness or adultery. But the Rabbi Hillel was more generous: "A man may divorce his wife even if she burned his soup … or spoiled a dish for him." Rabbi Akiba taught that divorce was acceptable "if he should find a woman fairer than his wife." Such divorces left women adrift in a male world, without hope of remarriage, and completely at a loss. Jesus is standing against such divorces of convenience.

He was also standing against the teaching that a man was required to dispense with his wife when he suspected unfaithfulness. (Consider Joseph's reaction when he learned of Mary's surprise pregnancy.) Jesus amends this, finding such behavior intolerable. Moses did not command his people to divorce wives, he permitted it. The springboard for right action should not be hard-heartedness, but charity. Jesus affirms once more that only if the woman has done something herself that irreparably ruptures the marriage can such a divorce be right. But it isn't a necessary response.

Many today have misread this particular passage to make two statements: (1) One cannot divorce his wife unless she has been unfaithful; (2) Whoever remarries commits adultery. But this is not the meaning. The active verb here is "commits adultery," and the entire sentence must be held together. It should be read, "Whoever does the following commits adultery: divorces his wife (except for immorality) and remarries another." Judgment is being placed not on someone remarrying but on someone remarrying after pursuing an illegitimate divorce. If the divorce is invalid, so is the remarriage. But the reverse is also true: if the divorce is valid, then re marriage must be acceptable, just as it was in commonplace Jewish custom.

"Not bound" to the marriage
A third important passage is found in 1 Corinthians 7, where Paul discusses Christian marriage. He echoes the teaching of Jesus, saying that husbands and wives are not permitted to leave each other but should work toward reconciliation. Then Paul addresses a subject that was foreign to Jesus and the Gospels. What if a Christian man or woman had a pagan spouse? Could there be spiritual union between two people when one worshiped idols? Paul affirms that Christians should not initiate a divorce because of the spouse's spiritual deficiencies: "If any believer has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her" (v. 12). The presence of a Christian in the marriage, Paul is saying, brings hope of salvation to the children and the family.

But then Paul makes one exception to Jesus' rule on divorce: If the unbelieving spouse deserts the marriage, the innocent spouse must work on reconciliation (vv. 10–11), but in the end "is not bound." This final phrase in verse 15 is crucial. The innocent party is not bound to the marriage, and this includes women or men equally. This language echoes words directly from Jewish divorce law: "not bound" means that the innocent person is free to remarry.

Paul even reinforces his thought in 7:26–28: "I think that, in view of the impending crisis, it is well for you to remain as you are. Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be free. Are you free from a wife? Do not seek a wife. But if you marry, you do not sin, and if a virgin marries, she does not sin." More literally rendered, Paul does not say "are you free," he says, "are you freed," meaning, someone who has been freed from a marriage, namely, someone who was married and divorced. Paul prefers they remain single because of the suffering of this age, but if they marry, according to verse 28, they do not sin.

In sum, Paul adds one more possible reason for a valid divorce: the desertion of a marriage by an unbelieving partner. In such a case, while the Christian spouse should not be eager to divorce, still, if he or she is a victim of divorce, he or she may remarry.

"The husband of one wife"
Finally, Paul makes some remarks about the nature of marriage in his pastoral letters that reflect on the issue of divorce and remarriage. In both 1 Timothy 3:2 and in Titus 1:6, Paul stipulates that bishops (1 Timothy) and elders (Titus) should be "married only once" or "the husband of one wife." These verses have led many Christian organizations to disqualify potential leaders who have ever been divorced. But I doubt that this is even near what Paul is thinking.

First, he may be referring to polygamy. While having multiple wives was against Roman law, still, it was legal in Palestinian Judaism even though monogamy was the norm. Jewish oral tradition, in fact, justifies having 18 wives. Thus, Paul may be saying that these Christian leaders must have "just one wife."

Second, evidence from Greco-Roman society indicates that some men did have concubines even though they were illegal in both Greek and Roman society. Paul may be making it absolutely clear: Christian men must be pure and moral in their marital relations. He is looking for leaders with stable family lives.

The New Testament, therefore, tells us that marriage is to be seen as a divinely instituted relationship between a man and a woman. It should be monogamous and permanent. However, there are two exceptions where divorce is valid: when a spouse is unfaithful and when an unbelieving spouse deserts the marriage. In each case, the marriage is dissolved and the innocent partner is free to remarry.

Divorce is the tragic result of what be comes of humanity as it wrestles with sin and brokenness. Whenever a marriage fails, we should mourn it as tragic. But there should be no error so grave that it cannot be forgiven; no mistake beyond the reach of grace.

Likewise, our God is a God of renewal and restoration. In some cases, this means restoring a marriage to its original partnership. In other cases—and I can think of many—it means that remarriage is an opportunity for renewal and new hope. This is why churches and Christian institutions are mistaken when they indiscriminately deny the possibility of leadership positions or remarriage after men and women have divorced. Such a position denies not only the spirit of Jesus' ministry but also misunderstands the grace of God in a broken world.

Story of John Osteen

"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness" (1 John 1:9).

JOHN OSTEEN, founder of Lakewood Church and father of pastor Joel Osteen (www.joelosteen.com), was a divorced pastor. Here's how his son Joel told about the story of what happened to his father in his bestseller book, "Your Best Life Now:"

"We all make mistakes, but God does not disqualify us simply because we have failed. He's the God of another chance. You may have missed plan A for your life, but God has a plan B, a plan C, a plan D, and a plan E. God will always find a way to get you to your final destination if you will trust Him.

The Old Testament records how King David ordered a man murdered so he could marry his wife. But when David repented, God forgave him and still used him in a greater way.

A man named Saul hated Christians; he chased them down, persecuted them, and had them thrown in jail. Yet God forgave him, changed his name to Paul, and he ended up writing more than half of the New Testament.

Rahab was a prostitute, yet God used her to deliver the children of Israel. Nobody is too far gone, no matter what he's done. You need to know that God still loves you. He has a great plan for your life; He has not run out of mercy. If you have asked His forgiveness, God has already forgiven you. The question is: Will you forgive yourself? Will you quit living in guilt and condemnation? Will you let the past be the past and live today in an attitude of faith and victory?

That is what my father had to do. Daddy went through a tragedy early in life. He married quite young, and unfortunately that wasn't one of his better choices. Sadly, the marriage didn't work out, and he went through a divorce. Daddy was heartbroken. His dreams were shattered and he didn't think he would ever preach again. It was one of the darkest hours of Daddy's life. He was tempted to hold on to the hurt and pain, continually blaming himself. He could easily have allowed his disappointment and disillusionment to keep him from moving forward and fulfiling his God-given destiny.

But Daddy had to quit mourning over what he had lost; he had to learn how to receive God's mercy, and to start believing God for something better.

Maybe you've made some serious mistakes; you've done some things that were not the best for your life, and now you're living in guilt, condemnation, or with a sense of disqualification. You will remain trapped in those doldrums unless you learn how to receive God's mercy and forgiveness, and move on with your life.

