Beyond Affairs Therapy

Advise to Rebuilders

2008-02-22T08:56:00.001-08:00

I am very compelled to give this advice because I know where I messed up the first time and don't want to see anyone make the same mistakes I did.

Here's some big lessons I've learned from my own life experiences, and from others that I have followed on this board:

1. A marriage will NEVER be successfully rebuilt if the betrayer does not determine why they cheated. The road that led them to cheating must be recognized and dealt with so it will never happen again. Any cheater that blames the spouse for his/her actions is only in DENIAL. Never ever believe any of this was your fault. No matter how bad of a spouse your spouse tries to make you believe you are, it's your spouses actions that your spouse is responsible for, NOT YOU!

2. A marriage will NEVER be succesfully rebuilt if the betrayer is not sincerely remorseful for his actions. How do you believe in that sincerity when you don't even trust them anymore? All I can say to that is ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. And again, GO WITH YOUR GUT!

3. A marriage will NEVER be successfully rebuilt until a fence-sitter is knocked off that fence. And, the ONLY way to knock them off is to 100% completely IGNORE them. NO CONTACT until he/she comes crawling back and PROVES to you that they have ended the A.

4. This 4th one is hard for me to type, because I've never been one to promote counseling. This is another mistake I made. I refused to go. I thought this board was enough for me and H was willing to go, but didn't really want to either. I now believe that if any marriage is in trouble that it can't be fixed without help. Whether it be a T, a pastor, a neutral family friend, I think it's an individual decision that must be made by the parties involved. Only YOU know what is best for YOU. But some type of counseling IMO is mandatory.

5. Never ASSUME! I think the old saying has been quoted here for ages! But it is so true. Trust your gut and know that just because the betrayer thinks it will never happen again doesn't make it so. My H was certain that after only attending 2 AA meetings, and after seeing the devastation that his A caused our family, that he would never drink or cheat again. I believed him. Love can be blind. ALWAYS LISTEN TO YOUR HEAD BEFORE YOUR HEART. It can be very very hard to do that, but it is very important.

6. DON'T TAKE HIM/HER BACK JUST FOR THE KIDS! OMG this is the worst mistake you can make. My H is the product of parents who where both alcoholics, whose Mother hid his Father's paychecks so he wouldn't spend all their money at the bar. She stayed for the 5 kids that she felt she couldn't support. She and her H only taught my H how to drink his problems away. If H's Dad had been a cheater, she only would have taught them that cheating was acceptable in a marriage. I never ever want my kids to think that, or to have to live through what I have lived through.

7. I should have kicked him out the first time he cheated. I let him stay and started our rebuilding after only a week. That was a huge mistake on my part. He needed to see what this was all going to cost him. This time he was gone a month. He slept in his truck. I even left town one weekend and allowed him to stay here. He had to sleep in our bed without me. He tells me now that was the worst month of his life and that night alone in our bed, I know, was the worst night. They really need to see what this is going to cost them.

This is all I can think of right now. I thank anyone who got through this long list of mine for having the patience to read it all. It is very important to me that NO ONE repeats my mistakes. And please, remember, no matter what decision you make, this board will support you. I know they did me.......I love you all for that........huge hugs.......found

Stanley Recounts Lessons God Taught During Marital Crisis

2008-02-14T17:27:00.001-08:00

By Lee Weeks
Apr 2, 1998

WAKE FOREST, N.C. (BP)--Describing the last five years of his life as the most "painful" as well as "productive," Charles Stanley said prayer and meditation upon God's Word have been his salvation through the storm.
"There's not a pill in a bottle that will do for you when it comes to contentment, and relieving pressure, and bringing you a sense of quietness of spirit like stretching out before God in his Word, reading a passage, talking to him, being quiet and saying, 'Lord speak to my heart,'" Stanley told an overflow crowd March 31 at Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary.
During an emotionally charged hour-long sermon, Stanley, pastor of First Baptist Church, Atlanta, for nearly 30 years, said his reliance on God's sovereignty has helped him persevere through marital problems and church schisms that have rocked his personal life and world-reaching ministry.
Two years ago, Stanley found himself in a mounting controversy from a divorce suit filed nearly three years earlier by his wife, Anna. Some church members, including his son, Andy, who served on staff at the church, thought Stanley should step down as senior pastor of the church until Stanley had reconciled his marriage. Andy resigned from his staff position in August 1995 in disagreement over his father continuing to serve as senior pastor during the ordeal.
Stanley, a former Southern Baptist Convention president whose sermons are televised throughout the world through his broadcast ministry called In Touch Ministries, vowed to step down only if the divorce became final. Anna dropped her divorce suit in March 1996 announcing that the couple were reconciling their differences.
"The most difficult painful years of my life have been the past five, but they have been the most profitable, the most productive in every single way," Stanley said. "I thought what would have appeared to have caused people to walk away from me, drew them by the hoards."
After 40 years in the ministry, Stanley's appeal seemed as strong as ever during his visit to Southeastern. Church vans and carloads of people began arriving on the Wake Forest, N.C., campus about an hour-and-a-half before the 10 a.m. service in the 1,400-seat Binkley Chapel. An overflow crowd assembled in two classrooms to watch the service on closed-circuit television. Students arriving minutes before the scheduled service were turned away because of lack of space. Stanley was again in great demand later in the afternoon when he hosted a book signing at the Baptist Book Store on campus.
"God broke me in areas of my own life that he knew I needed to be broken and crushed, because I wept for eight months every single day," Stanley said in his chapel address. "What was God doing? Just getting me fit for some people to be able to listen to me who could not hear me before then."
Stanley, 65, said another lesson he learned through his ordeals is to "let God fight your battles."
"You fight your battles on your knees in your closet, and God will give you his victory in public," he said.
Stanley testified of the peace he had in August 1995 when he attended a three-hour business meeting with 5,300 church members who were considering firing him. "I just sat there with the most perfect peace and quietness in my heart because, you see, I had already fought that battle. They were fighting it in public. I had fought it back in the prayer room. The battle was over as far as I was concerned."
A vote showed 85 percent of the members supported Stanley remaining as pastor while he and Anna worked on their marital problems. The next month, Stanley retreated to the North Carolina mountains to further prayerfully seek God's will. When he returned home, he told church members God wanted him to continue his ministry at First Baptist.
Stanley said his personal trials have made him more credible in the eyes of other hurting people. "People get drawn to someone in whom they know God is working," he said.
"They cannot handle somebody who has it all together. None of us have it all together. ... You and I live in a world of needy people, and when you and I start meeting people's needs where they're living, they're coming to hear what you have to say."
The author of nearly 20 books, several of which address how to deal with painful emotions, Stanley said learning to wait upon God is "one of the most valuable principles" a minister can practice.
"It's in the pain and hurt and suffering that God builds character," Stanley said. "God doesn't build character on ease, comfort and pleasure. God builds character on pain, suffering, heartache, misunderstandings, tribulations and trials."
To be used by God, Stanley said, one must bleed. "When you suffer, God does something in your life to make you acceptable in the eyes of people as to what you are saying because they know it's been tried and tested in your life."
Stanley said he found rest in the sovereignty of God while it seemed at times his ministry was unraveling around him. "If I can accept the sovereignty of God, I can face any situation, any circumstance, no matter what, no matter how painful, and walk through it absolutely victorious because I know only that which God allows can happen," he said.
Citing the Apostle Paul's admonition in 2 Corinthians 3 to operate out of one's inadequacy, Stanley said he learned anew how to depend on God for everything. "If we learn to operate out of weakness, we don't have to defend our image," he said. "We don't have to try to impress anybody. We don't have to do any of that. All we have to do is do what God tells us to do."
Intimacy with God, Stanley said, is the greatest safeguard against spiritual warfare. "It is the place where the power of God will surge in your life and through your life as no other way. It is the place where you bring your heartaches, your burdens, your problems, your difficulties, your misunderstandings, your anger, all the things that happen in a person's life."
Stanley said he is looking forward to many more years of fruitful ministry. "Most men are retiring at my age," he said. "I have never been more excited in my whole life about the ministry than I am today."

© Copyright 2008 Baptist Press
Original copy of this story can be found at http://www.bpnews.net/bpnews.asp?ID=1985

Internet Infidelity

2008-02-14T06:58:00.000-08:00

I have seen so many threads lately on this topic in particular. This past semester in school, I did a research paper on this very topic - Infidelity and the Internet. It is my belief that there is a lot of valuable information in what I put together, so ... I am posting it here for anyone who is interested in reading. I hope it will help those that need it most.
If anyone is interested in the bibliography that supports my research, I will happily provide it to you.
INFIDELITY AND THE INTERNET - AN EXAMINATION
Introduction

In modern American society today, the world has gotten much smaller, thanks to the advances of technology - specifically, the Internet. The access to information is one of the most obvious benefits that the Internet has to offer; in addition, there is an equal increase in access to other people. While this has opened a whole new chapter for those seeking means to find dating partners, the Internet has also become a breeding ground for adulterous relationships. A new term has been coined to describe this phenomenon - "Internet affairs". The operational definition of an Internet affair is any intimate or sexually explicit communication between a married person and someone other than their spouse that takes place via the Internet.

In a society such as ours where social indicators tell us that 50% of marriages end in divorce, there is obvious concern that this new trend in extramarital connections will have a negative contribution of consequences to this already staggering dilemma. What is in need of examination, is the impact that this new avenue of communication and connection between people - the Internet - has had a detrimental impact upon the institution of marriage in America today. Has the Internet - specifically, the incidence of affairs that occur on-line - led to an increase in marital dissolution?

It is hard to imagine a husband who would never set foot into an adult bookstore would spend time downloading online pornography; it is hard to imagine a wife who would never pick up the telephone to dial a 900-number engaging in erotic chat or phone sex with men she had met online. From a humanitarian perspective, it is disturbingly difficult to understand how stable marriages of 20 years or more are ending due to a two or three-month Internet affair. Shock and disgust aside, these are the very things we are witnessing in our society today.

"Internet Affair" - A New Social Phenomenon

The use of the Internet is a relatively new phenomenon in our society’s history, and as such, is difficult to compare with any other social phenomenon. In order to understand the increased incidence of Internet infidelity, researches have examined three key components that comprise the chemistry of an Internet affair - anonymity, convenience, and escape. When these three are combined together, they serve as the proper mix to lead to such virtual adultery.

The anonymity of Internet communication allows users to secretly engage in erotic discussions without the overriding fear of being caught by a spouse, contrasted with that implied risk were these communications conducted in a more real-life format.

Anonymity provides the user with a greater sense of perceived control over the content, tone, and nature of the Internet experience. Anonymous Internet communications such as these often occur in the privacy of one’s home, their office, even their bedroom; the common perception of anonymity by the average user is that this sort of communication on the Internet is both private as well as untraceable.

Internet affairs are initiated in this manner and typically begin in chat room setting allowing users to talk in real-time by typing messages to each other through "screen names" or "handles." Messages can either appear in the public forum for the entire room to read or an "instant message" can be sent privately to a single member of the room.

The anonymity associated with electronic communication allows users to feel more open and frank in talking with other users.

Experts say that 70% of communication in real life occurs through non-verbal messages; however, the anonymity of the Internet allows the user to feel comfortable without needing to look for these cues, these signs of insincerity or judgment in their facial expression, as would be existent in real life; as such, the common perception is that they are less "socially risky" than their real-world counterparts. People on the Internet are able to portray themselves in whatever manner they see fit - often, glorifying or glamorizing things about themselves that are not necessarily true in real life.

The perceived privacy of the Internet enables a person to share intimate feelings that are otherwise only shared with a significant other; the time it takes for those messages passing back and forth from screen to screen to carry emotional significance is far more expeditious than would be in real life.

For people who are wishing to seek emotional gratification, this manner can be arguably seen as far more efficient than any means to attempt the same in real life. In this day and age where seldom to adults have time to accomplish all of the things they would like to do in a given day, the obvious appeal of this efficient means to accomplish a given end are not difficult to understand.

What starts off as a simple email exchange or an innocent chat room encounter can quickly escalate into an intense and passionate Internet affair, often leading to secret phone calls and orchestrated real life encounters. The more communication that occurs, it has been shown, the more likely there is for an actual real life encounter. However, there are just as many participants who simply go from one cyber relationship to another, and never have any real life encounters with any of them. This behavior is seen as an "escape" from everyday life and its inherent burdens.

Internet - A Society Unto Itself

In order to better comprehend the enormity of this phenomenon taking place, it is important to recognize that the Internet today represents a society unto itself. And societies, in order to function productively, must employ sets of rules for interaction of members of that society. In real life in America, men and women operate each and every day in line with copious rules, most of which do not even need to be considered consciously as they are adhered to by society’s members automatically and without thinking.

These codes of behavior represent the socially constructed reality by which we as members of a society live by. Within a society, the members - or, actors - operate together over time to develop their culture. Based upon that reasoning, the Internet poses a whole new definition of a functional, interactive society, in the sense that it is comprised of actors who interact with one another, and indeed have formed a sort-of "culture"; however, that culture is not subject to the same rules as is the culture we adhere to in everyday, "real" life in the physical realm. There is, in fact, surprisingly little transference of those same rules we consider commonplace that guide our everyday behaviors to the rules (or lack thereof) that govern behavior that is acceptable to engage in on the Internet.

If people define their situations as real, their consequences will be recognized as real as well; in line with that thinking, it can be argued that the perception of Internet adulterers is that their situation is truly not real, and therefore, not subject to the same codes that must be adhered to in the real realm.

Evidence of the degree to which this phenomenon has expanded - that of a cyber-society absent the same rules as physical society - is the preponderance of websites that are designed specifically for this purpose - to encourage Internet infidelity. A curious husband or wife may at any given time on the Internet secretly peek into one of these such rooms, with titles such as the MarriedM4Affair, Cheating Wife, or Lonely Husband; the numbers of participants in these websites and the perceived permissiveness of their engagement in Internet infidelity behaviors is nothing less than unsettling.

Those people who are shown to participate in these forums on the Internet would be otherwise deemed "normal", non-deviant members of society. The decisions made by the participants that in turn result in this behavior are based upon the individual’s definition of the social situation; it is then theorized that the perception held by those individuals is that their definition of that social situation - behaving in that manner on the Internet - is neither consequential nor deviant, based upon the fact that it is perceived to lack any consequence that would dictate otherwise. Actions result from decisions made by us through the manipulation of the situation in our minds, and acting upon that manipulation by the choices that we make.

Real Life Versus Internet

Adultery itself is becoming more common in our society, according to statistics, and researchers are finding that women are just as likely as men to have an affair. A 2003 study found that 29 percent of married people under 25 had had an extramarital affair, with no statistical difference between the number of men and women who chose to be unfaithful to their spouses early in life.

By comparison, only 9 percent of spouses in the 1950s under the age of 25 had been involved in extramarital affairs. Another study concluded that by age 40, approximately 60 to 65 percent of husbands and 45 to 55 percent of wives become involved in an extramarital affair.

Real-life affairs are typically more than a one-time event. A 2004 study surveyed 200 men and women and found that their affairs lasted an average of two years. These affairs - just like traditional relationships - were seen to go through transitions over time. They may begin as romantic, sexual, or emotional relationships and may become intimate friendships. There is evidence that those affairs that later turn into friendships may indeed last for an entire lifetime, providing no discovery was made of the initial nature of the relationship by the married partner.

Internet affairs differ from these other real life affairs, however, in that they may not involve a physical component; however, often the emotional attachment is still there. Internet affairs develop because of the dual attraction of attention and anonymity, and surprisingly enough, it is the anonymity that often encourages the emotional investment, as it is seen as an investment without the risks that are felt to exist in real life romantic scenarios. It is the anonymity that in turn feeds the addictive nature of these sorts of affairs based upon the unknown of the affair partner.

They can be as beautiful and intelligent as the Internet participant’s dreams can imagine; the fantasy is fueled simply by the lack of information.
Internet affairs are predominantly fantasy-based; on many occasions, when the choice is made to meet in real life, that is when the true danger begins. These kinds of affairs can be very seductive; an Internet addict calls out to a spouse "one more minute" just as an alcoholic justifies "one more drink". Social and emotional needs are met, flirting is allowed and even encouraged, and an illusion of intimacy feeds the addiction that has caught so many unsuspecting Internet advocates off their guard.

Internet affairs typically develop because the cyber relationship meets various social and psychological needs; self-esteem needs often appearing at the top of that list. Self-esteem needs are met through knowing, understanding, and acceptance. Psychologists say that those needs are enhanced through talking intimately about feelings, thoughts, and needs. Even though online affairs may not involve a physical component, the emotional attachment can be just as strong and even overwhelming. And when they end, this strong attachment often can leave the participant in emotional pain.

Perceptions

One question often debated is whether an Internet affair is as harmful as a "real world affair" in which the partners physically meet. There seems to be a belief held by many that affairs that occur on the Internet in this manner -entirely anonymous and absent any real life contact - are not as consequential or serious as those that occur in the physical realm; some even believe their existence is entirely harmless.

There was a qualitative study conducted in 2000 of 94 people who had a partner engaged in an Internet affair. These are the reported results of that study:

in almost 40% of cases, Internet affairs led to real life intimate encounters
30% of online affairs began after the partner had a history of compulsive sexual behaviors
after learning of an Internet affair, spouses reported feeling angry, hurt, and betrayed, as well as feeling they had to "measure up" or compare favorably with affair partners, just like people who discover a partner having a real world affair
over 20% of the couples split up or divorced after the online affair was discovered
almost 70% of the couples with an online affair had experienced a significant decrease in relationship sex during the course of the online affair
Another similar survey conducted among married men and women asked the questions of whether Internet affairs carry the same weight of evil as a real life affair; over 60% of the men and women surveyed agreed that the Internet affair, without a physical encounter, was just as destructive as one that occurred in real life. When asked if they would leave their partner and dissolve the marriage upon such a discovery, 66% of the men and 802 percent of the women surveyed said that yes, they would leave and divorce their married partner.

Why Participate?

Is this a matter of free choice? According to Mead, "freedom is the control of the [social] actor over his or her own action". However, action that does not result from direct thought or perhaps even conscious decision - impulsive, if you will - Mead would argue is not a result of that decision-making freedom.

These sorts of acts may often even surprise the actor that is committing them in the first place, when confronted with the reality of the behavior they have chosen.

There is justification often given when confronted with such decision-making, however; the justification of perceived boredom in the marriage, or of somehow not garnering adequate rewards through the marital process.

A University of Florida researcher, Beatriz Mileham, studied Internet infidelity as part of her doctoral dissertation, interviewing 76 men and 10 women who used popular chat rooms for the "Married But Looking" crowd. Most of the participants insisted they loved their spouses, but were still compelled to seek a romantic encounter via the Internet due to boredom or their partner's perceived lack of interest in sex.

It could be said that society is largely to blame for this problem, as we are taught from a very young age to have grandiose and largely unrealistic expectations of marriage. We watch romantic pictorials in television and media, and are socialized from a very young age to believe that marriage should be effortless and unexceptionally fulfilling to us as individuals. When "real life" sets in, and what is found is contrary to those ideals we’ve been brainwashed into striving for, what is experienced is an overwhelming sense of letdown.

Life, as it were, let us down, as our expectations were not met as we had believed they would be. Couple that with the messages in our society about what will make each of us truly happy as individuals, and the self-serving music behind the words of capitalism, and the stage is undoubtedly set for people to relish an avenue to pursue those ego-gratifying needs. However, the reality of consequence still exists in the physical realm; so, in line with the growing efficiency needs of our culture and society as a whole, the Internet is introduced, and has indeed provided an avenue for this sort of gratification without any perceived risk of physical-realm, real-life consequences.

Many people falsely assume that the primary reinforcement to engage in adultery is the sexual gratification received from the erotic and sexual behavior engaged in on the Internet. Studies have shown the experience itself is reinforced through a type of addictive "high", providing an emotional or mental escape and serving to reinforce the behavior, in turn leading to further compulsivity.

A lonely wife in an empty marriage can escape into a chat room where she is desired by an Internet affair partner. A sexually insecure husband can transform into a hot lover on the Internet that all the women in a given chat room may actually fight over. While sexual fulfillment may provide the initial reinforcement, the more potent reinforcement is the ability to cultivate a subjective fantasy world whereby the Internet identity can escape the stresses and strains that they face in real life.

The courts, however, have argued that the role of online compulsivity as a mental disorder in the defense of online sexual deviancy cases. For example, one landmark case, the United States versus McBroom, successfully demonstrated that the client’s downloading, viewing, and transferring of Internet pornography was less about erotic gratification and more about an emotional escape mechanism to relieve mental tension.

Gender Bias?

Are women any more at risk, or vice versa? Research indicates that the percentage of women who have extramarital affairs has increased the last few decades. In 1953, Alfred Kinsey found that 29 percent of married women admitted to at least one affair. However, this does not indicate that women are more prone than men to have an affair; this merely indicates that women are more prone today than they were in the past to engage in such behavior. Men still carry the leading statistic on infidelity in marriages; the reason that there has been so much more recent investigation into the rates among women is because our society has practiced an attitude of greater acceptance toward this same behavior in the male population through history.

Today, more women are employed outside the home than ever before; and, as may be expected, women who are employed are more likely to have an affair than full-time homemakers. One study found that 47 percent of wives who were employed full-time and 27 percent of full-time homemakers had been involved in an affair before they were 40 years old.

Men and women have affairs for different reasons. Research has shown that women seek affairs in order to be loved, have a friend, and feel needed. Men seek affairs for sexual fulfillment, friendship, and fun. Women report feeling thrilled by their lover’s interest in them physically, emotionally, and intellectually. They are also excited about the chance to know a different man; they experience intimacy with their cyber-lovers because they can talk about their feelings openly. The anonymity often serves as a defense mechanism, rendering the participant immune to any fear of rejection as is typical in real life relationships. When these affairs end, many women feel a great deal of guilt with regard to their husband and children.

Men report feeling excited about the sexual experience of the affair. They try to control their feelings in the affair, and their emotions may not compete at all with their feelings for their wife. Men also feel guilt and regret over deceit when an affair ends, but less so than most women.

Consequences

The obviously most significant social consequence of any incidence of infidelity is divorce. Today's divorce rate is higher than 50 percent - and it seems to be increasing. While an affair that is discovered does not have to necessarily lead to divorce, that is often the reported result. Approximately one- third of couples remain together after the discovery of an adulterous affair, while the other two-thirds end the marriage in divorce. Divorce lawyers and marriage counselors claim that Internet infidelity is indeed now one of the leading factors in marital breakdowns.

According to the President of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, Internet infidelity has accounted for a growing trend in divorce cases. However, the nature and scope of marital dissolution caused specifically by Internet infidelity has been greatly underestimated due to the Internet’s current popularity as a technological advancement. Furthermore, healthcare professionals, especially marital and family therapist who are most like to deal with such couples, are often unfamiliar with the dynamics associated with relatively new concept of Internet affairs and the electronic process of virtual-based "cheating".

A lesser-known fact is that those who divorce very rarely marry the person with whom they are having the affair. A survey of 4,100 people showed that only 3% who divorced their spouse later married their affair partners. Even further, the divorce rate among those who married their affair partners was over 75 percent; reasons for that high divorce rate include intervention of reality, guilt, expectations, and a general foundation of distrust in the marriage - not necessarily the incidence of another affair.

The lowest rate of divorce in married couples, logically enough, are those couples who report no incidence of affairs - either over the Internet or in real life.

Conclusion

Peggy Vaughn, the author of The Monogamy Myth, serves as an expert on problems caused by infidelity. She predicts that one role of the Internet in the future will be as an increasing avenue and source of affairs. She is writing a second book on the subject of adultery and says she could base half of it just on the letters she receives from people who started an affair online.

With the growing number of citizens who access the Internet every day, this is a social trend that can be expected to continue. Based upon the far-reaching expanse of the Internet, no one can claim they are immune to its charms. The appeal of Internet affairs in our society today should serve as a signal that we may need to re-think certain aspects of our lives in order to better and determine what is rooted in reality and what is not, as well as the consequences of crossing that boundary for ourselves. If we as a society do not find a way to do this, the successful future of the institution of marriage as whole remains tenuous.

Erzulie

Divorced Pastor Leads Church-Based DivorceCare Ministry

2008-02-09T06:22:00.000-08:00

By Scott Mims

Few things affect families like divorce. Having been described as "the death that keeps on dying," divorce has no semblance of closure such as when someone loses a spouse through physical death.

Then there is the pain of facing the public again after a divorce, which can result in people being treated differently and, sometimes, even the loss of friends.

Freddie Nichols, volunteer associate pastor at Clanton First United Methodist Church, knows the pain of divorce all too well. Knowing what a large percentage of the population is affected by divorce, he is helping to start a Divorce Care course at the church that will begin next month.

"I went through a divorce about five years ago, and it was one of the most painful, traumatic experiences of my life," Nichols admitted. "I felt completely alone, as if I were the only one going through it."

But recently, Nichols saw an advertisement for a Divorce Care course being held at Fraser Memorial United Methodist Church in Montgomery. It is a 13-week course that relates to people who are divorced, going through separation or divorce, or thinking about divorce.

"What I found was that there are a lot of people going through the same thing," Nichols said. "I found strength through being with others."

For him, being a pastor made the experience even more traumatic. Nichols felt that he had let his wife, his three daughters, his church, and himself down. But he found a catalyst in getting out of his room and getting into the lives of other people - people to whom he could relate.

"In this course, we come at it as having been there, and being able to relate to the people who come," he said.

Brenda Godbold, another church member, is assisting Nichols in leading the course, which will begin Feb. 12 at 6:30 p.m. and continue for the next 12 weeks. Each week will cover a different facet of the divorce experience including loneliness, depression, finances, and even learning how to date again.

