New Year 2008 Message from Anne Brecht

I wanted to take a moment and wish you all the best for the New Year. I hope that all of you had a good holiday. Realistically I know it has likely been a difficult time for most of you.

As we enter the New Year, I've spent a lot of time reflecting on my own life, and how far I've come ... how far my marriage has come. In 2000, really a mere 8 years ago, I never in a million years would have believed that my life could be so good, that I would ever be as happy and blessed as I am today. I share this to give all of you hope.

Many of you think, I'm extra special, extra strong, extra forgiving or something. I'm not. What I have managed to achieve of happiness, any of you can achieve.

"A happy person is not a person with a certain set of circumstances, but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes."

I'm not minimizing the time it takes to heal from affairs. You do have to grieve your loss,be angry, be sad, and go through the process to heal, but if you apply yourself to the process with an unstoppable will to get beyond this and get your life back, you can heal, be happy again, and even create the life you want for yourself.

I use the word "create" the life for yourself, to share with you one of my personal secrets to getting beyond the pain. The secret is CHOOSING to see myself as a victor in life instead of as a victim. I know we are "victims" of the affair, and we didn't deserve for this to happen to us, but we don't need to stay in victim mode.

A victor in life believes "I create my life." A victim believes "Life happens to me." Basically that some people are lucky and some people are unlucky and where we are in life is merely a matter of chance. The problem with viewing life this way is it's pretty darn depressing.

We are not in control of things that happen to us necessarily, although our attitudes and thoughts will certainly have some bearing on that, but we are totally in control of the way we choose to react to the circumstances that come into our lives.

Over Christmas, I took some time to read a book for fun ... not another book on affairs and relationships, like I'm usually always reading, and I read the book "The Secret."

I know the book is controversial, but most of the life principles presented in the book are ones I agree with and live by, and they are biblical which may concern some of you. (most are biblical - not all.)

Here's a synopsis of the secret as I see it.

1. Whatever you are thinking about all the time will have a tendency to eventually become reality in your life.

"As a man thinks in his heart, so is he."

Henry Ford is quoted as saying "Both he who says he can, and he who says he can't are right."

If you think you'll never have a real loving marriage, you probably won't, if you think you'll never get a good job, you probably won't, if you think no one will like you, you'll probably put off negative vibes and many people won't.

However, if you can dream the future life you want, write it down, start thinking about it, that's the first step to "attracting" that kind of life to you.

2. ASK for what you want.

"You have not because you ask not."

BELIEVE that you are going to have what you want (often a trickier part)

"Ask and you shall receive that your joy may be full."

"Faith is the substance of things hoped for and yet not seen."

And the last part of this step is to actually RECEIVE. Some of us really have a difficult time with this. We see ourselves as not worthy of having good things in our lives and when they come to us we subconsciously sabotage ourselves from receiving it.

3. Have a grateful heart. Be thankful for what you do have.

This is just a brief synopsis, and of course many of us may even have differing views on this... you are extra special to me and I wanted to give you something of value to start your new year with.

I recommend closing your eyes and being quiet for some moments. Imagine the way you
want your life to be. Create it in your mind. Be detailed. Imagine you are living that life. How do you feel? what do you see? Then write it all down.

Then write another list. Sit down and think about all the things you are thankful for that you do have now.

May 2008 be an amazing year of healing and blessings for all of you.

Sincerely - Anne Bercht

PS - I'm typing this email from Malaysia. I will be traveling until Jan. 27. I plan to stay in touch as usual while doing so, but just wanted you to know in case I don't respond within 24 hours ... which is the standard I aim for.

“I forgave my cheating mate” (Chelsea Kaplan)

If your mate has cheated, forgiving and forgetting might be nearly impossible, right? Well, some people are able to give their straying sweeties another chance. Here, they tell their stories... and give the rest of us plenty of food for thought!