That is what my father did. Daddy made a decision to receive God's mercy for his mistakes and failures. And little by little God began to restore Daddy's life and ministry. Daddy began to minister again, but he never dreamed he'd get married again and have another family.

Then one day he met a nurse working at one of the hospitals where he visited some of his church members when they were sick. For my Dad, it was love at first sight. He started looking for any reason he could find to stop by that hospital. I mean, he would visit your great-aunt's third cousin's next-door neighbor if you asked him! He was there so much, my mother told one of her friends, 'That minister has the sickest congregation I've ever seen!' She didn't realize at the time that Daddy was there to see her. To make a long story short, they fell in love and got married. God gave Daddy beauty for his ashes, and Daddy went on to touch the world.

He pastored Lakewood Church in Houston for more than 40 years, and today all five of my parents' children are working in the ministry. God took what the enemy meant for evil, and He turned it around and used it for good. But I don't believe that would have happened if Daddy had stayed trapped in the past, focused on his sadness and disappointments. I don't believe it ever would have happened if Daddy had not learned how to receive God's mercy."

Inner Demons: Elizabeth's Letter

(This insighful letter was written by one of the American members of Beyond Affairs Network)

Nancy:

I agree with you, I too don't think Patti's letter focuses on what
is really destroying marriages today.

Trust me it is NOT pornography, open marriages, the gay or lesbian
couple next door or whatever else we choose to do in our homes or
bedrooms.

As you stated, I know an open marriage would not work for me. As
you, I too have a dear friend that chooses the concept of open
marriage. It seems to works well for her and her husband, they have
been married for almost 30 years, raised three beautiful children
and enjoy four grandchildren. KUDOS to them.

I watched the Oprah show that Patti references in her original post
and I watched the couple Oprah interviewed on open marriages. Again
it is not for me, but if it works for them, then what right do we
have to tell them no or lay shame at their feet for living their
life as they see fit.

I know in my own household, when I discovered that my husband had
been carrying on with the OT for six years off and on, it was the
deception and lies of our vows that shattered my soul. It was
listening to him explain his feelings of emptiness, being alone, and
feeling not wanted. At the same points in our lives I could go back
and re-read in my journal or look at pictures and realize that at
those times we were on vacation together, or sharing a romantic
evening at home. That is when I knew there was more to this affair
thing. My husband is VERY romantic, not a day goes by that he does
not tell me how beautiful I am, how sexy I look, how much he loves
me. He has always bought me gifts, cards and flowers, and our sex
life is certainly an 11 on a scale of 1 to 10. So why, why, why???
That is when I knew it was deeper, very much deeper. It is not
about sex and I know pornography didn't make him do it.

My husband's affair had NOTHING to do with sex. The act of sex makes
us as human beings "feel good", for that time when we are engaged in
the sexual act our minds and bodies are taken to another place
within our being. Within is affair, the actual act of sex could
have been good or terrible, however, it served only as a
temporary "fix" for the actual problem.

Pornography had nothing to do with my husband having an affair. The
reasons why my husband had an affair is seeded deep inside of him
and his subconscience. It stems from childhood and how he was made
to feel less than, unimportant, unaccepted and unvalued. It was how
his self image has been molded. Since childhood he has had to tuck
away emotion and certain situations. Now they lie painfully tucked
away in his soul. Yet they affect every part of his being.

The breakdown of the American family has nothing to do with
pornography or open marriages or even affairs. There are so many
other reason that the american famly is in trouble. I can't speak
for all, but I know that mine is not dissolving, it is becoming
stronger. And we still act like freaks when the door is closed and
locked and sometimes the lights left on.

I am reading a new book that I have been trying to get ahold of for
months now. Sexual Detours by Dr. Holly Hein. I can't put it down,
it explains so much. Why we choose a sexual detour as our excape
route.

Anne's book is right on too, saying that my husband's affair is the
best thing that happened to me, it is for me. Because it opened my
eyes to so many factors inside of our marriage that need to be
worked on. It made me a stronger person to deal with tragedy in
life. That is not to say if I found out tomorrow that he was having
another affair it would not hurt, but it would enable me to know
that I am not at fault, and I can acquire happiness without this
pain.

I fear that my husband will reoffend, and it is not because we lite
the candles, broke out the massage oil, toys and movies last night.
It is not because I feel he doesn't love me or want me, quite the
opposite is true, but rather it is because of the demons and unrest
that is within his conscience. The demons and unrest are what makes
him think that alcohol, drugs and sex can make the demons go away.
It doesn't make it go away, it places a bandaid on something; a
temporary feel good anticeptic. Tomorrow when you rip that bandaid
off the pain is still there, and it usually hurts worse. Then there
is another demon tucked in the closet, and another reason to try to
run away.

We have a good marriage, our foundation is good. We are spiritual
and religious people, we read the Bible, we pray together. My
husband has a steady and very good job. I want for nothing and if I
mention something he usually delivers, he spoils me rotten.
Although I wish he knew how to pick up socks, clean gutters and mow
the yard, he is a pretty good guy.

My husband chose a sexual detour because he is unable to deal with
the demons that haunt his from the inside out. We will continue to
work on that as well as our lives together.

With all respect,

Elizabeth

Secrecy: Isn't secrecy necessary to protect your children?

From http://www.dearpeggy.com

Question:
I understand the need to be more open about affairs, but when you live in a small community and you are trying to protect your teenaged children by keeping them from finding out, then secrecy is necessary, isn't it? I feel that they don't need to share this burden.


Peggy's Response:

The above question refers to an article I have posted here on the website. (If you haven't read it, it's Breaking the Code of Secrecy.)

The concerns expressed in this question are understandable and legitimate, and I do NOT want to try to convince any particular person to go against their own judgment as to what's best in their own situation. But I do hope to have more dialogue about the pros and cons of more openness about this issue.

It's easy to see secrecy (especially as mentioned above in relation to teenaged children) as "necessary;" however, it's important to recognize that it's actually a choice that each person makes. And all choices involve consequences. And while it's easy to see the potential problems in being more open, we often fail to recognize the potential problems in not being honest. For instance, "family secrets" have a way of coming out at some point in the future, and the resultant turmoil becomes less about whatever "incident" was kept secret as about the dishonesty and deception involved. (This is all the more ironic in that the very basis of all affairs is a willingness to be dishonest and deceptive.)

Even more important, we fail to recognize the potential advantages in being more open and honest. For instance, the overall impact on our teenagers was a renewed appreciation for the importance of honesty. Our relationship with our kids had always been based on honesty, and this just put that commitment to honesty to the test. Our kids were 11 and 13 when we told them about our experience. They were 16 and 18 when we wrote a book about our experience back in 1980. (Of course, we were far more open than most people would be due to the fact that we wrote the book—and talked about it in the media.)

