I am very compelled to give this advice because I know where I messed up the first time and don't want to see anyone make the same mistakes I did.
Here's some big lessons I've learned from my own life experiences, and from others that I have followed on this board:
1. A marriage will NEVER be successfully rebuilt if the betrayer does not determine why they cheated. The road that led them to cheating must be recognized and dealt with so it will never happen again. Any cheater that blames the spouse for his/her actions is only in DENIAL. Never ever believe any of this was your fault. No matter how bad of a spouse your spouse tries to make you believe you are, it's your spouses actions that your spouse is responsible for, NOT YOU!
2. A marriage will NEVER be succesfully rebuilt if the betrayer is not sincerely remorseful for his actions. How do you believe in that sincerity when you don't even trust them anymore? All I can say to that is ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. And again, GO WITH YOUR GUT!
3. A marriage will NEVER be successfully rebuilt until a fence-sitter is knocked off that fence. And, the ONLY way to knock them off is to 100% completely IGNORE them. NO CONTACT until he/she comes crawling back and PROVES to you that they have ended the A.
4. This 4th one is hard for me to type, because I've never been one to promote counseling. This is another mistake I made. I refused to go. I thought this board was enough for me and H was willing to go, but didn't really want to either. I now believe that if any marriage is in trouble that it can't be fixed without help. Whether it be a T, a pastor, a neutral family friend, I think it's an individual decision that must be made by the parties involved. Only YOU know what is best for YOU. But some type of counseling IMO is mandatory.
5. Never ASSUME! I think the old saying has been quoted here for ages! But it is so true. Trust your gut and know that just because the betrayer thinks it will never happen again doesn't make it so. My H was certain that after only attending 2 AA meetings, and after seeing the devastation that his A caused our family, that he would never drink or cheat again. I believed him. Love can be blind. ALWAYS LISTEN TO YOUR HEAD BEFORE YOUR HEART. It can be very very hard to do that, but it is very important.
6. DON'T TAKE HIM/HER BACK JUST FOR THE KIDS! OMG this is the worst mistake you can make. My H is the product of parents who where both alcoholics, whose Mother hid his Father's paychecks so he wouldn't spend all their money at the bar. She stayed for the 5 kids that she felt she couldn't support. She and her H only taught my H how to drink his problems away. If H's Dad had been a cheater, she only would have taught them that cheating was acceptable in a marriage. I never ever want my kids to think that, or to have to live through what I have lived through.
7. I should have kicked him out the first time he cheated. I let him stay and started our rebuilding after only a week. That was a huge mistake on my part. He needed to see what this was all going to cost him. This time he was gone a month. He slept in his truck. I even left town one weekend and allowed him to stay here. He had to sleep in our bed without me. He tells me now that was the worst month of his life and that night alone in our bed, I know, was the worst night. They really need to see what this is going to cost them.
This is all I can think of right now. I thank anyone who got through this long list of mine for having the patience to read it all. It is very important to me that NO ONE repeats my mistakes. And please, remember, no matter what decision you make, this board will support you. I know they did me.......I love you all for that........huge hugs.......found
Friday, February 22, 2008
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Stanley Recounts Lessons God Taught During Marital Crisis
By Lee Weeks
Apr 2, 1998
WAKE FOREST, N.C. (BP)--Describing the last five years of his life as the most "painful" as well as "productive," Charles Stanley said prayer and meditation upon God's Word have been his salvation through the storm.
"There's not a pill in a bottle that will do for you when it comes to contentment, and relieving pressure, and bringing you a sense of quietness of spirit like stretching out before God in his Word, reading a passage, talking to him, being quiet and saying, 'Lord speak to my heart,'" Stanley told an overflow crowd March 31 at Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary.
During an emotionally charged hour-long sermon, Stanley, pastor of First Baptist Church, Atlanta, for nearly 30 years, said his reliance on God's sovereignty has helped him persevere through marital problems and church schisms that have rocked his personal life and world-reaching ministry.
Two years ago, Stanley found himself in a mounting controversy from a divorce suit filed nearly three years earlier by his wife, Anna. Some church members, including his son, Andy, who served on staff at the church, thought Stanley should step down as senior pastor of the church until Stanley had reconciled his marriage. Andy resigned from his staff position in August 1995 in disagreement over his father continuing to serve as senior pastor during the ordeal.
Stanley, a former Southern Baptist Convention president whose sermons are televised throughout the world through his broadcast ministry called In Touch Ministries, vowed to step down only if the divorce became final. Anna dropped her divorce suit in March 1996 announcing that the couple were reconciling their differences.
"The most difficult painful years of my life have been the past five, but they have been the most profitable, the most productive in every single way," Stanley said. "I thought what would have appeared to have caused people to walk away from me, drew them by the hoards."
After 40 years in the ministry, Stanley's appeal seemed as strong as ever during his visit to Southeastern. Church vans and carloads of people began arriving on the Wake Forest, N.C., campus about an hour-and-a-half before the 10 a.m. service in the 1,400-seat Binkley Chapel. An overflow crowd assembled in two classrooms to watch the service on closed-circuit television. Students arriving minutes before the scheduled service were turned away because of lack of space. Stanley was again in great demand later in the afternoon when he hosted a book signing at the Baptist Book Store on campus.
"God broke me in areas of my own life that he knew I needed to be broken and crushed, because I wept for eight months every single day," Stanley said in his chapel address. "What was God doing? Just getting me fit for some people to be able to listen to me who could not hear me before then."
Stanley, 65, said another lesson he learned through his ordeals is to "let God fight your battles."
"You fight your battles on your knees in your closet, and God will give you his victory in public," he said.
Stanley testified of the peace he had in August 1995 when he attended a three-hour business meeting with 5,300 church members who were considering firing him. "I just sat there with the most perfect peace and quietness in my heart because, you see, I had already fought that battle. They were fighting it in public. I had fought it back in the prayer room. The battle was over as far as I was concerned."
A vote showed 85 percent of the members supported Stanley remaining as pastor while he and Anna worked on their marital problems. The next month, Stanley retreated to the North Carolina mountains to further prayerfully seek God's will. When he returned home, he told church members God wanted him to continue his ministry at First Baptist.
Stanley said his personal trials have made him more credible in the eyes of other hurting people. "People get drawn to someone in whom they know God is working," he said.
"They cannot handle somebody who has it all together. None of us have it all together. ... You and I live in a world of needy people, and when you and I start meeting people's needs where they're living, they're coming to hear what you have to say."
The author of nearly 20 books, several of which address how to deal with painful emotions, Stanley said learning to wait upon God is "one of the most valuable principles" a minister can practice.
"It's in the pain and hurt and suffering that God builds character," Stanley said. "God doesn't build character on ease, comfort and pleasure. God builds character on pain, suffering, heartache, misunderstandings, tribulations and trials."
To be used by God, Stanley said, one must bleed. "When you suffer, God does something in your life to make you acceptable in the eyes of people as to what you are saying because they know it's been tried and tested in your life."
Stanley said he found rest in the sovereignty of God while it seemed at times his ministry was unraveling around him. "If I can accept the sovereignty of God, I can face any situation, any circumstance, no matter what, no matter how painful, and walk through it absolutely victorious because I know only that which God allows can happen," he said.
Citing the Apostle Paul's admonition in 2 Corinthians 3 to operate out of one's inadequacy, Stanley said he learned anew how to depend on God for everything. "If we learn to operate out of weakness, we don't have to defend our image," he said. "We don't have to try to impress anybody. We don't have to do any of that. All we have to do is do what God tells us to do."
Intimacy with God, Stanley said, is the greatest safeguard against spiritual warfare. "It is the place where the power of God will surge in your life and through your life as no other way. It is the place where you bring your heartaches, your burdens, your problems, your difficulties, your misunderstandings, your anger, all the things that happen in a person's life."
Stanley said he is looking forward to many more years of fruitful ministry. "Most men are retiring at my age," he said. "I have never been more excited in my whole life about the ministry than I am today."
© Copyright 2008 Baptist Press
Original copy of this story can be found at http://www.bpnews.net/bpnews.asp?ID=1985
Apr 2, 1998
WAKE FOREST, N.C. (BP)--Describing the last five years of his life as the most "painful" as well as "productive," Charles Stanley said prayer and meditation upon God's Word have been his salvation through the storm.
"There's not a pill in a bottle that will do for you when it comes to contentment, and relieving pressure, and bringing you a sense of quietness of spirit like stretching out before God in his Word, reading a passage, talking to him, being quiet and saying, 'Lord speak to my heart,'" Stanley told an overflow crowd March 31 at Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary.
During an emotionally charged hour-long sermon, Stanley, pastor of First Baptist Church, Atlanta, for nearly 30 years, said his reliance on God's sovereignty has helped him persevere through marital problems and church schisms that have rocked his personal life and world-reaching ministry.
Two years ago, Stanley found himself in a mounting controversy from a divorce suit filed nearly three years earlier by his wife, Anna. Some church members, including his son, Andy, who served on staff at the church, thought Stanley should step down as senior pastor of the church until Stanley had reconciled his marriage. Andy resigned from his staff position in August 1995 in disagreement over his father continuing to serve as senior pastor during the ordeal.