I forgave my mate…

…because she seemed genuinely remorseful
“After my girlfriend came to me and admitted she had hooked up with another guy, I was crushed. When she told me, though, she seemed so genuinely sad and sorry. Because of this, I decided to forgive her and not break up with her. I could tell she really realized she had messed up and would have done anything to turn back the clock and do things differently. Her being that sincere made me willing to give her another shot.”
– David, 28, New York, NY

…because there were kids involved
“I forgave my husband after he cheated on me because we had kids together. For their sake and the sake of our family as a unit, I felt like I had to at least try to make things work instead of just immediately kicking him out, which is what I really felt like doing. We’ve worked on things a lot, and now we’re on the road to getting back on track. It was hard to forget, but I can honestly say I forgave him.”
– Dawn, 32, Raleigh, NC

…because everyone deserves a second chance
“After my boyfriend cheated on me, I was so hurt. I still loved him, though, so deciding what to do wasn’t really black and white for me. After a lot of back and forth, I decided to forgive him. My friends thought I was crazy, but for me, letting go of someone I cared about so much because of one mistake wasn’t something I could do. I figure that everyone deserves a second chance, but not a third. If he does it again, he’s out, but for now, I’m willing to forgive him.”
– Talinda, 26, Glen Oaks, NY

…because there was alcohol involved
“My girlfriend kissed another guy right in front of my face at a New Year’s Eve party. We had both been drinking a lot. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, and I nearly lost it. However, the next morning after we had sobered up, we talked about it and I chalked up the experience to the alcohol. To be honest, if some girl had approached me that night, I was so wasted, I may have done the same thing. It was just one of those stupid, drunken screw-ups, so I got over it. And we learned a lesson about how much to drink, too.”
– Alan, 23, Fresno, CA

…because he agreed to go into couples counseling
“When my boyfriend admitted to cheating on me, I was conflicted about what to do. I still loved him, but I couldn’t see staying with him and still trusting him. I proposed we go to couples counseling to work on our relationship, and he was in complete agreement. He was very honest and open in the counseling, and seemed committed to working on our issues and making sure we moved forward in a way that involved better communication. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done — much harder than I expected! — but we noticed a real improvement in our relationship as a result of the counseling, and it helped me find a way to forgive him and move on.”
– Jane, 31, Alexandria, VA

…because I loved her—and her family
“I didn’t grow up in a very large or particularly close family, so when I began dating Catherine, who was one of a tight-knit clan of six brothers and sisters, it was like instant family. They were all so warm and fun to be around; it was a total relationship bonus. Things were going really well until I found out that she had cheated on me. I was very upset, so when she begged me to try to work things out, it was tough to say yes. When I thought about losing her, though, I couldn’t imagine that—both because of my feelings for her and for her family. I decided to give it another go-around, and so far, we’re doing a good job of working on moving past it.”
– Trey, 29, Lansing, MI

…because I’d almost strayed before, too
“In the very early stages of my relationship with my boyfriend, I sort of cheated on him with my ex. Technically, maybe I didn’t cheat, but I definitely crossed a line... I never told him because I realized it was a huge mistake that I’d never make again. A few months later, he admitted he had cheated on me with one of his business school classmates. I was hurt, but I felt like I didn’t really have much of a right to be upset with him, considering what I had done. I chose to forgive him and give him another chance, because I know that people all make mistakes. We’re both going forward with a new sense of commitment, and I’m feeling very hopeful about our future together.”
– Nicole, 25, Jersey City, NJ

Chelsea Kaplan is deputy editor at www.thefamilygroove.com. Her blog, “I’m Somebody’s Mother?” can be found at www.rumymother.blogspot.com.

Happy Single Holiday by Sharon Smalls

www.divorcecare.org

I remember how I felt the first holiday season following my marital breakup. I found myself dreading what had been one of my favorite times of the year. I was upset for two reasons. First was the thought that I would be alone that year for the first time in more than ten years. Although I wasn’t ready to become involved with someone, I was accustomed to at least having an arm to hold at holiday festivities (one of the many advantages of having a partner). So I found myself feeling incomplete.

Making matters worse, everywhere I looked—from television commercials to shopping malls—I saw “happy couples” doing “happy things” together: playing in the snow, romantically meeting on New Year’s Eve, lugging a tree home together. These images only served to reinforce my feelings of loneliness.