While it may be a stereotype that churches are not very understanding of divorce, Nichols said First Methodist wants to reach out to the very significant portion of society affected by its pain.

He went on to add that 50 percent of all first marriages, 75 percent of all second marriages, and 95 percent of all third marriages end in divorce.

"There is a part of me that will never get over the pain of my divorce," he admitted. "But I had to learn how to deal with it and cope instead of living in the past, which is a place you can't do anything about."

Everyone is welcome to participate in the course. The only cost is $12 for the workbook, but the church doesn't want the cost to be an obstacle.

For more information, call the church office at 755-0490 or visit www.divorcecare.com or www.clantonfumc.org.

Secrecy: Should I Tell Others About My Spouse' Affair?

2008-02-08T19:02:00.000-08:00

Listen to following responses from members of BAN community (www.beyondaffairs.com)

Allison says:

I was very verbal about telling anyone and everyone about my husbands affair, IF it was relevant to the discussion. If someone asked about him, why he wasn't doing something, or if it affected my plans I told them what was going on. I NEVER saw it as my shame, only his, so did not hesitate to tell the truth. However, I never just brought it up as an announcement for no other purpose than to embarass him. By doing this I followed the princliple of "full disclosure" advocated by Dr. Harley, but never in a way that seemed to be vindictive or mean. As a result, I am able to look back and believe I always acted with integirty, even when he did not.

I am a big fan of Dr. Willard Harley's books and plan for marital recovery after an affair. I swear by "Surviving an Affair", "His Needs/Her Needs", and "Love Busters". I followed the principles in all three. Now that we are back together and actively working on our marriage, my husband swears it's because I followed the plans in these books that he woke up from affairyland and made the commitment to make our marriage better than it was before (and he has). The concept of full disclosure, Dr. Harley proposed, is that affairs can only survive with secrecy and with lies...that's why there are so many. Once affairs are out in the open with the light of REALITY shining on them, they can be seen for the ugly thing they are and they are much harder to maintain. My husband had tons of justifications for his actions when I was the only one who knew. But when our friends and family knew, he found it much harder to justify what he was doing. Also, whether they actually said anything to him or not, he "knew" they probably disapproved or questioned his actions, so he isolated himself from everyone. He began to miss the friends and family he'd always relied upon (probably even before he missed me) which depressed him and put additional pressure on him. The depression and isolation caused by this isolation (though it was self imposed) began to affect their relationship and helped it to end.

My only worry when I was telling people was how he'd feel IF we managed to work through this and get back together. While he did/does still suffer from shame whenever we reconnect with a friend he hasn't seen since his affair began, he accepts that he must face it and them as part of his "atonement". He was responsible for his actions; he needs to be responsible for facing the consequences.

I hated that he lied to and deceived me, so why would I help support these behaviors? By staying silent, I would have helped make it easy for him to continue with his affair. I absolutley did not want to do that!

I also told people whom I knew would provide me with support when I was having a hard time coping. When I first started telling those closest to me, he got very angry. I told him that he had HER for support and it was only right that I be entitled to seek support from those who cared about me.

So the telling had two purposes, first to get him to face the reality of his actions; second, so I could find support when I needed it.

It all worked out for me!

Alison

====================

CURT says:

Allison, I have read your message several times. My conclusion is that you have dealt with the situation more honestly and courageously than I have, and therefore more effectively. To a large extent I have not shared with other people. That leaves some of the consequences not fully dealt with by either of us, leaving a certain amount of buried resentment that surfaces in non-productive ways. She was not pleased with one group I had shared with, and has experessed concern that I may have shared with others. However at the time of the affair she said she did not know who knew about it. That means that in our community, there must be several people that know, but likely are not aware that I know, and are keeping the secret. Although I expect the personalities involved have something to do with disclosure, they should not be very limiting. Being quiet for the sake of harmony may be effective in the short run but not long term. I believe getting to know other couples at the Healing from Affairs weekend we attended was a significant part in the healing, but it still leaves un-addressed the people we are close to, family and friends. You have made some excellant points that I still ponder, and you have my admiration and respect. Curt

My Friends are getting a Divorce, what can we do?

2008-02-08T01:03:00.000-08:00

by Jim Smoke

"You won't believe what I just heard. Bill and Janet are getting a divorce!" Those two lines have stunned many of us at one time or another. When it happens to close friends, the clouds of disbelief, pain, anger, and frustration can be overwhelming to us. We immediately want to scream at both parties, "You can't do this!" Divorce just isn't supposed to happen to your Christian friends. But it does, and with increasing frequency. How can you help? What should you do? What do you say?

After spending 22 years in the divorce recovery field, I have discovered that there are three basic questions all separated and divorcing people need to answer. Those who try to help can often be the ones to ask these questions: Do both parties want to save the marriage? Will both parties accept professional help for as long as is necessary to save the marriage? Has a third party become involved with either of them?

As any trained counselor will tell you, you can't help anyone who doesn't want help. And it is extremely difficult to save a marriage when a third party is working overtime to destroy it. Nevertheless, I believe there are seven positive things you can do when the fabric of your friends' marriage is ripping apart.

1. Pray for them.

Prayer is a compassionate tool given by God to aid hurting people. Scripture commands prayer for one another and testifies to prayer's power (Eph. 6:18, Jas. 5:16). Prayer for hurting friends is not a last resort. It is a first resort. If the marriage is to be saved, it must be placed in larger hands than yours. Prayer enlists God's aid in the battle to save the marriage. It also helps remind you that your knowledge and skills are limited.

2. Don't abandon them.

It is easier to avoid people who are doing something you disagree with than to stand by them and spend time with them. People in pain need friends who love them. In 1 Thess. 5:14, Paul encourages his readers to "encourage the timid, [and] help the weak." The issues that push marriages into trouble usually take years to accumulate. Healing the broken places takes time. Getting involved will probably be costly. Make it your intention before getting heavily involved to stick with hurting people for as long as it takes. Remember, there is no quick fix.

3. Don't take sides.

Divorcing people often look for recruits to join their side of the imminent divorce battle. If you intend to help, stay neutral to both parties. Focus your attention on trying to help save the marriage instead of being lured by one side to throw rocks at the other. Everyone has a long litany of "who did what to whom," and "who is really to blame here." Always remember that your view of a collapsing marriage is from the outside, not the inside.

4. Try to get both of your friends to see a counselor.

Marriage counselors have skills you do not possess. They know how to stay neutral. Only recommend counselors who have a good track record of saving marriages. They are literally the paramedics for dying marriages. If the marriage is salvageable, they will have the best chance at saving it. You can even offer to go with your friends and pay for their appointment to show your concern.

5. Be available and listen with love.

Let your friends know you are available to listen any time they want to talk. Listen to them, supply Kleenex, and be willing to drink buckets of coffee. Hurting people need the physical presence of caring people when their lives appear to be unraveling. Listen more than you talk. Be sensitive to God's leading in these conversations.

6. Don't gossip about them to other friends.

Gossip is often the natural pastime for those who stand on the sidelines when other people's lives are crumbling. Never break a confidence that has been entrusted to you. One of the greatest dangers is to brag that "we are trying to help Bill and Janet put their marriage back together." Become a silent helper rather than a play-by-play commentator on the demise of someone else's marriage.

7. Don't play God.

God can save marriages that the whole world deems hopeless. I don't believe He calls those who help to be heralds predicting the final outcome of the process, however. Too many well-meaning Christians make spiritual statements about what they think God will or will not do. Scripture provides guidance, but it must always be shared gently and from a loving heart. Don't use harsh exhortation as a spiritual club to beat them up. Always let the Holy Spirit do the convicting. That is not your job.
My heart has been broken many times in the past 20 years as I have walked others through thousands of divorces. I wish I could have healed them all, but I could not. Over the years I have learned that many men and women have to pay the price for bad decisions others have made that have swept them into divorce. Jeremiah 29:11 is a verse of hope that has comforted many individuals experiencing the tragedy of divorce: "‘For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"

About the author:
Jim Smoke is the pastor of adult ministries at Grace Church in Cypress, California, and the author of Growing Through Divorce (Harvest House).

Triumphing Over Fear

2008-02-07T18:56:00.000-08:00

by Anne Brecht

An important, essential part of living a passionate life is having
adequate times for rest, rejuvenation, fun and quietness for spiritual
renewal. This is my fancy description of all the components a vacation
or holiday should include.

Today, I write to all of you with a message I feel compelled to share
inspired by my own time on holidays.

Every person experiences fear. The difference between victims and
victors in life is how they deal with fear. Victims are paralyzed by
it. Victors are afraid, but they move forward anyway.

It is said that "The difference between the person you are today and
the person you will be five years from now depends on the books you
read and the people you associate with."

During my holidays, I allow myself time to read books for fun, for me
that includes inspiring true stories. There is so much more to life
than our own self-centered worlds. Happiness is found in living your
life for others and for a higher purpose, not just for yourself. For
those of you who are dealing with the harrowing aftermath of an
affair, you are faced with the challenge of getting through this
somehow and finding life on the other side.

During my holidays, I read a book called "A Mighty Heart" by
Mariane Pearl, the true story of the death of her husband, journalist
Daniel Pearl, in the aftermath of 9/11 and ongoing terrorism by
religious extremists. I hope you can find courage in Mariane Pearls
courage. Her suffering is different than ours, but suffering all the
same, and she was never defeated although her husband, Danny, was
murdered. I pray for each and every one who are receiving this letter,
although you may be suffering, may you not be defeated. May you find
through the courage of others, your own courage to be a victor in your
circumstance.

Journalist Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered senselessly by
religious extremists in the wake of 9/11. His pregnant wife Mariane,
who loved him absolutely, waited in anguish for his safe return, but
to no avail. He was murdered senselessly, beheaded, his body cut into
ten pieces. Tastelessly his gruesome murder was videotaped and posted
on the internet, until authorities had it removed. That didn't help
much. CBS felt it was "newsworthy" and showed excerpts of this video
tape on worldwide television.

As I read the book, I realized Mariane's grief and suffering is much
like the grief and suffering of those who experience affairs, except
Danny will never be with her on this earth again. Some of us can
restore our marriages and experience a love stronger than we first
had. There is no sense comparing suffering.

Below are quotes from her book that may inspire you:

"If hope is our most powerful weapon, fear is the greatest threat .."
"I must not fear. Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little death
that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear, I will allow it
to pass over me and through me."

"And about the only way I can confirm Danny's victory of the spirit -
by pursuing life and striving to become happy again."

Mariane knew her husband was victorious in spirit because in the
background of photos sent to authorities while Danny was still alive
he was giving his captors the finger. His captors didn't know what
the gesture meant. What about an affair survivor? Is not the voice
of victory in pursuing life and striving to become happy again?

Initially Mariane toyed with the idea of suicide. Why live when such
tragedy has befallen us? But she writes:

"Maybe the choice isn't between living and dying. Maybe it is between
victory and defeat"

Mariane writes of her meeting with President Bush after confirmation
of Danny's death:

"But what he really wanted to understand from me was "How come you're
not bitter?" I told him that if I let bitterness overcome me, I would
lose my soul, ... This, I told the President of the United States,
is my biggest battle."

So it is with us. Our biggest battle is not with our spouse's, rather
it is with ourselves in not becoming bitter.

Mariane Pearl wrote: "I have to confront the truth, because it is
like an enemy: If you turn your face from it, then you are crushed by it."
Finally (although she never watches the video footage of her husband's
gruesome death at the hands of terrorists) she faces in her mind the
truth of the suffering her husband endured. She imagines it for two
days.

"They are the craziest days of my life, but I have to do this, AND
I HAVE TO DO IT ALONE. When it is over, I know nothing can happen
anymore that I don't have the courage to fight within."

In her books epilogue, Mariane includes what happened to those who
walked this journey with her and includes many sympathy letters she
received from people all over the world. As I read this my husband is
watching a heroic movie on television. The music by coincidence
provides the perfect emotional background to all I've read and tears
run down my cheeks, tears about the suffering in this world, the
suffering I endured, Mariane's suffering and your suffering.

"World is not a nice place, but one must find happiness on their own."
"As the orchestra played Tchaikovsky's Symphony No.5, I finally
understood the triumph of hope over despair."

"I had just experienced how barbaric human beings can be, and I was
about to bring a child into the world. Living through the nightmare
was like falling into a well. Those letters - your letters - have been
a rope that, word by word, allowed me to raise my hopes again and see
the light at last."

"I am convinced that if we ultimately overcome terrorism and the
spread of hatred in the world, it will be because there are millions
more on this earth like those who wrote to me. We call them ordinary
people. To me each one is extraordinary."

For each of you who are suffering, if your story were told on television,
you would receive letters of encouragement and empathy from all over
the world too. You can read the letters to Mariane in her book, and
pretend they are your own letters.

"Take courage for something good, however small, will always come out
of such a tragedy - or so I believe."

"Good people make this world worth living in."

School Prayer by Diane Ackerman

"I swear I will not dishonor
my soul with hatred,
but offer myself humbly
as a guardian of nature,
as a healer of misery,
as a messenger of wonder,
as an architect of peace."

New Year 2008 Message from Anne Brecht

2008-01-02T19:38:00.000-08:00

I wanted to take a moment and wish you all the best for the New Year. I hope that all of you had a good holiday. Realistically I know it has likely been a difficult time for most of you.

As we enter the New Year, I've spent a lot of time reflecting on my own life, and how far I've come ... how far my marriage has come. In 2000, really a mere 8 years ago, I never in a million years would have believed that my life could be so good, that I would ever be as happy and blessed as I am today. I share this to give all of you hope.

Many of you think, I'm extra special, extra strong, extra forgiving or something. I'm not. What I have managed to achieve of happiness, any of you can achieve.

"A happy person is not a person with a certain set of circumstances, but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes."

I'm not minimizing the time it takes to heal from affairs. You do have to grieve your loss,be angry, be sad, and go through the process to heal, but if you apply yourself to the process with an unstoppable will to get beyond this and get your life back, you can heal, be happy again, and even create the life you want for yourself.

I use the word "create" the life for yourself, to share with you one of my personal secrets to getting beyond the pain. The secret is CHOOSING to see myself as a victor in life instead of as a victim. I know we are "victims" of the affair, and we didn't deserve for this to happen to us, but we don't need to stay in victim mode.

A victor in life believes "I create my life." A victim believes "Life happens to me." Basically that some people are lucky and some people are unlucky and where we are in life is merely a matter of chance. The problem with viewing life this way is it's pretty darn depressing.

We are not in control of things that happen to us necessarily, although our attitudes and thoughts will certainly have some bearing on that, but we are totally in control of the way we choose to react to the circumstances that come into our lives.

Over Christmas, I took some time to read a book for fun ... not another book on affairs and relationships, like I'm usually always reading, and I read the book "The Secret."

I know the book is controversial, but most of the life principles presented in the book are ones I agree with and live by, and they are biblical which may concern some of you. (most are biblical - not all.)

Here's a synopsis of the secret as I see it.

1. Whatever you are thinking about all the time will have a tendency to eventually become reality in your life.

"As a man thinks in his heart, so is he."

Henry Ford is quoted as saying "Both he who says he can, and he who says he can't are right."

If you think you'll never have a real loving marriage, you probably won't, if you think you'll never get a good job, you probably won't, if you think no one will like you, you'll probably put off negative vibes and many people won't.

However, if you can dream the future life you want, write it down, start thinking about it, that's the first step to "attracting" that kind of life to you.

2. ASK for what you want.

"You have not because you ask not."

BELIEVE that you are going to have what you want (often a trickier part)

"Ask and you shall receive that your joy may be full."

"Faith is the substance of things hoped for and yet not seen."

And the last part of this step is to actually RECEIVE. Some of us really have a difficult time with this. We see ourselves as not worthy of having good things in our lives and when they come to us we subconsciously sabotage ourselves from receiving it.

3. Have a grateful heart. Be thankful for what you do have.

This is just a brief synopsis, and of course many of us may even have differing views on this... you are extra special to me and I wanted to give you something of value to start your new year with.

I recommend closing your eyes and being quiet for some moments. Imagine the way you
want your life to be. Create it in your mind. Be detailed. Imagine you are living that life. How do you feel? what do you see? Then write it all down.

Then write another list. Sit down and think about all the things you are thankful for that you do have now.

May 2008 be an amazing year of healing and blessings for all of you.

Sincerely - Anne Bercht

PS - I'm typing this email from Malaysia. I will be traveling until Jan. 27. I plan to stay in touch as usual while doing so, but just wanted you to know in case I don't respond within 24 hours ... which is the standard I aim for.

“I forgave my cheating mate” (Chelsea Kaplan)

2007-12-28T22:27:00.000-08:00

If your mate has cheated, forgiving and forgetting might be nearly impossible, right? Well, some people are able to give their straying sweeties another chance. Here, they tell their stories... and give the rest of us plenty of food for thought!

I forgave my mate…

…because she seemed genuinely remorseful
“After my girlfriend came to me and admitted she had hooked up with another guy, I was crushed. When she told me, though, she seemed so genuinely sad and sorry. Because of this, I decided to forgive her and not break up with her. I could tell she really realized she had messed up and would have done anything to turn back the clock and do things differently. Her being that sincere made me willing to give her another shot.”
– David, 28, New York, NY

…because there were kids involved
“I forgave my husband after he cheated on me because we had kids together. For their sake and the sake of our family as a unit, I felt like I had to at least try to make things work instead of just immediately kicking him out, which is what I really felt like doing. We’ve worked on things a lot, and now we’re on the road to getting back on track. It was hard to forget, but I can honestly say I forgave him.”
– Dawn, 32, Raleigh, NC

…because everyone deserves a second chance
“After my boyfriend cheated on me, I was so hurt. I still loved him, though, so deciding what to do wasn’t really black and white for me. After a lot of back and forth, I decided to forgive him. My friends thought I was crazy, but for me, letting go of someone I cared about so much because of one mistake wasn’t something I could do. I figure that everyone deserves a second chance, but not a third. If he does it again, he’s out, but for now, I’m willing to forgive him.”
– Talinda, 26, Glen Oaks, NY

…because there was alcohol involved
“My girlfriend kissed another guy right in front of my face at a New Year’s Eve party. We had both been drinking a lot. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, and I nearly lost it. However, the next morning after we had sobered up, we talked about it and I chalked up the experience to the alcohol. To be honest, if some girl had approached me that night, I was so wasted, I may have done the same thing. It was just one of those stupid, drunken screw-ups, so I got over it. And we learned a lesson about how much to drink, too.”
– Alan, 23, Fresno, CA

…because he agreed to go into couples counseling
“When my boyfriend admitted to cheating on me, I was conflicted about what to do. I still loved him, but I couldn’t see staying with him and still trusting him. I proposed we go to couples counseling to work on our relationship, and he was in complete agreement. He was very honest and open in the counseling, and seemed committed to working on our issues and making sure we moved forward in a way that involved better communication. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done — much harder than I expected! — but we noticed a real improvement in our relationship as a result of the counseling, and it helped me find a way to forgive him and move on.”
– Jane, 31, Alexandria, VA

…because I loved her—and her family
“I didn’t grow up in a very large or particularly close family, so when I began dating Catherine, who was one of a tight-knit clan of six brothers and sisters, it was like instant family. They were all so warm and fun to be around; it was a total relationship bonus. Things were going really well until I found out that she had cheated on me. I was very upset, so when she begged me to try to work things out, it was tough to say yes. When I thought about losing her, though, I couldn’t imagine that—both because of my feelings for her and for her family. I decided to give it another go-around, and so far, we’re doing a good job of working on moving past it.”
– Trey, 29, Lansing, MI

…because I’d almost strayed before, too
“In the very early stages of my relationship with my boyfriend, I sort of cheated on him with my ex. Technically, maybe I didn’t cheat, but I definitely crossed a line... I never told him because I realized it was a huge mistake that I’d never make again. A few months later, he admitted he had cheated on me with one of his business school classmates. I was hurt, but I felt like I didn’t really have much of a right to be upset with him, considering what I had done. I chose to forgive him and give him another chance, because I know that people all make mistakes. We’re both going forward with a new sense of commitment, and I’m feeling very hopeful about our future together.”
– Nicole, 25, Jersey City, NJ

Chelsea Kaplan is deputy editor at www.thefamilygroove.com. Her blog, “I’m Somebody’s Mother?” can be found at www.rumymother.blogspot.com.

Happy Single Holiday by Sharon Smalls

2007-12-22T00:22:00.000-08:00

www.divorcecare.org

I remember how I felt the first holiday season following my marital breakup. I found myself dreading what had been one of my favorite times of the year. I was upset for two reasons. First was the thought that I would be alone that year for the first time in more than ten years. Although I wasn’t ready to become involved with someone, I was accustomed to at least having an arm to hold at holiday festivities (one of the many advantages of having a partner). So I found myself feeling incomplete.

Making matters worse, everywhere I looked—from television commercials to shopping malls—I saw “happy couples” doing “happy things” together: playing in the snow, romantically meeting on New Year’s Eve, lugging a tree home together. These images only served to reinforce my feelings of loneliness.

Second, I was increasingly anxious about encounters with relatives. I didn’t look forward to questions or comments regarding my divorce. It was personal and painful, and I wanted to keep it private.

I made it through that first year, and the next, and the next. Now, five years later, I’ve healed much, and once again I enjoy the holidays. However, I still experience the temptation to give in to loneliness or discouragement, especially when I am invited to affairs where couples will be. But my current struggles are not over a relationship gone bad, but learning to accept my “state” (Phil. 4:11) and maintaining a proper focus.

Let’s face it, for us single sisters, the holidays can be difficult, and even painful—especially when we desire to spend them with someone special. The temptation to feel incomplete, discouraged or even depressed can be overwhelming.

For you singles who were a “couple” last year but who, through divorce, widowhood, separation or the breakup of a courtship, find yourselves alone again, it can be downright devastating to face family members without your significant other. People may try to pretend all is normal, or they may feel it necessary to comment. But there is always a degree of discomfort accompanied by the continual reminder of failure and loss.

For those who just haven’t found “Mr. Right,” there’s pressure from well-meaning family members to get hitched, especially those who see you only this time of year. If you’ve been there, then you know all too well the questions and comments. Probably the worst is “I can’t understand why someone as nice … pretty … smart … ________ (you fill in the blank) as you can’t find someone.” Their intentions may be good, but they don’t realize their comments have the effect of pouring salt on an open wound.

Whatever your situation, if you’re plagued by feelings of loneliness or find yourself dreading the holiday season because of the lack of a mate, you can still experience victory in your single life even through the holidays. Here are several ways we as single women can make it through this sometimes-difficult period.

Get close to God
Remember that the God of all comfort knows your pain and heartache, your longings and desires. If we stay close to God, He will comfort our hearts, ease our pain, and in due time, give us the desires of our hearts. We can give our anxiety to the Lord because of His great care for us (1 Pet. 5:7).

If you find yourself broken or hurting because of a failed relationship or loss of your mate, allow yourself time to heal. Spend time with the Lord, who promises to comfort us and give us strength through the joy that He provides. Do not sorrow, for the joy of the Lord is your strength (Neh. 8:10). While happiness is circumstantial, joy is not.

When we bring it all to God and allow Him to minister to us, waiting patiently for Him to do His work in us, we can look forward with confident expectation to His renewing us. “[B]ut those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint” (Isa. 40:31).

Learn contentment
What helped me during this period was to recognize the trick of the enemy, which was to get me to focus on my desires, rather than on God’s purpose for my life. This leads to discontentment, which can cause us to become ungrateful.

Paul says in Philippians 4:11–13: “I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” Paul didn’t just instantly possess contentment; he had to learn it. That involved a process of going through painful, difficult trials.

Through my own experiences I have found the process of becoming content involves developing a greater trust in God—truly believing that God is in control and knows what is best for me—submitting to God’s will for my life, and remembering to give thanks, no matter what my situation. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Phil. 4:6–7).

Marriage and single life both have their share of sorrows and struggles, advantages and disadvantages, valleys and mountaintop experiences. The enemy works hard to convince us the grass is greener on the other side. We need to work equally hard at trusting God and becoming content in our situation.

Focus your spiritual lens
Once I realized Satan’s strategy, I was able to bring my spiritual lens into focus. Then I could see clearly the need to focus on serving others, and I began to take advantage of some of the many opportunities available for outreach, such as visiting people who are homebound, praying for the problems of others and lending a helping hand to make life better for others.

I focused on the work God had called me to do. He was able to minister to my loneliness and pain and to bring joy and fulfillment to my heart as a result of doing for others.

Handle relatives’ inquiring minds
In time, I found it helpful to develop a strategy for dealing with well-meaning relatives and friends. What worked for me was to respond to questions or comments by requesting them to pray for the situation, without going into any detail. I would then switch the subject. They caught on and left that topic alone.

It is also helpful to understand that many of our older loved ones (parents and grandparents) are communicating a desire to see us become “whole” or “complete” in their lifetimes. Unfortunately, they believe this can only be accomplished through marriage.

As we grow in Christ, we learn that wholeness has nothing to do with our marital status, but everything to do with our relationship with the Lord. Being close to God helps us learn contentment and gives us the right focus.

Have fun!
The Lord also reminded me that He wanted me to have a balanced life, so in addition to ministry involvement, I now make sure I take time to enjoy myself in the Lord!

One year I planned a singles fellowship where we shared music, songs, and poetry and played games. Everyone had a great time. Ask the Lord to show you how to have a good time! He will!

Be complete in Christ
If you are desiring companionship, remember that you are not a “half” on a perpetual search for the other part of yourself. We are complete in Christ. God intended us to be whole people, designed for great things in the Lord. When we look back at what we once experienced, we can feel less than complete.

I am learning how to press toward becoming all that Christ has in store for me—a victorious life, one of fullness and completeness! “Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward … the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus” (Phil. 3:13–14).