Stanley, a former Southern Baptist Convention president whose sermons are televised throughout the world through his broadcast ministry called In Touch Ministries, vowed to step down only if the divorce became final. Anna dropped her divorce suit in March 1996 announcing that the couple were reconciling their differences.
"The most difficult painful years of my life have been the past five, but they have been the most profitable, the most productive in every single way," Stanley said. "I thought what would have appeared to have caused people to walk away from me, drew them by the hoards."
After 40 years in the ministry, Stanley's appeal seemed as strong as ever during his visit to Southeastern. Church vans and carloads of people began arriving on the Wake Forest, N.C., campus about an hour-and-a-half before the 10 a.m. service in the 1,400-seat Binkley Chapel. An overflow crowd assembled in two classrooms to watch the service on closed-circuit television. Students arriving minutes before the scheduled service were turned away because of lack of space. Stanley was again in great demand later in the afternoon when he hosted a book signing at the Baptist Book Store on campus.
"God broke me in areas of my own life that he knew I needed to be broken and crushed, because I wept for eight months every single day," Stanley said in his chapel address. "What was God doing? Just getting me fit for some people to be able to listen to me who could not hear me before then."
Stanley, 65, said another lesson he learned through his ordeals is to "let God fight your battles."
"You fight your battles on your knees in your closet, and God will give you his victory in public," he said.
Stanley testified of the peace he had in August 1995 when he attended a three-hour business meeting with 5,300 church members who were considering firing him. "I just sat there with the most perfect peace and quietness in my heart because, you see, I had already fought that battle. They were fighting it in public. I had fought it back in the prayer room. The battle was over as far as I was concerned."
A vote showed 85 percent of the members supported Stanley remaining as pastor while he and Anna worked on their marital problems. The next month, Stanley retreated to the North Carolina mountains to further prayerfully seek God's will. When he returned home, he told church members God wanted him to continue his ministry at First Baptist.
Stanley said his personal trials have made him more credible in the eyes of other hurting people. "People get drawn to someone in whom they know God is working," he said.
"They cannot handle somebody who has it all together. None of us have it all together. ... You and I live in a world of needy people, and when you and I start meeting people's needs where they're living, they're coming to hear what you have to say."
The author of nearly 20 books, several of which address how to deal with painful emotions, Stanley said learning to wait upon God is "one of the most valuable principles" a minister can practice.
"It's in the pain and hurt and suffering that God builds character," Stanley said. "God doesn't build character on ease, comfort and pleasure. God builds character on pain, suffering, heartache, misunderstandings, tribulations and trials."
To be used by God, Stanley said, one must bleed. "When you suffer, God does something in your life to make you acceptable in the eyes of people as to what you are saying because they know it's been tried and tested in your life."
Stanley said he found rest in the sovereignty of God while it seemed at times his ministry was unraveling around him. "If I can accept the sovereignty of God, I can face any situation, any circumstance, no matter what, no matter how painful, and walk through it absolutely victorious because I know only that which God allows can happen," he said.
Citing the Apostle Paul's admonition in 2 Corinthians 3 to operate out of one's inadequacy, Stanley said he learned anew how to depend on God for everything. "If we learn to operate out of weakness, we don't have to defend our image," he said. "We don't have to try to impress anybody. We don't have to do any of that. All we have to do is do what God tells us to do."
Intimacy with God, Stanley said, is the greatest safeguard against spiritual warfare. "It is the place where the power of God will surge in your life and through your life as no other way. It is the place where you bring your heartaches, your burdens, your problems, your difficulties, your misunderstandings, your anger, all the things that happen in a person's life."
Stanley said he is looking forward to many more years of fruitful ministry. "Most men are retiring at my age," he said. "I have never been more excited in my whole life about the ministry than I am today."
© Copyright 2008 Baptist Press
Original copy of this story can be found at http://www.bpnews.net/bpnews.asp?ID=1985
Internet Infidelity
I have seen so many threads lately on this topic in particular. This past semester in school, I did a research paper on this very topic - Infidelity and the Internet. It is my belief that there is a lot of valuable information in what I put together, so ... I am posting it here for anyone who is interested in reading. I hope it will help those that need it most.
If anyone is interested in the bibliography that supports my research, I will happily provide it to you.
INFIDELITY AND THE INTERNET - AN EXAMINATION
Introduction
In modern American society today, the world has gotten much smaller, thanks to the advances of technology - specifically, the Internet. The access to information is one of the most obvious benefits that the Internet has to offer; in addition, there is an equal increase in access to other people. While this has opened a whole new chapter for those seeking means to find dating partners, the Internet has also become a breeding ground for adulterous relationships. A new term has been coined to describe this phenomenon - "Internet affairs". The operational definition of an Internet affair is any intimate or sexually explicit communication between a married person and someone other than their spouse that takes place via the Internet.
In a society such as ours where social indicators tell us that 50% of marriages end in divorce, there is obvious concern that this new trend in extramarital connections will have a negative contribution of consequences to this already staggering dilemma. What is in need of examination, is the impact that this new avenue of communication and connection between people - the Internet - has had a detrimental impact upon the institution of marriage in America today. Has the Internet - specifically, the incidence of affairs that occur on-line - led to an increase in marital dissolution?
It is hard to imagine a husband who would never set foot into an adult bookstore would spend time downloading online pornography; it is hard to imagine a wife who would never pick up the telephone to dial a 900-number engaging in erotic chat or phone sex with men she had met online. From a humanitarian perspective, it is disturbingly difficult to understand how stable marriages of 20 years or more are ending due to a two or three-month Internet affair. Shock and disgust aside, these are the very things we are witnessing in our society today.
"Internet Affair" - A New Social Phenomenon
The use of the Internet is a relatively new phenomenon in our society’s history, and as such, is difficult to compare with any other social phenomenon. In order to understand the increased incidence of Internet infidelity, researches have examined three key components that comprise the chemistry of an Internet affair - anonymity, convenience, and escape. When these three are combined together, they serve as the proper mix to lead to such virtual adultery.
The anonymity of Internet communication allows users to secretly engage in erotic discussions without the overriding fear of being caught by a spouse, contrasted with that implied risk were these communications conducted in a more real-life format.
Anonymity provides the user with a greater sense of perceived control over the content, tone, and nature of the Internet experience. Anonymous Internet communications such as these often occur in the privacy of one’s home, their office, even their bedroom; the common perception of anonymity by the average user is that this sort of communication on the Internet is both private as well as untraceable.
Internet affairs are initiated in this manner and typically begin in chat room setting allowing users to talk in real-time by typing messages to each other through "screen names" or "handles." Messages can either appear in the public forum for the entire room to read or an "instant message" can be sent privately to a single member of the room.
The anonymity associated with electronic communication allows users to feel more open and frank in talking with other users.
Experts say that 70% of communication in real life occurs through non-verbal messages; however, the anonymity of the Internet allows the user to feel comfortable without needing to look for these cues, these signs of insincerity or judgment in their facial expression, as would be existent in real life; as such, the common perception is that they are less "socially risky" than their real-world counterparts. People on the Internet are able to portray themselves in whatever manner they see fit - often, glorifying or glamorizing things about themselves that are not necessarily true in real life.
The perceived privacy of the Internet enables a person to share intimate feelings that are otherwise only shared with a significant other; the time it takes for those messages passing back and forth from screen to screen to carry emotional significance is far more expeditious than would be in real life.
For people who are wishing to seek emotional gratification, this manner can be arguably seen as far more efficient than any means to attempt the same in real life. In this day and age where seldom to adults have time to accomplish all of the things they would like to do in a given day, the obvious appeal of this efficient means to accomplish a given end are not difficult to understand.
What starts off as a simple email exchange or an innocent chat room encounter can quickly escalate into an intense and passionate Internet affair, often leading to secret phone calls and orchestrated real life encounters. The more communication that occurs, it has been shown, the more likely there is for an actual real life encounter. However, there are just as many participants who simply go from one cyber relationship to another, and never have any real life encounters with any of them. This behavior is seen as an "escape" from everyday life and its inherent burdens.
Internet - A Society Unto Itself
In order to better comprehend the enormity of this phenomenon taking place, it is important to recognize that the Internet today represents a society unto itself. And societies, in order to function productively, must employ sets of rules for interaction of members of that society. In real life in America, men and women operate each and every day in line with copious rules, most of which do not even need to be considered consciously as they are adhered to by society’s members automatically and without thinking.
These codes of behavior represent the socially constructed reality by which we as members of a society live by. Within a society, the members - or, actors - operate together over time to develop their culture. Based upon that reasoning, the Internet poses a whole new definition of a functional, interactive society, in the sense that it is comprised of actors who interact with one another, and indeed have formed a sort-of "culture"; however, that culture is not subject to the same rules as is the culture we adhere to in everyday, "real" life in the physical realm. There is, in fact, surprisingly little transference of those same rules we consider commonplace that guide our everyday behaviors to the rules (or lack thereof) that govern behavior that is acceptable to engage in on the Internet.
If people define their situations as real, their consequences will be recognized as real as well; in line with that thinking, it can be argued that the perception of Internet adulterers is that their situation is truly not real, and therefore, not subject to the same codes that must be adhered to in the real realm.