Second, I was increasingly anxious about encounters with relatives. I didn’t look forward to questions or comments regarding my divorce. It was personal and painful, and I wanted to keep it private.

I made it through that first year, and the next, and the next. Now, five years later, I’ve healed much, and once again I enjoy the holidays. However, I still experience the temptation to give in to loneliness or discouragement, especially when I am invited to affairs where couples will be. But my current struggles are not over a relationship gone bad, but learning to accept my “state” (Phil. 4:11) and maintaining a proper focus.

Let’s face it, for us single sisters, the holidays can be difficult, and even painful—especially when we desire to spend them with someone special. The temptation to feel incomplete, discouraged or even depressed can be overwhelming.

For you singles who were a “couple” last year but who, through divorce, widowhood, separation or the breakup of a courtship, find yourselves alone again, it can be downright devastating to face family members without your significant other. People may try to pretend all is normal, or they may feel it necessary to comment. But there is always a degree of discomfort accompanied by the continual reminder of failure and loss.

For those who just haven’t found “Mr. Right,” there’s pressure from well-meaning family members to get hitched, especially those who see you only this time of year. If you’ve been there, then you know all too well the questions and comments. Probably the worst is “I can’t understand why someone as nice … pretty … smart … ________ (you fill in the blank) as you can’t find someone.” Their intentions may be good, but they don’t realize their comments have the effect of pouring salt on an open wound.

Whatever your situation, if you’re plagued by feelings of loneliness or find yourself dreading the holiday season because of the lack of a mate, you can still experience victory in your single life even through the holidays. Here are several ways we as single women can make it through this sometimes-difficult period.

Get close to God
Remember that the God of all comfort knows your pain and heartache, your longings and desires. If we stay close to God, He will comfort our hearts, ease our pain, and in due time, give us the desires of our hearts. We can give our anxiety to the Lord because of His great care for us (1 Pet. 5:7).

If you find yourself broken or hurting because of a failed relationship or loss of your mate, allow yourself time to heal. Spend time with the Lord, who promises to comfort us and give us strength through the joy that He provides. Do not sorrow, for the joy of the Lord is your strength (Neh. 8:10). While happiness is circumstantial, joy is not.

When we bring it all to God and allow Him to minister to us, waiting patiently for Him to do His work in us, we can look forward with confident expectation to His renewing us. “[B]ut those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint” (Isa. 40:31).

Learn contentment
What helped me during this period was to recognize the trick of the enemy, which was to get me to focus on my desires, rather than on God’s purpose for my life. This leads to discontentment, which can cause us to become ungrateful.

Paul says in Philippians 4:11–13: “I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” Paul didn’t just instantly possess contentment; he had to learn it. That involved a process of going through painful, difficult trials.

Through my own experiences I have found the process of becoming content involves developing a greater trust in God—truly believing that God is in control and knows what is best for me—submitting to God’s will for my life, and remembering to give thanks, no matter what my situation. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Phil. 4:6–7).

Marriage and single life both have their share of sorrows and struggles, advantages and disadvantages, valleys and mountaintop experiences. The enemy works hard to convince us the grass is greener on the other side. We need to work equally hard at trusting God and becoming content in our situation.

Focus your spiritual lens
Once I realized Satan’s strategy, I was able to bring my spiritual lens into focus. Then I could see clearly the need to focus on serving others, and I began to take advantage of some of the many opportunities available for outreach, such as visiting people who are homebound, praying for the problems of others and lending a helping hand to make life better for others.

I focused on the work God had called me to do. He was able to minister to my loneliness and pain and to bring joy and fulfillment to my heart as a result of doing for others.

Handle relatives’ inquiring minds
In time, I found it helpful to develop a strategy for dealing with well-meaning relatives and friends. What worked for me was to respond to questions or comments by requesting them to pray for the situation, without going into any detail. I would then switch the subject. They caught on and left that topic alone.