In fact, when a reporter from our local small-town newspaper came to our home to interview us, she was fascinated when our 16-year-old son entered the room, and wanted to ask him about his reactions. Here are some quotes from the article she wrote:

"Andy said, 'I guess Vicki and I were both aware that something was happening between our parents. It didn't shock me or anything when they told us. Vicki and I have always had a good relationship with our mother. We've always been able to talk to her. After they told us, I just figured they were still our parents, and we kind of went on from there.' Peggy said she and James felt they related well to their children because they were willing to freely communicate with them. 'That means telling them honestly how we feel as well as listening to them,' Peggy said. 'Most people are not exposed to an open, honest, growing relationship when they themselves are growing up."
(end of excerpt from Hilton Head Island Packet, July 1980)

In 1998 I was interviewed for another article that includes quotes from a phychotherapist about the potential "positive impact on the children" from disclosing an affair. See: Talking Honestly With Your Children. (As alluded to in this article, it's possible that giving kids a more realistic understanding of the risk of affairs may help them avoid having this experience in their own lives—which might be the most potentially positive benefit of all.)

There are, of course, other considerations (in addition to concerns about the children) that need to be assessed. Here are some excerpts from The Monogamy Myth that shed light on some other potential benefits of more openness:

Some Benefits of Speaking Out

There are several important messages being sent when you speak out about your own experience. You are rejecting the idea that the affair was caused by a personal inadequacy. (And, if you're still married, it shows you also understand it was not strictly a personal failure of your spouse.) This causes others to rethink their own attitudes. People expect you to feel embarrassed and ashamed; when you don't, it causes them to stop and wonder why.

Another important benefit of being open about your own experience is that it diminishes the sense of aloneness felt by those people who are still suffering silently, thinking an affair is only their personal problem. For instance, at the time we wrote Beyond Affairs, our daughter was a senior in high school. Her best friend asked the English teacher for permission to use our book as the subject of a book report. The teacher agreed--and read the book as well.

A few days later the teacher appeared at my door to tell me that she had known for some time that her husband was having an affair, but had not been able to talk to anyone about it. She knew her relationship was unrecoverable, but she hadn't been able to bring herself to take action. Learning about my experience helped her break her silence, prompting her to begin to face her own situation... Sometimes, all a person needs is to know they're not alone in order to break the code of silence for themselves. And all of us can participate in making this possible.
(end of excerpt from The Monogamy Myth)

The bottom line is that this issue may be a little like any major effort to change societal attitudes. The assumptions about affairs (that they only happen to "bad" people" or in "bad" marriages) are so ingrained that the first people to challenge these assumptions by openly discussing their own experiences may be unfairly challenged. While I don't mean to put this on the level of the civil rights issue or the women's rights issue, it may take that kind of commitment to change the old assumptions. As it is, people really don't know much about affairs—primarily because of the Code of Secrecy.

For my initial article on this issue, see: Breaking the Code of Secrecy.

P.S. As mentioned earlier, we were far more open than most people (in that we "went public" with our story), so our experience was not necessarily representative of the reactions to simply being open with those close to you. But for those who want to read about our experience in Breaking the Code of Secrecy, see: Reactions to Going Public.

NOTE:
A much more thorough understanding of the material covered in these
Questions is contained in my book, The Monogamy Myth.

Secrecy: Breaking the Code of Secrecy

Breaking the Code of Secrecy
by Peggy Vaughan
http://www.dearpeggy.com

For many years I've struggled with the dilemma of how to help people recover from a spouse's affair while maintaining so much SECRECY about their experience. While I have scrupulously protected the privacy and confidentiality of all who have contacted me for help, I have nevertheless recognized that much of the difficulty in recovering is precisely due to the secrecy with which we all cooperate in maintaining—what I have called the Code of Secrecy.

So I want to invite (and encourage) everyone to make a commitment to work toward Breaking the Code of Secrecy. In fact, it can't be done without all of society playing a role in developing more responsible honesty about this problem (which, frankly, impacts almost everyone at some time in some way—whether within your own family or among your friends).

I deal with this issue extensively in my book, The Monogamy Myth—so I'm going to quote from those writings in hopes of helping everyone recognize their role in maintaining the Code of Secrecy.

Below is a very long series of excerpts from The Monogamy Myth:


THE CODE OF SECRECY
The most significant support for affairs in our society is the secrecy that surrounds them (and our infatuation with that secrecy). Because of the stories of famous people involved in affairs (and the way affairs are paraded before us every day in movies, television, and newspapers), there might not appear to be so much secrecy surrounding them. But where it really counts, in an individual's own life, there's still a tremendous amount of secrecy. In fact, there's a code of secrecy in our society that involves all of us and affects every aspect of this issue.

The basic attitude of the general public is that you can't talk about affairs. And closely aligned with this assumption is the belief that you shouldn't talk about them. Since many people see affairs as wrong, they feel that secrecy is appropriate. But by adopting this attitude, we are providing the kind of protection and support that actually increases the likelihood of affairs.

The code of secrecy provides a buffer from the world that makes it easier for a person to engage in affairs and to avoid dealing with the consequences, or even to seriously contemplate the consequences. We can't expect those who are having affairs to be more concerned about the effects of their behavior as long as the secrecy we all support serves to protect this kind of behavior.

There are a number of very specific ways secrecy protects the person having an affair: If their partner suspects, they're less likely to question them directly. If friends or co-workers know, they're less likely to tell the partner. If their mate finds out, they're less likely to tell other important people (mother, children, or the clergy). The person having an affair comes to count on this cooperation in maintaining the secrecy to which they are totally committed.

Never tell. If questioned, deny it. If caught, say as little as possible.
This is the basic code of secrecy among those having affairs.



CONSEQUENCES OF THE CODE OF SECRECY

One of the major consequences of the code of secrecy is the way secrecy compounds the problem for people trying to cope with their partners' affairs. The secrecy leaves them alone with their anxiety if they suspect and alone with their pain if they find out. It's quite possible that this isolation threatens a person's sanity even more than dealing with the affairs themselves.

It's clear that the secrecy in dealing with affairs is a critical factor in a person's struggle to recover from the emotional impact of this experience. Most people keep their pain hidden, if at all possible. Some people become obsessed with the idea of keeping their experience secret from others. One man said this was his most pressing concern, that, in fact, he had become almost paranoid about other people "knowing."

The process of keeping this information from others increases the feelings of shame and embarrassment (because if it weren't seen as shameful, it wouldn't need to be kept secret). And the longer it's kept secret, the stronger the feelings of shame. So the secrecy and the problem with self-esteem serve to reinforce each other.

Humiliation
After getting beyond the immediate devastation and the pain of being deceived, the person whose partner has had an affair is likely to feel humiliated that others know about it (and may have known it all along). For most people, this feels like a public loss of respect. Their embarrassment may cause them to avoid public groups and public gatherings because they think everyone will be whispering about them. And it causes many people to hide from everyone while they try to regain some of their self-esteem.

Shame
This goes beyond humiliation in that it assumes more than just the self-consciousness of others knowing about the affair; it includes feeling that others are judging them as responsible for it. Since affairs are seen as "improper" and "dishonorable," a person whose partner has an affair feels tainted by the situation and ashamed of the fact that it happened. They may be overwhelmed with feelings of remorse and regret for having married someone who would have an affair, further damaging their self-esteem.