Evidence of the degree to which this phenomenon has expanded - that of a cyber-society absent the same rules as physical society - is the preponderance of websites that are designed specifically for this purpose - to encourage Internet infidelity. A curious husband or wife may at any given time on the Internet secretly peek into one of these such rooms, with titles such as the MarriedM4Affair, Cheating Wife, or Lonely Husband; the numbers of participants in these websites and the perceived permissiveness of their engagement in Internet infidelity behaviors is nothing less than unsettling.
Those people who are shown to participate in these forums on the Internet would be otherwise deemed "normal", non-deviant members of society. The decisions made by the participants that in turn result in this behavior are based upon the individual’s definition of the social situation; it is then theorized that the perception held by those individuals is that their definition of that social situation - behaving in that manner on the Internet - is neither consequential nor deviant, based upon the fact that it is perceived to lack any consequence that would dictate otherwise. Actions result from decisions made by us through the manipulation of the situation in our minds, and acting upon that manipulation by the choices that we make.
Real Life Versus Internet
Adultery itself is becoming more common in our society, according to statistics, and researchers are finding that women are just as likely as men to have an affair. A 2003 study found that 29 percent of married people under 25 had had an extramarital affair, with no statistical difference between the number of men and women who chose to be unfaithful to their spouses early in life.
By comparison, only 9 percent of spouses in the 1950s under the age of 25 had been involved in extramarital affairs. Another study concluded that by age 40, approximately 60 to 65 percent of husbands and 45 to 55 percent of wives become involved in an extramarital affair.
Real-life affairs are typically more than a one-time event. A 2004 study surveyed 200 men and women and found that their affairs lasted an average of two years. These affairs - just like traditional relationships - were seen to go through transitions over time. They may begin as romantic, sexual, or emotional relationships and may become intimate friendships. There is evidence that those affairs that later turn into friendships may indeed last for an entire lifetime, providing no discovery was made of the initial nature of the relationship by the married partner.
Internet affairs differ from these other real life affairs, however, in that they may not involve a physical component; however, often the emotional attachment is still there. Internet affairs develop because of the dual attraction of attention and anonymity, and surprisingly enough, it is the anonymity that often encourages the emotional investment, as it is seen as an investment without the risks that are felt to exist in real life romantic scenarios. It is the anonymity that in turn feeds the addictive nature of these sorts of affairs based upon the unknown of the affair partner.
They can be as beautiful and intelligent as the Internet participant’s dreams can imagine; the fantasy is fueled simply by the lack of information.
Internet affairs are predominantly fantasy-based; on many occasions, when the choice is made to meet in real life, that is when the true danger begins. These kinds of affairs can be very seductive; an Internet addict calls out to a spouse "one more minute" just as an alcoholic justifies "one more drink". Social and emotional needs are met, flirting is allowed and even encouraged, and an illusion of intimacy feeds the addiction that has caught so many unsuspecting Internet advocates off their guard.
Internet affairs typically develop because the cyber relationship meets various social and psychological needs; self-esteem needs often appearing at the top of that list. Self-esteem needs are met through knowing, understanding, and acceptance. Psychologists say that those needs are enhanced through talking intimately about feelings, thoughts, and needs. Even though online affairs may not involve a physical component, the emotional attachment can be just as strong and even overwhelming. And when they end, this strong attachment often can leave the participant in emotional pain.
Perceptions
One question often debated is whether an Internet affair is as harmful as a "real world affair" in which the partners physically meet. There seems to be a belief held by many that affairs that occur on the Internet in this manner -entirely anonymous and absent any real life contact - are not as consequential or serious as those that occur in the physical realm; some even believe their existence is entirely harmless.
There was a qualitative study conducted in 2000 of 94 people who had a partner engaged in an Internet affair. These are the reported results of that study:
in almost 40% of cases, Internet affairs led to real life intimate encounters
30% of online affairs began after the partner had a history of compulsive sexual behaviors
after learning of an Internet affair, spouses reported feeling angry, hurt, and betrayed, as well as feeling they had to "measure up" or compare favorably with affair partners, just like people who discover a partner having a real world affair
over 20% of the couples split up or divorced after the online affair was discovered
almost 70% of the couples with an online affair had experienced a significant decrease in relationship sex during the course of the online affair
Another similar survey conducted among married men and women asked the questions of whether Internet affairs carry the same weight of evil as a real life affair; over 60% of the men and women surveyed agreed that the Internet affair, without a physical encounter, was just as destructive as one that occurred in real life. When asked if they would leave their partner and dissolve the marriage upon such a discovery, 66% of the men and 802 percent of the women surveyed said that yes, they would leave and divorce their married partner.
Why Participate?
Is this a matter of free choice? According to Mead, "freedom is the control of the [social] actor over his or her own action". However, action that does not result from direct thought or perhaps even conscious decision - impulsive, if you will - Mead would argue is not a result of that decision-making freedom.
These sorts of acts may often even surprise the actor that is committing them in the first place, when confronted with the reality of the behavior they have chosen.
There is justification often given when confronted with such decision-making, however; the justification of perceived boredom in the marriage, or of somehow not garnering adequate rewards through the marital process.
A University of Florida researcher, Beatriz Mileham, studied Internet infidelity as part of her doctoral dissertation, interviewing 76 men and 10 women who used popular chat rooms for the "Married But Looking" crowd. Most of the participants insisted they loved their spouses, but were still compelled to seek a romantic encounter via the Internet due to boredom or their partner's perceived lack of interest in sex.
It could be said that society is largely to blame for this problem, as we are taught from a very young age to have grandiose and largely unrealistic expectations of marriage. We watch romantic pictorials in television and media, and are socialized from a very young age to believe that marriage should be effortless and unexceptionally fulfilling to us as individuals. When "real life" sets in, and what is found is contrary to those ideals we’ve been brainwashed into striving for, what is experienced is an overwhelming sense of letdown.
Life, as it were, let us down, as our expectations were not met as we had believed they would be. Couple that with the messages in our society about what will make each of us truly happy as individuals, and the self-serving music behind the words of capitalism, and the stage is undoubtedly set for people to relish an avenue to pursue those ego-gratifying needs. However, the reality of consequence still exists in the physical realm; so, in line with the growing efficiency needs of our culture and society as a whole, the Internet is introduced, and has indeed provided an avenue for this sort of gratification without any perceived risk of physical-realm, real-life consequences.
Many people falsely assume that the primary reinforcement to engage in adultery is the sexual gratification received from the erotic and sexual behavior engaged in on the Internet. Studies have shown the experience itself is reinforced through a type of addictive "high", providing an emotional or mental escape and serving to reinforce the behavior, in turn leading to further compulsivity.
A lonely wife in an empty marriage can escape into a chat room where she is desired by an Internet affair partner. A sexually insecure husband can transform into a hot lover on the Internet that all the women in a given chat room may actually fight over. While sexual fulfillment may provide the initial reinforcement, the more potent reinforcement is the ability to cultivate a subjective fantasy world whereby the Internet identity can escape the stresses and strains that they face in real life.
The courts, however, have argued that the role of online compulsivity as a mental disorder in the defense of online sexual deviancy cases. For example, one landmark case, the United States versus McBroom, successfully demonstrated that the client’s downloading, viewing, and transferring of Internet pornography was less about erotic gratification and more about an emotional escape mechanism to relieve mental tension.
Gender Bias?
Are women any more at risk, or vice versa? Research indicates that the percentage of women who have extramarital affairs has increased the last few decades. In 1953, Alfred Kinsey found that 29 percent of married women admitted to at least one affair. However, this does not indicate that women are more prone than men to have an affair; this merely indicates that women are more prone today than they were in the past to engage in such behavior. Men still carry the leading statistic on infidelity in marriages; the reason that there has been so much more recent investigation into the rates among women is because our society has practiced an attitude of greater acceptance toward this same behavior in the male population through history.
Today, more women are employed outside the home than ever before; and, as may be expected, women who are employed are more likely to have an affair than full-time homemakers. One study found that 47 percent of wives who were employed full-time and 27 percent of full-time homemakers had been involved in an affair before they were 40 years old.
Men and women have affairs for different reasons. Research has shown that women seek affairs in order to be loved, have a friend, and feel needed. Men seek affairs for sexual fulfillment, friendship, and fun. Women report feeling thrilled by their lover’s interest in them physically, emotionally, and intellectually. They are also excited about the chance to know a different man; they experience intimacy with their cyber-lovers because they can talk about their feelings openly. The anonymity often serves as a defense mechanism, rendering the participant immune to any fear of rejection as is typical in real life relationships. When these affairs end, many women feel a great deal of guilt with regard to their husband and children.
Men report feeling excited about the sexual experience of the affair. They try to control their feelings in the affair, and their emotions may not compete at all with their feelings for their wife. Men also feel guilt and regret over deceit when an affair ends, but less so than most women.
Consequences
The obviously most significant social consequence of any incidence of infidelity is divorce. Today's divorce rate is higher than 50 percent - and it seems to be increasing. While an affair that is discovered does not have to necessarily lead to divorce, that is often the reported result. Approximately one- third of couples remain together after the discovery of an adulterous affair, while the other two-thirds end the marriage in divorce. Divorce lawyers and marriage counselors claim that Internet infidelity is indeed now one of the leading factors in marital breakdowns.