It is also helpful to understand that many of our older loved ones (parents and grandparents) are communicating a desire to see us become “whole” or “complete” in their lifetimes. Unfortunately, they believe this can only be accomplished through marriage.

As we grow in Christ, we learn that wholeness has nothing to do with our marital status, but everything to do with our relationship with the Lord. Being close to God helps us learn contentment and gives us the right focus.

Have fun!
The Lord also reminded me that He wanted me to have a balanced life, so in addition to ministry involvement, I now make sure I take time to enjoy myself in the Lord!

One year I planned a singles fellowship where we shared music, songs, and poetry and played games. Everyone had a great time. Ask the Lord to show you how to have a good time! He will!

Be complete in Christ
If you are desiring companionship, remember that you are not a “half” on a perpetual search for the other part of yourself. We are complete in Christ. God intended us to be whole people, designed for great things in the Lord. When we look back at what we once experienced, we can feel less than complete.

I am learning how to press toward becoming all that Christ has in store for me—a victorious life, one of fullness and completeness! “Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward … the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus” (Phil. 3:13–14).

Remember the reason for the season
During this holiday season, keep in mind that this is a prime opportunity for us to be used by God to affect our world for Christ and to be a blessing to those in the sphere of influence God has given us. It’s the perfect time to share the gospel message, a message of hope and reconciliation to a dying, hurting world.

In return, God will bless us and provide periods of refreshing, filled with joy and peace. And God will do it in a way that exceeds in abundance all that we can ask or think according to God’s great power at work in us!

If you are not part of a DivorceCare divorce recovery support group program, visit www.divorcecare.org or call 800-489-7778 to find a group near you. At DivorceCare, you can find hope, discover help and experience healing in a safe place where others understand the emotions, fears and confusion you may be experiencing this holiday season.

This article originally appeared in the Winter 1999 issue of Excellence Magazine.

Find Your Life Preserver by Rick Reynolds

As a boy I took a course in lifesaving. This may come as a surprise to some, but I actually passed it. I even remember “rule #1,” never, never, never get into the water with a drowning person. Trying to save a drowning person can well result in your own death. Not that they intend to drown you, but at the moment of crisis they’ll grab whatever possible in a frantic attempt to keep from going under. If you’re nearby, then you just might be the most convenient available platform. Survival instincts can cause us to respond in unnatural ways.

Strangely enough, couples are a lot like drowning swimmers. It’s not that they are trying to hurt anyone, but in a frantic attempt to keep from drowning, they have a strange tendency to use their mate, hurting them in the process. Rarely do I meet people whom I consider evil. Generally, each party in a relationship is genuinely liked and respected by friends and peers. Only in the context of their own marriage do they struggle. When you feel that you’re going down for the last time, it’s hard to have a calm and rational response set. Instead, you are desperately trying to survive.

I believe it’s good to have a “lifeguard” as we swim the swift currents of marriage. I define this as someone who has training and experience in the art of throwing a lifeline, someone who has been in the water and knows how to survive and who knows how to get you to a safe place.

For this very reason, the “ARC Mentorship” program was created. When you are in life’s biggest crisis, it’s incredibly helpful to have someone who has “been there and done that.” This person knows what it’s like to be drowning and can throw you a life line, giving hope in what seems a hopeless situation.

In our recovery, the couples reaching out to us made all the difference. Thankfully, God placed knowledgeable couples in our path who had successfully navigated the difficult currents created by betrayal. They spoke hope and were an inspiration in the fact that they had survived the most difficult circumstance either of us could imagine. They helped us understand what to do. They prayed for us. They cried with us. They celebrated with us. Bottom line, they made the journey with us and poured life and hope into our struggling hearts.

The only problem is, where do you find a good “lifeguard” when you need one? How do you locate someone who has had the necessary training? It’s not necessarily a therapist or counselor. Please don’t think I’m saying the services of a professional are not necessary. Frequently the services of professionals are imperative for a couple to survive. There are times, however, when due to their lack of personal experience, professionals may not have the skills or the understanding of what you are going through. As Francis Shaeffer said:

"Only the one who has been hurt can bring healing. The other person cannot. It is the one who has been hurt who has to be willing to be hurt again to show love, if there is to be hope that healing will come.”