OVERCOMING THE SECRECY ABOUT AFFAIRS

Despite the consequences of abiding by the code of secrecy, it's seldom that anyone even considers doing otherwise; but ignoring the code of secrecy can lead to a very different outcome. In one instance, the wife of a prominent businessman, family man, and community leader caught her husband having sex with his secretary on his desk. Instead of taking it personally and hiding it while she licked her wounds and decided what to do, she proceeded to talk openly about what had happened. It was not a very large community and soon virtually everyone knew the story. As you can imagine, the impact (both on him and on her) was significantly different from what it would have been had she abided by the more socially accepted code. She avoided the "pitiful" stereotype and showed she was a strong, confident person who recognized this was not a reflection of her worth as an individual or as a wife. And her husband had to face the consequences of his actions and share responsibility for dealing with the situation.

This may be an unusual way of reacting to this experience, but it illustrates how a lack of secrecy can alter the way the issue affects the people involved and the perception of others. If people cannot count on the code of secrecy to protect them, they may change their thinking--and their actions. And the other party will certainly feel stronger and be able to recover more quickly since they won't have to hide their head in shame, hoping others don't find out.

Most people personally dealing with affairs will continue to be controlled by the code of secrecy until there's a change in society's attitude. We can't expect them to share their fears or suspicions as long as we consider their silence to be appropriate behavior. A careful look at the impact of our silence indicates a need to redefine appropriate. It's certainly appropriate to try to alleviate the pain and anxiety of those who are suffering alone as a result of our silence.

One reason it has taken so long for society to recognize the seriousness of this problem is because of the secrecy. It's hard to talk openly when you take it personally, and it's hard not to take it personally if you are closed off from outside sources that could help in getting beyond the strictly personal interpretation.

It's always hard when people are breaking new ground and trying to go against the prevailing norms. It's not easy to speak out about personal experiences when society is saying it's not appropriate to do that. If those who want to be of help are to have any realistic chance of making a difference, it's up to all of us to help create a climate that makes it acceptable to discuss these issues more openly. It's a delicate subject, but it's time we made an effort to support those who are willing to speak out.

It took me several years to begin discussing my own experience. I didn't just wake up one day and decide to pour out my whole story. It was a very gradual process of telling a few people and getting such positive reinforcement for the value of the sharing that I increasingly expanded my openness in talking about it. This open discussion has been an extremely satisfying experience. My efforts to help others led to increasing my understanding and perspective of what had happened in my own life. The common bond of recognizing similarities in individual feelings and reactions is a great help in overcoming the sense of being so alone.

This need/desire for secrecy has always been a huge problem—and is based on the fact that people feel ashamed, embarrassed, "like a failure," etc. This is why I've always worked so hard to help people understand that:
--affairs are extremely prevalent
--affairs are not restricted to "bad" people or "bad" marriages
--affairs are caused by much more than just "personal failure"
--therefore, affairs do not need to be kept secret.

So now I want to increase my general effort to encourage more openness and less Secrecy. This state of mind that dictates "secrecy" and "staying hidden and anonymous" only makes a bad situation worse. As I've pointed out previously, when things seem "too awful to talk about" they often feel "too awful to get over." And the intense secrecy feeds right into this feeling, making it even more difficult for them to recover from the emotional devastation.

So I implore everyone to step up and take responsibility for supporting a safe environment for people to more openly share their experiences with this life-altering situation.

WHY IT'S EVERYBODY'S BUSINESS

The most immediate reason we need to be informed about affairs is because no one is immune from having affairs disrupt their lives or the lives of those they care about; they happen to all kinds of people, in all walks of life. Traditionally our attitude has been that unless it touches us personally, we deal with it by ignoring it, denying it, or condemning it. Unfortunately, this does nothing either to help deter affairs or to deal with their consequences. If we're to be the kind of caring, compassionate society we aspire to be, we can't turn our backs on the countless people who are suffering alone.

THE MONOGAMY MYTH

The Monogamy Myth is the belief that monogamy is the norm in our society and that it is supported by society as a whole. The effect of believing that most marriages or committed relationships are monogamous is that if an affair happens, it's seen strictly as a personal failure of the people involved. This leads to personal blame, personal shame, wounded pride, and almost universal feelings of devastation.

We need to reject the Monogamy Myth, not to excuse those who have affairs, but to relieve the sense of shame and inadequacy felt by their mates. Since they keep their shame and anger hidden, they seldom get enough perspective to completely recover from these feelings, regardless of whether they stay married or get a divorce. Surviving this experience if it has happened (or avoiding it if it hasn't) is best accomplished by dealing with reality, not holding on to a myth.

NEW HOPE FOR MONOGAMY

Monogamy is something most people say they believe in and want for themselves. Every survey ever done on this question shows a high percentage of people think monogamy is important to marriage and that affairs are wrong. But a belief in monogamy as an ideal doesn't prevent large numbers of people from having extramarital affairs. We need to make a commitment to face the reality of affairs and address the issue in a more responsible way, both individually and as a society.

This means challenging many of our most cherished beliefs about monogamy and affairs. It will be hard to question some of our old assumptions--and even harder to give them up. Our attitudes about monogamy and affairs are so ingrained that we find it difficult to consider anything that deviates from those beliefs. But it's essential if we're to gain understanding and perspective about this very emotional issue.

(end of series of excerpts from The Monogamy Myth)

To get more understanding of this issue, I encourage you to read the entire book.
It is available through most bookstores or can be ordered from Amazon.com.
We also have it available here on our Website in PDF format.
To purchase it in PDF for immediate download, see our list of eBooks.

To read about my own experience in "Breaking the Code of Secrecy," see:
My Personal Story of Dealing with Affairs.

And to read some of my Previous Questions and Responses on a related issue, see:
Isn't secrecy necessary to protect your teenaged children?
What about approaching a co-worker who is having an affair?

Also, you can gain more perspective about affairs in general by reading (or re-reading) the following articles:
The Prevalence of Affairs ("You're Not Alone")
Who has Affairs - and Why
Our Fascination with Extramarital Affairs
Peggy's Overview of Affairs

Anne Brecht's Letters to Betrayed Spouse and Unfaithful Spouse

Letters From Anne Brecht (http://www.beyondaffairs.com)

- A MESSAGE TO THE BETRAYED SPOUSE
- A MESSAGE TO THE UNFAITHFUL SPOUSE

MESSAGE TO THE BETRAYED SPOUSE

Dear Betrayed Spouse,

My heart goes out to you. Truly I understand how utterly devastated
and broken-hearted you feel.

It is normal to feel like life just isn't worth living anymore, but
you must will yourself on. You can and will get through this, one day
at a time. If you have children, you need to be strong for them. They
need you.

You can survive this and come out happier and stronger on the other
side, but it takes effort.

Certainly you can forgive your spouse in time. Trusting them again is
something entirely different. They need to earn trust from you by
changing their behavior and continuing to act in a trustworthy manner
over a period of time. You should not trust your spouse if he/she is
not worthy of your trust. It is one thing to forgive a person who has
wronged you, but that does not mean you should allow that person to
continue to hurt you.

Whatever you choose to do from this point forward is your decision.
No one else is living your life, and your friends and family members
who may be quick to tell you, "just leave that loser," are not the
ones who will live with the consequences of those decisions, so you
must make the right decisions for you.