According to the President of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, Internet infidelity has accounted for a growing trend in divorce cases. However, the nature and scope of marital dissolution caused specifically by Internet infidelity has been greatly underestimated due to the Internet’s current popularity as a technological advancement. Furthermore, healthcare professionals, especially marital and family therapist who are most like to deal with such couples, are often unfamiliar with the dynamics associated with relatively new concept of Internet affairs and the electronic process of virtual-based "cheating".
A lesser-known fact is that those who divorce very rarely marry the person with whom they are having the affair. A survey of 4,100 people showed that only 3% who divorced their spouse later married their affair partners. Even further, the divorce rate among those who married their affair partners was over 75 percent; reasons for that high divorce rate include intervention of reality, guilt, expectations, and a general foundation of distrust in the marriage - not necessarily the incidence of another affair.
The lowest rate of divorce in married couples, logically enough, are those couples who report no incidence of affairs - either over the Internet or in real life.
Conclusion
Peggy Vaughn, the author of The Monogamy Myth, serves as an expert on problems caused by infidelity. She predicts that one role of the Internet in the future will be as an increasing avenue and source of affairs. She is writing a second book on the subject of adultery and says she could base half of it just on the letters she receives from people who started an affair online.
With the growing number of citizens who access the Internet every day, this is a social trend that can be expected to continue. Based upon the far-reaching expanse of the Internet, no one can claim they are immune to its charms. The appeal of Internet affairs in our society today should serve as a signal that we may need to re-think certain aspects of our lives in order to better and determine what is rooted in reality and what is not, as well as the consequences of crossing that boundary for ourselves. If we as a society do not find a way to do this, the successful future of the institution of marriage as whole remains tenuous.
Erzulie
If anyone is interested in the bibliography that supports my research, I will happily provide it to you.
INFIDELITY AND THE INTERNET - AN EXAMINATION
Introduction
In modern American society today, the world has gotten much smaller, thanks to the advances of technology - specifically, the Internet. The access to information is one of the most obvious benefits that the Internet has to offer; in addition, there is an equal increase in access to other people. While this has opened a whole new chapter for those seeking means to find dating partners, the Internet has also become a breeding ground for adulterous relationships. A new term has been coined to describe this phenomenon - "Internet affairs". The operational definition of an Internet affair is any intimate or sexually explicit communication between a married person and someone other than their spouse that takes place via the Internet.
In a society such as ours where social indicators tell us that 50% of marriages end in divorce, there is obvious concern that this new trend in extramarital connections will have a negative contribution of consequences to this already staggering dilemma. What is in need of examination, is the impact that this new avenue of communication and connection between people - the Internet - has had a detrimental impact upon the institution of marriage in America today. Has the Internet - specifically, the incidence of affairs that occur on-line - led to an increase in marital dissolution?
It is hard to imagine a husband who would never set foot into an adult bookstore would spend time downloading online pornography; it is hard to imagine a wife who would never pick up the telephone to dial a 900-number engaging in erotic chat or phone sex with men she had met online. From a humanitarian perspective, it is disturbingly difficult to understand how stable marriages of 20 years or more are ending due to a two or three-month Internet affair. Shock and disgust aside, these are the very things we are witnessing in our society today.
"Internet Affair" - A New Social Phenomenon
The use of the Internet is a relatively new phenomenon in our society’s history, and as such, is difficult to compare with any other social phenomenon. In order to understand the increased incidence of Internet infidelity, researches have examined three key components that comprise the chemistry of an Internet affair - anonymity, convenience, and escape. When these three are combined together, they serve as the proper mix to lead to such virtual adultery.
The anonymity of Internet communication allows users to secretly engage in erotic discussions without the overriding fear of being caught by a spouse, contrasted with that implied risk were these communications conducted in a more real-life format.
Anonymity provides the user with a greater sense of perceived control over the content, tone, and nature of the Internet experience. Anonymous Internet communications such as these often occur in the privacy of one’s home, their office, even their bedroom; the common perception of anonymity by the average user is that this sort of communication on the Internet is both private as well as untraceable.
Internet affairs are initiated in this manner and typically begin in chat room setting allowing users to talk in real-time by typing messages to each other through "screen names" or "handles." Messages can either appear in the public forum for the entire room to read or an "instant message" can be sent privately to a single member of the room.
The anonymity associated with electronic communication allows users to feel more open and frank in talking with other users.
Experts say that 70% of communication in real life occurs through non-verbal messages; however, the anonymity of the Internet allows the user to feel comfortable without needing to look for these cues, these signs of insincerity or judgment in their facial expression, as would be existent in real life; as such, the common perception is that they are less "socially risky" than their real-world counterparts. People on the Internet are able to portray themselves in whatever manner they see fit - often, glorifying or glamorizing things about themselves that are not necessarily true in real life.
The perceived privacy of the Internet enables a person to share intimate feelings that are otherwise only shared with a significant other; the time it takes for those messages passing back and forth from screen to screen to carry emotional significance is far more expeditious than would be in real life.
For people who are wishing to seek emotional gratification, this manner can be arguably seen as far more efficient than any means to attempt the same in real life. In this day and age where seldom to adults have time to accomplish all of the things they would like to do in a given day, the obvious appeal of this efficient means to accomplish a given end are not difficult to understand.
What starts off as a simple email exchange or an innocent chat room encounter can quickly escalate into an intense and passionate Internet affair, often leading to secret phone calls and orchestrated real life encounters. The more communication that occurs, it has been shown, the more likely there is for an actual real life encounter. However, there are just as many participants who simply go from one cyber relationship to another, and never have any real life encounters with any of them. This behavior is seen as an "escape" from everyday life and its inherent burdens.
Internet - A Society Unto Itself
In order to better comprehend the enormity of this phenomenon taking place, it is important to recognize that the Internet today represents a society unto itself. And societies, in order to function productively, must employ sets of rules for interaction of members of that society. In real life in America, men and women operate each and every day in line with copious rules, most of which do not even need to be considered consciously as they are adhered to by society’s members automatically and without thinking.
These codes of behavior represent the socially constructed reality by which we as members of a society live by. Within a society, the members - or, actors - operate together over time to develop their culture. Based upon that reasoning, the Internet poses a whole new definition of a functional, interactive society, in the sense that it is comprised of actors who interact with one another, and indeed have formed a sort-of "culture"; however, that culture is not subject to the same rules as is the culture we adhere to in everyday, "real" life in the physical realm. There is, in fact, surprisingly little transference of those same rules we consider commonplace that guide our everyday behaviors to the rules (or lack thereof) that govern behavior that is acceptable to engage in on the Internet.
If people define their situations as real, their consequences will be recognized as real as well; in line with that thinking, it can be argued that the perception of Internet adulterers is that their situation is truly not real, and therefore, not subject to the same codes that must be adhered to in the real realm.
Evidence of the degree to which this phenomenon has expanded - that of a cyber-society absent the same rules as physical society - is the preponderance of websites that are designed specifically for this purpose - to encourage Internet infidelity. A curious husband or wife may at any given time on the Internet secretly peek into one of these such rooms, with titles such as the MarriedM4Affair, Cheating Wife, or Lonely Husband; the numbers of participants in these websites and the perceived permissiveness of their engagement in Internet infidelity behaviors is nothing less than unsettling.
Those people who are shown to participate in these forums on the Internet would be otherwise deemed "normal", non-deviant members of society. The decisions made by the participants that in turn result in this behavior are based upon the individual’s definition of the social situation; it is then theorized that the perception held by those individuals is that their definition of that social situation - behaving in that manner on the Internet - is neither consequential nor deviant, based upon the fact that it is perceived to lack any consequence that would dictate otherwise. Actions result from decisions made by us through the manipulation of the situation in our minds, and acting upon that manipulation by the choices that we make.
Real Life Versus Internet
Adultery itself is becoming more common in our society, according to statistics, and researchers are finding that women are just as likely as men to have an affair. A 2003 study found that 29 percent of married people under 25 had had an extramarital affair, with no statistical difference between the number of men and women who chose to be unfaithful to their spouses early in life.
By comparison, only 9 percent of spouses in the 1950s under the age of 25 had been involved in extramarital affairs. Another study concluded that by age 40, approximately 60 to 65 percent of husbands and 45 to 55 percent of wives become involved in an extramarital affair.
Real-life affairs are typically more than a one-time event. A 2004 study surveyed 200 men and women and found that their affairs lasted an average of two years. These affairs - just like traditional relationships - were seen to go through transitions over time. They may begin as romantic, sexual, or emotional relationships and may become intimate friendships. There is evidence that those affairs that later turn into friendships may indeed last for an entire lifetime, providing no discovery was made of the initial nature of the relationship by the married partner.
Internet affairs differ from these other real life affairs, however, in that they may not involve a physical component; however, often the emotional attachment is still there. Internet affairs develop because of the dual attraction of attention and anonymity, and surprisingly enough, it is the anonymity that often encourages the emotional investment, as it is seen as an investment without the risks that are felt to exist in real life romantic scenarios. It is the anonymity that in turn feeds the addictive nature of these sorts of affairs based upon the unknown of the affair partner.
They can be as beautiful and intelligent as the Internet participant’s dreams can imagine; the fantasy is fueled simply by the lack of information.
Internet affairs are predominantly fantasy-based; on many occasions, when the choice is made to meet in real life, that is when the true danger begins. These kinds of affairs can be very seductive; an Internet addict calls out to a spouse "one more minute" just as an alcoholic justifies "one more drink". Social and emotional needs are met, flirting is allowed and even encouraged, and an illusion of intimacy feeds the addiction that has caught so many unsuspecting Internet advocates off their guard.