It needs to be someone who truly knows what you’re going through and who has, if possible, been through your circumstance. Someone who understands the magnitude of the fear, the pain, and the instability. The person who has survived a betrayal and rediscovered life after infidelity may be closer than you know.

Recognizing the great benefit that hurting couples can receive from others who have already walked this difficult road, The Affair Recovery Center has formed a mentor network for our online community. We pair our members with an individual or couple who has been through a similar situation. All of our mentors have already gone through what you’re experiencing, and are standing by to reach out to those who are traveling the same difficult road. You don’t have to be alone. Whether through the ARC or elsewhere, there are others who are willing to reach out a hand to you.

Learn more about the ARC online mentors http://www.affairrecovery.com

Divorce and Remarriage: What Jesus Says

Q: The New Testament seems to support divorce for a narrow range of reasons, but does it support remarriage?
—K.A.Miller, Wheaton, Illinois

A: There are three New Testament passages that bear most directly on the subject of divorce and remarriage. I suggest that when they are carefully considered, they prove to be both more demanding and less restrictive on the question of divorce and remarriage than evangelicals have often acknowledged.

Luke 16:18 is a very bold, straightforward saying that seems to settle the issue quickly: "Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery, and whoever marries a woman divorced from her husband commits adultery" (all quotations from the NRSV). Both divorce and remarriage are just plain wrong—right?

Almost all New Testament scholars agree that this saying is an abbreviation of a saying of Jesus that appears in its fuller form in Matthew 5:31–32 in the Sermon on the Mount. After discussing his views contrasted with those in Judaism, Jesus remarks, "It was also said, 'Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.' But I say to you that anyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of unchastity, causes her to commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery."

It is noteworthy that Jesus clearly sees some circumstances that legitimize divorce. A marriage continues to be valid until one party dissolves the marriage through unfaithfulness. This so-called exception clause appears here in Matthew 5 and again in Matthew 19 but does not occur in either Mark or Luke.

Churches and Christian institutions are mistaken when they indiscriminately deny the possibility of leadership or remarriage after men and women have divorced.In a similar passage in Mark 10:11–12, Jesus widens the scope of the teaching to show that such dissolution may apply to the behavior of either the man or the woman (even though in Jewish custom women could not divorce their husbands, Jesus includes women equally in his charge): "Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her; and if she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery." A more literal translation of "she commits adultery" reads, "she is adulterized," meaning if a woman is divorced without just cause, she is left in a valid marriage. Remarriage for her would, therefore, be adultery. In saying this, Jesus may very well have had in mind the practice of men discharging their wives without just cause, thereby exploiting them.

But how do we apply the "exception clause" today? Does Jesus only accept divorce as legitimate—but not remarriage for the innocent partner? In the Jewish society of Jesus' day, remarriage was always assumed for the innocent party unless prohibited for some particular reason. Unfaithfulness, therefore, would make a marriage invalid since a valid divorce canceled the marriage bond and allowed the innocent party to remarry exactly like a single person.

Jesus, in his radical kingdom commands, takes divorce very seriously. There is serious judgment for sin, but, at the same time, there is and should be no condemnation for the innocent.

"Why did Moses permit divorce?"
The second crucial passage is Matthew 19:3–12 (see also Mark 10:2–12). Here some Pharisees are testing Jesus' reading of divorce law. Jesus defends the permanence of marriage by appealing to Genesis—that the "two shall become one flesh." To answer why Moses permitted divorce, Jesus replies, "It was because you were so hard-hearted that Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for unchastity, and marries another commits adultery."

Note that again Jesus includes the "exception clause," which legitimizes divorces dissolved through unfaithfulness. The problem here has to do with Jewish laws that let men freely discharge their wives, often on spurious grounds. One great rabbi, Shammai, taught that the only basis for divorce was sexual unfaithfulness or adultery. But the Rabbi Hillel was more generous: "A man may divorce his wife even if she burned his soup … or spoiled a dish for him." Rabbi Akiba taught that divorce was acceptable "if he should find a woman fairer than his wife." Such divorces left women adrift in a male world, without hope of remarriage, and completely at a loss. Jesus is standing against such divorces of convenience.