When I discovered my husband's affair, I was given advice from people
I chose to confide in. Some of that advice was helpful, and some of
it stunk. Beware of advice that stinks. Feel free to avoid people
that give you advice that isn't helpful. Right now you need to do
whatever it takes to get yourself through this, and if that means
avoiding unhelpful people, so be it.

On one of the first days after discovering My Husband's Affair, while
I was packing my bags to leave him forever, (which seemed like a
logical thing to do since he told me he was choosing the other woman
over me), someone did give me some very good advice, advice that
saved my marriage. It was this:

"You can leave this marriage if you want. You have every right to do
so, and no one would blame you. Even though it doesn't seem like it,
I believe your spouse loves you. I don't understand what's happening
right now either, but I encourage you: Do not make a final decision
about something as important as your marriage while you're in the
emotion of the moment. WAIT AT LEAST 3 MONTHS BEFORE MAKING ANY MAJOR
DECISONS."

The first thing you need to do to survive this trauma is
TAKE CARE OF YOU, so that in the future you will be thinking straight
to make the best possible decisions for yourself.

Do something for yourself today, just to survive the day. Go to the
spa, buy a new outfit, go for a walk in a nice park, or do all three.

You are wise to seek outside support. Your journey to survival will
largely involve educating yourself. You can do this through reading
books that will help you understand affairs, what it takes to have
a good marriage, and how to be a strong and emotionally healthy
person. I recommend starting by reading my book, "My Husband's Affair
Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me," because it will help
you to know that you're not alone, and you're not going crazy after
all. It will encourage you, and it will help you to avoid some
mistakes.
http://www.beyondaffairs.com/books_about_affairs.htm

A list of other recommended books is provided on the
beyondaffairs.com website.
http://www.beyondaffairs.com/resources_recovering_from_affairs.htm#books

You can learn to be happy and have a great life, no matter what
decisions your spouse makes. And as you grow as a person, your
spouse will be faced with his/her own choice. He/she will either
choose to grow into a better person also, or you'll leave him/her
behind in the dust (even if you choose to stay in the marriage).

Here's an article to help you get started on this journey to
survival:

http://www.beyondaffairs.com/articles/surviving_infidelity.htm

#######################################################
MESSAGE TO THE UNFAITHFUL SPOUSE

Dear Unfaithful Spouse,

If your spouse just found out about your affair, reach out and find
a trustworthy friend or counselor who you can discuss your situation
with. You need someone to listen to your feelings. I know you feel
confused, that's why you need some sensible input. Your affair
partner is not the trustworthy friend you need at the moment, because
they are not neutral.

You are being faced with some of the biggest decisions you will ever
make in your life, which will have far reaching implications on your
future for years to come. You better make sure you are making
informed decisions, not emotional decisions. One way to make
informed decisions is to educate yourself about affairs by reading
books.

After reading my book, "My Husband's Affair Became the Best Thing
That Ever Happened to Me," you need to read, "Not Just Friends" by
Shirley Glass. It is neutral, enlightening, informative, and
practical.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0743225503/passionatelif-20/002-1726459-8024051

Keep this thought in mind: WRONG REACTIONS MAKE A BAD SITUATION WORSE.
I've seen far too many lives destroyed not because of an
affair, but because of doing the wrong things after the affair is
disclosed.

The biggest mistake spouse's who've had affairs make is withholding
information, minimizing facts, and telling more lies. Do not attempt
to lessen the blow for your spouse by covering up the real truth with
more dishonesty! When the emotions of the moment subside and rational
thinking returns to your spouse, in the final end it will not be the
affair or the sex with the other person that has hurt them the most.
It will be the lies.

What you need to realize is that you have already hurt your spouse
as much as it is possible to hurt a human being. There is only one
way you can hurt them more now, and that's by telling more lies,
after you claim to be telling the truth. I'm not saying you should
tell your spouse more details then they are asking for, but whatever
questions they do ask, you better tell the whole truth. You've got
to come clean.

Trust me. They are going to find out, sooner or later, and if it's
later, it's going to be really bad for you.

Sincerely,

Anne



Passionate Life Seminars, PO Box 162, Abbotsford, British Columbia V2S 4N8, CANADA

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FAQ from Affair Recovery Center

How can the Affair Recovery Center help me?

Affair Recovery Center is dedicated to restoring marriages to a healthy state. We offer individual, couple and group counseling to people from all walks of life who struggle with affairs and sexual issues. We also offer the unique opportunity to link up with other couples who have a story similar to yours and have already traveled through this process and have successfully come out on the other side. If you choose, you can also take advantage of our marriage encounter groups, training seminars, and online support for those grappling with the many troubles of sexual addiction.

Is there hope?

We operate under the firm belief that there is always hope. It is central to all we do, and if we did not believe this, we would all go into another profession! We work with real people, facing real problems who initially feel nothing but despair, and ultimately experience renewal and an exciting sense of purpose in a relationship they may have once given up for lost.

I feel all alone, like I am the only one struggling with this. Is that true?

Absolutely not! There are millions who wrestle with the problem of infidelity and sexual addiction or who are affected by a significant other with a problem. Often, people who struggle with sexual temptation feel isolated because they are too ashamed to confess their situation to another, and they may believe that they are alone and flawed. The Affair Recovery Center is here to take the shame out of facing sexual temptation and marital infidelity as we help restore the gift of healthy relationships. Our unique format allows you to address your issues while maintaining your privacy.

Is it always going to hurt this badly?

Although the situation may seem unbearably painful now, it will not last forever. In fact, there are a large number of people with whom we have worked who down the road can look back on the situation and say that although they would not want to go through the pain again, that it was the best thing that ever happened to them because of the positive changes that later came out of it. You will never forget what is happening to you now, but one day, you will be able to look back on it without feeling the pain.

Will my spouse ever be able to forgive me?

Yes, although it is going to take some work. However, the good news is that through education and reconciliation, your marriage might emerge even stronger and more meaningful than it was before the infidelity. The end result of counseling with couples who have been through the Affair Recovery program is often a level of intimacy that before you might not have imagined possible.

Is it a problem or is it just me?

If you suspect that your spouse is caught up in an affair or other destructive behavior, any sexual acting out that your partner may be involved in outside of your marriage is a problem. In many cases, your spouse may make you feel like you are the cause of such behavior, but this is a hollow and false justification for the behavior. No matter how they spin it, there is without question a problem with what your spouse is doing.

If you are in an affair or any sexual indulgence outside of your marriage, it is a problem, even if it is just at the fantasy level. It's a problem regardless of any justification you may have told yourself.

Is this normal or am I just losing it?

Experiencing betrayal in a marriage can cause all sorts of chaotic and confusing feelings. One of the most perplexing is often a profound sense of aloneness. When you feel such isolation, you might have all kinds of questions about what is happening, who you can talk to, if your feelings are normal or if you are really losing your mind. This experience has a way of causing individuals or couples to lose equilibrium and leave them clueless about what direction to take. We try to provide a sense of direction through our marriage mentors, our groups and our material. The intense pain and confusion of these situations can cause extreme reactions in both mates, but God provides a way through this valley, and we will help you find others who have successfully navigated their way through as well.