Internet affairs typically develop because the cyber relationship meets various social and psychological needs; self-esteem needs often appearing at the top of that list. Self-esteem needs are met through knowing, understanding, and acceptance. Psychologists say that those needs are enhanced through talking intimately about feelings, thoughts, and needs. Even though online affairs may not involve a physical component, the emotional attachment can be just as strong and even overwhelming. And when they end, this strong attachment often can leave the participant in emotional pain.
Perceptions
One question often debated is whether an Internet affair is as harmful as a "real world affair" in which the partners physically meet. There seems to be a belief held by many that affairs that occur on the Internet in this manner -entirely anonymous and absent any real life contact - are not as consequential or serious as those that occur in the physical realm; some even believe their existence is entirely harmless.
There was a qualitative study conducted in 2000 of 94 people who had a partner engaged in an Internet affair. These are the reported results of that study:
in almost 40% of cases, Internet affairs led to real life intimate encounters
30% of online affairs began after the partner had a history of compulsive sexual behaviors
after learning of an Internet affair, spouses reported feeling angry, hurt, and betrayed, as well as feeling they had to "measure up" or compare favorably with affair partners, just like people who discover a partner having a real world affair
over 20% of the couples split up or divorced after the online affair was discovered
almost 70% of the couples with an online affair had experienced a significant decrease in relationship sex during the course of the online affair
Another similar survey conducted among married men and women asked the questions of whether Internet affairs carry the same weight of evil as a real life affair; over 60% of the men and women surveyed agreed that the Internet affair, without a physical encounter, was just as destructive as one that occurred in real life. When asked if they would leave their partner and dissolve the marriage upon such a discovery, 66% of the men and 802 percent of the women surveyed said that yes, they would leave and divorce their married partner.
Why Participate?
Is this a matter of free choice? According to Mead, "freedom is the control of the [social] actor over his or her own action". However, action that does not result from direct thought or perhaps even conscious decision - impulsive, if you will - Mead would argue is not a result of that decision-making freedom.
These sorts of acts may often even surprise the actor that is committing them in the first place, when confronted with the reality of the behavior they have chosen.
There is justification often given when confronted with such decision-making, however; the justification of perceived boredom in the marriage, or of somehow not garnering adequate rewards through the marital process.
A University of Florida researcher, Beatriz Mileham, studied Internet infidelity as part of her doctoral dissertation, interviewing 76 men and 10 women who used popular chat rooms for the "Married But Looking" crowd. Most of the participants insisted they loved their spouses, but were still compelled to seek a romantic encounter via the Internet due to boredom or their partner's perceived lack of interest in sex.
It could be said that society is largely to blame for this problem, as we are taught from a very young age to have grandiose and largely unrealistic expectations of marriage. We watch romantic pictorials in television and media, and are socialized from a very young age to believe that marriage should be effortless and unexceptionally fulfilling to us as individuals. When "real life" sets in, and what is found is contrary to those ideals we’ve been brainwashed into striving for, what is experienced is an overwhelming sense of letdown.
Life, as it were, let us down, as our expectations were not met as we had believed they would be. Couple that with the messages in our society about what will make each of us truly happy as individuals, and the self-serving music behind the words of capitalism, and the stage is undoubtedly set for people to relish an avenue to pursue those ego-gratifying needs. However, the reality of consequence still exists in the physical realm; so, in line with the growing efficiency needs of our culture and society as a whole, the Internet is introduced, and has indeed provided an avenue for this sort of gratification without any perceived risk of physical-realm, real-life consequences.
Many people falsely assume that the primary reinforcement to engage in adultery is the sexual gratification received from the erotic and sexual behavior engaged in on the Internet. Studies have shown the experience itself is reinforced through a type of addictive "high", providing an emotional or mental escape and serving to reinforce the behavior, in turn leading to further compulsivity.
A lonely wife in an empty marriage can escape into a chat room where she is desired by an Internet affair partner. A sexually insecure husband can transform into a hot lover on the Internet that all the women in a given chat room may actually fight over. While sexual fulfillment may provide the initial reinforcement, the more potent reinforcement is the ability to cultivate a subjective fantasy world whereby the Internet identity can escape the stresses and strains that they face in real life.
The courts, however, have argued that the role of online compulsivity as a mental disorder in the defense of online sexual deviancy cases. For example, one landmark case, the United States versus McBroom, successfully demonstrated that the client’s downloading, viewing, and transferring of Internet pornography was less about erotic gratification and more about an emotional escape mechanism to relieve mental tension.
Gender Bias?
Are women any more at risk, or vice versa? Research indicates that the percentage of women who have extramarital affairs has increased the last few decades. In 1953, Alfred Kinsey found that 29 percent of married women admitted to at least one affair. However, this does not indicate that women are more prone than men to have an affair; this merely indicates that women are more prone today than they were in the past to engage in such behavior. Men still carry the leading statistic on infidelity in marriages; the reason that there has been so much more recent investigation into the rates among women is because our society has practiced an attitude of greater acceptance toward this same behavior in the male population through history.
Today, more women are employed outside the home than ever before; and, as may be expected, women who are employed are more likely to have an affair than full-time homemakers. One study found that 47 percent of wives who were employed full-time and 27 percent of full-time homemakers had been involved in an affair before they were 40 years old.
Men and women have affairs for different reasons. Research has shown that women seek affairs in order to be loved, have a friend, and feel needed. Men seek affairs for sexual fulfillment, friendship, and fun. Women report feeling thrilled by their lover’s interest in them physically, emotionally, and intellectually. They are also excited about the chance to know a different man; they experience intimacy with their cyber-lovers because they can talk about their feelings openly. The anonymity often serves as a defense mechanism, rendering the participant immune to any fear of rejection as is typical in real life relationships. When these affairs end, many women feel a great deal of guilt with regard to their husband and children.
Men report feeling excited about the sexual experience of the affair. They try to control their feelings in the affair, and their emotions may not compete at all with their feelings for their wife. Men also feel guilt and regret over deceit when an affair ends, but less so than most women.
Consequences
The obviously most significant social consequence of any incidence of infidelity is divorce. Today's divorce rate is higher than 50 percent - and it seems to be increasing. While an affair that is discovered does not have to necessarily lead to divorce, that is often the reported result. Approximately one- third of couples remain together after the discovery of an adulterous affair, while the other two-thirds end the marriage in divorce. Divorce lawyers and marriage counselors claim that Internet infidelity is indeed now one of the leading factors in marital breakdowns.
According to the President of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, Internet infidelity has accounted for a growing trend in divorce cases. However, the nature and scope of marital dissolution caused specifically by Internet infidelity has been greatly underestimated due to the Internet’s current popularity as a technological advancement. Furthermore, healthcare professionals, especially marital and family therapist who are most like to deal with such couples, are often unfamiliar with the dynamics associated with relatively new concept of Internet affairs and the electronic process of virtual-based "cheating".
A lesser-known fact is that those who divorce very rarely marry the person with whom they are having the affair. A survey of 4,100 people showed that only 3% who divorced their spouse later married their affair partners. Even further, the divorce rate among those who married their affair partners was over 75 percent; reasons for that high divorce rate include intervention of reality, guilt, expectations, and a general foundation of distrust in the marriage - not necessarily the incidence of another affair.
The lowest rate of divorce in married couples, logically enough, are those couples who report no incidence of affairs - either over the Internet or in real life.
Conclusion
Peggy Vaughn, the author of The Monogamy Myth, serves as an expert on problems caused by infidelity. She predicts that one role of the Internet in the future will be as an increasing avenue and source of affairs. She is writing a second book on the subject of adultery and says she could base half of it just on the letters she receives from people who started an affair online.
With the growing number of citizens who access the Internet every day, this is a social trend that can be expected to continue. Based upon the far-reaching expanse of the Internet, no one can claim they are immune to its charms. The appeal of Internet affairs in our society today should serve as a signal that we may need to re-think certain aspects of our lives in order to better and determine what is rooted in reality and what is not, as well as the consequences of crossing that boundary for ourselves. If we as a society do not find a way to do this, the successful future of the institution of marriage as whole remains tenuous.
Erzulie
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Divorced Pastor Leads Church-Based DivorceCare Ministry
By Scott Mims
Few things affect families like divorce. Having been described as "the death that keeps on dying," divorce has no semblance of closure such as when someone loses a spouse through physical death.
Then there is the pain of facing the public again after a divorce, which can result in people being treated differently and, sometimes, even the loss of friends.
Freddie Nichols, volunteer associate pastor at Clanton First United Methodist Church, knows the pain of divorce all too well. Knowing what a large percentage of the population is affected by divorce, he is helping to start a Divorce Care course at the church that will begin next month.
"I went through a divorce about five years ago, and it was one of the most painful, traumatic experiences of my life," Nichols admitted. "I felt completely alone, as if I were the only one going through it."
But recently, Nichols saw an advertisement for a Divorce Care course being held at Fraser Memorial United Methodist Church in Montgomery. It is a 13-week course that relates to people who are divorced, going through separation or divorce, or thinking about divorce.
"What I found was that there are a lot of people going through the same thing," Nichols said. "I found strength through being with others."