He was also standing against the teaching that a man was required to dispense with his wife when he suspected unfaithfulness. (Consider Joseph's reaction when he learned of Mary's surprise pregnancy.) Jesus amends this, finding such behavior intolerable. Moses did not command his people to divorce wives, he permitted it. The springboard for right action should not be hard-heartedness, but charity. Jesus affirms once more that only if the woman has done something herself that irreparably ruptures the marriage can such a divorce be right. But it isn't a necessary response.

Many today have misread this particular passage to make two statements: (1) One cannot divorce his wife unless she has been unfaithful; (2) Whoever remarries commits adultery. But this is not the meaning. The active verb here is "commits adultery," and the entire sentence must be held together. It should be read, "Whoever does the following commits adultery: divorces his wife (except for immorality) and remarries another." Judgment is being placed not on someone remarrying but on someone remarrying after pursuing an illegitimate divorce. If the divorce is invalid, so is the remarriage. But the reverse is also true: if the divorce is valid, then re marriage must be acceptable, just as it was in commonplace Jewish custom.

"Not bound" to the marriage
A third important passage is found in 1 Corinthians 7, where Paul discusses Christian marriage. He echoes the teaching of Jesus, saying that husbands and wives are not permitted to leave each other but should work toward reconciliation. Then Paul addresses a subject that was foreign to Jesus and the Gospels. What if a Christian man or woman had a pagan spouse? Could there be spiritual union between two people when one worshiped idols? Paul affirms that Christians should not initiate a divorce because of the spouse's spiritual deficiencies: "If any believer has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her" (v. 12). The presence of a Christian in the marriage, Paul is saying, brings hope of salvation to the children and the family.

But then Paul makes one exception to Jesus' rule on divorce: If the unbelieving spouse deserts the marriage, the innocent spouse must work on reconciliation (vv. 10–11), but in the end "is not bound." This final phrase in verse 15 is crucial. The innocent party is not bound to the marriage, and this includes women or men equally. This language echoes words directly from Jewish divorce law: "not bound" means that the innocent person is free to remarry.

Paul even reinforces his thought in 7:26–28: "I think that, in view of the impending crisis, it is well for you to remain as you are. Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be free. Are you free from a wife? Do not seek a wife. But if you marry, you do not sin, and if a virgin marries, she does not sin." More literally rendered, Paul does not say "are you free," he says, "are you freed," meaning, someone who has been freed from a marriage, namely, someone who was married and divorced. Paul prefers they remain single because of the suffering of this age, but if they marry, according to verse 28, they do not sin.

In sum, Paul adds one more possible reason for a valid divorce: the desertion of a marriage by an unbelieving partner. In such a case, while the Christian spouse should not be eager to divorce, still, if he or she is a victim of divorce, he or she may remarry.

"The husband of one wife"
Finally, Paul makes some remarks about the nature of marriage in his pastoral letters that reflect on the issue of divorce and remarriage. In both 1 Timothy 3:2 and in Titus 1:6, Paul stipulates that bishops (1 Timothy) and elders (Titus) should be "married only once" or "the husband of one wife." These verses have led many Christian organizations to disqualify potential leaders who have ever been divorced. But I doubt that this is even near what Paul is thinking.

First, he may be referring to polygamy. While having multiple wives was against Roman law, still, it was legal in Palestinian Judaism even though monogamy was the norm. Jewish oral tradition, in fact, justifies having 18 wives. Thus, Paul may be saying that these Christian leaders must have "just one wife."

Second, evidence from Greco-Roman society indicates that some men did have concubines even though they were illegal in both Greek and Roman society. Paul may be making it absolutely clear: Christian men must be pure and moral in their marital relations. He is looking for leaders with stable family lives.