Remember the reason for the season
During this holiday season, keep in mind that this is a prime opportunity for us to be used by God to affect our world for Christ and to be a blessing to those in the sphere of influence God has given us. It’s the perfect time to share the gospel message, a message of hope and reconciliation to a dying, hurting world.

In return, God will bless us and provide periods of refreshing, filled with joy and peace. And God will do it in a way that exceeds in abundance all that we can ask or think according to God’s great power at work in us!

If you are not part of a DivorceCare divorce recovery support group program, visit www.divorcecare.org or call 800-489-7778 to find a group near you. At DivorceCare, you can find hope, discover help and experience healing in a safe place where others understand the emotions, fears and confusion you may be experiencing this holiday season.

This article originally appeared in the Winter 1999 issue of Excellence Magazine.

Find Your Life Preserver by Rick Reynolds

2007-10-19T21:34:00.000-07:00

As a boy I took a course in lifesaving. This may come as a surprise to some, but I actually passed it. I even remember “rule #1,” never, never, never get into the water with a drowning person. Trying to save a drowning person can well result in your own death. Not that they intend to drown you, but at the moment of crisis they’ll grab whatever possible in a frantic attempt to keep from going under. If you’re nearby, then you just might be the most convenient available platform. Survival instincts can cause us to respond in unnatural ways.

Strangely enough, couples are a lot like drowning swimmers. It’s not that they are trying to hurt anyone, but in a frantic attempt to keep from drowning, they have a strange tendency to use their mate, hurting them in the process. Rarely do I meet people whom I consider evil. Generally, each party in a relationship is genuinely liked and respected by friends and peers. Only in the context of their own marriage do they struggle. When you feel that you’re going down for the last time, it’s hard to have a calm and rational response set. Instead, you are desperately trying to survive.

I believe it’s good to have a “lifeguard” as we swim the swift currents of marriage. I define this as someone who has training and experience in the art of throwing a lifeline, someone who has been in the water and knows how to survive and who knows how to get you to a safe place.

For this very reason, the “ARC Mentorship” program was created. When you are in life’s biggest crisis, it’s incredibly helpful to have someone who has “been there and done that.” This person knows what it’s like to be drowning and can throw you a life line, giving hope in what seems a hopeless situation.

In our recovery, the couples reaching out to us made all the difference. Thankfully, God placed knowledgeable couples in our path who had successfully navigated the difficult currents created by betrayal. They spoke hope and were an inspiration in the fact that they had survived the most difficult circumstance either of us could imagine. They helped us understand what to do. They prayed for us. They cried with us. They celebrated with us. Bottom line, they made the journey with us and poured life and hope into our struggling hearts.

The only problem is, where do you find a good “lifeguard” when you need one? How do you locate someone who has had the necessary training? It’s not necessarily a therapist or counselor. Please don’t think I’m saying the services of a professional are not necessary. Frequently the services of professionals are imperative for a couple to survive. There are times, however, when due to their lack of personal experience, professionals may not have the skills or the understanding of what you are going through. As Francis Shaeffer said:

"Only the one who has been hurt can bring healing. The other person cannot. It is the one who has been hurt who has to be willing to be hurt again to show love, if there is to be hope that healing will come.”

It needs to be someone who truly knows what you’re going through and who has, if possible, been through your circumstance. Someone who understands the magnitude of the fear, the pain, and the instability. The person who has survived a betrayal and rediscovered life after infidelity may be closer than you know.

Recognizing the great benefit that hurting couples can receive from others who have already walked this difficult road, The Affair Recovery Center has formed a mentor network for our online community. We pair our members with an individual or couple who has been through a similar situation. All of our mentors have already gone through what you’re experiencing, and are standing by to reach out to those who are traveling the same difficult road. You don’t have to be alone. Whether through the ARC or elsewhere, there are others who are willing to reach out a hand to you.

Learn more about the ARC online mentors http://www.affairrecovery.com

Divorce and Remarriage: What Jesus Says

2007-10-09T13:55:00.000-07:00

Q: The New Testament seems to support divorce for a narrow range of reasons, but does it support remarriage?
—K.A.Miller, Wheaton, Illinois

A: There are three New Testament passages that bear most directly on the subject of divorce and remarriage. I suggest that when they are carefully considered, they prove to be both more demanding and less restrictive on the question of divorce and remarriage than evangelicals have often acknowledged.

Luke 16:18 is a very bold, straightforward saying that seems to settle the issue quickly: "Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery, and whoever marries a woman divorced from her husband commits adultery" (all quotations from the NRSV). Both divorce and remarriage are just plain wrong—right?

Almost all New Testament scholars agree that this saying is an abbreviation of a saying of Jesus that appears in its fuller form in Matthew 5:3132 in the Sermon on the Mount. After discussing his views contrasted with those in Judaism, Jesus remarks, "It was also said, 'Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.' But I say to you that anyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of unchastity, causes her to commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery."

It is noteworthy that Jesus clearly sees some circumstances that legitimize divorce. A marriage continues to be valid until one party dissolves the marriage through unfaithfulness. This so-called exception clause appears here in Matthew 5 and again in Matthew 19 but does not occur in either Mark or Luke.

Churches and Christian institutions are mistaken when they indiscriminately deny the possibility of leadership or remarriage after men and women have divorced.In a similar passage in Mark 10:1112, Jesus widens the scope of the teaching to show that such dissolution may apply to the behavior of either the man or the woman (even though in Jewish custom women could not divorce their husbands, Jesus includes women equally in his charge): "Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her; and if she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery." A more literal translation of "she commits adultery" reads, "she is adulterized," meaning if a woman is divorced without just cause, she is left in a valid marriage. Remarriage for her would, therefore, be adultery. In saying this, Jesus may very well have had in mind the practice of men discharging their wives without just cause, thereby exploiting them.

But how do we apply the "exception clause" today? Does Jesus only accept divorce as legitimate—but not remarriage for the innocent partner? In the Jewish society of Jesus' day, remarriage was always assumed for the innocent party unless prohibited for some particular reason. Unfaithfulness, therefore, would make a marriage invalid since a valid divorce canceled the marriage bond and allowed the innocent party to remarry exactly like a single person.

Jesus, in his radical kingdom commands, takes divorce very seriously. There is serious judgment for sin, but, at the same time, there is and should be no condemnation for the innocent.

"Why did Moses permit divorce?"
The second crucial passage is Matthew 19:312 (see also Mark 10:212). Here some Pharisees are testing Jesus' reading of divorce law. Jesus defends the permanence of marriage by appealing to Genesis—that the "two shall become one flesh." To answer why Moses permitted divorce, Jesus replies, "It was because you were so hard-hearted that Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for unchastity, and marries another commits adultery."

Note that again Jesus includes the "exception clause," which legitimizes divorces dissolved through unfaithfulness. The problem here has to do with Jewish laws that let men freely discharge their wives, often on spurious grounds. One great rabbi, Shammai, taught that the only basis for divorce was sexual unfaithfulness or adultery. But the Rabbi Hillel was more generous: "A man may divorce his wife even if she burned his soup … or spoiled a dish for him." Rabbi Akiba taught that divorce was acceptable "if he should find a woman fairer than his wife." Such divorces left women adrift in a male world, without hope of remarriage, and completely at a loss. Jesus is standing against such divorces of convenience.

He was also standing against the teaching that a man was required to dispense with his wife when he suspected unfaithfulness. (Consider Joseph's reaction when he learned of Mary's surprise pregnancy.) Jesus amends this, finding such behavior intolerable. Moses did not command his people to divorce wives, he permitted it. The springboard for right action should not be hard-heartedness, but charity. Jesus affirms once more that only if the woman has done something herself that irreparably ruptures the marriage can such a divorce be right. But it isn't a necessary response.

Many today have misread this particular passage to make two statements: (1) One cannot divorce his wife unless she has been unfaithful; (2) Whoever remarries commits adultery. But this is not the meaning. The active verb here is "commits adultery," and the entire sentence must be held together. It should be read, "Whoever does the following commits adultery: divorces his wife (except for immorality) and remarries another." Judgment is being placed not on someone remarrying but on someone remarrying after pursuing an illegitimate divorce. If the divorce is invalid, so is the remarriage. But the reverse is also true: if the divorce is valid, then re marriage must be acceptable, just as it was in commonplace Jewish custom.

"Not bound" to the marriage
A third important passage is found in 1 Corinthians 7, where Paul discusses Christian marriage. He echoes the teaching of Jesus, saying that husbands and wives are not permitted to leave each other but should work toward reconciliation. Then Paul addresses a subject that was foreign to Jesus and the Gospels. What if a Christian man or woman had a pagan spouse? Could there be spiritual union between two people when one worshiped idols? Paul affirms that Christians should not initiate a divorce because of the spouse's spiritual deficiencies: "If any believer has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her" (v. 12). The presence of a Christian in the marriage, Paul is saying, brings hope of salvation to the children and the family.

But then Paul makes one exception to Jesus' rule on divorce: If the unbelieving spouse deserts the marriage, the innocent spouse must work on reconciliation (vv. 1011), but in the end "is not bound." This final phrase in verse 15 is crucial. The innocent party is not bound to the marriage, and this includes women or men equally. This language echoes words directly from Jewish divorce law: "not bound" means that the innocent person is free to remarry.

Paul even reinforces his thought in 7:2628: "I think that, in view of the impending crisis, it is well for you to remain as you are. Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be free. Are you free from a wife? Do not seek a wife. But if you marry, you do not sin, and if a virgin marries, she does not sin." More literally rendered, Paul does not say "are you free," he says, "are you freed," meaning, someone who has been freed from a marriage, namely, someone who was married and divorced. Paul prefers they remain single because of the suffering of this age, but if they marry, according to verse 28, they do not sin.

In sum, Paul adds one more possible reason for a valid divorce: the desertion of a marriage by an unbelieving partner. In such a case, while the Christian spouse should not be eager to divorce, still, if he or she is a victim of divorce, he or she may remarry.

"The husband of one wife"
Finally, Paul makes some remarks about the nature of marriage in his pastoral letters that reflect on the issue of divorce and remarriage. In both 1 Timothy 3:2 and in Titus 1:6, Paul stipulates that bishops (1 Timothy) and elders (Titus) should be "married only once" or "the husband of one wife." These verses have led many Christian organizations to disqualify potential leaders who have ever been divorced. But I doubt that this is even near what Paul is thinking.

First, he may be referring to polygamy. While having multiple wives was against Roman law, still, it was legal in Palestinian Judaism even though monogamy was the norm. Jewish oral tradition, in fact, justifies having 18 wives. Thus, Paul may be saying that these Christian leaders must have "just one wife."

Second, evidence from Greco-Roman society indicates that some men did have concubines even though they were illegal in both Greek and Roman society. Paul may be making it absolutely clear: Christian men must be pure and moral in their marital relations. He is looking for leaders with stable family lives.

The New Testament, therefore, tells us that marriage is to be seen as a divinely instituted relationship between a man and a woman. It should be monogamous and permanent. However, there are two exceptions where divorce is valid: when a spouse is unfaithful and when an unbelieving spouse deserts the marriage. In each case, the marriage is dissolved and the innocent partner is free to remarry.

Divorce is the tragic result of what be comes of humanity as it wrestles with sin and brokenness. Whenever a marriage fails, we should mourn it as tragic. But there should be no error so grave that it cannot be forgiven; no mistake beyond the reach of grace.

Likewise, our God is a God of renewal and restoration. In some cases, this means restoring a marriage to its original partnership. In other cases—and I can think of many—it means that remarriage is an opportunity for renewal and new hope. This is why churches and Christian institutions are mistaken when they indiscriminately deny the possibility of leadership positions or remarriage after men and women have divorced. Such a position denies not only the spirit of Jesus' ministry but also misunderstands the grace of God in a broken world.

Story of John Osteen

2007-10-05T02:54:00.000-07:00

"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness" (1 John 1:9).

JOHN OSTEEN, founder of Lakewood Church and father of pastor Joel Osteen (www.joelosteen.com), was a divorced pastor. Here's how his son Joel told about the story of what happened to his father in his bestseller book, "Your Best Life Now:"

"We all make mistakes, but God does not disqualify us simply because we have failed. He's the God of another chance. You may have missed plan A for your life, but God has a plan B, a plan C, a plan D, and a plan E. God will always find a way to get you to your final destination if you will trust Him.

The Old Testament records how King David ordered a man murdered so he could marry his wife. But when David repented, God forgave him and still used him in a greater way.

A man named Saul hated Christians; he chased them down, persecuted them, and had them thrown in jail. Yet God forgave him, changed his name to Paul, and he ended up writing more than half of the New Testament.

Rahab was a prostitute, yet God used her to deliver the children of Israel. Nobody is too far gone, no matter what he's done. You need to know that God still loves you. He has a great plan for your life; He has not run out of mercy. If you have asked His forgiveness, God has already forgiven you. The question is: Will you forgive yourself? Will you quit living in guilt and condemnation? Will you let the past be the past and live today in an attitude of faith and victory?

That is what my father had to do. Daddy went through a tragedy early in life. He married quite young, and unfortunately that wasn't one of his better choices. Sadly, the marriage didn't work out, and he went through a divorce. Daddy was heartbroken. His dreams were shattered and he didn't think he would ever preach again. It was one of the darkest hours of Daddy's life. He was tempted to hold on to the hurt and pain, continually blaming himself. He could easily have allowed his disappointment and disillusionment to keep him from moving forward and fulfiling his God-given destiny.

But Daddy had to quit mourning over what he had lost; he had to learn how to receive God's mercy, and to start believing God for something better.

Maybe you've made some serious mistakes; you've done some things that were not the best for your life, and now you're living in guilt, condemnation, or with a sense of disqualification. You will remain trapped in those doldrums unless you learn how to receive God's mercy and forgiveness, and move on with your life.

That is what my father did. Daddy made a decision to receive God's mercy for his mistakes and failures. And little by little God began to restore Daddy's life and ministry. Daddy began to minister again, but he never dreamed he'd get married again and have another family.

Then one day he met a nurse working at one of the hospitals where he visited some of his church members when they were sick. For my Dad, it was love at first sight. He started looking for any reason he could find to stop by that hospital. I mean, he would visit your great-aunt's third cousin's next-door neighbor if you asked him! He was there so much, my mother told one of her friends, 'That minister has the sickest congregation I've ever seen!' She didn't realize at the time that Daddy was there to see her. To make a long story short, they fell in love and got married. God gave Daddy beauty for his ashes, and Daddy went on to touch the world.

He pastored Lakewood Church in Houston for more than 40 years, and today all five of my parents' children are working in the ministry. God took what the enemy meant for evil, and He turned it around and used it for good. But I don't believe that would have happened if Daddy had stayed trapped in the past, focused on his sadness and disappointments. I don't believe it ever would have happened if Daddy had not learned how to receive God's mercy."

Inner Demons: Elizabeth's Letter

2007-09-30T16:14:00.000-07:00

(This insighful letter was written by one of the American members of Beyond Affairs Network)

Nancy:

I agree with you, I too don't think Patti's letter focuses on what
is really destroying marriages today.

Trust me it is NOT pornography, open marriages, the gay or lesbian
couple next door or whatever else we choose to do in our homes or
bedrooms.

As you stated, I know an open marriage would not work for me. As
you, I too have a dear friend that chooses the concept of open
marriage. It seems to works well for her and her husband, they have
been married for almost 30 years, raised three beautiful children
and enjoy four grandchildren. KUDOS to them.

I watched the Oprah show that Patti references in her original post
and I watched the couple Oprah interviewed on open marriages. Again
it is not for me, but if it works for them, then what right do we
have to tell them no or lay shame at their feet for living their
life as they see fit.

I know in my own household, when I discovered that my husband had
been carrying on with the OT for six years off and on, it was the
deception and lies of our vows that shattered my soul. It was
listening to him explain his feelings of emptiness, being alone, and
feeling not wanted. At the same points in our lives I could go back
and re-read in my journal or look at pictures and realize that at
those times we were on vacation together, or sharing a romantic
evening at home. That is when I knew there was more to this affair
thing. My husband is VERY romantic, not a day goes by that he does
not tell me how beautiful I am, how sexy I look, how much he loves
me. He has always bought me gifts, cards and flowers, and our sex
life is certainly an 11 on a scale of 1 to 10. So why, why, why???
That is when I knew it was deeper, very much deeper. It is not
about sex and I know pornography didn't make him do it.

My husband's affair had NOTHING to do with sex. The act of sex makes
us as human beings "feel good", for that time when we are engaged in
the sexual act our minds and bodies are taken to another place
within our being. Within is affair, the actual act of sex could
have been good or terrible, however, it served only as a
temporary "fix" for the actual problem.

Pornography had nothing to do with my husband having an affair. The
reasons why my husband had an affair is seeded deep inside of him
and his subconscience. It stems from childhood and how he was made
to feel less than, unimportant, unaccepted and unvalued. It was how
his self image has been molded. Since childhood he has had to tuck
away emotion and certain situations. Now they lie painfully tucked
away in his soul. Yet they affect every part of his being.

The breakdown of the American family has nothing to do with
pornography or open marriages or even affairs. There are so many
other reason that the american famly is in trouble. I can't speak
for all, but I know that mine is not dissolving, it is becoming
stronger. And we still act like freaks when the door is closed and
locked and sometimes the lights left on.

I am reading a new book that I have been trying to get ahold of for
months now. Sexual Detours by Dr. Holly Hein. I can't put it down,
it explains so much. Why we choose a sexual detour as our excape
route.

Anne's book is right on too, saying that my husband's affair is the
best thing that happened to me, it is for me. Because it opened my
eyes to so many factors inside of our marriage that need to be
worked on. It made me a stronger person to deal with tragedy in
life. That is not to say if I found out tomorrow that he was having
another affair it would not hurt, but it would enable me to know
that I am not at fault, and I can acquire happiness without this
pain.

I fear that my husband will reoffend, and it is not because we lite
the candles, broke out the massage oil, toys and movies last night.
It is not because I feel he doesn't love me or want me, quite the
opposite is true, but rather it is because of the demons and unrest
that is within his conscience. The demons and unrest are what makes
him think that alcohol, drugs and sex can make the demons go away.
It doesn't make it go away, it places a bandaid on something; a
temporary feel good anticeptic. Tomorrow when you rip that bandaid
off the pain is still there, and it usually hurts worse. Then there
is another demon tucked in the closet, and another reason to try to
run away.

We have a good marriage, our foundation is good. We are spiritual
and religious people, we read the Bible, we pray together. My
husband has a steady and very good job. I want for nothing and if I
mention something he usually delivers, he spoils me rotten.
Although I wish he knew how to pick up socks, clean gutters and mow
the yard, he is a pretty good guy.

My husband chose a sexual detour because he is unable to deal with
the demons that haunt his from the inside out. We will continue to
work on that as well as our lives together.

With all respect,

Elizabeth

Secrecy: Isn't secrecy necessary to protect your children?

2007-09-30T05:35:00.000-07:00

From http://www.dearpeggy.com

Question:
I understand the need to be more open about affairs, but when you live in a small community and you are trying to protect your teenaged children by keeping them from finding out, then secrecy is necessary, isn't it? I feel that they don't need to share this burden.

Peggy's Response:

The above question refers to an article I have posted here on the website. (If you haven't read it, it's Breaking the Code of Secrecy.)

The concerns expressed in this question are understandable and legitimate, and I do NOT want to try to convince any particular person to go against their own judgment as to what's best in their own situation. But I do hope to have more dialogue about the pros and cons of more openness about this issue.

It's easy to see secrecy (especially as mentioned above in relation to teenaged children) as "necessary;" however, it's important to recognize that it's actually a choice that each person makes. And all choices involve consequences. And while it's easy to see the potential problems in being more open, we often fail to recognize the potential problems in not being honest. For instance, "family secrets" have a way of coming out at some point in the future, and the resultant turmoil becomes less about whatever "incident" was kept secret as about the dishonesty and deception involved. (This is all the more ironic in that the very basis of all affairs is a willingness to be dishonest and deceptive.)

Even more important, we fail to recognize the potential advantages in being more open and honest. For instance, the overall impact on our teenagers was a renewed appreciation for the importance of honesty. Our relationship with our kids had always been based on honesty, and this just put that commitment to honesty to the test. Our kids were 11 and 13 when we told them about our experience. They were 16 and 18 when we wrote a book about our experience back in 1980. (Of course, we were far more open than most people would be due to the fact that we wrote the book—and talked about it in the media.)

In fact, when a reporter from our local small-town newspaper came to our home to interview us, she was fascinated when our 16-year-old son entered the room, and wanted to ask him about his reactions. Here are some quotes from the article she wrote:

"Andy said, 'I guess Vicki and I were both aware that something was happening between our parents. It didn't shock me or anything when they told us. Vicki and I have always had a good relationship with our mother. We've always been able to talk to her. After they told us, I just figured they were still our parents, and we kind of went on from there.' Peggy said she and James felt they related well to their children because they were willing to freely communicate with them. 'That means telling them honestly how we feel as well as listening to them,' Peggy said. 'Most people are not exposed to an open, honest, growing relationship when they themselves are growing up."
(end of excerpt from Hilton Head Island Packet, July 1980)

In 1998 I was interviewed for another article that includes quotes from a phychotherapist about the potential "positive impact on the children" from disclosing an affair. See: Talking Honestly With Your Children. (As alluded to in this article, it's possible that giving kids a more realistic understanding of the risk of affairs may help them avoid having this experience in their own lives—which might be the most potentially positive benefit of all.)

There are, of course, other considerations (in addition to concerns about the children) that need to be assessed. Here are some excerpts from The Monogamy Myth that shed light on some other potential benefits of more openness:

Some Benefits of Speaking Out

There are several important messages being sent when you speak out about your own experience. You are rejecting the idea that the affair was caused by a personal inadequacy. (And, if you're still married, it shows you also understand it was not strictly a personal failure of your spouse.) This causes others to rethink their own attitudes. People expect you to feel embarrassed and ashamed; when you don't, it causes them to stop and wonder why.

Another important benefit of being open about your own experience is that it diminishes the sense of aloneness felt by those people who are still suffering silently, thinking an affair is only their personal problem. For instance, at the time we wrote Beyond Affairs, our daughter was a senior in high school. Her best friend asked the English teacher for permission to use our book as the subject of a book report. The teacher agreed--and read the book as well.

A few days later the teacher appeared at my door to tell me that she had known for some time that her husband was having an affair, but had not been able to talk to anyone about it. She knew her relationship was unrecoverable, but she hadn't been able to bring herself to take action. Learning about my experience helped her break her silence, prompting her to begin to face her own situation... Sometimes, all a person needs is to know they're not alone in order to break the code of silence for themselves. And all of us can participate in making this possible.
(end of excerpt from The Monogamy Myth)

The bottom line is that this issue may be a little like any major effort to change societal attitudes. The assumptions about affairs (that they only happen to "bad" people" or in "bad" marriages) are so ingrained that the first people to challenge these assumptions by openly discussing their own experiences may be unfairly challenged. While I don't mean to put this on the level of the civil rights issue or the women's rights issue, it may take that kind of commitment to change the old assumptions. As it is, people really don't know much about affairs—primarily because of the Code of Secrecy.

For my initial article on this issue, see: Breaking the Code of Secrecy.

P.S. As mentioned earlier, we were far more open than most people (in that we "went public" with our story), so our experience was not necessarily representative of the reactions to simply being open with those close to you. But for those who want to read about our experience in Breaking the Code of Secrecy, see: Reactions to Going Public.

NOTE:
A much more thorough understanding of the material covered in these
Questions is contained in my book, The Monogamy Myth.

Secrecy: Breaking the Code of Secrecy

2007-09-30T05:31:00.000-07:00

Breaking the Code of Secrecy
by Peggy Vaughan
http://www.dearpeggy.com

For many years I've struggled with the dilemma of how to help people recover from a spouse's affair while maintaining so much SECRECY about their experience. While I have scrupulously protected the privacy and confidentiality of all who have contacted me for help, I have nevertheless recognized that much of the difficulty in recovering is precisely due to the secrecy with which we all cooperate in maintaining—what I have called the Code of Secrecy.

So I want to invite (and encourage) everyone to make a commitment to work toward Breaking the Code of Secrecy. In fact, it can't be done without all of society playing a role in developing more responsible honesty about this problem (which, frankly, impacts almost everyone at some time in some way—whether within your own family or among your friends).

I deal with this issue extensively in my book, The Monogamy Myth—so I'm going to quote from those writings in hopes of helping everyone recognize their role in maintaining the Code of Secrecy.

Below is a very long series of excerpts from The Monogamy Myth:

THE CODE OF SECRECY
The most significant support for affairs in our society is the secrecy that surrounds them (and our infatuation with that secrecy). Because of the stories of famous people involved in affairs (and the way affairs are paraded before us every day in movies, television, and newspapers), there might not appear to be so much secrecy surrounding them. But where it really counts, in an individual's own life, there's still a tremendous amount of secrecy. In fact, there's a code of secrecy in our society that involves all of us and affects every aspect of this issue.

The basic attitude of the general public is that you can't talk about affairs. And closely aligned with this assumption is the belief that you shouldn't talk about them. Since many people see affairs as wrong, they feel that secrecy is appropriate. But by adopting this attitude, we are providing the kind of protection and support that actually increases the likelihood of affairs.

The code of secrecy provides a buffer from the world that makes it easier for a person to engage in affairs and to avoid dealing with the consequences, or even to seriously contemplate the consequences. We can't expect those who are having affairs to be more concerned about the effects of their behavior as long as the secrecy we all support serves to protect this kind of behavior.

There are a number of very specific ways secrecy protects the person having an affair: If their partner suspects, they're less likely to question them directly. If friends or co-workers know, they're less likely to tell the partner. If their mate finds out, they're less likely to tell other important people (mother, children, or the clergy). The person having an affair comes to count on this cooperation in maintaining the secrecy to which they are totally committed.