For him, being a pastor made the experience even more traumatic. Nichols felt that he had let his wife, his three daughters, his church, and himself down. But he found a catalyst in getting out of his room and getting into the lives of other people - people to whom he could relate.
"In this course, we come at it as having been there, and being able to relate to the people who come," he said.
Brenda Godbold, another church member, is assisting Nichols in leading the course, which will begin Feb. 12 at 6:30 p.m. and continue for the next 12 weeks. Each week will cover a different facet of the divorce experience including loneliness, depression, finances, and even learning how to date again.
While it may be a stereotype that churches are not very understanding of divorce, Nichols said First Methodist wants to reach out to the very significant portion of society affected by its pain.
He went on to add that 50 percent of all first marriages, 75 percent of all second marriages, and 95 percent of all third marriages end in divorce.
"There is a part of me that will never get over the pain of my divorce," he admitted. "But I had to learn how to deal with it and cope instead of living in the past, which is a place you can't do anything about."
Everyone is welcome to participate in the course. The only cost is $12 for the workbook, but the church doesn't want the cost to be an obstacle.
For more information, call the church office at 755-0490 or visit www.divorcecare.com or www.clantonfumc.org.
Few things affect families like divorce. Having been described as "the death that keeps on dying," divorce has no semblance of closure such as when someone loses a spouse through physical death.
Then there is the pain of facing the public again after a divorce, which can result in people being treated differently and, sometimes, even the loss of friends.
Freddie Nichols, volunteer associate pastor at Clanton First United Methodist Church, knows the pain of divorce all too well. Knowing what a large percentage of the population is affected by divorce, he is helping to start a Divorce Care course at the church that will begin next month.
"I went through a divorce about five years ago, and it was one of the most painful, traumatic experiences of my life," Nichols admitted. "I felt completely alone, as if I were the only one going through it."
But recently, Nichols saw an advertisement for a Divorce Care course being held at Fraser Memorial United Methodist Church in Montgomery. It is a 13-week course that relates to people who are divorced, going through separation or divorce, or thinking about divorce.
"What I found was that there are a lot of people going through the same thing," Nichols said. "I found strength through being with others."
For him, being a pastor made the experience even more traumatic. Nichols felt that he had let his wife, his three daughters, his church, and himself down. But he found a catalyst in getting out of his room and getting into the lives of other people - people to whom he could relate.
"In this course, we come at it as having been there, and being able to relate to the people who come," he said.
Brenda Godbold, another church member, is assisting Nichols in leading the course, which will begin Feb. 12 at 6:30 p.m. and continue for the next 12 weeks. Each week will cover a different facet of the divorce experience including loneliness, depression, finances, and even learning how to date again.
While it may be a stereotype that churches are not very understanding of divorce, Nichols said First Methodist wants to reach out to the very significant portion of society affected by its pain.
He went on to add that 50 percent of all first marriages, 75 percent of all second marriages, and 95 percent of all third marriages end in divorce.
"There is a part of me that will never get over the pain of my divorce," he admitted. "But I had to learn how to deal with it and cope instead of living in the past, which is a place you can't do anything about."
Everyone is welcome to participate in the course. The only cost is $12 for the workbook, but the church doesn't want the cost to be an obstacle.
For more information, call the church office at 755-0490 or visit www.divorcecare.com or www.clantonfumc.org.
Friday, February 8, 2008
Secrecy: Should I Tell Others About My Spouse' Affair?
Listen to following responses from members of BAN community (www.beyondaffairs.com)
Allison says:
I was very verbal about telling anyone and everyone about my husbands affair, IF it was relevant to the discussion. If someone asked about him, why he wasn't doing something, or if it affected my plans I told them what was going on. I NEVER saw it as my shame, only his, so did not hesitate to tell the truth. However, I never just brought it up as an announcement for no other purpose than to embarass him. By doing this I followed the princliple of "full disclosure" advocated by Dr. Harley, but never in a way that seemed to be vindictive or mean. As a result, I am able to look back and believe I always acted with integirty, even when he did not.
I am a big fan of Dr. Willard Harley's books and plan for marital recovery after an affair. I swear by "Surviving an Affair", "His Needs/Her Needs", and "Love Busters". I followed the principles in all three. Now that we are back together and actively working on our marriage, my husband swears it's because I followed the plans in these books that he woke up from affairyland and made the commitment to make our marriage better than it was before (and he has). The concept of full disclosure, Dr. Harley proposed, is that affairs can only survive with secrecy and with lies...that's why there are so many. Once affairs are out in the open with the light of REALITY shining on them, they can be seen for the ugly thing they are and they are much harder to maintain. My husband had tons of justifications for his actions when I was the only one who knew. But when our friends and family knew, he found it much harder to justify what he was doing. Also, whether they actually said anything to him or not, he "knew" they probably disapproved or questioned his actions, so he isolated himself from everyone. He began to miss the friends and family he'd always relied upon (probably even before he missed me) which depressed him and put additional pressure on him. The depression and isolation caused by this isolation (though it was self imposed) began to affect their relationship and helped it to end.
My only worry when I was telling people was how he'd feel IF we managed to work through this and get back together. While he did/does still suffer from shame whenever we reconnect with a friend he hasn't seen since his affair began, he accepts that he must face it and them as part of his "atonement". He was responsible for his actions; he needs to be responsible for facing the consequences.
I hated that he lied to and deceived me, so why would I help support these behaviors? By staying silent, I would have helped make it easy for him to continue with his affair. I absolutley did not want to do that!
I also told people whom I knew would provide me with support when I was having a hard time coping. When I first started telling those closest to me, he got very angry. I told him that he had HER for support and it was only right that I be entitled to seek support from those who cared about me.
So the telling had two purposes, first to get him to face the reality of his actions; second, so I could find support when I needed it.
It all worked out for me!
Alison
====================
CURT says:
Allison, I have read your message several times. My conclusion is that you have dealt with the situation more honestly and courageously than I have, and therefore more effectively. To a large extent I have not shared with other people. That leaves some of the consequences not fully dealt with by either of us, leaving a certain amount of buried resentment that surfaces in non-productive ways. She was not pleased with one group I had shared with, and has experessed concern that I may have shared with others. However at the time of the affair she said she did not know who knew about it. That means that in our community, there must be several people that know, but likely are not aware that I know, and are keeping the secret. Although I expect the personalities involved have something to do with disclosure, they should not be very limiting. Being quiet for the sake of harmony may be effective in the short run but not long term. I believe getting to know other couples at the Healing from Affairs weekend we attended was a significant part in the healing, but it still leaves un-addressed the people we are close to, family and friends. You have made some excellant points that I still ponder, and you have my admiration and respect. Curt
Allison says:
I was very verbal about telling anyone and everyone about my husbands affair, IF it was relevant to the discussion. If someone asked about him, why he wasn't doing something, or if it affected my plans I told them what was going on. I NEVER saw it as my shame, only his, so did not hesitate to tell the truth. However, I never just brought it up as an announcement for no other purpose than to embarass him. By doing this I followed the princliple of "full disclosure" advocated by Dr. Harley, but never in a way that seemed to be vindictive or mean. As a result, I am able to look back and believe I always acted with integirty, even when he did not.
I am a big fan of Dr. Willard Harley's books and plan for marital recovery after an affair. I swear by "Surviving an Affair", "His Needs/Her Needs", and "Love Busters". I followed the principles in all three. Now that we are back together and actively working on our marriage, my husband swears it's because I followed the plans in these books that he woke up from affairyland and made the commitment to make our marriage better than it was before (and he has). The concept of full disclosure, Dr. Harley proposed, is that affairs can only survive with secrecy and with lies...that's why there are so many. Once affairs are out in the open with the light of REALITY shining on them, they can be seen for the ugly thing they are and they are much harder to maintain. My husband had tons of justifications for his actions when I was the only one who knew. But when our friends and family knew, he found it much harder to justify what he was doing. Also, whether they actually said anything to him or not, he "knew" they probably disapproved or questioned his actions, so he isolated himself from everyone. He began to miss the friends and family he'd always relied upon (probably even before he missed me) which depressed him and put additional pressure on him. The depression and isolation caused by this isolation (though it was self imposed) began to affect their relationship and helped it to end.
My only worry when I was telling people was how he'd feel IF we managed to work through this and get back together. While he did/does still suffer from shame whenever we reconnect with a friend he hasn't seen since his affair began, he accepts that he must face it and them as part of his "atonement". He was responsible for his actions; he needs to be responsible for facing the consequences.
I hated that he lied to and deceived me, so why would I help support these behaviors? By staying silent, I would have helped make it easy for him to continue with his affair. I absolutley did not want to do that!
I also told people whom I knew would provide me with support when I was having a hard time coping. When I first started telling those closest to me, he got very angry. I told him that he had HER for support and it was only right that I be entitled to seek support from those who cared about me.
So the telling had two purposes, first to get him to face the reality of his actions; second, so I could find support when I needed it.
It all worked out for me!