The New Testament, therefore, tells us that marriage is to be seen as a divinely instituted relationship between a man and a woman. It should be monogamous and permanent. However, there are two exceptions where divorce is valid: when a spouse is unfaithful and when an unbelieving spouse deserts the marriage. In each case, the marriage is dissolved and the innocent partner is free to remarry.

Divorce is the tragic result of what be comes of humanity as it wrestles with sin and brokenness. Whenever a marriage fails, we should mourn it as tragic. But there should be no error so grave that it cannot be forgiven; no mistake beyond the reach of grace.

Likewise, our God is a God of renewal and restoration. In some cases, this means restoring a marriage to its original partnership. In other cases—and I can think of many—it means that remarriage is an opportunity for renewal and new hope. This is why churches and Christian institutions are mistaken when they indiscriminately deny the possibility of leadership positions or remarriage after men and women have divorced. Such a position denies not only the spirit of Jesus' ministry but also misunderstands the grace of God in a broken world.

Story of John Osteen

"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness" (1 John 1:9).

JOHN OSTEEN, founder of Lakewood Church and father of pastor Joel Osteen (www.joelosteen.com), was a divorced pastor. Here's how his son Joel told about the story of what happened to his father in his bestseller book, "Your Best Life Now:"

"We all make mistakes, but God does not disqualify us simply because we have failed. He's the God of another chance. You may have missed plan A for your life, but God has a plan B, a plan C, a plan D, and a plan E. God will always find a way to get you to your final destination if you will trust Him.

The Old Testament records how King David ordered a man murdered so he could marry his wife. But when David repented, God forgave him and still used him in a greater way.

A man named Saul hated Christians; he chased them down, persecuted them, and had them thrown in jail. Yet God forgave him, changed his name to Paul, and he ended up writing more than half of the New Testament.

Rahab was a prostitute, yet God used her to deliver the children of Israel. Nobody is too far gone, no matter what he's done. You need to know that God still loves you. He has a great plan for your life; He has not run out of mercy. If you have asked His forgiveness, God has already forgiven you. The question is: Will you forgive yourself? Will you quit living in guilt and condemnation? Will you let the past be the past and live today in an attitude of faith and victory?

That is what my father had to do. Daddy went through a tragedy early in life. He married quite young, and unfortunately that wasn't one of his better choices. Sadly, the marriage didn't work out, and he went through a divorce. Daddy was heartbroken. His dreams were shattered and he didn't think he would ever preach again. It was one of the darkest hours of Daddy's life. He was tempted to hold on to the hurt and pain, continually blaming himself. He could easily have allowed his disappointment and disillusionment to keep him from moving forward and fulfiling his God-given destiny.

But Daddy had to quit mourning over what he had lost; he had to learn how to receive God's mercy, and to start believing God for something better.

Maybe you've made some serious mistakes; you've done some things that were not the best for your life, and now you're living in guilt, condemnation, or with a sense of disqualification. You will remain trapped in those doldrums unless you learn how to receive God's mercy and forgiveness, and move on with your life.

That is what my father did. Daddy made a decision to receive God's mercy for his mistakes and failures. And little by little God began to restore Daddy's life and ministry. Daddy began to minister again, but he never dreamed he'd get married again and have another family.

Then one day he met a nurse working at one of the hospitals where he visited some of his church members when they were sick. For my Dad, it was love at first sight. He started looking for any reason he could find to stop by that hospital. I mean, he would visit your great-aunt's third cousin's next-door neighbor if you asked him! He was there so much, my mother told one of her friends, 'That minister has the sickest congregation I've ever seen!' She didn't realize at the time that Daddy was there to see her. To make a long story short, they fell in love and got married. God gave Daddy beauty for his ashes, and Daddy went on to touch the world.

He pastored Lakewood Church in Houston for more than 40 years, and today all five of my parents' children are working in the ministry. God took what the enemy meant for evil, and He turned it around and used it for good. But I don't believe that would have happened if Daddy had stayed trapped in the past, focused on his sadness and disappointments. I don't believe it ever would have happened if Daddy had not learned how to receive God's mercy."