Never tell. If questioned, deny it. If caught, say as little as possible.
This is the basic code of secrecy among those having affairs.

CONSEQUENCES OF THE CODE OF SECRECY

One of the major consequences of the code of secrecy is the way secrecy compounds the problem for people trying to cope with their partners' affairs. The secrecy leaves them alone with their anxiety if they suspect and alone with their pain if they find out. It's quite possible that this isolation threatens a person's sanity even more than dealing with the affairs themselves.

It's clear that the secrecy in dealing with affairs is a critical factor in a person's struggle to recover from the emotional impact of this experience. Most people keep their pain hidden, if at all possible. Some people become obsessed with the idea of keeping their experience secret from others. One man said this was his most pressing concern, that, in fact, he had become almost paranoid about other people "knowing."

The process of keeping this information from others increases the feelings of shame and embarrassment (because if it weren't seen as shameful, it wouldn't need to be kept secret). And the longer it's kept secret, the stronger the feelings of shame. So the secrecy and the problem with self-esteem serve to reinforce each other.

Humiliation
After getting beyond the immediate devastation and the pain of being deceived, the person whose partner has had an affair is likely to feel humiliated that others know about it (and may have known it all along). For most people, this feels like a public loss of respect. Their embarrassment may cause them to avoid public groups and public gatherings because they think everyone will be whispering about them. And it causes many people to hide from everyone while they try to regain some of their self-esteem.

Shame
This goes beyond humiliation in that it assumes more than just the self-consciousness of others knowing about the affair; it includes feeling that others are judging them as responsible for it. Since affairs are seen as "improper" and "dishonorable," a person whose partner has an affair feels tainted by the situation and ashamed of the fact that it happened. They may be overwhelmed with feelings of remorse and regret for having married someone who would have an affair, further damaging their self-esteem.

OVERCOMING THE SECRECY ABOUT AFFAIRS

Despite the consequences of abiding by the code of secrecy, it's seldom that anyone even considers doing otherwise; but ignoring the code of secrecy can lead to a very different outcome. In one instance, the wife of a prominent businessman, family man, and community leader caught her husband having sex with his secretary on his desk. Instead of taking it personally and hiding it while she licked her wounds and decided what to do, she proceeded to talk openly about what had happened. It was not a very large community and soon virtually everyone knew the story. As you can imagine, the impact (both on him and on her) was significantly different from what it would have been had she abided by the more socially accepted code. She avoided the "pitiful" stereotype and showed she was a strong, confident person who recognized this was not a reflection of her worth as an individual or as a wife. And her husband had to face the consequences of his actions and share responsibility for dealing with the situation.

This may be an unusual way of reacting to this experience, but it illustrates how a lack of secrecy can alter the way the issue affects the people involved and the perception of others. If people cannot count on the code of secrecy to protect them, they may change their thinking--and their actions. And the other party will certainly feel stronger and be able to recover more quickly since they won't have to hide their head in shame, hoping others don't find out.

Most people personally dealing with affairs will continue to be controlled by the code of secrecy until there's a change in society's attitude. We can't expect them to share their fears or suspicions as long as we consider their silence to be appropriate behavior. A careful look at the impact of our silence indicates a need to redefine appropriate. It's certainly appropriate to try to alleviate the pain and anxiety of those who are suffering alone as a result of our silence.

One reason it has taken so long for society to recognize the seriousness of this problem is because of the secrecy. It's hard to talk openly when you take it personally, and it's hard not to take it personally if you are closed off from outside sources that could help in getting beyond the strictly personal interpretation.

It's always hard when people are breaking new ground and trying to go against the prevailing norms. It's not easy to speak out about personal experiences when society is saying it's not appropriate to do that. If those who want to be of help are to have any realistic chance of making a difference, it's up to all of us to help create a climate that makes it acceptable to discuss these issues more openly. It's a delicate subject, but it's time we made an effort to support those who are willing to speak out.

It took me several years to begin discussing my own experience. I didn't just wake up one day and decide to pour out my whole story. It was a very gradual process of telling a few people and getting such positive reinforcement for the value of the sharing that I increasingly expanded my openness in talking about it. This open discussion has been an extremely satisfying experience. My efforts to help others led to increasing my understanding and perspective of what had happened in my own life. The common bond of recognizing similarities in individual feelings and reactions is a great help in overcoming the sense of being so alone.

This need/desire for secrecy has always been a huge problem—and is based on the fact that people feel ashamed, embarrassed, "like a failure," etc. This is why I've always worked so hard to help people understand that:
--affairs are extremely prevalent
--affairs are not restricted to "bad" people or "bad" marriages
--affairs are caused by much more than just "personal failure"
--therefore, affairs do not need to be kept secret.

So now I want to increase my general effort to encourage more openness and less Secrecy. This state of mind that dictates "secrecy" and "staying hidden and anonymous" only makes a bad situation worse. As I've pointed out previously, when things seem "too awful to talk about" they often feel "too awful to get over." And the intense secrecy feeds right into this feeling, making it even more difficult for them to recover from the emotional devastation.

So I implore everyone to step up and take responsibility for supporting a safe environment for people to more openly share their experiences with this life-altering situation.

WHY IT'S EVERYBODY'S BUSINESS

The most immediate reason we need to be informed about affairs is because no one is immune from having affairs disrupt their lives or the lives of those they care about; they happen to all kinds of people, in all walks of life. Traditionally our attitude has been that unless it touches us personally, we deal with it by ignoring it, denying it, or condemning it. Unfortunately, this does nothing either to help deter affairs or to deal with their consequences. If we're to be the kind of caring, compassionate society we aspire to be, we can't turn our backs on the countless people who are suffering alone.

THE MONOGAMY MYTH

The Monogamy Myth is the belief that monogamy is the norm in our society and that it is supported by society as a whole. The effect of believing that most marriages or committed relationships are monogamous is that if an affair happens, it's seen strictly as a personal failure of the people involved. This leads to personal blame, personal shame, wounded pride, and almost universal feelings of devastation.

We need to reject the Monogamy Myth, not to excuse those who have affairs, but to relieve the sense of shame and inadequacy felt by their mates. Since they keep their shame and anger hidden, they seldom get enough perspective to completely recover from these feelings, regardless of whether they stay married or get a divorce. Surviving this experience if it has happened (or avoiding it if it hasn't) is best accomplished by dealing with reality, not holding on to a myth.

NEW HOPE FOR MONOGAMY

Monogamy is something most people say they believe in and want for themselves. Every survey ever done on this question shows a high percentage of people think monogamy is important to marriage and that affairs are wrong. But a belief in monogamy as an ideal doesn't prevent large numbers of people from having extramarital affairs. We need to make a commitment to face the reality of affairs and address the issue in a more responsible way, both individually and as a society.

This means challenging many of our most cherished beliefs about monogamy and affairs. It will be hard to question some of our old assumptions--and even harder to give them up. Our attitudes about monogamy and affairs are so ingrained that we find it difficult to consider anything that deviates from those beliefs. But it's essential if we're to gain understanding and perspective about this very emotional issue.

(end of series of excerpts from The Monogamy Myth)

To get more understanding of this issue, I encourage you to read the entire book.
It is available through most bookstores or can be ordered from Amazon.com.
We also have it available here on our Website in PDF format.
To purchase it in PDF for immediate download, see our list of eBooks.

To read about my own experience in "Breaking the Code of Secrecy," see:
My Personal Story of Dealing with Affairs.

And to read some of my Previous Questions and Responses on a related issue, see:
Isn't secrecy necessary to protect your teenaged children?
What about approaching a co-worker who is having an affair?

Also, you can gain more perspective about affairs in general by reading (or re-reading) the following articles:
The Prevalence of Affairs ("You're Not Alone")
Who has Affairs - and Why
Our Fascination with Extramarital Affairs
Peggy's Overview of Affairs

Anne Brecht's Letters to Betrayed Spouse and Unfaithful Spouse

2007-09-29T18:01:00.000-07:00

Letters From Anne Brecht (http://www.beyondaffairs.com)

- A MESSAGE TO THE BETRAYED SPOUSE
- A MESSAGE TO THE UNFAITHFUL SPOUSE

MESSAGE TO THE BETRAYED SPOUSE

Dear Betrayed Spouse,

My heart goes out to you. Truly I understand how utterly devastated
and broken-hearted you feel.

It is normal to feel like life just isn't worth living anymore, but
you must will yourself on. You can and will get through this, one day
at a time. If you have children, you need to be strong for them. They
need you.

You can survive this and come out happier and stronger on the other
side, but it takes effort.

Certainly you can forgive your spouse in time. Trusting them again is
something entirely different. They need to earn trust from you by
changing their behavior and continuing to act in a trustworthy manner
over a period of time. You should not trust your spouse if he/she is
not worthy of your trust. It is one thing to forgive a person who has
wronged you, but that does not mean you should allow that person to
continue to hurt you.

Whatever you choose to do from this point forward is your decision.
No one else is living your life, and your friends and family members
who may be quick to tell you, "just leave that loser," are not the
ones who will live with the consequences of those decisions, so you
must make the right decisions for you.

When I discovered my husband's affair, I was given advice from people
I chose to confide in. Some of that advice was helpful, and some of
it stunk. Beware of advice that stinks. Feel free to avoid people
that give you advice that isn't helpful. Right now you need to do
whatever it takes to get yourself through this, and if that means
avoiding unhelpful people, so be it.

On one of the first days after discovering My Husband's Affair, while
I was packing my bags to leave him forever, (which seemed like a
logical thing to do since he told me he was choosing the other woman
over me), someone did give me some very good advice, advice that
saved my marriage. It was this:

"You can leave this marriage if you want. You have every right to do
so, and no one would blame you. Even though it doesn't seem like it,
I believe your spouse loves you. I don't understand what's happening
right now either, but I encourage you: Do not make a final decision
about something as important as your marriage while you're in the
emotion of the moment. WAIT AT LEAST 3 MONTHS BEFORE MAKING ANY MAJOR
DECISONS."

The first thing you need to do to survive this trauma is
TAKE CARE OF YOU, so that in the future you will be thinking straight
to make the best possible decisions for yourself.

Do something for yourself today, just to survive the day. Go to the
spa, buy a new outfit, go for a walk in a nice park, or do all three.

You are wise to seek outside support. Your journey to survival will
largely involve educating yourself. You can do this through reading
books that will help you understand affairs, what it takes to have
a good marriage, and how to be a strong and emotionally healthy
person. I recommend starting by reading my book, "My Husband's Affair
Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me," because it will help
you to know that you're not alone, and you're not going crazy after
all. It will encourage you, and it will help you to avoid some
mistakes.
http://www.beyondaffairs.com/books_about_affairs.htm

A list of other recommended books is provided on the
beyondaffairs.com website.
http://www.beyondaffairs.com/resources_recovering_from_affairs.htm#books

You can learn to be happy and have a great life, no matter what
decisions your spouse makes. And as you grow as a person, your
spouse will be faced with his/her own choice. He/she will either
choose to grow into a better person also, or you'll leave him/her
behind in the dust (even if you choose to stay in the marriage).

Here's an article to help you get started on this journey to
survival:

http://www.beyondaffairs.com/articles/surviving_infidelity.htm

#######################################################
MESSAGE TO THE UNFAITHFUL SPOUSE

Dear Unfaithful Spouse,

If your spouse just found out about your affair, reach out and find
a trustworthy friend or counselor who you can discuss your situation
with. You need someone to listen to your feelings. I know you feel
confused, that's why you need some sensible input. Your affair
partner is not the trustworthy friend you need at the moment, because
they are not neutral.

You are being faced with some of the biggest decisions you will ever
make in your life, which will have far reaching implications on your
future for years to come. You better make sure you are making
informed decisions, not emotional decisions. One way to make
informed decisions is to educate yourself about affairs by reading
books.

After reading my book, "My Husband's Affair Became the Best Thing
That Ever Happened to Me," you need to read, "Not Just Friends" by
Shirley Glass. It is neutral, enlightening, informative, and
practical.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0743225503/passionatelif-20/002-1726459-8024051

Keep this thought in mind: WRONG REACTIONS MAKE A BAD SITUATION WORSE.
I've seen far too many lives destroyed not because of an
affair, but because of doing the wrong things after the affair is
disclosed.

The biggest mistake spouse's who've had affairs make is withholding
information, minimizing facts, and telling more lies. Do not attempt
to lessen the blow for your spouse by covering up the real truth with
more dishonesty! When the emotions of the moment subside and rational
thinking returns to your spouse, in the final end it will not be the
affair or the sex with the other person that has hurt them the most.
It will be the lies.

What you need to realize is that you have already hurt your spouse
as much as it is possible to hurt a human being. There is only one
way you can hurt them more now, and that's by telling more lies,
after you claim to be telling the truth. I'm not saying you should
tell your spouse more details then they are asking for, but whatever
questions they do ask, you better tell the whole truth. You've got
to come clean.

Trust me. They are going to find out, sooner or later, and if it's
later, it's going to be really bad for you.

Sincerely,

Anne

Passionate Life Seminars, PO Box 162, Abbotsford, British Columbia V2S 4N8, CANADA

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FAQ from Affair Recovery Center

2007-09-29T04:40:00.000-07:00

How can the Affair Recovery Center help me?

Affair Recovery Center is dedicated to restoring marriages to a healthy state. We offer individual, couple and group counseling to people from all walks of life who struggle with affairs and sexual issues. We also offer the unique opportunity to link up with other couples who have a story similar to yours and have already traveled through this process and have successfully come out on the other side. If you choose, you can also take advantage of our marriage encounter groups, training seminars, and online support for those grappling with the many troubles of sexual addiction.

Is there hope?

We operate under the firm belief that there is always hope. It is central to all we do, and if we did not believe this, we would all go into another profession! We work with real people, facing real problems who initially feel nothing but despair, and ultimately experience renewal and an exciting sense of purpose in a relationship they may have once given up for lost.

I feel all alone, like I am the only one struggling with this. Is that true?

Absolutely not! There are millions who wrestle with the problem of infidelity and sexual addiction or who are affected by a significant other with a problem. Often, people who struggle with sexual temptation feel isolated because they are too ashamed to confess their situation to another, and they may believe that they are alone and flawed. The Affair Recovery Center is here to take the shame out of facing sexual temptation and marital infidelity as we help restore the gift of healthy relationships. Our unique format allows you to address your issues while maintaining your privacy.

Is it always going to hurt this badly?

Although the situation may seem unbearably painful now, it will not last forever. In fact, there are a large number of people with whom we have worked who down the road can look back on the situation and say that although they would not want to go through the pain again, that it was the best thing that ever happened to them because of the positive changes that later came out of it. You will never forget what is happening to you now, but one day, you will be able to look back on it without feeling the pain.

Will my spouse ever be able to forgive me?

Yes, although it is going to take some work. However, the good news is that through education and reconciliation, your marriage might emerge even stronger and more meaningful than it was before the infidelity. The end result of counseling with couples who have been through the Affair Recovery program is often a level of intimacy that before you might not have imagined possible.

Is it a problem or is it just me?

If you suspect that your spouse is caught up in an affair or other destructive behavior, any sexual acting out that your partner may be involved in outside of your marriage is a problem. In many cases, your spouse may make you feel like you are the cause of such behavior, but this is a hollow and false justification for the behavior. No matter how they spin it, there is without question a problem with what your spouse is doing.

If you are in an affair or any sexual indulgence outside of your marriage, it is a problem, even if it is just at the fantasy level. It's a problem regardless of any justification you may have told yourself.

Is this normal or am I just losing it?

Experiencing betrayal in a marriage can cause all sorts of chaotic and confusing feelings. One of the most perplexing is often a profound sense of aloneness. When you feel such isolation, you might have all kinds of questions about what is happening, who you can talk to, if your feelings are normal or if you are really losing your mind. This experience has a way of causing individuals or couples to lose equilibrium and leave them clueless about what direction to take. We try to provide a sense of direction through our marriage mentors, our groups and our material. The intense pain and confusion of these situations can cause extreme reactions in both mates, but God provides a way through this valley, and we will help you find others who have successfully navigated their way through as well.

Where did I go wrong? Did I cause this?

Sometimes it is difficult to pinpoint where someone's compulsive sexual activity originated because many factors lead to sexual betrayal in marriage. Often, people hope that by getting married they will cure their compulsive behavior once and for all. The problems are not so easily buried, however, and the behavior will usually re-emerge in the marriage. Because affairs are the end result of so many things, if you are wondering if you did something to cause your spouse's behavior, rest assured the answer is no. All marriages have deficits and all marriages have difficult problems, but not all marriages experience affairs as a result of these problems. The good news is, now that the behavior is in the open, you can work towards resolving it and discover healthy ways of addressing the issues in your relationship.

Is this an affair or just a slight indiscretion?

It doesn't really matter because the consequences to the relationship are essentially the same. An affair by definition is a betrayal of the marital relationship, for it violates the covenant that two people made. People involved in affairs are generally aware that their actions would be viewed as breaking the commitment to monogamy that they made with one another. It makes no difference whether or not the person involved in the affair believes the behavior is acceptable or not, for the very fact that the actions are secretive reveal that the person consciously knows that their behavior is unacceptable. Secrecy is nothing more than an attempt to avoid the consequences. There are four primary types of affairs: one night stands, entangled relationships, sexual addiction and soul mate relationships. All of these violate the boundaries of the marital relationship.

What is sexual addiction?

Sexual addiction is a sickness involving any type of uncontrollable sexual activity. Like alcoholism or drug dependency, it involves a pathological relationship with a mind-altering chemical. In the case of sexual addiction, the mind-altering chemical is the biological-emotional rush or reaction that comes with the behavior. Because of the pathological nature of the activity, it represents dysfunction in one's life.

Can a marriage recover from an affair?

Absolutely! We believe that God is capable of doing all things, and that some of His greatest miracles are worked through the healing of marital relationships rocked by betrayal and pain. We find that more than 90% of the men and women who participated in our couples groups have not only recovered, but also report that their marriages are actually better than before. Couples who go through the healing journey address not only the devastation of the betrayal, but also work to correct other weak points in their relationship.

Why should I try to make this work?

At the Affair Recovery Center, we encourage individuals and couples to be obedient to what God is telling them, even if it does not make sense at the time. We hope that you will consider the time and work that has been invested in your marriage up until now. Even if it feels like a lost cause, these broken places are often where God has the greatest opportunity to work the most profound growth in our lives, and it is in such seemingly impossible places where His power, grace, and glory is most often displayed. Also consider that refusing to be obedient to God's calling has consequences for us and our children. Divorce and separation leave a legacy that increases the probability of failed marriages in the future.

What if my spouse won't admit there's a problem?

It is not necessary for your spouse to admit there is a problem for God to begin working. God does not allow these types of situations in our lives to bring problems to us, but rather to reveal problems in us. The healing process may well begin as we stop living to the demands of our spouse and begin looking to God for our peace and security. As we place our faith in God, in time He will reveal His truth to us. In the meantime, there are others who have been where you are now who can help you uncover the truth as well as provide their insight and support on how to survive the ordeal you are facing. We can help you with this.

Do you only work with Christians? I'm not sure what I believe.

While we approach things from a biblical Christian perspective, we do not require our clients to profess a particular faith. We will be open about what we believe and expect the same of those who are working with us. We often find that working through the devastation of an affair or sexual addiction causes people to seek spiritual solutions, and our approach may meet that need.

Relapse Prevention

2007-09-28T16:05:00.000-07:00

from http:www.affairrecovery.com

For some reason, the topic of “Relapse Prevention” strikes fear in the hearts of all who have suffered the pain associated with betrayal. The thought that this could happen again is frightening indeed. However, the relapse itself is not the main obstacle to eventual recovery. Rather, it is the response to relapse that determines the outcome of recovery. It is not uncommon for human beings, in a moment of mindlessness, to do things they never intended. However, I have learned in my recovery that “behavior doesn’t equal motive” and “temptation doesn’t define me.”

How many of us have ever done something that we really didn’t want to do. In a moment of impulsivity, we made a choice we later regretted. For example, my intent was to stay on the diet, but ….somehow that didn’t happen. Now some of you may be saying, “a diet is one thing, but infidelity is another,” and you’re right, but the same forces that cause the fall from the diet are at work in our recovery from an affair. As the apostle Paul explains in I Corinthians 7, once we decide not to do something, another force goes into effect and we want that thing more than ever. This is human nature. It’s not that we want to do the wrong thing, in fact we want to do the right thing, but the very decision not to do that wrong thing creates the ravenous desire to do that very thing.

Now don’t freak out. I’m not saying your mate is ready and willing for a repeat performance. In fact, most of us feel little or no desire to go there again. Furthermore, our research shows that if people return to old behaviors, they don’t just pick up where they left off. Instead, they get back into the water slowly. Initially, we are dead serious when we determine never do these things again. At the same time, as we discussed in Week 2, my best efforts have a way of ending in failure, because the best of the flesh is the worst of the flesh. My efforts to change can actually set up my failure.

We are only as weak as our strongest point. That may sound funny, but it is the honest truth. At the root of all relapse are our best efforts. It is “our” attempts at self-control, “our” attempt at self-reliance, and “our” attempts at self improvement. Please do not think that I am saying that all will relapse. That is not the case, but when relapse occurs, it is always based in pride. We believe that we should be able to do this, that if we try hard enough, we will overcome. We are carried away by our confidence in our own ability. We want to be normal and to be able to assume that this will never happen again. As the old saying goes, “the road to hell is paved with good intentions.” Couples in recovery have an abundance of good motives and good intentions, but as mentioned above, “behavior doesn’t equal motive.”

I say all of this, because I think it is important to assume that relapse can always occur, although that is in no way an excuse or permission to relapse. You see, we must follow the paradoxical path of weakness rather than of strength. As the apostle Paul stated, “Where I am weak then He is strong.” My goal in recovery and the attitude that has helped sustain my sobriety for over 18 years is an attitude of weakness. I recognize that I cannot handle it, rather than believing that I can or should. It takes humility to stay in a place of weakness, and knowing that it is best simply never to put myself in high-risk situations.

My own relapse, at 5 years, came not because I wanted to go back to an old behavior, but rather because I thought I was “all better” and would be able to handle situations that I’d never been able to handle in the past. I certainly didn’t start back where I had left off, but I knew, once I started that I had opened Pandora’s box. My second mistake was the same as the first, I thought I could stop it again only to find that as in the past, it controlled me.

The problem with my journey back into old behaviors was not so much what I was doing as it was me trying to handle it by myself just as I had before. It really wouldn’t have mattered what exactly, I was doing, what mattered was how I handled it. As before, I was trying to protect my image by keeping the problem secret. Infidelity is the keeping of secrets, and once again, I was keeping my wife in the dark. I couldn’t be free until I let go of both my pride and shame and began to live in honesty and acceptance again. Likewise, my wife would never be safe as long as I was keeping her in the dark.

That event was over 18 years ago, and I’m happy to say that it was my most recent run in with a behavior that, unfortunately, I am more than capable of repeating again. It’s just that now, I never assume I’m better. Instead, I accept who I am and what I am capable of and I live accordingly. It is not a bad way to live, but it is different from the way of life that the world presents as “ideal.” I understand that I’m a human wrecking ball and I am more than capable of destroying the lives of everyone who is associated with me. For that reason, and with that knowledge, I walk in daily surrender to God asking him to be to me all that I am not, and daily admitting that this is as good as I get. Apart from his power in my life, I’ll once again put those love at risk.

Use wisdom in your recovery. Don’t put yourself in high risk situations. Instead, be always aware that you are capable of relapse and live accordingly.

Forgiveness: The First Thing to Do

2007-09-27T15:48:00.000-07:00

You've been betrayed.

Your spouse, the person you once loved and trusted
most in the world, took advantage of your confidence
and walked all over it leaving you to stew in your sickening
feelings of anger, shame, resentment, fear, and maybe
even jealousy.

Perhaps your spouse cheated on you, breaking the sacred
oath of fidelity that was the foundation of your marriage.

Or maybe your spouse broke faith with you by systematically
lying about who he was or what he was doing. Gambling,
stealing, drinking excessively, or getting involved in nefarious
business dealings are a few examples that come to mind.

If this describes the current state of your marriage, you
are facing one of the most difficult challenges any married
person has to cope with...

You're desperately looking for a way to forgive your spouse
so you can move on with your life and get back the wonderful
marriage you once shared.

There's only one problem.

You don't think you can forgive your spouse.

The hurt goes too deep. You don't trust your spouse anymore.
What if you forgive and he or she betrays you again? What
if he or she has another affair? You don't want to be walked
on like some cheap doormat. And you don't think you can go
through the pain all over again.

You know if you don't forgive it's going to be hard ...
maybe even impossible ... to rebuild your marriage.

But you're terrified that if you do forgive, the
consequences may be even worse.

You're caught in a trap--stuck in a Catch 22--and no
matter how hard you try you can't seem to get free of it.

We've all heard the saying "To err is human, to forgive divine."

But we aren't divine. We're all human beings
struggling to get by in this crazy world.

The question almost raises itself:

"If I can't forgive, what's left? How can I move on with
my marriage? How can we rebuild what we once had and
move on with our lives?"

You can't.

I hate to tell you, but you can't "go back to the way things
once were in your marriage." If you take that path, you are
in for more of the same kind of pain you are facing right now.

Going back to the way things once were is not going
to solve your problems.

But there is another path you can take.

You can work to make your marriage better than it
was--maybe even better than ever.

And the road you need to take to make that happen doesn't
require forgiveness.

In fact, forgiveness may even come naturally if you follow
the path I suggest.

You don't have to forgive your spouse to move on
with your marriage.

There is another path you can take. That path can be summed
up in a single word ...

Acceptance.

Let me explain.