Alison
====================
CURT says:
Allison, I have read your message several times. My conclusion is that you have dealt with the situation more honestly and courageously than I have, and therefore more effectively. To a large extent I have not shared with other people. That leaves some of the consequences not fully dealt with by either of us, leaving a certain amount of buried resentment that surfaces in non-productive ways. She was not pleased with one group I had shared with, and has experessed concern that I may have shared with others. However at the time of the affair she said she did not know who knew about it. That means that in our community, there must be several people that know, but likely are not aware that I know, and are keeping the secret. Although I expect the personalities involved have something to do with disclosure, they should not be very limiting. Being quiet for the sake of harmony may be effective in the short run but not long term. I believe getting to know other couples at the Healing from Affairs weekend we attended was a significant part in the healing, but it still leaves un-addressed the people we are close to, family and friends. You have made some excellant points that I still ponder, and you have my admiration and respect. Curt
My Friends are getting a Divorce, what can we do?
by Jim Smoke
"You won't believe what I just heard. Bill and Janet are getting a divorce!" Those two lines have stunned many of us at one time or another. When it happens to close friends, the clouds of disbelief, pain, anger, and frustration can be overwhelming to us. We immediately want to scream at both parties, "You can't do this!" Divorce just isn't supposed to happen to your Christian friends. But it does, and with increasing frequency. How can you help? What should you do? What do you say?
After spending 22 years in the divorce recovery field, I have discovered that there are three basic questions all separated and divorcing people need to answer. Those who try to help can often be the ones to ask these questions: Do both parties want to save the marriage? Will both parties accept professional help for as long as is necessary to save the marriage? Has a third party become involved with either of them?
As any trained counselor will tell you, you can't help anyone who doesn't want help. And it is extremely difficult to save a marriage when a third party is working overtime to destroy it. Nevertheless, I believe there are seven positive things you can do when the fabric of your friends' marriage is ripping apart.
1. Pray for them.
Prayer is a compassionate tool given by God to aid hurting people. Scripture commands prayer for one another and testifies to prayer's power (Eph. 6:18, Jas. 5:16). Prayer for hurting friends is not a last resort. It is a first resort. If the marriage is to be saved, it must be placed in larger hands than yours. Prayer enlists God's aid in the battle to save the marriage. It also helps remind you that your knowledge and skills are limited.
2. Don't abandon them.
It is easier to avoid people who are doing something you disagree with than to stand by them and spend time with them. People in pain need friends who love them. In 1 Thess. 5:14, Paul encourages his readers to "encourage the timid, [and] help the weak." The issues that push marriages into trouble usually take years to accumulate. Healing the broken places takes time. Getting involved will probably be costly. Make it your intention before getting heavily involved to stick with hurting people for as long as it takes. Remember, there is no quick fix.
3. Don't take sides.
Divorcing people often look for recruits to join their side of the imminent divorce battle. If you intend to help, stay neutral to both parties. Focus your attention on trying to help save the marriage instead of being lured by one side to throw rocks at the other. Everyone has a long litany of "who did what to whom," and "who is really to blame here." Always remember that your view of a collapsing marriage is from the outside, not the inside.
4. Try to get both of your friends to see a counselor.
Marriage counselors have skills you do not possess. They know how to stay neutral. Only recommend counselors who have a good track record of saving marriages. They are literally the paramedics for dying marriages. If the marriage is salvageable, they will have the best chance at saving it. You can even offer to go with your friends and pay for their appointment to show your concern.
5. Be available and listen with love.
Let your friends know you are available to listen any time they want to talk. Listen to them, supply Kleenex, and be willing to drink buckets of coffee. Hurting people need the physical presence of caring people when their lives appear to be unraveling. Listen more than you talk. Be sensitive to God's leading in these conversations.
6. Don't gossip about them to other friends.
Gossip is often the natural pastime for those who stand on the sidelines when other people's lives are crumbling. Never break a confidence that has been entrusted to you. One of the greatest dangers is to brag that "we are trying to help Bill and Janet put their marriage back together." Become a silent helper rather than a play-by-play commentator on the demise of someone else's marriage.
7. Don't play God.
God can save marriages that the whole world deems hopeless. I don't believe He calls those who help to be heralds predicting the final outcome of the process, however. Too many well-meaning Christians make spiritual statements about what they think God will or will not do. Scripture provides guidance, but it must always be shared gently and from a loving heart. Don't use harsh exhortation as a spiritual club to beat them up. Always let the Holy Spirit do the convicting. That is not your job.
My heart has been broken many times in the past 20 years as I have walked others through thousands of divorces. I wish I could have healed them all, but I could not. Over the years I have learned that many men and women have to pay the price for bad decisions others have made that have swept them into divorce. Jeremiah 29:11 is a verse of hope that has comforted many individuals experiencing the tragedy of divorce: "‘For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"
About the author:
Jim Smoke is the pastor of adult ministries at Grace Church in Cypress, California, and the author of Growing Through Divorce (Harvest House).
"You won't believe what I just heard. Bill and Janet are getting a divorce!" Those two lines have stunned many of us at one time or another. When it happens to close friends, the clouds of disbelief, pain, anger, and frustration can be overwhelming to us. We immediately want to scream at both parties, "You can't do this!" Divorce just isn't supposed to happen to your Christian friends. But it does, and with increasing frequency. How can you help? What should you do? What do you say?
After spending 22 years in the divorce recovery field, I have discovered that there are three basic questions all separated and divorcing people need to answer. Those who try to help can often be the ones to ask these questions: Do both parties want to save the marriage? Will both parties accept professional help for as long as is necessary to save the marriage? Has a third party become involved with either of them?
As any trained counselor will tell you, you can't help anyone who doesn't want help. And it is extremely difficult to save a marriage when a third party is working overtime to destroy it. Nevertheless, I believe there are seven positive things you can do when the fabric of your friends' marriage is ripping apart.
1. Pray for them.
Prayer is a compassionate tool given by God to aid hurting people. Scripture commands prayer for one another and testifies to prayer's power (Eph. 6:18, Jas. 5:16). Prayer for hurting friends is not a last resort. It is a first resort. If the marriage is to be saved, it must be placed in larger hands than yours. Prayer enlists God's aid in the battle to save the marriage. It also helps remind you that your knowledge and skills are limited.
2. Don't abandon them.
It is easier to avoid people who are doing something you disagree with than to stand by them and spend time with them. People in pain need friends who love them. In 1 Thess. 5:14, Paul encourages his readers to "encourage the timid, [and] help the weak." The issues that push marriages into trouble usually take years to accumulate. Healing the broken places takes time. Getting involved will probably be costly. Make it your intention before getting heavily involved to stick with hurting people for as long as it takes. Remember, there is no quick fix.
3. Don't take sides.
Divorcing people often look for recruits to join their side of the imminent divorce battle. If you intend to help, stay neutral to both parties. Focus your attention on trying to help save the marriage instead of being lured by one side to throw rocks at the other. Everyone has a long litany of "who did what to whom," and "who is really to blame here." Always remember that your view of a collapsing marriage is from the outside, not the inside.
4. Try to get both of your friends to see a counselor.
Marriage counselors have skills you do not possess. They know how to stay neutral. Only recommend counselors who have a good track record of saving marriages. They are literally the paramedics for dying marriages. If the marriage is salvageable, they will have the best chance at saving it. You can even offer to go with your friends and pay for their appointment to show your concern.
5. Be available and listen with love.
Let your friends know you are available to listen any time they want to talk. Listen to them, supply Kleenex, and be willing to drink buckets of coffee. Hurting people need the physical presence of caring people when their lives appear to be unraveling. Listen more than you talk. Be sensitive to God's leading in these conversations.
6. Don't gossip about them to other friends.
Gossip is often the natural pastime for those who stand on the sidelines when other people's lives are crumbling. Never break a confidence that has been entrusted to you. One of the greatest dangers is to brag that "we are trying to help Bill and Janet put their marriage back together." Become a silent helper rather than a play-by-play commentator on the demise of someone else's marriage.
7. Don't play God.
God can save marriages that the whole world deems hopeless. I don't believe He calls those who help to be heralds predicting the final outcome of the process, however. Too many well-meaning Christians make spiritual statements about what they think God will or will not do. Scripture provides guidance, but it must always be shared gently and from a loving heart. Don't use harsh exhortation as a spiritual club to beat them up. Always let the Holy Spirit do the convicting. That is not your job.
My heart has been broken many times in the past 20 years as I have walked others through thousands of divorces. I wish I could have healed them all, but I could not. Over the years I have learned that many men and women have to pay the price for bad decisions others have made that have swept them into divorce. Jeremiah 29:11 is a verse of hope that has comforted many individuals experiencing the tragedy of divorce: "‘For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"
About the author:
Jim Smoke is the pastor of adult ministries at Grace Church in Cypress, California, and the author of Growing Through Divorce (Harvest House).
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Triumphing Over Fear
by Anne Brecht
An important, essential part of living a passionate life is having
adequate times for rest, rejuvenation, fun and quietness for spiritual
renewal. This is my fancy description of all the components a vacation
or holiday should include.
Today, I write to all of you with a message I feel compelled to share
inspired by my own time on holidays.
Every person experiences fear. The difference between victims and
victors in life is how they deal with fear. Victims are paralyzed by
it. Victors are afraid, but they move forward anyway.
It is said that "The difference between the person you are today and
the person you will be five years from now depends on the books you
read and the people you associate with."
During my holidays, I allow myself time to read books for fun, for me
that includes inspiring true stories. There is so much more to life
than our own self-centered worlds. Happiness is found in living your
life for others and for a higher purpose, not just for yourself. For
those of you who are dealing with the harrowing aftermath of an
affair, you are faced with the challenge of getting through this
somehow and finding life on the other side.