Inner Demons: Elizabeth's Letter

(This insighful letter was written by one of the American members of Beyond Affairs Network)

Nancy:

I agree with you, I too don't think Patti's letter focuses on what
is really destroying marriages today.

Trust me it is NOT pornography, open marriages, the gay or lesbian
couple next door or whatever else we choose to do in our homes or
bedrooms.

As you stated, I know an open marriage would not work for me. As
you, I too have a dear friend that chooses the concept of open
marriage. It seems to works well for her and her husband, they have
been married for almost 30 years, raised three beautiful children
and enjoy four grandchildren. KUDOS to them.

I watched the Oprah show that Patti references in her original post
and I watched the couple Oprah interviewed on open marriages. Again
it is not for me, but if it works for them, then what right do we
have to tell them no or lay shame at their feet for living their
life as they see fit.

I know in my own household, when I discovered that my husband had
been carrying on with the OT for six years off and on, it was the
deception and lies of our vows that shattered my soul. It was
listening to him explain his feelings of emptiness, being alone, and
feeling not wanted. At the same points in our lives I could go back
and re-read in my journal or look at pictures and realize that at
those times we were on vacation together, or sharing a romantic
evening at home. That is when I knew there was more to this affair
thing. My husband is VERY romantic, not a day goes by that he does
not tell me how beautiful I am, how sexy I look, how much he loves
me. He has always bought me gifts, cards and flowers, and our sex
life is certainly an 11 on a scale of 1 to 10. So why, why, why???
That is when I knew it was deeper, very much deeper. It is not
about sex and I know pornography didn't make him do it.

My husband's affair had NOTHING to do with sex. The act of sex makes
us as human beings "feel good", for that time when we are engaged in
the sexual act our minds and bodies are taken to another place
within our being. Within is affair, the actual act of sex could
have been good or terrible, however, it served only as a
temporary "fix" for the actual problem.

Pornography had nothing to do with my husband having an affair. The
reasons why my husband had an affair is seeded deep inside of him
and his subconscience. It stems from childhood and how he was made
to feel less than, unimportant, unaccepted and unvalued. It was how
his self image has been molded. Since childhood he has had to tuck
away emotion and certain situations. Now they lie painfully tucked
away in his soul. Yet they affect every part of his being.

The breakdown of the American family has nothing to do with
pornography or open marriages or even affairs. There are so many
other reason that the american famly is in trouble. I can't speak
for all, but I know that mine is not dissolving, it is becoming
stronger. And we still act like freaks when the door is closed and
locked and sometimes the lights left on.

I am reading a new book that I have been trying to get ahold of for
months now. Sexual Detours by Dr. Holly Hein. I can't put it down,
it explains so much. Why we choose a sexual detour as our excape
route.

Anne's book is right on too, saying that my husband's affair is the
best thing that happened to me, it is for me. Because it opened my
eyes to so many factors inside of our marriage that need to be
worked on. It made me a stronger person to deal with tragedy in
life. That is not to say if I found out tomorrow that he was having
another affair it would not hurt, but it would enable me to know
that I am not at fault, and I can acquire happiness without this
pain.

I fear that my husband will reoffend, and it is not because we lite
the candles, broke out the massage oil, toys and movies last night.
It is not because I feel he doesn't love me or want me, quite the
opposite is true, but rather it is because of the demons and unrest
that is within his conscience. The demons and unrest are what makes
him think that alcohol, drugs and sex can make the demons go away.
It doesn't make it go away, it places a bandaid on something; a
temporary feel good anticeptic. Tomorrow when you rip that bandaid
off the pain is still there, and it usually hurts worse. Then there
is another demon tucked in the closet, and another reason to try to
run away.

We have a good marriage, our foundation is good. We are spiritual
and religious people, we read the Bible, we pray together. My
husband has a steady and very good job. I want for nothing and if I
mention something he usually delivers, he spoils me rotten.
Although I wish he knew how to pick up socks, clean gutters and mow
the yard, he is a pretty good guy.

My husband chose a sexual detour because he is unable to deal with
the demons that haunt his from the inside out. We will continue to
work on that as well as our lives together.

With all respect,

Elizabeth