A New Path to Forgiveness: Acceptance

In my opinion forgiveness doesn't work the way many
people think it does.

I've heard people in my office, on movies, on TV,
in books, and in articles I've read speak about forgiveness
as though it's something they simply "decide" to do. Once
they make their "decision" the light of forgiveness is
turned on and everything is wonderful and light again.

This is what I would call "magical thinking."

I once heard about a couple whose daughter
was murdered. This man and woman eventually went down
to the prison, met with their daughter's killer face to face,
and forgave him.

Honestly, I have to say this
isn't a form of forgiveness I even understand. I don't doubt
the reality of it. I just don't understand it myself.

In my view, forgiveness requires work. If you do the work,
the feeling of forgiveness comes by itself ... in time.

The work you have to do starts with acceptance.

Acceptance is the path you take to move toward forgiveness.

Instead of focusing on the seemingly miraculous (perhaps
even divine) act of "deciding" to forgive, when I work with
my clients I help them take the path of acceptance so they
can work toward a better marriage in a practical step-by-step matter.

I have found that working toward forgiveness this way makes
the act of forgiving more accessible to many people.

Acceptance will allow you to systematically work through
your anger, overcome your anxiety, rebuild trust in your
partner, and do so without being stuck with the feeling that
you might be walked on like a doormat one more time.

With acceptance you don't have to "make a decision" and
jump into forgiving all at one time. You can take it slowly,
and feel out how things are going in your marriage. This way
you don't get stuck in the process of forgiving only to be
betrayed again. Instead, you look at your relationship rationally
and do the work you need to make it better.

To start understanding how this works, let's look at the
definition for "acceptance" and see how it is different
than the definition for "forgiveness."

Defining Acceptance

The Oxford English Dictionary defines acceptance as
"willingness or ability to tolerate." The definition for
forgiveness is "cease to feel angry or resentful toward."

In my mind, the difference between these definitions
is quite enlightening, and it's a good indicator for why
acceptance is the path you take toward forgiveness.

When your spouse betrays you, it's very unlikely that
you are going to wake up one day and simply cease
to feel angry or resentful about his or her actions unless
you do some work to make that happen.

In my opinion you can't just "decide" to make these
feelings go away. You have to take some specific actions
so you can overcome them.

The first step is to accept that the awful events
which occurred in your marriage did, in fact, occur.

This means getting past your initial denial. It means
accepting that what happened in the past happened,
and there is no way to undo that reality.

It means abandoning the idea that you can "go
back to the way things once were." Because, for most of you,
if your honest with yourself, things probably weren't so great
before otherwise your marriage probably wouldn't be
in the state it's in now.

And it means coming to terms with the idea that you
aren't going to simply "get over it" one day.

The experience of having your spouse betray you has
become a part of your history now. There's no way you
can go back to a time before that happened.

There are going to be unpleasant and unwanted feelings
associated with this reality. You aren't doing yourself
any favors by trying to swallow, ignore, or "just get
over" those feelings. In fact if you try to do that, you'll likely
make your problems worse.

What you can do is accept that what happened
happened. You can accept that your spouse's actions
really happened, and your emotional responses to those
actions are really happening too.

You can choose to be "willing to tolerate" the actions that
happened and the feelings you are experiencing now. If you
are willing to do that, you can then take specific steps toward
overcoming the difficult emotions and experiences you
are now suffering from.

That doesn't mean you have to like what happened.
Acceptance does not mean you have to say, "It's all
okay. What you did is okay. Now we can all be happy
again."

Quite the contrary!

No one can expect you to like the fact that your spouse
cheated on or otherwise betrayed you. That's absurd.
Acceptance does not mean you have to approve
of what happened in any way.

However, you do have to accept the reality of your situation
right now.

Once you do that, then there are specific exercise you can
employ to overcome the anger and fear you feel. You can
work a set of exercises that will allow you to rebuild your
trust in your partner, learn how to communicate, get past
your feelings of jealousy, rid your mind of the awful images
of the affair, and ultimately rebuild confidence in your spouse.

However, if you don't accept the reality of your situation,
the chances any this will happen are minimized.

When you accept your situation you are saying, "I don't like
what happened. I don't like the feelings I am having right
now. I don't even like my marriage or my spouse right now.
But I'm willing to tolerate this so we can work toward a
better future as a couple."

If you do this, with time and work you will get to a place
where the bad feelings you are experiencing move to
the back of your mind. You will be aware that your past
happened, but the memory of it won't plague you as
much anymore.

This won't happen overnight, and it won't happen unless
you put some real work into your marriage to make it better
than ever.

Pastoring and Divorce

2007-09-18T22:23:00.000-07:00

Rethinking an Old Tradition
By David Flick

Dr. Charles Stanley may be just the person who will bring Southern Baptists to their senses regarding divorced pastors. Could Dr. Stanley be the one who inadvertently issues the wake-up call to Southern Baptists on what may be an outdated tradition?

It has been a long standing tradition that men are disqualified to be pastors when they become divorced. This tradition is based on a questionable interpretation of 1 Timothy 3:2a [Now an overseer must be above reproach, the husband of but one wife,... (NIV)] Traditionally, Southern Baptists have interpreted this to mean that a man cannot be divorced and also be qualified for the position of pastor of a local church. Obviously, the tradition was meant to honor the Bible in the best possible way. For generations, the traditional interpretation has prevented multitudes of men from being pastors in local Baptist churches.

A close examination of the passage reveals that the qualifications for pastors [bishop, overseer] do not discuss divorce. The subject of divorce isn't mentioned among the qualifications for either pastors or deacons. The idea that the phrase "...husband of but one wife," must be interpreted to mean "husband not divorced," is one born purely out of tradition. It is an argument from silence. As an argument from silence, it becomes an opinion rather than what the Bible actually says about the marital state of the pastor of a local church.

Southern Baptists have traditionally been very inconsistent with this tradition. They allow remarried widowers and single men to serve as pastors of local churches. If one is to be rigidly literal with the interpretation of this passage, then single men must also disqualified. Yet, single men are not traditionally disqualified. Which means that Southern Baptists are being inconsistent even with the literal meaning of the verse.

Now comes Dr. Charles Stanley, pastor of the great First Baptist Church in Atlanta, Georgia. Dr. Stanley has been a top leader among Southern Baptists for several decades now. He is a past president of the Southern Baptist Convention. He has a preaching/teaching ministry whose influence stretches beyond Atlanta into the entire United States and around the world. For the past five or six years, it was publicly acknowledge that his marriage was on the rocks. Within the last year, Dr. Stanley experienced a somewhat bitter divorce. [Can any divorce be not bitter?]

According to fundamentalist tradition, Dr. Stanley became disqualified to serve as pastor of a local church. However, not according to tradition, he refuses to step down from his position of leadership of the great church in Atlanta. Some questions need to be raised. Does the divorce mean that God has withdrawn the His call to Dr. Stanley to serve as the pastor of Atlanta First Baptist Church? Is Dr. Stanley violating Scripture by retaining his position? Is Dr. Stanley now living in sin while keeping the position? Does this high profile divorce among Southern Baptist pastors now lead Southern Baptists to rethink their position on divorced pastors? How about some possible answers to these questions?

1) Does the divorce mean that God withdrew His call to Dr. Stanley to serve as the pastor of Atlanta First Baptist Church? Traditionalists answer affirmatively. They say he should step down immediately. Others, including myself, say this tradition should be reexamined because it cannot be solidly backed with scripture. It is an argument from silence to say that the Bible declares a pastor must never have experienced divorce

2) Is Dr. Stanley violating Scripture by retaining his position? Traditionalists answer affirmatively. They say his divorce is grounds for disqualification. Others, including myself, question the tradition which is based on an argument from silence. My questioning this tradition is based on the way Southern Baptists interpret the entire passage of qualifications [1 Timothy 3:1-7]

If Southern Baptists are going to be literally rigid at this point, what are they going to do about pastors who are known to violate other qualifications found in the list? What about those pastors who simply have no control over their own families? What about pastors whose children are involved in drugs and crime while making babies out of wedlock? What about the pastors who are known to be greedy for money? What about the pastors who are quarrelsome, conceited, and have no good reputation with outsiders? Obviously the Southern Baptist tradition on divorce needs reexamination. Perhaps it's time for them to join other evangelical denominations and become redemptive rather than cruelly unredemptive.

3) Is Dr. Stanley now living in sin while keeping his pastoral position? Traditionalist answer affirmatively. Would he somehow cease to be living in sin simply by relinquishing the position? I think not. Primarily because all Southern Baptist pastors live in sin. We are all sinners. Simply relinquishing the position of senior pastor of a local church because of the dictates of a tradition does not absolve anyone of sin. Sin is forgiven by God. All sin is forgiven by God. And divorce is a forgivable just as is adultery, stealing, lying, and whatever sin one may care to name.

The tradition, as it now stands, puts Southern Baptists in the position of making divorce an unforgivable sin. Although they vehemently deny this, to categorically deny a divorced man from pastoral leadership position is tantamount to calling it an unforgivable sin. Indeed it is an unforgivable sin so far as the traditionalists are concerned. Traditionalists jump through all sorts of semantic gymnastic hoops when they declare that the man must forever suffer the consequences of divorce. The consequences are that he be banned for life from being a pastor of a local church.

This attitude is not one of forgiveness at all. It is an unforgiving attitude to declare that a divorced man, who has been forgiven by God, can never again serve as pastor of a Baptist church. Let him go somewhere else and serve the Lord. Or let him preach the gospel without pastoring a church. This says that a divorced Baptist preacher is nothing more than a second class citizen in the Kingdom of God. I think this tradition needs to be reexamined. I think we need to treat pastors who have unfortunately experienced divorce with more dignity than banning them for life from the pastorate. If God can forgive the sin of divorce, can Southern Baptists do any less? To do any less than God is to be Pharisaic about the sin.

4) Does this high profile divorce among Southern Baptist pastors now lead us to rethink our position on divorced pastors? Traditionalist answer negatively. They are determined that a literal interpretation of 1 Timothy 3:2a disqualifies any and all men from serving as pastor of a local church. I think the time has come for Southern Baptists to rethink this outdated tradition.

Has Dr. Stanley's divorce changed his ability to preach the Gospel? Has his divorce ruined his ability to teach the Bible? Has his divorce thwarted his ability to lead Atlanta First Baptist Church? Has the divorce honestly disqualified him from serving in God's Kingdom? No honest person can answer these questions negatively.

Dr. Stanley is just as capable of serving Atlanta First Baptist Church today as he was prior to his divorce. When it comes to teaching and preaching God's word, I have rarely, if ever disagreed with his theology. He is among the best of Southern Baptists when it comes to conservative expository biblical preaching and teaching. He is fundamentally sound in his theology.

I have often criticized Dr. Stanley's involvement in Southern Baptist denominational politics. But that criticism has always been at the point of politics rather than theology. I suppose I will always disagree with his denominational politics, but I applaud his determination not to step down due to a long standing tradition which was built on a questionable interpretation of the Bible. I think it's time for Southern Baptists to rethink divorce as being the unpardonable sin for Baptist pastors. We need to throw the tradition in the river and redeem good and godly men for ministry in Baptist churches. Maybe Dr. Charles Stanley is just the man to throw this tradition into the river.

July 1, 2001

(This article was written for the Editorial section of BaptistLife.Com Discussion Forums)

Forgiveness: IS ADULTERY FORGIVABLE?

2007-09-14T04:52:00.000-07:00

From CBN.com

Is Adultery Forgivable?
By Nancy C. Anderson
Guest Columnist

"Sins cannot be undone, only forgiven" -- Composer Igor Stravinsky

"For the sake of your name, O Lord, forgive my iniquity, though it is great." Ps. 25:11

Dad sighed and asked us, “What’s your plan?”
My husband, Ron, leaned forward and said, “Plan? Plan for what?”

“You two are going to have to figure out why your marriage fell apart . . . how to fix it ...how to make sure it doesn’t happen again.”

Ron replied, “Well . . . I don’t know if we need to do all that. I don’t even want to talk about what she did. It’s too painful. Nancy’s back home now—we’ll just move on from here.”

Dad continued, “I wish it were that simple. But it’s not. Your marriage was fractured. If you rebuild a house on a cracked foundation, it might be all right for a while, but when the storms come, that fracture will divide your house. Ron, if you don’t repair the foundation of your marriage, it won’t survive.

"You can’t just ignore the fact that your wife had an affair.

"The memory of Nancy’s betrayal and the guilt she will carry will be unbearable. I don’t think you’ll be able to move on until you, Ron, make one of the most important decisions you’ll ever make.”

“What decision is that?”

“Has Nancy told you she’s sorry for what she’s done?”

“Yes, she’s apologized several times.”

“Did she ask you to forgive her?”

“No.”

Dad turned to me and continued, “Nancy, when you tell someone you’re sorry, it’s very different from asking for their forgiveness. Your ‘sorry-ness’ is your decision. But when you ask someone to forgive you—that’s their decision. It’s difficult because it gives all the power to the other person.”

Then he spoke to Ron, who looked confused and apprehensive. “Ron, when you forgive someone, you make a choice to banish the offense from your heart. Jesus said that after He forgives us, our sins are as far away as the East is from the West. In other words, they are pardoned. Not because we’re not guilty, but because we are.

"If you decide to forgive Nancy, you can never use her sin against her.

"God will give you the strength to start a new life together. But if you choose not to forgive, if you want to hold on to the pain, or punish her, and keep her wound open—I don’t think you’ll stay married. You have biblical grounds to divorce her, but I want you both to pray about what I’ve said, and make your decisions. We will continue this conversation in the morning.”

After a long an restless night, my voice trembled as I said, “Daddy, I want to ask Ron to forgive me, but what do I say?”

“Tell him what you want to be forgiven for, and then simply ask him.

"Ron will decide whether to forgive you…or not. You ask; he answers. It’s the simplest thing you two will ever do—and the hardest.”

I looked over at my sweet, wounded husband and saw the wide-eyed face of a frightened twelve-year-old boy. I spoke quickly so that I wouldn’t lose the safety of the moment. “Ron, I’ve betrayed you mentally, spiritually, and physically. I’ve lied to you and deceived you. I have no defense, no excuses. I’ve sinned against God and you. Can you—will you please forgive me?”

He leaned forward, never letting go of my eyes. The little boy was gone as my strong and confidant husband took my hands in his and said, “Nancy, we have both done and said terrible things to each other. Our marriage was a mess—and a lot of it was my fault. You have betrayed me, but I choose to forgive you.”

We both began to cry and our tears mixed with the river of divine love that flowed through the room. Our hearts were knit together as we began again—with a solid marriage foundation.

However, my personal foundation was still unstable.

My lies had been so tangled with truth that I wasn’t sure which was which. I slowly began to untie the knots of my life. I was relieved to be done with deceit, but because its shadows, exaggerations, and half-truths had been my companions for months, the light of the whole truth seemed harsh, like walking out into full sunlight after watching an afternoon matinee in a dark theater.

I was full of self-doubt and couldn’t believe how easily I‘d been swept away by my feelings.

I didn’t plunge into sin—I drifted in, like floating on an air mattress and falling asleep only to wake up a mile from the beach. I had to swim with all my strength to pull my heart back to shore

Ron forgave me—miraculously. He let go of the pain and moved into freedom. I, however, got stuck in the sorrow of regret. Receiving and believing in my forgiveness was tedious, treacherous.

One step forward; two steps back. The memories kept haunting me, surprising me—triggered by the scent of a stranger’s cologne or the melody of a song.

The shame of past pleasures followed me.

Eventually though, I came to see that I would have to surrender to the forgiveness in order to free myself from the prison. God and my husband had already given me the keys, but I had refused to use them. Finally, one day, I did.

I found victory through surrender as I prayed, “Lord, I give up. I cannot carry this anymore. I know that You have forgiven me and so has Ron, and today I choose to receive that forgiveness. Now I ask You for strength as I let go of the guilt, the shame, the sorrow, and I choose to walk toward Your light. You have set free, so I am free indeed.”

I refused to entertain the stray thoughts anymore.

Instead, I replaced them with images of the new life that Ron and I were building. I memorized Phil. 4:8 and only thought about things that were true, lovely, and virtuous.

I also discovered that encouraging others with our story of restoration gave a purpose to our pain. This summer, 27 years after my affair, we will celebrate our 30th wedding anniversary and our marriage is strong, loving, and healed.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Adapted from Avoiding The Greener Grass Syndrome: How to Grow Affair Proof Hedges Around Your Marriage. (Kregel Publications)

Nancy C Anderson www.NancyCAnderson.com is an author and speaker who encourages couples to “fall in like” with each other. Nancy and Ron often speak at couples’ banquets and retreats. They share their marriage testimony and the Biblical principles of guarding hearts and protecting marriages.
=========================

= The Andersons: Forgiving the Prodigal Spouse
By Julie Blim
The 700 Club

"There was shame to it, but the shame was not outweighed by the pleasure.”

Nancy Anderson knew better. She was raised by godly parents, went to a Bible college, and considered herself a Christian.

“So I kept it a secret from anyone who would tell me to knock it off,” says Nancy. “I became an expert liar, because adultery and lying go together.”

It was back at college that she met Ron.

“My premise in getting married was that Ron was going to make me happy,” she says, “that he fix me, that he meet my needs, that he read my mind, that he know what I needed before I even knew.”

Ron confesses, “I was a jerk. I was a jerk as a husband and consequently my wife responded in a negative way as well.”

They loved each other; they loved God, but found marriage a whole lot harder than they expected.

“We fought about everything, once married, about money, time,” he recalls. “You said this, I said this, you didn’t live up to my expectations, or I’m disappointed about this.”

"As a couple, we did not have a spiritual unity,” Nancy says. “Because of that I started to drift from the Lord, as a couple, but also individually.”

Nancy became open to other ideas about what might make her happy…

“I was complaining about Ron and one of the women at work said, ‘Dump him if you’re not happy! Life’s too short to be unhappy.’”

So when the opportunity arose, so did Nancy.

“I just took the easy road out and started flirting with a man at work,” she says.

Which led to secret lunches and dinners and then time away from home…

“I figured oh, okay if you need a couple of days be yourself,” Ron recalls. “Well I didn’t know there was another man involved.”

Along with the excitement, Nancy felt guilty especially when something pricked her conscience like the radio.

“He said, ‘If you will stop your sinning, and repent, God will forgive you.’ That made me so angry because I didn’t want to stop,” Nancy says.

Ron says, “But when she comes back after four weeks and says, ‘I want a divorce,’ now I’m in trouble. Now reality is setting in. I’ve got a big problem here.”

It all came to a head when Nancy got a call from her worried parents.

“I managed to lie to my mother, but I can’t lie to my dad,” she says. “Even from 2000 miles away, prayer is a powerful thing. That prayer began to pierce my heart. I knew that the Lord would be faithful. I didn’t know what the outcome would be.”

Then Nancy prayed her own prayer and knew what she needed to do. She knew it would break her husband’s heart… and her own.

“My emotions were still connected to him,” she says. “I didn’t love my husband. I knew it was just that simple and just that horrifically difficult.”

Then the big moment came. Ron came home early from a convention.

“And there she was,” Ron recalls. “It was the first time that we’d actually talked without yelling at each other in many, many a night.”

Nancy told him everything – including what he suspected but hoped wasn’t true…

“She’s choosing to choose me over him was more concerned to keep the conversation going at the level it was going,” he says. “I wasn’t devastated pridefully.”

The next day, Nancy phoned the office to quit her job.

The president of her job told her she was doing the right thing. “No job is worth your marriage,” he said.

“Out of obedience, I broke up with Jake,” Nancy says. “Ron and I actually both talked to him.”

So what was it like for Ron to confront the man in the middle of his marriage?

“Well, rather calm considering what could have been if he’d been there in the room with me,” Ron says.

Ron and Nancy decided to go to her parents for help. They told them there was still something they had to do.

Nancy says, “I reached across the table and said, ‘I’ve betrayed you physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I have no defense, no excuses. I don’t deserve forgiveness, but I’m asking for it anyway.’ I just didn’t know if he could do it once he heard the whole truth.”

“And the Lord in an instant gave me the ability to forgive her,” Ron says. “I never had difficulty talking about it, never had a pride issue with it, never bothered my ego. I gave it to the Lord, and He took care of it.”

Now many years later, Ron and Nancy remember well what it was like to rebuild.

“It took about three years, before we really felt like things are starting to get great again,” Ron says.

“We were not very good at noticing when the other person did it right, but we were really quick to notice when there was a mistake,” says Nancy. “So both of us had to learn that compliments are like magnets.”

For Ron, it was “finding out what made her feel loved as a woman. God made her a certain way, and I had to learn to understand that.”

Nancy says, “There’s still things that bug me about him. All the stuff didn’t go away. I’m just not laser beamed in on the fact that he cannot get his clothes in the hamper. I just pick up his stinky socks.”

“Some of the fellas say, ‘I don’t know. If my wife did that… I don’t know.’ And I tell them you know with the grace of God, you will be amazed at what you can get through,” Ron says.

Nancy says, “It grew back into the romance and love and now it’s all those things combined. I can tell the people, ‘Look, the grass in not greener. I’ve been to the other side. There are weeds. It’s a horrible place. It will destroy you. Don’t go there!’”

http://www.cbn.com/family/marriage/Anderson_ForgiveAdultery.aspx

Forgiveness: What is Forgiveness?

2007-09-06T17:48:00.000-07:00

From Anne Brecht: www.beyondaffairs.com

What IS Forgiveness? - September 4, 2007

QUESTION:

What IS forgiveness? Is it never bringing up the 'what happened'? Is it never wanting to think about it again? Is it trusting the person? I keep hearing it is for yourself and not the other person but what do you get when you find whatever IT is? I feel I need to get there but I don't know what or where it is for me? I am sure it is different for everybody. ... Please share what it is and if anything besides time and a regretful partner helped to get there?

See what other's had to say about forgiveness:

ANSWER BY ANNE BERCHT:

When trying to understand forgiveness it’s important to look not only at what forgiveness is, but also at what forgiveness is not. Below we’ll look at both.

Forgiveness is making a decision to give up your feelings of anger, bitterness, resentment and hatred towards a person who has committed a wrong against you. It is also giving up your right to punish that person for what they've done to you.

There are two distinct types of forgiveness:

Type #1 - The person who has committed the wrong is genuinely remorseful and has not only apologized for what they’ve done, but is doing everything possible to make restitution for what they’ve done, as well as making genuine changes to themselves as a person, to ensure they never commit such a wrong against you again.

In this situation, forgiveness is easier and reconciliation of the relationship is possible if desired. And it may be desirable to tell the other person you forgive them.

Type #2 - The person is not sorry, refuses to make restitution, and/or refuses to change. In this situation reconciliation of the relationship is not usually in your best interest. You may want to make effort to remove this person from your life and protect yourself, so that they are no longer in a position where they can continue to hurt you. In this situation, you can still make a decision to forgive in the fact that you give up your feelings of anger, hatred and revenge, so that you’re future life is not robbed from you because you are consumed with bitterness and angry feelings. You can make a decision to forgive someone without necessarily going to that person and telling them you forgive them. For example you may make a decision to forgive the other woman/other man, but that doesn’t mean you HAVE to go to that person and tell them you forgive them. It just means you decide not to let feelings of bitterness and hatred towards them consume you.

Is forgiveness never bringing up the 'what happened'?

Not necessarily. For example; you may choose to forgive someone (to benefit your own emotional well-being), but perhaps there is a courtcase pending, where the wrong is relevant and may need to be brought up again.

Forgiveness means not bringing up what happened in a mean way intended to hurt the other person, but you could forgive and still bring it up for honest discussion, because you need to better understand what happened. Forgiveness does mean you don’t hold something over someone else’s head for the rest of their lives, something they can never undo.

When you forgive an affair in a marriage, you may sometimes bring it up in appropriate ways, but you would never bring it up as your trump card in an argument. When true healing, forgiveness AND RESTORATION have taken place in a relationship, you can still bring it up in appropriate ways. The event has lost its power to hurt either of you. I have forgiven my husband, but sometimes one of us may bring up his affair in order to better understand someone else’s situation. And believe it or not, sometimes we even tell jokes about his affair. But I would never bring it up in an argument, and I’m very careful that the way it’s talked about doesn’t hurt my husband. Because genuine forgiveness has taken place, we have no need to feel afraid of discussing his affair, or affairs in general. It happened. It’s part of who we are and our history. But because I’ve forgiven and he’s forgiven himself, we can easily discuss it in appropriate ways if it’s beneficial to someone.

Is it never wanting to think about it again?

Forgiveness is making a decision not to think about it in ways that are destructive to yourself anymore. You may forgive, but then still have bad days where you “feel” like thinking about it, and you will definitely have fleeting thoughts about the event again, that's only natural, but you CAN control what you choose to think about for long periods of time. Forgiveness is choosing not to dwell on the event in a way that is destructive to you.

Is forgiveness trusting the person?

No. Trust is completely separate from forgiveness. Forgiveness is a gift one can choose to grant. It is not wise to trust someone unless they have proven themselves to be trustworthy. Forgiveness can be given regardless of the offending parties actions. Trust must be earned, by consistently acting in a trustworthy manner over an extended period of time. You can choose to forgive someone without ever trusting them again.

What forgiveness is:

Webster’s dictionary defines forgiveness this way: To give up resentment against; stop being angry with; pardon; give up all claim to punish; overlook; cancel a debt.

That’s an awful lot to ask of someone when the offense has been major.

Forgiveness is setting a prisoner free. The surprise is, once you have forgiven, you discover that the real prisoner who has been freed is yourself, not the person who has hurt you. You become free of bitterness, and free to enjoy your present and your future.

Forgiveness is a response to an injustice. It is a turning, goodwill, a merciful restraint from pursuing resentment or revenge.