Where did I go wrong? Did I cause this?

Sometimes it is difficult to pinpoint where someone's compulsive sexual activity originated because many factors lead to sexual betrayal in marriage. Often, people hope that by getting married they will cure their compulsive behavior once and for all. The problems are not so easily buried, however, and the behavior will usually re-emerge in the marriage. Because affairs are the end result of so many things, if you are wondering if you did something to cause your spouse's behavior, rest assured the answer is no. All marriages have deficits and all marriages have difficult problems, but not all marriages experience affairs as a result of these problems. The good news is, now that the behavior is in the open, you can work towards resolving it and discover healthy ways of addressing the issues in your relationship.

Is this an affair or just a slight indiscretion?

It doesn't really matter because the consequences to the relationship are essentially the same. An affair by definition is a betrayal of the marital relationship, for it violates the covenant that two people made. People involved in affairs are generally aware that their actions would be viewed as breaking the commitment to monogamy that they made with one another. It makes no difference whether or not the person involved in the affair believes the behavior is acceptable or not, for the very fact that the actions are secretive reveal that the person consciously knows that their behavior is unacceptable. Secrecy is nothing more than an attempt to avoid the consequences. There are four primary types of affairs: one night stands, entangled relationships, sexual addiction and soul mate relationships. All of these violate the boundaries of the marital relationship.

What is sexual addiction?

Sexual addiction is a sickness involving any type of uncontrollable sexual activity. Like alcoholism or drug dependency, it involves a pathological relationship with a mind-altering chemical. In the case of sexual addiction, the mind-altering chemical is the biological-emotional rush or reaction that comes with the behavior. Because of the pathological nature of the activity, it represents dysfunction in one's life.

Can a marriage recover from an affair?

Absolutely! We believe that God is capable of doing all things, and that some of His greatest miracles are worked through the healing of marital relationships rocked by betrayal and pain. We find that more than 90% of the men and women who participated in our couples groups have not only recovered, but also report that their marriages are actually better than before. Couples who go through the healing journey address not only the devastation of the betrayal, but also work to correct other weak points in their relationship.

Why should I try to make this work?

At the Affair Recovery Center, we encourage individuals and couples to be obedient to what God is telling them, even if it does not make sense at the time. We hope that you will consider the time and work that has been invested in your marriage up until now. Even if it feels like a lost cause, these broken places are often where God has the greatest opportunity to work the most profound growth in our lives, and it is in such seemingly impossible places where His power, grace, and glory is most often displayed. Also consider that refusing to be obedient to God's calling has consequences for us and our children. Divorce and separation leave a legacy that increases the probability of failed marriages in the future.

What if my spouse won't admit there's a problem?

It is not necessary for your spouse to admit there is a problem for God to begin working. God does not allow these types of situations in our lives to bring problems to us, but rather to reveal problems in us. The healing process may well begin as we stop living to the demands of our spouse and begin looking to God for our peace and security. As we place our faith in God, in time He will reveal His truth to us. In the meantime, there are others who have been where you are now who can help you uncover the truth as well as provide their insight and support on how to survive the ordeal you are facing. We can help you with this.

Do you only work with Christians? I'm not sure what I believe.

While we approach things from a biblical Christian perspective, we do not require our clients to profess a particular faith. We will be open about what we believe and expect the same of those who are working with us. We often find that working through the devastation of an affair or sexual addiction causes people to seek spiritual solutions, and our approach may meet that need.

Relapse Prevention

from http:www.affairrecovery.com

For some reason, the topic of “Relapse Prevention” strikes fear in the hearts of all who have suffered the pain associated with betrayal. The thought that this could happen again is frightening indeed. However, the relapse itself is not the main obstacle to eventual recovery. Rather, it is the response to relapse that determines the outcome of recovery. It is not uncommon for human beings, in a moment of mindlessness, to do things they never intended. However, I have learned in my recovery that “behavior doesn’t equal motive” and “temptation doesn’t define me.”

How many of us have ever done something that we really didn’t want to do. In a moment of impulsivity, we made a choice we later regretted. For example, my intent was to stay on the diet, but ….somehow that didn’t happen. Now some of you may be saying, “a diet is one thing, but infidelity is another,” and you’re right, but the same forces that cause the fall from the diet are at work in our recovery from an affair. As the apostle Paul explains in I Corinthians 7, once we decide not to do something, another force goes into effect and we want that thing more than ever. This is human nature. It’s not that we want to do the wrong thing, in fact we want to do the right thing, but the very decision not to do that wrong thing creates the ravenous desire to do that very thing.

Now don’t freak out. I’m not saying your mate is ready and willing for a repeat performance. In fact, most of us feel little or no desire to go there again. Furthermore, our research shows that if people return to old behaviors, they don’t just pick up where they left off. Instead, they get back into the water slowly. Initially, we are dead serious when we determine never do these things again. At the same time, as we discussed in Week 2, my best efforts have a way of ending in failure, because the best of the flesh is the worst of the flesh. My efforts to change can actually set up my failure.

We are only as weak as our strongest point. That may sound funny, but it is the honest truth. At the root of all relapse are our best efforts. It is “our” attempts at self-control, “our” attempt at self-reliance, and “our” attempts at self improvement. Please do not think that I am saying that all will relapse. That is not the case, but when relapse occurs, it is always based in pride. We believe that we should be able to do this, that if we try hard enough, we will overcome. We are carried away by our confidence in our own ability. We want to be normal and to be able to assume that this will never happen again. As the old saying goes, “the road to hell is paved with good intentions.” Couples in recovery have an abundance of good motives and good intentions, but as mentioned above, “behavior doesn’t equal motive.”

I say all of this, because I think it is important to assume that relapse can always occur, although that is in no way an excuse or permission to relapse. You see, we must follow the paradoxical path of weakness rather than of strength. As the apostle Paul stated, “Where I am weak then He is strong.” My goal in recovery and the attitude that has helped sustain my sobriety for over 18 years is an attitude of weakness. I recognize that I cannot handle it, rather than believing that I can or should. It takes humility to stay in a place of weakness, and knowing that it is best simply never to put myself in high-risk situations.

My own relapse, at 5 years, came not because I wanted to go back to an old behavior, but rather because I thought I was “all better” and would be able to handle situations that I’d never been able to handle in the past. I certainly didn’t start back where I had left off, but I knew, once I started that I had opened Pandora’s box. My second mistake was the same as the first, I thought I could stop it again only to find that as in the past, it controlled me.

The problem with my journey back into old behaviors was not so much what I was doing as it was me trying to handle it by myself just as I had before. It really wouldn’t have mattered what exactly, I was doing, what mattered was how I handled it. As before, I was trying to protect my image by keeping the problem secret. Infidelity is the keeping of secrets, and once again, I was keeping my wife in the dark. I couldn’t be free until I let go of both my pride and shame and began to live in honesty and acceptance again. Likewise, my wife would never be safe as long as I was keeping her in the dark.