During my holidays, I read a book called "A Mighty Heart" by
Mariane Pearl, the true story of the death of her husband, journalist
Daniel Pearl, in the aftermath of 9/11 and ongoing terrorism by
religious extremists. I hope you can find courage in Mariane Pearls
courage. Her suffering is different than ours, but suffering all the
same, and she was never defeated although her husband, Danny, was
murdered. I pray for each and every one who are receiving this letter,
although you may be suffering, may you not be defeated. May you find
through the courage of others, your own courage to be a victor in your
circumstance.
Journalist Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered senselessly by
religious extremists in the wake of 9/11. His pregnant wife Mariane,
who loved him absolutely, waited in anguish for his safe return, but
to no avail. He was murdered senselessly, beheaded, his body cut into
ten pieces. Tastelessly his gruesome murder was videotaped and posted
on the internet, until authorities had it removed. That didn't help
much. CBS felt it was "newsworthy" and showed excerpts of this video
tape on worldwide television.
As I read the book, I realized Mariane's grief and suffering is much
like the grief and suffering of those who experience affairs, except
Danny will never be with her on this earth again. Some of us can
restore our marriages and experience a love stronger than we first
had. There is no sense comparing suffering.
Below are quotes from her book that may inspire you:
"If hope is our most powerful weapon, fear is the greatest threat .."
"I must not fear. Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little death
that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear, I will allow it
to pass over me and through me."
"And about the only way I can confirm Danny's victory of the spirit -
by pursuing life and striving to become happy again."
Mariane knew her husband was victorious in spirit because in the
background of photos sent to authorities while Danny was still alive
he was giving his captors the finger. His captors didn't know what
the gesture meant. What about an affair survivor? Is not the voice
of victory in pursuing life and striving to become happy again?
Initially Mariane toyed with the idea of suicide. Why live when such
tragedy has befallen us? But she writes:
"Maybe the choice isn't between living and dying. Maybe it is between
victory and defeat"
Mariane writes of her meeting with President Bush after confirmation
of Danny's death:
"But what he really wanted to understand from me was "How come you're
not bitter?" I told him that if I let bitterness overcome me, I would
lose my soul, ... This, I told the President of the United States,
is my biggest battle."
So it is with us. Our biggest battle is not with our spouse's, rather
it is with ourselves in not becoming bitter.
Mariane Pearl wrote: "I have to confront the truth, because it is
like an enemy: If you turn your face from it, then you are crushed by it."
Finally (although she never watches the video footage of her husband's
gruesome death at the hands of terrorists) she faces in her mind the
truth of the suffering her husband endured. She imagines it for two
days.
"They are the craziest days of my life, but I have to do this, AND
I HAVE TO DO IT ALONE. When it is over, I know nothing can happen
anymore that I don't have the courage to fight within."
In her books epilogue, Mariane includes what happened to those who
walked this journey with her and includes many sympathy letters she
received from people all over the world. As I read this my husband is
watching a heroic movie on television. The music by coincidence
provides the perfect emotional background to all I've read and tears
run down my cheeks, tears about the suffering in this world, the
suffering I endured, Mariane's suffering and your suffering.
"World is not a nice place, but one must find happiness on their own."
"As the orchestra played Tchaikovsky's Symphony No.5, I finally
understood the triumph of hope over despair."
"I had just experienced how barbaric human beings can be, and I was
about to bring a child into the world. Living through the nightmare
was like falling into a well. Those letters - your letters - have been
a rope that, word by word, allowed me to raise my hopes again and see
the light at last."
"I am convinced that if we ultimately overcome terrorism and the
spread of hatred in the world, it will be because there are millions
more on this earth like those who wrote to me. We call them ordinary
people. To me each one is extraordinary."
For each of you who are suffering, if your story were told on television,
you would receive letters of encouragement and empathy from all over
the world too. You can read the letters to Mariane in her book, and
pretend they are your own letters.
"Take courage for something good, however small, will always come out
of such a tragedy - or so I believe."
"Good people make this world worth living in."
School Prayer by Diane Ackerman
"I swear I will not dishonor
my soul with hatred,
but offer myself humbly
as a guardian of nature,
as a healer of misery,
as a messenger of wonder,
as an architect of peace."
An important, essential part of living a passionate life is having
adequate times for rest, rejuvenation, fun and quietness for spiritual
renewal. This is my fancy description of all the components a vacation
or holiday should include.
Today, I write to all of you with a message I feel compelled to share
inspired by my own time on holidays.
Every person experiences fear. The difference between victims and
victors in life is how they deal with fear. Victims are paralyzed by
it. Victors are afraid, but they move forward anyway.
It is said that "The difference between the person you are today and
the person you will be five years from now depends on the books you
read and the people you associate with."
During my holidays, I allow myself time to read books for fun, for me
that includes inspiring true stories. There is so much more to life
than our own self-centered worlds. Happiness is found in living your
life for others and for a higher purpose, not just for yourself. For
those of you who are dealing with the harrowing aftermath of an
affair, you are faced with the challenge of getting through this
somehow and finding life on the other side.
During my holidays, I read a book called "A Mighty Heart" by
Mariane Pearl, the true story of the death of her husband, journalist
Daniel Pearl, in the aftermath of 9/11 and ongoing terrorism by
religious extremists. I hope you can find courage in Mariane Pearls
courage. Her suffering is different than ours, but suffering all the
same, and she was never defeated although her husband, Danny, was
murdered. I pray for each and every one who are receiving this letter,
although you may be suffering, may you not be defeated. May you find
through the courage of others, your own courage to be a victor in your
circumstance.
Journalist Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered senselessly by
religious extremists in the wake of 9/11. His pregnant wife Mariane,
who loved him absolutely, waited in anguish for his safe return, but
to no avail. He was murdered senselessly, beheaded, his body cut into
ten pieces. Tastelessly his gruesome murder was videotaped and posted
on the internet, until authorities had it removed. That didn't help
much. CBS felt it was "newsworthy" and showed excerpts of this video
tape on worldwide television.
As I read the book, I realized Mariane's grief and suffering is much
like the grief and suffering of those who experience affairs, except
Danny will never be with her on this earth again. Some of us can
restore our marriages and experience a love stronger than we first
had. There is no sense comparing suffering.
Below are quotes from her book that may inspire you:
"If hope is our most powerful weapon, fear is the greatest threat .."
"I must not fear. Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little death
that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear, I will allow it
to pass over me and through me."
"And about the only way I can confirm Danny's victory of the spirit -
by pursuing life and striving to become happy again."
Mariane knew her husband was victorious in spirit because in the
background of photos sent to authorities while Danny was still alive
he was giving his captors the finger. His captors didn't know what
the gesture meant. What about an affair survivor? Is not the voice
of victory in pursuing life and striving to become happy again?
Initially Mariane toyed with the idea of suicide. Why live when such
tragedy has befallen us? But she writes:
"Maybe the choice isn't between living and dying. Maybe it is between
victory and defeat"
Mariane writes of her meeting with President Bush after confirmation
of Danny's death:
"But what he really wanted to understand from me was "How come you're
not bitter?" I told him that if I let bitterness overcome me, I would
lose my soul, ... This, I told the President of the United States,
is my biggest battle."
So it is with us. Our biggest battle is not with our spouse's, rather
it is with ourselves in not becoming bitter.
Mariane Pearl wrote: "I have to confront the truth, because it is
like an enemy: If you turn your face from it, then you are crushed by it."
Finally (although she never watches the video footage of her husband's
gruesome death at the hands of terrorists) she faces in her mind the
truth of the suffering her husband endured. She imagines it for two
days.
"They are the craziest days of my life, but I have to do this, AND
I HAVE TO DO IT ALONE. When it is over, I know nothing can happen
anymore that I don't have the courage to fight within."
In her books epilogue, Mariane includes what happened to those who
walked this journey with her and includes many sympathy letters she
received from people all over the world. As I read this my husband is
watching a heroic movie on television. The music by coincidence
provides the perfect emotional background to all I've read and tears
run down my cheeks, tears about the suffering in this world, the
suffering I endured, Mariane's suffering and your suffering.
"World is not a nice place, but one must find happiness on their own."
"As the orchestra played Tchaikovsky's Symphony No.5, I finally
understood the triumph of hope over despair."
"I had just experienced how barbaric human beings can be, and I was
about to bring a child into the world. Living through the nightmare
was like falling into a well. Those letters - your letters - have been
a rope that, word by word, allowed me to raise my hopes again and see
the light at last."
"I am convinced that if we ultimately overcome terrorism and the
spread of hatred in the world, it will be because there are millions
more on this earth like those who wrote to me. We call them ordinary
people. To me each one is extraordinary."
For each of you who are suffering, if your story were told on television,
you would receive letters of encouragement and empathy from all over
the world too. You can read the letters to Mariane in her book, and
pretend they are your own letters.
"Take courage for something good, however small, will always come out
of such a tragedy - or so I believe."
"Good people make this world worth living in."
School Prayer by Diane Ackerman
"I swear I will not dishonor
my soul with hatred,
but offer myself humbly
as a guardian of nature,
as a healer of misery,
as a messenger of wonder,
as an architect of peace."
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