Forgiveness is paradoxical, the opposite of what comes naturally because it is human and natural to be resentful and require others to pay a price for their wrongdoing.

Forgiveness is good will.

merciful restraint from pursuing resentment or revenge.
generosity or offering good things.
moral love or contributing to the betterment of others.
Forgiveness is coping strategy

a means to survival.
improvement of one’s self under difficult circumstances.
Forgiveness is a choice

Forgiveness is a skill

it takes time to learn and practice it.
Forgiving is a process.

It takes time to process all of our emotions; anger, grief and sadness. The important thing is to be moving forward from whatever point we are at. It is healthy to give yourself appropriate time to process your emotions, when forgiving.
Forgiveness is a commitment

it takes dedication to forgive.
What Forgiveness Is Not:

Forgiveness is NOT condoning the wrong behavior.

“nothing that bad happened”
“it was only this one time”
“it won’t happen again”
Forgiveness is NOT forgetting about it.

“forgive and forget,” “suck it up” or “just get over it.”
Forgiveness is NOT denial, pretending it didn’t happen.

time passing / ignoring the effects of the wrongdoer.
Forgiveness is not condemning. Condemning implies permanence.

blaming, prescribing punishment, pronounce unfit, to declare incurable.
holding a grudge becomes a vicious cycle of bitterness, resentment and pain.
forgiving with a sense of moral superiority.
Remember: Forgiveness does not take the pain away.

To truly forgive we must be aware of an important distinction: Forgiveness is not reconciliation with the person. Reconciliation is different. Forgiveness is one person’s moral response to another person’s injustice.

I keep hearing forgiveness is for yourself and not the other person but what do you get when you find whatever IT is?

When you forgive – releasing your feelings of anger, hatred, bitterness and revenge towards another human being, you get your life back. Your health improves, you are free to be happy again, you get to keep good people in your life, and good things start happening to you again. If you harbor unforgiveness in your heart, you become unpleasant to be around and eventually good people start avoiding you. Your friends, family and children will empathize with you for some time, but if you don’t forgive at some point, you will become unpleasant to be around and eventually people will start avoiding you.

If you don’t forgive, your health is at risk.

Disappointment, criticism, hurt, abuse, loss, rejections, humiliation, abandonment, guilt, false guilt, hate, anger, or envy etc. profoundly affect the way your body functions. The flow of love through you is at risk of becoming blocked, and your health is at stake. It has been said: “One who hates another (blocks love) digs two graves.”

Your muscles may tighten, causing postural imbalances or pain in neck, back and limbs
Headaches may occur.
Muscles tension squeezes the joint surfaces together decreasing blood flow, making it more difficult for the blood to remove waste products from the cells and tissues. It reduces the supply of oxygen and nutrients to the cells. Both these contribute to delayed or inadequate tissue repair during sleep, impairing recovery from injury, arthritis, etc.
Your teeth may clench, especially at night, contributing to the dental bills for problems with your teeth and jaw joints.
Injury through inattention, accident, or violence is more likely.
The blood flow to your heart is constricted.
Your digestion is impaired.
Your breathing is restricted.
It is now beginning to be realized that your immune system functions less well.
If you have a tendency to allergy, the level at which the allergic response tends to trigger off can be reduced, so that allergic symptoms occur more frequently.
You become more vulnerable to infections, and perhaps cancer.
You feel bad, moody, irritable, and so on, and your mind is less able to see its way through problems and difficulties.
Making decisions can become harder.
You may become depressed – even suicidal.
Your creativity is reduced or even blocked.
Other side effects of not forgiving often include:

Depression
Low self-esteem
Depriving yourself
Remaining stuck (even developmentally)
Illness
Accidents
Addictions
I feel I need to get there but I don't know what or where it is for me?

Forgiveness is a learned skill. It doesn’t just happen. We take you through the process of forgiveness during our seminars.

I am sure it is different for everybody, please share what it is for you and if anything besides time and a regretful partner helped to get there?

This article on how to forgive may help you. Understanding what forgiveness really is helped me. Hearing stories of others who’ve forgiven helped me.

One of the most powerful of these has been The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom

A key to real forgiveness is learning to stop focusing on the past and focusing on the future instead, focusing on becoming your best self and reaching your full potential as a man or woman. In my own journey to forgiveness, as I worked on becoming all that I was capable of, I didn’t have time to think about the wrongs of the past anymore. Living your best life is the greatest revenge.

Two wrongs never make a situation right. Those who commit wrongs should bear the rightful consequences of their actions, but revengeful behaviors actually only serve to make them feel better about themselves (because deep down they know they deserve to be punished for what they've done). Kindness is actually the greatest revenge, but kindness does not mean we free people from the consequences of their behavior.

Other articles on forgiveness

What other's had to say about forgiveness:

I think that Forgiveness is the ability to know that the person who wronged you is just as human as you are. The part about it being about you is the part that is important. If you dont forgive and carry the anger around it becomes hate and hate turns you sour or black hearted. Although none of us can back to the innocent love we once knew, once forgiveness sets in you can truely love again. For me forgiveness is getting to the point where we can talk about what happened without tears, frustration and so on. I am almost there, but not quite! As far as trust-this must be earned not forgiven. - Michelle – Texas

I'm sure forgiveness means different things to different people as much as love has many different meanings or definitions. For me, forgiveness is summed up in one sentence. When the wrong that was committed on me (by whomever) no longer controls who I am. - Darren - Hawaii

Well said. In particular the part that trust must be earned and not forgiven. I have, for the most part, forgiven the affair. ... My wife is, however, still lying to me. I believe she wants to spare me further pain but I have told her that she must answer my questions truthfully. … I think we really love one another at least I do. Her behavior indicates that she loves me dearly too, except for the lies. We are going to get divorced over this. … It appears that everything is ok but when I tell her that for me to heal I must know some truths she will not face this request. She tells me that she already told me all the truth and there is nothing else but I just found out (and she confirmed) that she has lied again. … So, I have forgiven her for the affair because of the irrationality of the moment. I cannot forgive her for the deliberate hurt she is dispensing me right now by not telling the truth and because she has once again broken the trust I had started rebuilding in her. That instance, brought me back to D-day.

The single most important thing that has helped me forgive her is the knowledge I have aquired reading all the excellent books on the subject and, of course, sharing with the BAN community. I understood that the affair was not my fault and how easy it could happen to anyone. - G.C. - Virginia

If you'd like to submit a comment on this topic, send an email to info@beyondaffairs.com

More articles on forgiveness:

How do you forgive an extramarital affair?

12 Steps to Forgiveness

Trusting and Forgiving After an Affair

Words on Forgiveness by an Affair Survivor

©Copyright 2007 Anne and Brian Bercht. All rights reserved.

Great quotes by affair survivors:

“We were in marriage counseling for years, and in some weird way it became a crutch. The 'knowing' didn't cut it. It's only the application of the knowledge that can result in a loving marriage.” – Hollis, Idaho

For information about confidential coaching with Brian or Anne click here.

If you would like to share a success story, helpful insight or comment on this article we welcome your remarks. Email your questions or comments to Brian and/or Anne info@beyondaffairs.com .

(Due to the large volume of emails we receive, we cannot answer all emails, but we care about every person who contacts us and will do our best to respond personally to you.)

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Saved Marriage: A True Story of Infidelity

2007-08-23T08:17:00.000-07:00

From Dr. Frank Gunzburg:

Several people responded with stories that were so powerful, we called them up and recorded the WHOLE STORY. With the help of my editor Spencer, we captured the drama from beginning to end and want to share how one couple fought viciously to save their marriage of 32 years after Jerry had a 2 year affair.

Below is the story of Julie and Jerry Hamernick. These are real people and we HAVE NOT CHANGED their name. And yes, this is their picture to the left. They agreed very enthusiastically about sharing their identify.

As a matter of fact, they offered to post their phone number so people could call them. I thought that would not be the best idea, but if you would like to send an email I will be happy to forward it to them. (I will include a special email address at the end of this email) Here is their story.

Jerry & Julie Hamernick:
For 32 years Jerry and Julie Hamernick had the perfect marriage - 5 loving children, 13 grandchildren, 2 successful businesses, a house in Florida and one in Minnesota, and the money and leisure to travel around the world. They were living the American dream.

"People thought we were the ideal couple. They would tell us we were their model. I guess I kind of thought that way also. In my heart, I thought it was indestructible ..."

At least that's what Julie thought until Jerry revealed the horrible truth that he was having an affair.

"We were on vacation in the Caribbean and Jerry had been different - that's the only way I can describe it - he was hyper, preoccupied, so I asked him the question, I said, 'You seem so sad. You seem so preoccupied. Is there something you want to tell me?" I never expected the answer I got.

"I'll never forget the first sentence Jerry said to me. He said, 'You know, you've been so busy and you had rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia, and you didn't feel good. You didn't seem to feel like making love much ... I've found someone else and I've been seeing her for six months ...'

"I was totally numb when I heard those words. I was like a dead man walking. I didn't feel anything. I didn't dare to feel. It was like I was in shock. I could hardly believe my ears. I really, truly thought it was a dream and that I would wake up. Only I didn't ...

"Do you love her?" I cried.

"I think I do. I love you, but I just don't think I'm in love with you anymore."

"I wanted to go home. But we had guests with us, so I put on a face and pretended like nothing had happened for two weeks. I pretty much denied it. I thought I could control it. So, I kept it secret.

"I was too embarrassed to talk to anyone ... humiliated is the word. Everyone thought we had this perfect marriage, and I didn't want them to know we didn't. I lived those two weeks of vacation pretending I was happy ...

"Once we got home and I was in my familiar surrounding again, I went right to the internet and typed in "cheating husbands," or something like that. That's when I found Dr. Gunzburg's work ...

"I started reading Dr. Gunzburg's emails. One of the most helpful things as time went on were those letters from the doctor. I would gobble up every one. I would print them and leave them lay on Jerry's desk. He would read them, and sometimes we would discuss them. Those letters gave me the courage to keep on keeping on, even when things were darkest. I'll never give those letters up, even now that we're comfortable and happy again.

"So as soon as I found How to Survive an Affair, I paid the bucks and started reading the book. I began to realize as soon as I was reading it that I wasn't alone and that all those feelings I felt were normal.

"For example, I'm known in the community as a strong person, a professional woman. I'm pretty sassy and pretty spunky and I don't let anybody walk on me. People would say, 'If you've got a problem take it to Julie, she'll fight it for you.' I was a stand up person.

"That all went away when I learned about the affair. All of a sudden I just couldn't do anything.

"Immediately I didn't think I had value. I started telling myself, 'If I had sex more often, if I hadn't worked so hard and so long in our business, if I lost weight, if I started doing more sport activities, he would love me. I just thought it was all me. I knew he was the person who had done the act. But I was trying to figure out how I had caused him to do that.

"I didn't think I could ever have anyone else. I didn't think anyone would want me. I thought I was too fat and unattractive. I felt like I had nothing to offer. I lost all of me. I lost thinking that I was a desirable person, that I had value, that I was smart. It just went away and I got pretty depressed.

"Dr. Gunzburg helped me realize all of those feelings were normal after learning about an affair. I took a lot from the book in self-affirmations and getting back that it wasn't my fault. Certainly every person contributes to problems in their marriage, but the affair wasn't my fault. I had to learn that, and I learned it."

As important as these realizations were for Julie, the work had only begun on their marriage. Just buying and reading the program didn't change Jerry and Julie's relationship automatically. It took time for that to happen. You see, Jerry didn't quit the affair.

For 3 years he continued to see the other woman.
"It was a really weird time for me. During 30 years of marriage, I was never one of those guys that would go out to bars and stuff like that. Julie and I did everything together. I'd go out with the guys on golfing or fishing trips, but I wasn't one of those guys that went off to the bars and the girlie shows. It was never part of my interest.

"I still wonder today why I did what I did. I wasn't out there looking for it. The affair started innocently. I was in a bar (I think alcohol had something to do with it), and we were drinking. A friend introduced us. We went out and danced. We started talking. Then one thing led to another ...

"When I first told Julie, I REALLY wanted to stop it because I could see how much I was hurting her. But for some reason I just couldn't. And I'm a pretty strong person. I'm very self-disciplined. I used to be a world-class athlete. I know what it takes to be self-disciplined. I just had no control over what I was doing or what I wanted. It was like an addiction. I couldn't stay away from it.

"I think I was feeling sorry for myself. It seemed like I was taking a back seat to Julie's work in our business. She was doing a great job at the business, but we were drifting apart emotionally and physically.

"I would keep saying things like, 'Why don't you come to bed?' I'm a very passionate, sexual person which had always been a part of our marriage. But over the last few years, it had gotten less and less. I kept thinking, 'Well she's busy, it's business.' But it was wearing on me.

"In addition, a couple years before she got hit with rheumatoid and fibro and the medication she was taking detracted even more from our sex life.

"I wanted to talk with her about my feelings, but I was afraid she didn't love me anymore. I was afraid to talk.

"It wasn't a good excuse, but I used it ... At the time, I was looking for excuses, and there is no justifiable excuse. Really, I was just feeling sorry for myself. I was looking for somebody that would love me. I wanted to feel loved again physically. I've always felt loved emotionally by Julie, but I wanted to feel loved physically.

"Some of my children even thought I was on cocaine. I wasn't. I've never taken drugs, but I was acting that weird. But when you're there, you can't quite see it yourself.

"I couldn't understand it. I couldn't understand why I didn't stay away from that woman. I tried many times. Over 3 years I broke it off 14 times and told her it was over..."

"I kept going back, I still can't understand it."
For 3 years Julie and Jerry were trapped in a vicious cycle where Jerry would leave to be with his mistress for several days at a time leaving Julie stranded on an emotional battlefield. He would even tell Julie he was going to see the other woman. Then he would call home, say he had made a mistake, and ask if he could come home again.

"I had really mixed emotions about what was going on. Was I going to welcome this guy home when I knew where he had been? But I was unable to not take him back. So he would arrive at my door looking like a street bum - he was disheveled, his shirt was hanging out and wrinkled, his eyes were red and swollen, he was crying - and he would hold a bouquet of roses, look at me with big puppy dog eyes and say, 'Can I come home?' I'd let him in and soon we'd become involved and it would lead to intimate things.

"I hated myself for that. I would think, 'How can I be intimate with this man when I know where he was and I know he was just being intimate with someone else?'"

When Julie took Jerry back, he felt a kind of absolution, as though his sins were washed away. He would try to do the work necessary to repair his marriage. They would live "normally" for weeks, even months at a time. Julie would believe Jerry was really done with it this time. Then the whole cycle would start all over.

During the "good" times, they tried to rebuild their marriage. They sought counseling as a couple, but it didn't work. They didn't click with the counselor. They tried other books and programs, but none of them really stuck. Jerry kept trying to reform, but he couldn't give up his "addiction." Julie kept hoping that she would make Jerry see the light. She saw the man she was married to wasn't "her Jerry." He wasn't even "Jerry's Jerry." He was someone else.

One of the things that held their marriage together during this difficult period was How to Survive an Affair. They both kept reading and re-reading the book and working the exercises in it. The hope Dr. Gunzburg inspired in Julie kept her going. And Jerry was slowly learning how to open up to his feelings and communicate them.

"We would sit together in this kind of quiet, sad silence reading.

"We would both highlight the book, him with a blue marker, me with a yellow marker, then we would talk about what we had highlighted."

They also did some of the journaling exercises outlined in How to Survive an Affair and, according to Julie that was the only way they could communicate for a long time.

"I couldn't communicate without crying and accusing and screaming, and Jerry couldn't communicate because he was inward and private so we would put our feelings on paper and share with each other that way in the early phases. We read each other's journal entries and discussed them. It was the only way we could begin to communicate.

"The whole time, I wanted to hear one sentence from him and that was 'I love only you.' He would say it in a million ways, but he would never say that one sentence. He just never gave her up during those three years, and I really knew that.

"I went through such emotional roller coasters. I cocooned. I didn't feel like going out and doing things. I didn't feel like seeing my friends. I just wanted to be by myself."

For 3 years, Julie rode this emotional roller coaster, hoping that it would all work out and relying on what she learned in How to Survive an Affair to help her through these difficult times.

Finally, after 3 years and taking Jerry back 13 times Julie gave up. She finally had enough of Jerry and she was ready to get a divorce and move on with her life.

"The last straw for me was number 13. We had a very sad dinner, but warm and we had been intimate and it felt very loving and real the night before he left the 13th time.

I didn't think there was a possibility in the world that he could actually pack his bags and leave the next morning when we had this intimate, warm feeling night with each other. He got up in the morning brought me breakfast, then he packed his bags and suggested I don't watch when he leaves and he walked out the door.

"At that point I thought, 'Whose the sick person here?
It just hit me. All this time I was thinking Jerry was sick. Then I suddenly realized I was the sick person. Enough was enough was enough! I could be happier without him than I could be with him.

"I just thought, 'She's getting the best part of him and I'm the one in pain.'

"That last night of intimacy and then him waking up and packing his bags the next morning was kind of a killer. It wiped the slate clean for me. It was like, 'I don't even feel love for this man anymore.'

"I was pretty done at that point. I thought it was over."
That was when Julie finally decided to tell someone what was happening to her. She had a conference call with her children, told them what she planned to do, and called a friend for support.

"Obviously I tried keeping the affair a secret and didn't look for a support system, which is one of the first things Dr. Gunzburg recommends in How to Survive an Affair. That didn't work. So I decided to follow his advice. Once I had my support system I was able to make the move I made... "

"The move that saved our marriage."
Julie packed all of Jerry's possessions, his clothes, golf clubs, trophies, old letters, anything she could think of, and put them in the garage. She changed the locks on her doors, and went to a friend's house to stay.

Then she found an attorney, and started filing papers for divorce.

"I was done. I didn't have much emotion for him left. I had decided he gave me a lot of good things for a long time, but I couldn't live this way anymore and I was better off not living this way anymore. I felt like I had to survive for myself now."

When Jerry came home and saw everything he owned in the garage it struck him like a punch in the stomach.

"The very last time I was with my mistress, I had this sense - it was like a sixth sense - that I really didn't want to be with this woman. I also realized something drastic was changing at home with Julie.

"When I saw all my stuff in the garage, I tried to call our kids and none of them answered my calls. Until my eldest daughter called me back. Actually, she's my daughter from a previous marriage. Julie is her step mom, but she calls her mom. She did a kind of intervention with me. She really laid into me and told me what I had done wrong.

"It was then that I hit bottom.

"When I opened that garage I knew ... I knew all the way home I didn't love Jackie. I knew how much I really loved Julie. I finally knew what I wanted, but when I opened that door I thought it was too late.

"That was the turning point in my life. When I had the freedom to choose, I realized this isn't what I want. This isn't where I want to be. I don't even love that other woman. Then when I saw all my stuff was packed, I had the feeling that I had blown what I really wanted and I decided that if I ever got the chance I would never blow it again."

Even though Jerry had finally decided what he wanted, Julie didn't want to have anything to do with him anymore. She wouldn't respond to his phone calls or emails. The trust was finally shattered and she didn't want to take him back. She was ready for a divorce.

Jerry realized that if he had any chance of saving his marriage he had to open up to his true feelings and share them with his wife as outlined in How to Survive an Affair.

Instead of calling day after day, Jerry settled on a different tactic. He decided to write Julie a letter - something he had never done before.

"He wrote me a letter titled 'Trying to Understand Myself' that showed up on my fax machine. That was the turning point that made me stop and take another look and do it the 14th time. In it he recalled his first memory in childhood. He shared things in that letter I knew, but I realized there was so much more to learn about this man. He finally opened up to me."

Jerry had been burying his true feelings for years. When he became afraid that his wife stopped loving him he buried the feelings, terrified that he might be right and that the woman he truly cared for no longer cared for him.

It was, in part, that act of burying his emotions that perpetuated the affair. He thought he would find solace in someone else. He thought he could run from his true feelings, but what he learned was something completely the opposite.

"I was amazed of all the different feelings that the doctor said I would have from my perspective. They are really RIGHT on target. I realized that I wasn't acknowledging and admitting them to myself. I think it would have been over a lot earlier if I had been able to do that.

"Until you can be honest with yourself you can't be honest with your spouse. Until you learn to talk and communicate with feelings and honesty you're really not communicating. She'd ask me questions and I'd skirt around the answers because I was afraid of my own feelings. I learned to be honest with myself about my feelings by reading what Dr. Gunzburg said."

That act of honesty was what convinced Julie to open her heart to Jerry once more and try it one last time. And this time it worked.
"Once he started talking and telling me, I opened up my brain and said, 'Receive anything he says. No criticism. No nothing. Just receive what he says.' We started talking about his feelings and my feelings. When Jerry started communicating I began to appreciate him again.

"That was when the book was REALLY remarkable. After Jerry left the other woman everything fit. We could use the tools in the book to resolve problems in our marriage.

"I learned a lot in the book from understanding how it happened and the dangers of neglecting each other ... and ourselves ... becoming kind of passive in our passion, just assuming that a good marriage was there and that it would tolerate anything.

"It helped me realize there were things I was responsible for. There were a lot of things we had sort of gotten blasé about in our marriage. The biggest thing was communicating our feelings. Often times I would say, 'Remember the book ... it tells you you have to answer my questions!'

"Once we were both able to say things honestly about our emotions like 'That makes me feel hurt or neglected or I'm not important to you ...,' once we began to share intimate feelings I began to understand how it happened.

"I guess I understand it now. I'm not without guilt in this. I didn't have the affair, but things in our 'perfect' kind of marriage had broken down. I was involved in my business and didn't stop to look. I had this comfort zone that 'nothing would ever happen to MY marriage. It was perfect.'

"Now we have learned that there is no comfort zone. You have to keep working at a marriage."

As they began to learn how to communicate again, Jerry and Julie's marriage began to have a new life, but there were still more steps that needed to be taken.

For one thing, Jerry had to work through giving a heartfelt apology for what he had done. He used the steps in How to Survive an Affair and was able to create an apology that Julie could tell came from the deepest parts of his heart.

In addition, Jerry and Julie had to learn how to start going out together and being together once more. Using the steps in the book they developed new interests they could share and began to fall in love all over again.

But probably the most important lesson Julie and Jerry learned from How to Survive an Affair was the fact that they couldn't go back to their old marriage, they had to move forward to a marriage that was better than it had ever been before.

"One of the things we learned is that we couldn't have our old marriage back."
"The other woman is in the old marriage. It's 32 years long, but she's in it and we don't want it back.

"So we're starting over. We're falling in love. We're doing things that are different from the old marriage.

"Yesterday is a perfect example, we woke up and Jerry said, 'Let's take a drive.' We called it a Discovery Day. We stopped at a winery we didn't even know we had in our area and we tasted wine. Then we stopped at a cheese farm a few more miles up the road, and we had them make sandwiches. Then we took our wine and sandwiches and we went to a state park on the river and we ate lunch, laid out a blanket, and took a nap by the river.

"This is the most unheard of thing on Jerry's part. He's a 'Type A' personality. He speeds faster than life. For him to make the effort to do a slow, appreciative, 'smell-the-roses' kind of thing that I'm more into ... He did that for me. And he enjoyed it!

"We started to take up boating. I was never into that. I'm kind of scared of the water. So we take it slow (he does that for me), and now we're boaters. We go to the beach. I try to do more sporty things. We play golf a bit together now.

"We do the things that people do when they start relationships to impress each other. We do little things we never did before."

To this Jerry adds, "She's probably gotten more roses in the last couple months than she has in the last 30 years. I know she likes them so I try to get her some every week." In response Julie laughs giddily like a young woman who has fallen in love all over again.

"We're never going to get in the comfort zone again. We're going to appreciate. We're going to talk and keep communicating. Now we're aware of the danger zone.

"I don't think I ever believed there would be a danger zone. I was in the comfort zone. We don't believe one should get in the comfort zone anymore. You have to nurture a relationship for WAY longer than 32 years ..."

Jerry and Julie have now made it a priority to express their appreciation for each other - which is one of the three "A's" Dr. Gunzburg says are so critical for a happy marriage.

"Now, everyday, we let each other know that we appreciate each other. My wife is all these things, all the things I wanted and all the things she didn't think she was. She's beautiful and charming and intelligent. I almost destroyed that in her. I think that hurts me more than anything. I'm very thankful and I tell her how thankful I am...

I thank God every day when I get up that's she's as forgiving as she is and that she loves me. Now I just try to prove to her every day that I love her more than she loves me."

Julie and Jerry have made it through the storm that almost shattered their marriage. And they have come out the other side happy and in love once more.

"People ask me, 'How could you take him back 14 times'...
I say, 'Because that's how long it took.' I didn't want to cut off my nose to spite my face. I loved this man. I knew he was a good person that made bad decisions.

"Now we've finally crossed into a level of trust. I never thought that would happen. Of course, I'm sometimes afraid it will happen again, so we talk about that. We talk about it, and it makes me feel better.

For women usually talking makes them feel better and for men it usually makes them want to avoid it, but I guess Jerry has decided he's going to give me whatever I need to feel comfortable again, because he's been very open and communicative.

"You know, we just celebrated our 35th anniversary. I NEVER thought we would make it. In September we're flying to Hawaii for two weeks, and there's a special, tiny little place that has a chapel on that island. We're going to renew our wedding vows there and start over.

"We keep reading and working through How to Survive an Affair. We read the book early and we continue to refer back to it. Now we're planning to reread it again. It helped us save our marriage."

Healing Through Discovering Your Passion

2007-08-16T22:14:00.000-07:00

From Anne Brecht, www.beyondaffairs.com :

I want to highlight a very important aspect of healing you've discovered which I think is often overlooked. Like you, I believe every person has a unique set of natural gifts and talents, which are designed to enhance the lives of other people we share the planet with. I believe that we each have a unique job to do on this earth, to make the world (or the lives of others) better in some way. I believe no one can do your "job" quite the way you do it, and if you aren't doing what you're meant to do in this life, others will suffer. YOU cannot be replaced.