That event was over 18 years ago, and I’m happy to say that it was my most recent run in with a behavior that, unfortunately, I am more than capable of repeating again. It’s just that now, I never assume I’m better. Instead, I accept who I am and what I am capable of and I live accordingly. It is not a bad way to live, but it is different from the way of life that the world presents as “ideal.” I understand that I’m a human wrecking ball and I am more than capable of destroying the lives of everyone who is associated with me. For that reason, and with that knowledge, I walk in daily surrender to God asking him to be to me all that I am not, and daily admitting that this is as good as I get. Apart from his power in my life, I’ll once again put those love at risk.

Use wisdom in your recovery. Don’t put yourself in high risk situations. Instead, be always aware that you are capable of relapse and live accordingly.

Forgiveness: The First Thing to Do

You've been betrayed.

Your spouse, the person you once loved and trusted
most in the world, took advantage of your confidence
and walked all over it leaving you to stew in your sickening
feelings of anger, shame, resentment, fear, and maybe
even jealousy.

Perhaps your spouse cheated on you, breaking the sacred
oath of fidelity that was the foundation of your marriage.

Or maybe your spouse broke faith with you by systematically
lying about who he was or what he was doing. Gambling,
stealing, drinking excessively, or getting involved in nefarious
business dealings are a few examples that come to mind.

If this describes the current state of your marriage, you
are facing one of the most difficult challenges any married
person has to cope with...

You're desperately looking for a way to forgive your spouse
so you can move on with your life and get back the wonderful
marriage you once shared.

There's only one problem.

You don't think you can forgive your spouse.

The hurt goes too deep. You don't trust your spouse anymore.
What if you forgive and he or she betrays you again? What
if he or she has another affair? You don't want to be walked
on like some cheap doormat. And you don't think you can go
through the pain all over again.

You know if you don't forgive it's going to be hard ...
maybe even impossible ... to rebuild your marriage.

But you're terrified that if you do forgive, the
consequences may be even worse.

You're caught in a trap--stuck in a Catch 22--and no
matter how hard you try you can't seem to get free of it.

We've all heard the saying "To err is human, to forgive divine."

But we aren't divine. We're all human beings
struggling to get by in this crazy world.

The question almost raises itself:

"If I can't forgive, what's left? How can I move on with
my marriage? How can we rebuild what we once had and
move on with our lives?"

You can't.

I hate to tell you, but you can't "go back to the way things
once were in your marriage." If you take that path, you are
in for more of the same kind of pain you are facing right now.

Going back to the way things once were is not going
to solve your problems.

But there is another path you can take.

You can work to make your marriage better than it
was--maybe even better than ever.

And the road you need to take to make that happen doesn't
require forgiveness.

In fact, forgiveness may even come naturally if you follow
the path I suggest.

You don't have to forgive your spouse to move on
with your marriage.

There is another path you can take. That path can be summed
up in a single word ...

Acceptance.

Let me explain.

A New Path to Forgiveness: Acceptance

In my opinion forgiveness doesn't work the way many
people think it does.

I've heard people in my office, on movies, on TV,
in books, and in articles I've read speak about forgiveness
as though it's something they simply "decide" to do. Once
they make their "decision" the light of forgiveness is
turned on and everything is wonderful and light again.

This is what I would call "magical thinking."

I once heard about a couple whose daughter
was murdered. This man and woman eventually went down
to the prison, met with their daughter's killer face to face,
and forgave him.


Honestly, I have to say this
isn't a form of forgiveness I even understand. I don't doubt
the reality of it. I just don't understand it myself.

In my view, forgiveness requires work. If you do the work,
the feeling of forgiveness comes by itself ... in time.

The work you have to do starts with acceptance.

Acceptance is the path you take to move toward forgiveness.

Instead of focusing on the seemingly miraculous (perhaps
even divine) act of "deciding" to forgive, when I work with
my clients I help them take the path of acceptance so they
can work toward a better marriage in a practical step-by-step matter.

I have found that working toward forgiveness this way makes
the act of forgiving more accessible to many people.

Acceptance will allow you to systematically work through
your anger, overcome your anxiety, rebuild trust in your
partner, and do so without being stuck with the feeling that
you might be walked on like a doormat one more time.

With acceptance you don't have to "make a decision" and
jump into forgiving all at one time. You can take it slowly,
and feel out how things are going in your marriage. This way
you don't get stuck in the process of forgiving only to be
betrayed again. Instead, you look at your relationship rationally
and do the work you need to make it better.

To start understanding how this works, let's look at the
definition for "acceptance" and see how it is different
than the definition for "forgiveness."

Defining Acceptance

The Oxford English Dictionary defines acceptance as
"willingness or ability to tolerate." The definition for
forgiveness is "cease to feel angry or resentful toward."

In my mind, the difference between these definitions
is quite enlightening, and it's a good indicator for why
acceptance is the path you take toward forgiveness.

When your spouse betrays you, it's very unlikely that
you are going to wake up one day and simply cease
to feel angry or resentful about his or her actions unless
you do some work to make that happen.

In my opinion you can't just "decide" to make these
feelings go away. You have to take some specific actions
so you can overcome them.

The first step is to accept that the awful events
which occurred in your marriage did, in fact, occur.

This means getting past your initial denial. It means
accepting that what happened in the past happened,
and there is no way to undo that reality.

It means abandoning the idea that you can "go
back to the way things once were." Because, for most of you,
if your honest with yourself, things probably weren't so great
before otherwise your marriage probably wouldn't be
in the state it's in now.

And it means coming to terms with the idea that you
aren't going to simply "get over it" one day.

The experience of having your spouse betray you has
become a part of your history now. There's no way you
can go back to a time before that happened.

There are going to be unpleasant and unwanted feelings
associated with this reality. You aren't doing yourself
any favors by trying to swallow, ignore, or "just get
over" those feelings. In fact if you try to do that, you'll likely
make your problems worse.

What you can do is accept that what happened
happened. You can accept that your spouse's actions
really happened, and your emotional responses to those
actions are really happening too.

You can choose to be "willing to tolerate" the actions that
happened and the feelings you are experiencing now. If you
are willing to do that, you can then take specific steps toward
overcoming the difficult emotions and experiences you
are now suffering from.

That doesn't mean you have to like what happened.
Acceptance does not mean you have to say, "It's all
okay. What you did is okay. Now we can all be happy
again."

Quite the contrary!

No one can expect you to like the fact that your spouse
cheated on or otherwise betrayed you. That's absurd.
Acceptance does not mean you have to approve
of what happened in any way.

However, you do have to accept the reality of your situation
right now.

Once you do that, then there are specific exercise you can
employ to overcome the anger and fear you feel. You can
work a set of exercises that will allow you to rebuild your
trust in your partner, learn how to communicate, get past
your feelings of jealousy, rid your mind of the awful images
of the affair, and ultimately rebuild confidence in your spouse.

However, if you don't accept the reality of your situation,
the chances any this will happen are minimized.

When you accept your situation you are saying, "I don't like
what happened. I don't like the feelings I am having right
now. I don't even like my marriage or my spouse right now.
But I'm willing to tolerate this so we can work toward a
better future as a couple."