Most people never truly understand their own unique talents because they spend a lifetime comparing their weaknesses to the strengths of other people. For most it's very difficult to recognize our own strengths because whatever we naturally do well, comes so easily for us, that we take it for granted, wrongfully thinking, "that's nothing, anyone could do that." It's also hard to truly appreciate and love other people when we don't recognize our own unique strengths, because we see the strengths in others and feel inwardly threatened by it. It's only when you understand your own strengths, that you can also truly admire the strengths of others.

As we move along in this Healing From Affairs journey, there is a place where it is helpful to begin to find our own niche in life. Who are you anyway? What are your strengths? What is your purpose? When you find what you're meant to be doing, and start doing it, it helps you to focus on a better future for yourself. For many our greatest weaknesses can become our greatest strengths. For myself, in the past, my greatest weakness has always been forgiving people. I was a champion of unforgiveness. If anyone was a master of holding on to even small offenses for years it was me. Who would ever have imagined that I would one day be teaching others how to forgive!!!! And what blows me away about my life is now people say, "yes, but Anne, you're different, you're so strong, I'm not strong like you." I feel like shouting, "I'M NOT ONE BIT STRONG!" But I guess that's not true. I am strong now. I BECAME strong through all of this.

I was watching Oprah once a long time ago and they had a show on about a woman who's husband had had an affair and left her for the other woman. This woman had no skills (so she was convinced) and no job and no means of supporting herself. She had no income and she was thoroughly depressed. (We all get that part!). The bills were mounting in and she didn't even have the energy to face her situation. She sat home crying. One day she remembered creditors coming to her door, and she was so depressed and so afraid, that she sat crying under her dining room table hidden by a long table cloth, while creditors knocked on her door.

Later a friend came over and they discussed her dire situation. She needed money. She said the only thing she knew how to do was make muffins. She started making muffins and selling them to neighbours. She saw a need to make low-fat muffins. They became quite popular with whoever she tried to sell them to. Then she came up with the idea of approaching McDonalds restaurants with her low-fat muffins. They bought the idea and she became millionaire. I'm sorry, I don't remember the womans name, but I never forgot that story.

Anne Bercht
Director, Beyond Affairs Network
3499 Applewood Dr.
Abbotsford, BC V3G 3G3
Canada
Email: ban@beyondaffairs.com
Phone: 604.859.9393
www.beyondaffairs.com

Beyond Betrayal: Life After Infidelity

2007-08-07T15:16:00.000-07:00

Here's a new article from Psychology Today written by Frank Pittman.

"Beyond Betrayal: Life After Infidelity" by Frank Pittman.....a counselor with over 30 years of experience working with couples going through the aftermath of infidelity.....and here's the link.....hope it works....

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/index.php?term=pto-1681.html&fromMod=popular_sex

Chelsea's Letter to Homewreckers (O.P.=other person)

2007-08-05T15:28:00.000-07:00

A letter written by Chelsea Badeau from www.comcast.net

Okay, I'm just gonna say it: I am sick and tired of men and women who knowingly get involved with married people and then try to take the high road and place ALL of the blame on the cheating spouse.

Now don't get me wrong. I am not trying to free the cheating spouse of wrongdoing. In fact, they are the ones who are ultimately at fault, considering they are breaking their wedding vows. I have written columns to and about married cheaters in the past. However, I don't think that the men and women who knowingly 'date' married people should be let off the hook. They are a major part of the reason the moral fibers of society are being shredded to pieces. They should be held responsible for the role they play in destroying marriages and families. As we all know, and someone recently reminded me, "it takes two to tango," so two people, not one, should share the blame and shame.

So without further ado, here is my 'Letter to Homewreckers' (and you know exactly who you are):

Maybe you didn't know there was someone else at first. Maybe you had suspicions that you weren't the only one, but you couldn't confirm it right away. But soon you knew for sure. There was no denying it. Or maybe you knew right from the start, but just didn't care. Or could it be that your self-esteem is in the toilet and you are so desperate that you will take any attention from anybody?

Or perhaps you knew your 'boyfriend' or 'girlfriend' was married and that knowledge intensified your twisted attraction and desire to become involved. If you are enticed by the 'thrill' of sneaking around and living the 'dangerous' life of 'dating' a married person, you need to seriously consider the type of person you are. It's sad and scary that sharing someone gets your adrenaline pumping.

Or, have you convinced yourself that he or she truly loves you and is 'trying' to end things with the spouse so that he or she can be with you and the two of you can ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after? Wake up! What makes you think that a man or woman who would cheat on the spouse and jeopardize the family is a good person that actually cares about you? Even if he or she ever did leave the spouse, do you really think he or she would be faithful to you? You are truly deluding yourself if you think this is even a remote possibility.

It would be different if you were clueless and had no idea that the person you are seeing had a significant other and family at home. But you do know. You know and yet you do not care. You do not care about yourself or the innocent spouse and child(ren) that are being hurt by your selfish and disgusting behavior. How can you sleep at night knowing that you are involved with someone that has a husband or a wife and child(ren)?

Have you stooped so low as to contact, insult, or harass the spouse? How can you justify taking out your jealousy and misdirected anger on that innocent spouse who has done absolutely nothing wrong in this whole sticky mess? How can you convince yourself that he or she 'deserves' to be cheated on for being 'stupid' and not leaving? No innocent person 'deserves' to be mistreated. Did it ever occur to you that even if the spouse does know about you, simply getting a divorce isn't always an easy option, especially when child(ren), family, history, and feelings are involved? Leave the spouse alone!

No matter what your 'boyfriend' or 'girlfriend' has done or said to convince you otherwise, as an adult, you should be able to see right from wrong and make decisions for yourself and know that you are not living right.

Why are you settling for leftovers? Why are you satisfied with being with someone who is spending every major holiday with someone else? Doesn't it bother you that your 'boyfriend' or 'girlfriend' is buying someone else Valentine's Day gifts? Why do you care about someone who is saying 'I love you' to someone else?

Even if you don't care about the spouse or child(ren) you are hurting or the family you are helping to tear apart, have a little self respect and care about yourself! I am sorry if this seems harsh, but it's meant to be. And if nothing I have said resonates with you, and you plan to continue to point the finger of blame and sneak around with married people, my final word to you is: karma!

Remarriage: Does the one who sins against his or her spouse through adultery have the right and privilege to remarry?

2007-08-01T05:19:00.000-07:00

According to the Word of God is the one who puts away his/her scouse. permitted to remarry?

Matthew 19:9, "And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery."

1 Corinthians 7:10-12, "And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from herhusband: 11 But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife. 12 But to the rest speak I, not the Lord: If any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away.

Conclusions: The one who sins against his or her spouse by putting him or her away DOES NOT HAVE THE PRIVILEGE OF REMARRIAGE. The only recourse they have is to be reunited with their spouse, or remain unmarried. If both the husband and the wife are guilty in the breaking of the marriage bond, then, they both are to remain unmarried or be reunited in marriage.

What about the one who has been sinned against/put away?

Matthew 19:9, "And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery."

Deuteronomy 24:2, " And when she is departed out of his house, she may go and be another man's wife."

1 Corinthians 7:15, "But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace."

1 Corinthians 7:27-28, "Art thou bound unto a wife? seek not to be loosed. Art thou loosed from a wife? seek not a wife. 28 But and if thou marry, thou hast not sinned; and if a virgin marry, she hath not sinned. Nevertheless such shall have trouble in the flesh: but I spare you."

Conclusions: The marriage spouse who has been sinned against by being wrongfully put away (divorced) is set free from the marriage bond by the action of their spouse and therefore may remarry if he/she so chooses.

You Are Not Alone

2007-07-31T20:59:00.001-07:00

Dr. Robert Huzeiga:

Recent statistics suggest that 40% of women and 60% of
men at one point indulge in an affair.

Put those numbers together and it is estimated that 80%
of the marriages will have one spouse at one point or
another involved in an affair.

So, you are not alone.

There are patterns, themes and characteristics -- ways of
feeling and thinking that will bombard you and others in
similar situations.

In the lessons and recommendations that follow you will
begin to learn about patterns and themes that are typical of
those who have been a victim of an affair.

You will also learn what NOT to do.

That's right. If you want to heal your marriage or
relationship, there are things that I can guarantee that you
are doing that are pushing your spouse into the arms of
their lover.

I will teach you strategies, I will teach you how to
take control over your emotions and help you and your
spouse heal.

I want you to be confidently decisive.

Part of being decisive and planning a strategy is knowing
what you are up against.

I want you to be more than a loose cannon flailing around
on the deck.

You want to know the target, aim carefully and have a real
good idea of what will happen when you shoot.

An affair is not an affair. Affairs are exceedingly complex.

Part of your hopelessness comes from being confronted
with something that makes no sense, and to be blunt,
seems crazy.

I want you to know where you are going, how to get there
and know when you arrive.

I want you to know that you can make it through the affair.
I want you to come to the conclusion that perhaps the
affair is the best thing that happened.

That's right.

Your marriage can be infinitely better and you can be
better.

The major purpose of this series of messages is to get you
started in the right direction and to begin acting now on
significant, well-thought-out, time-tested strategies.

You are not helpless. You do have power; more than what
you probably realize.

You need to find that power. Know that power.

I believe you have before you one of the best resources on the
Internet that goes through step by step how to heal your marriage
or relationship after an affair.

It is a very quick, to the point helpful e-book by called
"Break Free From the Affair". I truly am humbled by the hundreds
of testimonials I have received.

In it I discuss the 7 forms of affairs and why we have
them. Not only that, but I also go through what you are
feeling, what your spouse is feeling and then teach you
how to deal with it.

Think of it this way.

We tend to want to learn how to do better the very things
that don't work, but actually make things worse.

Get this?

I see it in myself and I hear it every day from dissatisfied people.
We keep doing over and over the very things that buy us grief.

This E-book offers you a contrast between tactics that work
and tactics that fail.

Some tactics defy common sense.

Others seem contrary to what we are taught.

Begin to learn. Begin to notice. Begin to understand the
wide range of responses that are available to you to break
free from or remain in the affair.

COMMUNICATION: How do I get peace and out of the battle zone?

2007-07-24T18:07:00.000-07:00

Jim Smoke (from book "Single Again and Secure in God's Love:):

Live in the Quiet Zone.

"Susan was fit to be tied. She had just gone through another gruelling 40-minute telephone discussion with her former spouse. What started out as an attempt to resolve some visitation times for the children quickly escalated to a full blown yelling, accusing, and crying match. Debris from the past hurled over the telephone lines and exploded on each party with the impact of a grenade.

Susan finally looked at me and said: 'I can't live this way anymore. The divorce was bad enough, but these after-effects are even worse. What can I do?'

I shared with her 2 questions I have asked many people caught in the divorce crossfire. What can I live with? What can I not live with? These questions help people set up protective boundaries. They also establish priorities.

You can waste a lot of time and energy fighting battles that have no meaningful solution. If you take the time to get out of the battle zone, you can begin to focus on your own growth and development. With the land mines of potential conflict over long-dead issues are placed in your pathway, stop long enough to say out loud, 'I refuse to use my mental and emotional energies in this conflict. I will focus on my desire to live a quiet life. I will mind my own business and I will get on with the real work of my life.'

Someone once summed up useless conflict by stating, 'Put the past in the past and learn to live in the present.' Rehashing yesterday's mistakes will not make living in today any easier. Continuous aggravation does not make for a quiet spirit.

Your number one priority after divorce is rebuilding your family and yourself. You can only do that if you stay away from yesterday's garbage, and you'll need intent and determination yo guide you through it

Proverbs 15:1 is a great aid to growth and is worth memorizing: 'A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.'

The words of St. Paul are also helpful: 'But we urge you, brethren, that you increase more and more: that you also aspire to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business, and to work with your own hands, as we commanded you' (1 Thessalonians 4: 10, 11).

If you are constantly in the battle zone, then relocate to the quiet zone."

Communication: How Do I Get Him to Talk? This Dance Tires and Irritates Me

2007-07-24T18:04:00.000-07:00

Dr. Robert Huizenga:
www.break-free-from-the-affair.com
www.infidelity-help.com

How Do I Get Him to Talk? This Dance Tires and Irritates Me

In this Featured article you will learn:

the difficult question Erin must ask and answer and two sub questions that will get her on the right path and keep her there
how you can feel great sharing your wisdom and help others through infidelity
how you can be one of the first 50 who will receive a special invitation to receive a new tape series produced by Dr. Huizenga that will prove hugely invaluable in breaking free from the affair
First, here's a coaching review by Dr. Huizenga of a taped Laser Coaching Session with Erin:

Erin's drummer husband moved out to be with his lover, although he doesn't know that Erin knows he's with the OP (other person). The other person has a history of severe personal neediness.

He saunters back home frequently. He hasn't asked for a divorce. He hasn't said he doesn't love Erin. Actually, he has said very little. However, tears emerge periodically.

Erin recently stopped quizzing and pulling information from him. Probing did not work. She began acting "happy and confident" - as some books prescribe.

His response is friendly, less cool, but with still little self-disclosure.

To break the impasse, Erin considers telling all - what she knows that he doesn't know she knows.

As well, she practices one-liners that point to the dire consequences of his behavior, considering the history of instability and personal neediness of the OP.

Dr. Huizenga 's Review:

1. The tape with Erin points to particular features of the struggle in the intimacy-distance dance of affair #7: "I Want to be Close to Someone, But Can't Stand Intimacy."

Let's start first with what was. Erin describes herself as the stable, cohesive person in their marriage. She held it together. She made decisions and for the most part, managed their lives. She was there for him. She met his needs on a variety of levels.

Family therapy circles might describe Erin as a rescuer. Her role was to pull the couple out of trouble and made sure they stayed there. For a period of time this worked.

And then her husband found someone more personally needy than he and he became the "rescuer." He relished the role, perhaps feeling a sense of power and purpose in being the "one-up." He describes his feelings in this relationship as one of being "in love."

This created, of course, tremendous upset for Erin. She no longer had a role with him. He no longer acknowledged her worth or place in the relationship other than in a perfunctory way.

So, what was Erin to do? She saw herself in competition with the other woman. Was she to become more "needy" than the other person, to stir her husbands need to rescue with her? Nope. She was not that person. And, she probably couldn't pull it off very well anyway.

2. A prominent characteristic of "I Want to Be Close to Someone, But, Can't Stand Intimacy" is superficial, forced, polite conversation. The important issues are seldom addressed thoroughly or in depth.

As a matter of face, Erin's husband did not know that Erin knew about the details of his relationship with the other person. This was a secret, or elephant standing in the middle of the room, that went unacknowledged.

Erin attempted to strike up conversations, hoping to gain information on which to approach him or make her decisions. His responses were evasive at best. He also would send mixed vague messages. For example, he would look at her with tears in his eyes and then leave with no explanation of where he was going or when he would return.

From Break Free From the Affair: (you) Find yourself giving a tremendous amount of energy to the process. It takes great effort being around him. It takes great effort communicating verbally with him. You are emotionally taxed at every turn. It’s like “pulling teeth” as you attempt to elicit from him some form of self disclosure. He gives you a little but not enough. You throw up your hands and he offers a little more. You ask for more and he backs away. Balancing the teeter-totter is work.

It's impossible to read a closed book. Mind reading is extremely dangerous. Erin was spending considerable energy trying to find out what he wanted and what he was thinking. She was growing weary and resentful.

She also described past strategies of pleading, begging, crying and reacting. Did not work. So, she shifted to "acting happy and confident." Neither elicited any changes from him. Erin felt stuck and powerless, doing what she thought would bring about change, but ending with disappointment and frustration.

3. I explored with Erin the possibility of telling him everything she knew about him and the other person. Erin also was throwing around that option, but had not taken any action. "What if it throws him back to the other person?" she worried.

There is more to this strategy, however. Pointing out the elephant most likely would dramatically change the pattern of the dance between the two of them. And when that pattern is changed, both enter into the unknown.

Sometimes the familiar, even though distasteful, is better than the unknown, which probably holds hope for rebirth.

This is what I say about truth telling in Break Free From the Affair:

Tip: The biggest obstacle for this couple is garnering the courage to the face the truth. Truth telling (either, I’m involved with someone else or, I know you are involved with someone else) will begin the healing and growth process. Both will have an opportunity to evaluate the relationship, explore and define their needs and begin charting a future that holds for them greater freedom and enhanced capacity for intimacy. They will begin to LIVE, whether they choose to maintain the marriage or divorce.

4. I asked Erin a difficult question: "Do you REALLY want to be married to him?" This, I hoped, would stimulate Erin to think about herself. And, when Erin begins thinking about herself the doors begin to open for healing and change. This is the beginning point.

What does this mean?

Well, two sub questions put flesh on the main question and prepare her to better confront her husband in ways that might be profitable for both.

These questions are:

How much are you willing to tolerate? and,
When, where and how will you draw a line?
Confrontation need not be sudden, dramatic or impose an ultimatum. Healthy confrontation is well thought out, explores a number of avenues and options and can be open ended.

5. I pointed Erin to two options or strategies for which she could prepare and execute.

A favorite question of mine is: "What would you REALLY like to say to him?" The sky is the limit here. Don't censor. Think about what wells up from within. Rephrase sentences and ideas. Play with them. Don't be afraid.

The key is to get the phrases into the open and them begin reshaping them and formulating them in a way that will be heard. Your objective is not to blast. Your objective is to structure and articulate your self disclosure in ways that will bring about the highest good for both of you.

In Break Free From the Affair, for affair #7, "I Want to be Close to Someone, But Can't Stand Intimacy," I refer to a tactic called Step Over Nothing.

You don’t get the response you would like? Feel like you are still “pussy-footing” around the issues? Your frustration level is mounting? Turn it up a notch by using what I call Step Over Nothing. Go for it. Be willing to say something when you hear it. Honor the inklings and intuitions that tell you that something is amiss in what happened. Nothing is sacred. You know that elephant is sitting in the middle of the room. Start looking at it and talking about it.

Tricky! But, well worth it.

The second strategy is begin making comments to him about his situation. This is called meta-commenting. You are not making comments about him! You are making comments about his situation and/or the consequences of his behavior. This is a powerful tool when conveyed charging neutral.

The full tape is on my site.

I want you to take 15 minutes to listen to the tape. Will you do that? Please!

Once you listen to the tape, I will give you a link that sends you to a simple form where you can leave your comments. These comments are IMPORTANT. You know what it's like. I can learn from you. Others can learn from you. (I'm totally convinced that learning from others coping with infidelity is THE most powerful way to learn - along with guided help from professionals.)

Once you leave your comment, you will be automatically included in a group that will get first chance to receive one of only 50 produced copies of Break Free From the Affair - 19 LIVE Laser Coaching Sessions with Dr. Huizenga. This 6 CD packet with workbook offers emotional relief and gives you clarity to pinpoint the break free strategies that work best for YOU.

CHILDREN: What’s the effect of adultery and divorce on young children?

2007-07-23T18:22:00.000-07:00

Dr. James Dobson (from the book “Love Must Be Tough”)

“God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16). He knows the devastation that it inflicts, not only on adults, but even more severely on young children! That is, of course, the soft part in my heart. I have a special tenderness for kids who hurt, especially those who ache for the arms of a departed parent ….

One of those kids, Lisa Castro, a friend of my daughter, wrote the following poem and addressed it to her father. She said,

Father, I wonder
Did you want to leave us?
I’ve always wondered why.
Did you ever wonder how it could have been?
Did it ever make you cry?
I sit at home and think of you – and how our lives could be.
I’ve always wished, so very much, that you were here with me.
I feel like a part of me has somehow never grown.
Do you ever think of me? My father? My own?

I don’t know the circumstance which caused Lisa’s father to leave, but often the motive for family disintegration is nothing more substantial than unbridled selfishness. In those instances, I must ask what sexual thrills – what romantic extravaganzas, what conflict – could justify the pain of a child like Lisa? It will be remembered for a lifetime!”

ANGER: How can I ever be with someone who has betrayed me?

2007-07-22T18:27:00.000-07:00

From: www.affairrecovery.com

"Physiologically we are wired for survival. When in danger, we have a natural reaction of hyper-arousal where our body prepares for personal defense or escape. We experience a burst of energy and anxiety. While that physiological reaction is useful in times of physical danger, it can be difficult to control when it’s an emotional interaction with another person. In a less civilized era, the “fight or flight” response kept us alive in a hostile world, but in modern times, if left unchecked, it will cause problems.

For those suffering from a betrayal, the pain can trigger that primal fight or flight response. But hopefully, there are internal checks and balances that keep anger from becoming a destructive force. Other emotions such as love, compassion, respect, and integrity can help form a safety net that prevents anger from going out of control. As I said, the anger is not the problem; it’s how anger is expressed that causes problems.

... anger is not the problem. Who wouldn’t be hurt and angry if betrayed, slighted, or rejected by a loved one? But anger needs to be expressed assertively not aggressively. The truth needs to be spoken, but it needs to be spoken in love, not in a fit of rage with the intent to destroy. There is no glory in attacking a mate who has taken responsibility for a wrong done and who is trying to make amends. It may help bring momentary relief, but in the long run, it leaves only an empty and alone feeling. No amount of torture will be sufficient to stop the pain that was initially inflicted. Furthermore, the torture performed as a response to that pain will leave both parties in a worse state than before. It will ultimately cost you all you hold dear.

You may be asking, “How can I ever be with someone who has betrayed me?” and that’s a great question. The answer will never be found in fits of rage. You may not choose to be with the one who betrayed you. Your mate may fail to accept responsibility for what has happened which may leave you feeling unsafe. He or she may choose to abandon you, leaving you few choices. You may feel incapable of getting beyond the pain or you may have lost the desire to be with your mate. These are all possible outcomes. But if you continue to respond with integrity and honor, respect and love, then at the very least, when all is said and done, you will have your own self-respect and life intact. "

MARRIAGE HEALING / RESTORATION: Is it really possible to restore my broken marriage?

2007-07-20T22:02:00.000-07:00

MARRIAGE HEALING / RESTORATION: I have done everything I can to forgive my mate, but I still don’t think I can ever feel affectionate toward this person who deliberately broke my heart. Is it really possible to still restore the marriage back to health, even when the relationship seems beyond the grave?

Dr. James Dobson:

“I’ve seen the Author of Love ‘restore the years the locusts have eaten’ for those who have tried to obey Him. I’ll conclude with a letter from Jacque, who has been where you, the reader, may be today:

Dear Dr. Dobson,

I was married to an unbeliever for 14 years in what proved to be a living hell on earth. There’s no way I can describe how terrible Brent treated me during that time. I considered running away or anything that might help me cope. It seemed that my prayers and my church work were useless in bringing me peace of mind. Gradually, I gave in to the advances of another church member.

He was so unhappily married and inevitably we became deeply involved in an affair.

This man’s wife then died of heart disease and I intended to divorce my husband to marry him. But when Brent saw that he was losing me with no hope of reconciliation, he quietly gave up all the terrible treatment of me and became kind almost overnight. He even changed occupations to give him more time at home.

This put me in a very difficult situation. I loved the other man and felt I couldn’t live without him and yet I knew it was wrong to divorce my husband. By an act of sheer faith, I broke off the relationship with the other man and did what I believed to be right in the eyes of God. For 3 years, I did not feel anything for my husband. I claimed the Scriptures and believed that if I would do what they said, the Lord would give me what I had never had. I admit that I went through a terrible struggle with my emotions at this time.

During the last 2 years, however, God has poured out a blessing on us that you can’t believe! I am so committed to my husband that I find myself loving the man I hated for 14 years. God has given me this intense affection for him. Now, something else has happened. Our children have grown so close to us and love each other as never before. We love to look in the Scriptures for things to obey and then we make a commitment to do what we’ve read. First it included a daily study of the Word and now it involves church work – together. We are a witness to all those who see this incredible change in our family.

I said all that to say this. It is worth everything to follow God’s will, even when it contradicts our desires. Oh, there’s always the temptation to chuck it from time to time. But I’d rather spend 5 minutes in real fellowship with the Lord than a lifetime in fun and games. I can truly say it works!

Thank you.

Jacque

It will work in your family too.”

A Book of Hope, Healing, and Growth

2007-07-16T00:40:00.000-07:00

A recommended resource from www.beyondaffairs.com.

The groundbreaking book on recovering from infidelity and surviving extramarital affairs... and coming out stronger and more in love than ever. An inspiring true story of one couple's journey
to healing after the devastation of betrayal ... "This Book is for Everyone!" ..."Spellbinding, Suspenseful, Compelling"

From Tragedy to Triumph

Don't just survive an affair

Become a better, happier and stronger person

On the other side of the crisis

Discover the Secrets

How to Prevent Affairs

How to Survive an Affair

How to Support a Friend or Family Member through the Painful Aftermath of an Affair

CHURCH: Friends and acquaintances in the church avoid speaking to me. I’m great everywhere but in the church! What can I do?

2007-07-15T23:18:00.000-07:00

Jim Smoke (from the book “Single Again and Secure in God’s Love”):

“Don’t blame God for the mistakes of His children!

It is a tragic commentary on people who are supposed to share the love of God with everyone, regardless of whether they understand or agree with their struggle.

Divorce is the only major crisis in which most of your social support systems disappear, and many new support systems are only temporary.

I struggle with trying to understand church people who cannot rally around a person who is experiencing divorce. I know it is hard to remain neutral and caring if they have been a friend to both the husband and wife, but I also know that real friends don’t bail out on you when you are faced with one of life’s most difficult struggles.

What can you do if your church family offers no love or care while your world is falling apart? Here are solutions that work well.