If you do this, with time and work you will get to a place
where the bad feelings you are experiencing move to
the back of your mind. You will be aware that your past
happened, but the memory of it won't plague you as
much anymore.

This won't happen overnight, and it won't happen unless
you put some real work into your marriage to make it better
than ever.

Pastoring and Divorce

Rethinking an Old Tradition
By David Flick

Dr. Charles Stanley may be just the person who will bring Southern Baptists to their senses regarding divorced pastors. Could Dr. Stanley be the one who inadvertently issues the wake-up call to Southern Baptists on what may be an outdated tradition?

It has been a long standing tradition that men are disqualified to be pastors when they become divorced. This tradition is based on a questionable interpretation of 1 Timothy 3:2a [Now an overseer must be above reproach, the husband of but one wife,... (NIV)] Traditionally, Southern Baptists have interpreted this to mean that a man cannot be divorced and also be qualified for the position of pastor of a local church. Obviously, the tradition was meant to honor the Bible in the best possible way. For generations, the traditional interpretation has prevented multitudes of men from being pastors in local Baptist churches.

A close examination of the passage reveals that the qualifications for pastors [bishop, overseer] do not discuss divorce. The subject of divorce isn't mentioned among the qualifications for either pastors or deacons. The idea that the phrase "...husband of but one wife," must be interpreted to mean "husband not divorced," is one born purely out of tradition. It is an argument from silence. As an argument from silence, it becomes an opinion rather than what the Bible actually says about the marital state of the pastor of a local church.

Southern Baptists have traditionally been very inconsistent with this tradition. They allow remarried widowers and single men to serve as pastors of local churches. If one is to be rigidly literal with the interpretation of this passage, then single men must also disqualified. Yet, single men are not traditionally disqualified. Which means that Southern Baptists are being inconsistent even with the literal meaning of the verse.

Now comes Dr. Charles Stanley, pastor of the great First Baptist Church in Atlanta, Georgia. Dr. Stanley has been a top leader among Southern Baptists for several decades now. He is a past president of the Southern Baptist Convention. He has a preaching/teaching ministry whose influence stretches beyond Atlanta into the entire United States and around the world. For the past five or six years, it was publicly acknowledge that his marriage was on the rocks. Within the last year, Dr. Stanley experienced a somewhat bitter divorce. [Can any divorce be not bitter?]

According to fundamentalist tradition, Dr. Stanley became disqualified to serve as pastor of a local church. However, not according to tradition, he refuses to step down from his position of leadership of the great church in Atlanta. Some questions need to be raised. Does the divorce mean that God has withdrawn the His call to Dr. Stanley to serve as the pastor of Atlanta First Baptist Church? Is Dr. Stanley violating Scripture by retaining his position? Is Dr. Stanley now living in sin while keeping the position? Does this high profile divorce among Southern Baptist pastors now lead Southern Baptists to rethink their position on divorced pastors? How about some possible answers to these questions?

1) Does the divorce mean that God withdrew His call to Dr. Stanley to serve as the pastor of Atlanta First Baptist Church? Traditionalists answer affirmatively. They say he should step down immediately. Others, including myself, say this tradition should be reexamined because it cannot be solidly backed with scripture. It is an argument from silence to say that the Bible declares a pastor must never have experienced divorce

2) Is Dr. Stanley violating Scripture by retaining his position? Traditionalists answer affirmatively. They say his divorce is grounds for disqualification. Others, including myself, question the tradition which is based on an argument from silence. My questioning this tradition is based on the way Southern Baptists interpret the entire passage of qualifications [1 Timothy 3:1-7]

If Southern Baptists are going to be literally rigid at this point, what are they going to do about pastors who are known to violate other qualifications found in the list? What about those pastors who simply have no control over their own families? What about pastors whose children are involved in drugs and crime while making babies out of wedlock? What about the pastors who are known to be greedy for money? What about the pastors who are quarrelsome, conceited, and have no good reputation with outsiders? Obviously the Southern Baptist tradition on divorce needs reexamination. Perhaps it's time for them to join other evangelical denominations and become redemptive rather than cruelly unredemptive.

3) Is Dr. Stanley now living in sin while keeping his pastoral position? Traditionalist answer affirmatively. Would he somehow cease to be living in sin simply by relinquishing the position? I think not. Primarily because all Southern Baptist pastors live in sin. We are all sinners. Simply relinquishing the position of senior pastor of a local church because of the dictates of a tradition does not absolve anyone of sin. Sin is forgiven by God. All sin is forgiven by God. And divorce is a forgivable just as is adultery, stealing, lying, and whatever sin one may care to name.

The tradition, as it now stands, puts Southern Baptists in the position of making divorce an unforgivable sin. Although they vehemently deny this, to categorically deny a divorced man from pastoral leadership position is tantamount to calling it an unforgivable sin. Indeed it is an unforgivable sin so far as the traditionalists are concerned. Traditionalists jump through all sorts of semantic gymnastic hoops when they declare that the man must forever suffer the consequences of divorce. The consequences are that he be banned for life from being a pastor of a local church.

This attitude is not one of forgiveness at all. It is an unforgiving attitude to declare that a divorced man, who has been forgiven by God, can never again serve as pastor of a Baptist church. Let him go somewhere else and serve the Lord. Or let him preach the gospel without pastoring a church. This says that a divorced Baptist preacher is nothing more than a second class citizen in the Kingdom of God. I think this tradition needs to be reexamined. I think we need to treat pastors who have unfortunately experienced divorce with more dignity than banning them for life from the pastorate. If God can forgive the sin of divorce, can Southern Baptists do any less? To do any less than God is to be Pharisaic about the sin.

4) Does this high profile divorce among Southern Baptist pastors now lead us to rethink our position on divorced pastors? Traditionalist answer negatively. They are determined that a literal interpretation of 1 Timothy 3:2a disqualifies any and all men from serving as pastor of a local church. I think the time has come for Southern Baptists to rethink this outdated tradition.

Has Dr. Stanley's divorce changed his ability to preach the Gospel? Has his divorce ruined his ability to teach the Bible? Has his divorce thwarted his ability to lead Atlanta First Baptist Church? Has the divorce honestly disqualified him from serving in God's Kingdom? No honest person can answer these questions negatively.

Dr. Stanley is just as capable of serving Atlanta First Baptist Church today as he was prior to his divorce. When it comes to teaching and preaching God's word, I have rarely, if ever disagreed with his theology. He is among the best of Southern Baptists when it comes to conservative expository biblical preaching and teaching. He is fundamentally sound in his theology.

I have often criticized Dr. Stanley's involvement in Southern Baptist denominational politics. But that criticism has always been at the point of politics rather than theology. I suppose I will always disagree with his denominational politics, but I applaud his determination not to step down due to a long standing tradition which was built on a questionable interpretation of the Bible. I think it's time for Southern Baptists to rethink divorce as being the unpardonable sin for Baptist pastors. We need to throw the tradition in the river and redeem good and godly men for ministry in Baptist churches. Maybe Dr. Charles Stanley is just the man to throw this tradition into the river.

July 1, 2001

(This article was written for the Editorial section of BaptistLife.Com Discussion Forums)