Don’t get mad at God. He didn’t do it.
Don’t get mad at His children. They should know better but they are human.
Don’t abandon your personal walk with God. You need Him.
If you don’t feel loved and cared for in your church, find a new one.

Divorce can make you mad at everyone, including God. You may have even prayed that God would intervene and put your marriage back together. But it has not happened and your faith in God may be a little thin right now. It may be hard to really believe God loves you when He doesn’t give you what you have asked for.

Many divorced people that I meet have been forced to live out a bad decision made by their former spouse. That bad decision has placed them where they do not want to be, but God’s promise to you from Hebrews 13:5 is still in effect: ‘I will never leave you nor forsake you.’

Reminder: God loves divorced people. He just hates divorce because He knows it hurts His children.

God plus you is always a majority! “

STRATEGIES: How do I survive the infidelity of my spouse?

2007-07-14T22:37:00.001-07:00

Anne Bercht (http://www.beyondaffairs.com)

10 STRATEGIES FOR SURVIVING THE INFIDELITY OF YOUR SPOUSE:

People have no idea just how painful and difficult surviving infidelity really is, unless they have been there themselves. During the initial stages one seems to be literally teetering between life and death. This is not just a bad day or something you will 'just get over.' It is worse than death. It is living through your worst nightmare.

Recently I watched a documentary on television regarding 'the unforgivable sin.' I wondered what the unforgivable sin according to Hollywood might be. The program was about a man whose wife and child had been killed in a motor vehicle accident caused by the selfish, thoughtless and negligent behavior of a teenager engaging himself in streetcar racing. I thought to myself, how much more devastated would that man have been to find out it had not been a stranger who had caused his pain, but rather his own wife who had secretly gone out and given away the most intimate part of their marriage and then had proceeded to lie to and deceive him regarding this betrayal for who knows how long. I admit the redeeming factor regarding surviving infidelity, is that people don't usually die physically. (They certainly do emotionally.) Therefore there is hope of rebuilding life on the other side of infidelity, but this man will never see his wife and child on this earth again.

Imagine a smooth glassy lake on a beautiful sun shiny day. Then imagine that someone manages to drop a gigantic bolder right into the middle of the lake from a considerable height. Kursplash!!! Peace now destroyed, the water splashes up out of the lake and back down creating a ripple, a wave, and it continues one ripple after another getting bigger and bigger until even the outer edges of the lake have felt the effect of the giant bolder. This is the way that it is with affairs. Chaos where there once was beauty and calm. Sure in some marriages there were problems before an affair, but affairs happen in good marriages too. However, unlike many other wrongs human beings are capable of committing, marital infidelity creates far reaching consequences of pain and destruction. It doesn't just hurt the person who has been betrayed, it hurts children, friends and family members. People who are surviving infidelity begin scapegoating, that is taking out their anger, frustration and pain on others who have nothing to do with it. Then there are those left to cope with STD's including one woman in our group who saving herself for marriage, was a virgin on her wedding day. Her reward, the pain of venereal disease, a wedding gift from the man she saved herself for. What about pregnancy? What about the children who grow up feeling that they don't really belong, because they are the product of an affair?

In the initial stages after discovering a spouse's betrayal, it is very difficult to cope. We go into shock, sometimes anger, we can't think straight. Some of us behave like obsessive neurotics, doing all we can to win back our spouse (as if it were our fault in the first place). 'Surviving Infidelity.' This would be an appropriate term because that is exactly what we are doing, surviving one moment at a time. Most of us reported the inability to eat or sleep and significant weight loss. We were unable to cope with our regular jobs. One woman reported being on the edge of an emotional break down. Another remembered having to go to her job, only to find herself racing out of an important meeting to vomit, and then returning, attempting to appear somewhat composed. Embarrassed, ashamed and not free to share the truth, she commented to those concerned, "I must have gotten food poisoning."

We must live through this mess. We have no choice, but how? How can we go about the overwhelming task of surviving infidelity? One day at a time? No, even that is too much. When I was going through it, I survived only one moment at a time.

Guide to Surviving Infidelity

1. Treat Yourself

Buy yourself a new outfit. If ever there was a time when you deserved a comfort purchase it is now, when you're surviving infidelity. Buy yourself flowers too. You need to be reminded in the midst of your blackest hour, even though your whole world has become ugly and dark, that there still is beauty in the world. It doesn't feel like it today, but there is actually still hope for your future. Visit a tanning salon, a short treatment in the soothing light is good for your mood. Doctors often recommend tanning to patients struggling with depression. Make an appointment to treat yourself to a luxury service at your local spa. This will give you something to look forward to. You may also want to consider getting your hair done. Treat yourself, today! You deserve it. You need all the mood help you can get. A nice walk in a park is not a bad idea either. Do things you normally enjoy doing, even though you don't feel like it.

Take vacations. If you have any possibility for getting away on a holiday, take it, even short holidays, a long weekend perhaps. Do not underestimate the value of mini vacations one can take in the midst of even a very busy day, like stopping to smell a bouquet of roses, to pet a dog, to have coffee with a friend or to laugh at a good joke.

Word of caution: When I say treat yourself, I don't mean junk food. You probably won't be able to eat today, but in case you are, eating foods that are bad for you will only make you feel worse as soon as their temporary high wares off. If you struggle with weight issues, comfort food eating is going to increase not decrease your feelings of despair and depression. Treat yourself in healthy ways.

2. Take Care of Your Health

You may not feel like eating while surviving infidelity, but your body needs to have basic nutritional requirements met, now more than ever, because you are going to be making important decisions that are going to have a huge impact on your future. Don't try to make these important decisions while you are starving yourself. If you can't eat, then drink a quality meal replacement beverage and take some good nutritional supplements.

3. Nurture Your Spirit

I recommend some time in spiritual reading and in quiet, meditation and prayer. (Well, maybe not so quiet, screaming at God could also be helpful. If I remember correctly, I often prayed loudly during this time!)

4. Don't Make Final Decisions While in a State of Emotional Trauma

Do not make a life altering decision while you are in the initial stages of surviving infidelity, still in a state of emotional trauma and shock. Even though it may feel as though there is no hope at all for your relationship, there may still be hope. Even though your spouse has done this awful thing, it is possible that he/she still loves you very much and perhaps you still love your spouse as well. You can leave your relationship if you want, no one will blame you, you have every right to do so, but I recommend you give yourself time before you create absolute finality. Many people have completely ended their relationships in the emotion of the moment, only to find themselves later in a 2nd marriage to someone who is 2nd best. Later both spouses realize that they both had actually loved each other more than anyone else and they could have worked it out, had they only tried. Don't doom yourself to a future filled with 'what ifs.'

5. Tell People Who Can Offer You Support

Go and visit a friend. Do not attempt surviving infidelity all alone.

6. Plan Your Time

Plan your first day. How are you going to live through this? Schedule appropriate down time, but don't allow yourself to stay in bed crying all day, all week. The reality is that if you are in the process of surviving infidelity, you are in the middle of a war, whether you like it or not. You have no choice. You have just been invaded by a great enemy who is bound and determined to ruin your whole life. You are going to have to stand up and fight for your own survival. Do not let the enemy win. Fight to survive. So if you choose to allow yourself a down time, that's okay. A time of grieving is quite appropriate. Schedule your down time. Plan it. How long will you allow yourself to stay in bed? A day? Three days? A whole week is probably too long. Of course you may have times of crying daily for a while, but make it that, times of crying, not whole days in bed.

When surviving infidelity, give yourself permission to mourn. Something has been stolen from you. You can never get it back. Something has been lost forever. You will never again be able to know that since your marriage you are the only one your husband/wife has ever been with. The most important promise, a vow, has been broken. Life will never be the same again. And it's okay to cry about that.

Then force yourself to get up, dress nicely and do something constructive every day. I know you don't feel like it, but I'm cheering for you. I believe in you. You can conquer this great evil that seeks to destroy your entire existence. You're surviving infidelity.

7. Educate Yourself About Affairs Through Reading

There are many helpful articles available on this website, and a list of helpful books.

8. Join a 'Beyond Affairs' Support Group

You need all the support and perspective you can get from people who have been there and understand.

9. Counseling

This is a quality of life issue. Many people have found counseling to be an invaluable help in surviving infidelity. The best way to find a good counselor is through referrals. If you don't have one referred to you, you may have to resort to the yellow pages. Just remember you don't have to stay with a counselor that you don't like. If you find one is not helpful, don't hesitate to look for another. They are not all the same. This is for you. Now more than ever go with what works for you. Drop what doesn't work. It can also be a good idea to make an appointment with your medical doctor.

10. Laughter is Good Medicine

Watching a good comedy or spending time with someone who's got the gift of humor can be invaluable when surviving infidelity. This week I found humor in this woman's honest sharing; apparently her husband had to stop by her home to drop off a check which belonged to her. He is now living with the other woman. "Don't you dare bring that other woman to our house," Jane (not her real name) warned her husband. Jane's concerned friends warned her, "Jane, you've got to be on your best behavior." Jane seriously considered this advice. She considered what her best possible behavior would be if her husband brought this other woman to her home. Her 'best behavior' would be to go out there and smash their car in with a cane!!! (She is normally a gentle, quiet and calm lady.) We are happy to announce that her husband heeded her warning and left the other woman in the car down the street.

A final word of advice: Stay strong and be brave. Life is a continuous battle, but when an enemy strikes the hardest, it is no time for weakness. It's a time to stand up and fight with everything that is within you. You can make it through this, but it will take time. Give yourself time in surviving infidelity.

How To Win Back Your Cheating Spouse

2007-07-14T22:30:00.000-07:00

1.) DON'T say "I love you"

Saying "I love you," especially repeatedly, often pushes your spouse away and in essence, probably does not reflect the truth of what you really want to say.

Here are ways your spouse might respond internally when he hears those words from you:

Yeah right! What does she want now? She's just saying that so I won't leave. Or, she's just saying that so I will leave the other woman. She's using that to manipulate me. So, I will walk away or not say anything.

He loves ME? Yeah right! How can he love me when I do something like this? It doesn't make sense. Who would love someone who fools around on them? If he fooled around on me, I know I wouldn't love him.

Hey, this is cool! I got two of them wanting me. Man, it feels great to be pursued by two people. It is great to be loved by two people. (This may not be acknowledged but it might lie behind a need to continue the soap opera drama.)

She loves Me? What in the world does that mean? What is she trying to say when she says that? I don't understand. Is that all she can say? Isn't there more she needs to say to me? How am I to respond? Say, "I love you too?" Geezzz louise, it's not that simple.

I hate it when he says, "I love you." That really makes him unattractive. He seems so sickeningly needy when he says that. And, that really turns me off. When he says it, I think of a whining lost little boy who needs reassurance. Sorry, but I'm not there. I don't want to be a mother.

2) DON'T criticize, complain, whine, nag

This should be fairly obvious. Criticizing, complaining, whining and nagging are not attractive! Who wants to be around such a person? When I criticize or complain I have a hard time being around myself. This behavior is usually an attempt to deal with the internal tension you feel. You don't know where to go with the tension, so it seeps out around the edges.

And, of course, your spouse will respond in his/her typical fashion, probably by moving away or countering you with his/her negativity. Ever feel like you hit a brick wall, time and time again? What does your criticism, complaining and nagging actually get for you? Give it some thought.

Can you find a different way to let this person know what you want, what you need or how you would like your life to be, without resorting to something that is absolutely guaranteed to give you the opposite of what you truly desire?

3) DON'T say "I've changed"

In an attempt to persuade a spouse to stop an affair or restore a relationship you may use the ploy, "But I've changed I'm a different person" or "I swear I'll change."

4) DON'T Argue, Reason, Plead

You may believe that the more persistent you are in trying to get your spouse to "understand," the better off you may be. Not always true. Usually, it has the opposite effect.

An affair is not based on logic. One's quest to "find him/herself" through an affair has little to do with reason. The allure of the other person, whatever that allure might be, has little respect to reason, logic and thinking and talking something through together.

Arguing, reasoning and pleading keep the focal point on each other. It keeps the relationship bound together (we call it enmeshment) in a powerfully negative and destructive way. You merely continue to rehash the old stuff with the same fruitless outcome.

5) DON'T get friends and family involved

It is not uncommon to look for an ally.

But don't seek out an informant. (i.e. quiz others about what your spouse is saying and doing) You pump for information. You may look for signs of hope and hang intently on every word of your ally.

And don't enlist a friend or family member to be your mouthpiece to talk to your spouse on your behalf.

Getting friends and family involved only worsens your situation.

6) DON'T Act helpless, depressed

Talk about unattractive. It takes a tremendous amount of energy for someone to be in relationship with a person who consistently acts helpless and depressed. People, over time, weary of being around such a person. Do you like being around a depressed person?

7) Don't give up opposite sex relationships

If your partner is involved in an affair, you must likely have the tendency to shun people of the opposite sex. There are a number of reasons for this.

First, you probably do not feel very attractive or desirable. As I've noted in other writings, being on the receiving end of an affair dumps self-esteem down the toilet. Even if you had an interest in pursuing a relationship, this would get in the way.

An interesting phenomenon I observe very frequently is that the spouse having the affair sends a subtle or not so subtle message that only he/she is allowed to have an extramarital relationship. It is his/her domain.

If the offended partner begins a relationship with a person of the opposite sex the person having the affair may become jealous and disturbed, sometimes extremely so. Make sense? No, but then again, not much about affairs makes sense.

You may hold back from having an opposite sex relationship because you believe it will only give permission to your partner to continue the affair and provide further ammunition for him/her to truly leave. This does occur, but only in particular kinds of affairs and, I believe, only in a minority of situations. It will NOT be a major factor in his/her decision to truly end the marriage.

Holding back from developing an opposite sex relationship typically indicates you are doggedly determined to focus on what your partner and what he/she is doing or not doing. You are riveted on this painful elusive relationship. It occupies your every moment and breath. To think of having a life of your own seems terribly foreign.

When I talk about having a relationship with someone of the opposite sex, I'm NOT talking about dating or sleeping around. Don't jump off the bridge. But, there is such a thing as a healthy relationship with those of different gender.

8) Don't get reassurance from children

Please don't intentionally involve your children.

Here's what I mean.

Don't share information with them about their other parent.

Don't try to pry information from them about your spouse.

Don't ask (in any way) for them to agree with you or side with you or comfort you.

Don't talk about your spouse to them in any way shape or manner.

You can say directly: I'm having a difficult time right now, but I'm doing everything to take care of it and this too shall pass. I will always be here for you.

9) Don't Use the Bible or Dr Laura

It is a natural impulse to want to beat your wandering spouse over the head, not literally, of course. Well, maybe... (Just kidding. Don't do it!)

But, on a number of occasions I've run across those who throw Bible verses, selected passages from books or talk show hosts comments about the immorality and path of perdition he/she is following by engaging in an affair.

Now, granted, engaging in an affair is sin because it certainly does miss the mark in terms of having an authentic and truth-filled relationship and it certainly has dire consequences in which the other does walk down a difficult path. However, using this as a weapon to stop the affair brings dubious results at best.

Beating him/her over the head with moral persuasion most likely will increase his/her resolve, if not openly at least internally, to oppose you. Poor strategy!

10) Don't suggest counseling

OK, what's the deal? A therapist who is recommending that you NOT pursue counseling with your spouse? Yes, exactly. Believe me, I've seen hundreds of couples and counseling when an affair is involved seldom, and I mean real seldom, works.

In most communities, getting counseling is the thing to do when there are marital problems. Family, friends, clergy and other say, "Have you gotten counseling?" Many spouses agree to attend. It usually lasts for a few sessions, if that.

He/she often enters counseling guardedly and with little intent to self disclose. He/she usually in some fashion sabotages counseling. It doesn't work.

Here's the kicker: the person is then able to say, "Well, we got counseling, and it just didn't work out!" Counseling becomes a rationalization to pull further away.

11) Don't tell him/her we need to work on the relationship

This usually means you want to go back to the way the marriage used to be. You remember the good times and your intent is to recapture them. Or you believe that the two of you, focusing on each other with more purpose, can change the flow of the relationship.

The spouse involved with the other person may concede to trying, since it serves basically the same purpose as counseling he/she can at some point say, "See, we tried and it just didn't work." It may ease the guilt or give internal permission to pursue with more vigor the other person.

Dr. Robert Huizenga (the 'Infidelity Coach')

Dr Huizenga has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity.

He has written a book, "Break Free from the Affair".

DIVORCE AND REMARRIAGE: What does the Bible say about divorce? Is remarriage ever permissible for Christians?

2007-07-14T22:21:00.000-07:00

Dr. James Dobson (from chapter 11 of book, “Love Must be Tough”):

“I believe the Christian has biblical grounds for remarriage when the divorce transpired under one of the three situations: 1.) when the marriage and divorce occurred prior to salvation. 2.) when one’s mate is guilty of sexual immorality and is unwilling to repent and live faithfully with the marriage partner 3.) When one of the mates is an unbeliever and willfully and permanently deserts the unbelieving partner.”

“When one’s mate is guilty of sexual immorality and is unwilling to repent and live faithfully with the marriage partner….. Each case must be considered independently. Nevertheless, we cannot ignore or deny what Christ said in Matthew 19:9: “And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”

Throughout my Christian life I have operated under a very simple – yet reliable – principle of interpretation: If the normal sense makes good sense, seek no other sense. Let’s do that here. When a spouse is guilty of immoral sexual conduct with another person and is unwilling to remain faithful to the innocent partner, the option is there for the faithful mate to divorce and remarry …

Two thoughts need to be emphasized. First, this is not simply a case of quickie sex on the sly – a one-time-only experience. This is ‘porneia.’ I take this to mean an immorality that suggests a sustained unwillingness to remain faithful. I hesitate to use the term lest I be misinterpreted – but I think of the idea of an immoral lifestyle, an obvious determination to practice a promiscuous relationship outside the bonds of marriage.

Second, the faithful mate has the option to leave .. but such is not mandatory. I have seen numerous marriages rebuilt rather than ended because the faithful partner had no inner peace pursuing a divorce. How much better to look for ways to make the marriage work rather than anxiously anticipate evidence that is needed to break off the relationship.

But there are occasions when every attempt has been made to keep the marriage together … but sustained sexual infidelity won’t allow it. It is in such cases our Lord grants freedom from that miserable and unbearable bond.”

SECRECY: Should the betrayed, wounded spouse tell no one, be silent, or keep secret the infidelity of his or her wayward spouse?

2007-07-14T22:19:00.000-07:00

Dr. James Dobson (commenting on 4 victims from the book “Love Must Be Tough”):

“The psychological consequences of sinful behavior should be experienced by the guilty… If there is anything that an adulterer does not need, it is a guilt-ridden mate who understands her indiscretion and assumes the blame for it. Such a person needs to be called to accountability, not excused by rationalization! That’s why being married to a tolerant, compassionate husband or wife who instantly forgives and forgets can give an infidel a one-way to ticket to hell! And I mean that literally.”

“Remember that each of the victims diligently concealed the truth to preserve his or her partner’s reputation. Though each case must be considered individually, especially where children are concerned, the degree of secrecy maintained in those instances seems unwarranted to me. It was almost masochistic of Sue and Mary Ann to tell no one, not a living soul, about the agony they were suffering in silence. Mike and Jen guarded their secrets as well. All four of them were taken to the brink of suicide.

Because of this concealment, other natural consequences of infidelity were avoided. The adulterer was under no gentle pressure from fellow Christians who would have reinforced responsible behavior; none of the offenders had to justify his conduct to his older children; none was asked to move into new and inconvenient living quarters; none, apparently, was denied sexual privileges from the rejected spouse (Sue even became warmer at the time of disclosure and immediately asked for forgiveness); none had to pay a marriage counselor; none had to support a lawyer (or two of them); none faced the financial pressures of maintaining two residences; and alas none had to look himself in the mirror each morning and ask ‘Why does everyone seem to think it’s my fault.’ Under the circumstances, we should not be surprised that the affairs involving the three husbands continued through the years. (Mike’s wife was in a different situation, but she still needed discovery and confrontation.) It should have been expected.

The lure of infidelity is an addiction to an individual who has a chink in his moral armor. While some people are chemically dependent on alcohol or heroine or cocaine, this kind of infidel is hooked on illicit sex. Psychologically, she needs the thrill of the chase, the clandestine meetings, the forbidden fruit, the flattery, the sexual conquest, the proof of manhood or womanhood, and in some cases, the discovery. And like the drug abuser, he is constantly attempting to reform. He promises with sincerity never again to yield to his habit. But unless his entire social milieu acts to support that commitment, he is likely to forget it. In the case of the husbands of our three female guests, they were cradled in a forgiving and protective environment that encouraged and supported their folly. What they needed were wives who were committed to the concept that love must be tough.”

GUILT: My wife tried to make me feel guilty when she left… despite my desperate attempts to hold things together. In her mind, I failed so miserably

2007-07-14T22:17:00.000-07:00

Dr. James Dobson:

“ Yes, it often happens. Guilt is a very painful emotion, and the person who is willfully tearing up a home in pursuit of a new lover is in an uncomfortable position. He or she feels condemnation from 4 primary sources: from the wounded spouse, from the children, from friends and associates, and from God. In order to justify her behavior, she energetically constructs a verbal defense around those who would testify against her in a court of moral law. Her purpose, of course, is to make adultery seem reasonable and downright godly. That takes some creativity! “

Dr. Dobson's "New Woman"

2007-07-13T20:40:00.000-07:00

Dr. James Dobson, in his bestselling book, "Love Must Be Tough," wrote about the phenomenon of the "new woman," a product of the radical feminism of our times. Dr. Dobson mentions its positive side. But he also explains its downside that could predispose or push some women to immorality and adultery.

Here are some excerpts from the book of Dr. Dobson to help us understand better what he means by the "new woman:"

"... There have been casualties, too, especially when the philosophy of radical feminism is adopted uncritically by former traditionalists. I'm referring to the role reversal and change in lifestyle that often occurs when a loving wife and mother suddenly becomes a 'new woman.' ... One day she is raising a family, maintaining a home, doing her best to live on a budget, undergirding her husband in his career, helping out at the church or at the PTA or the hospital, and trying to serve God to the best of her ability. Then overnight, or so it would seem, she makes a ninety-degree turn and becomes somebody else."

"The saddest chapter in the life of the new woman occurs when she runs -- runs from her children -- runs to establish a new identity -- runs to the arms of another man. I remember one young woman whom I had watched with interest during her childhood and adolescence ...as a college coed, as a bride, and then as a mother. But the babies came too fast for her. She couldn't handle the stresses ... But I underestimated her frustration until the day she disappeared. She left behind three beautiful kids and a bewildered, wounded husband. Her behavior changed, her faith evaporated, her morals crumbled ... And five people in that little family will never be the same."

Why Join B.A.N.? (Testimonials)

2007-07-12T21:41:00.001-07:00

http://www.beyondaffairs.com

Brian and Anne Brecht, B.A.N. international directors / authors

"Thank you so much for the meeting tonight. It makes me stronger to be around people who understand what I am experiencing. Thanks for your encouragement, the books and information and most of all for your friendship."

"BAN helps to change scattered destructive thoughts into focused thinking as one struggles to accept and understand the normal healing phases after affairs. Betrayed spouses are finally breaking the "Code of Secrecy," talking about the trauma associated with affairs."

"I felt lost, alone and afraid. Finding BAN was my lifeline. I was no longer alone in my pain. I found healing."

"Finding people through BAN helped me realize that the feelings of despair and the pain I was experiencing were shared by many others. The knowledge that I was not alone in that dark place helped me on my journey back to life. "

"I am so appreciative such a group was started and I feel fortunate to have dialogue with others who have experienced the same pain. "

"I can come here and share and even if ya'll think I'm nuts (you won't be the only ones) at least here a group understands part of my struggle. "

"I only wish that such a group had existed here many years ago; it would have saved me years of pain and anguish. "

"As I look back on our meeting, I realize that not one of us said, "Do you know what I mean?" We all knew. What a relief, knowing that someone understands—really understands. "

"I never would have dreamed that the day would come when I would need a support group to help me through the aftermath of an affair. "

"I find the interaction more helpful than just simply reading a book.
BAN has been an incredible lifeline for me when I needed it. Until it happens to you, there is just no way to truly convey the feeling of devastation.
One man drives two hours each way and has never missed a meeting. He had talked to no one for four years before BAN." (From a Coordinator)

"Needing a group like BAN and without one in my town, Peggy encouraged me to start a group. Now, comes this outpouring of people in need of a group like BAN." (From a Coordinator)

"One of the first amazing things to me is how international this group is... I felt so alone in my small little city ...and then suddenly with e-mails from Maui and Memphis...South Africa and Australia...I felt part of something bigger and safer in an interesting way." (From a Coordinator's perspective)

"Can't tell you how grateful I am to have you and your group at our church." (From the coordinator of support activities at our host location)

"Yes, there is a life BEYOND THE AFFAIRS, and this support group encourages that a good life is possible, beyond the affair."

"I am very glad I went to the BAN meeting. You all made me feel at ease, and I left feeling better about myself and my situation. I especially benefitted from realising that a personal recovery may take more like 2 years, than 6 months. Probably I had already read that from the Dearpeggy website, but to hear it face to face from people who have real experience made me feel less worried that I have not coped and dealt well enough with my crisis in my relationship with my wife. Also, as I said at the end of the meeting, it is helpful to see that others, who seem to be good, attractive, and capable people, can have similar problems, not all of their own making. Hearing the hurtful experiences of some of the group made me realise with gratitude that my wife at least did not deceive me, and did not walk out on me as she might have. "

"Thank you for your commitment to this most awful issue - you were great cheer person at the meeting giving us all a chance to speak." (Comment by a member to their Coordinator)

"BAN helped me realize it takes longer to 'get over it' than on TV. Knowing that others have those thoughts and it's normal. "

"It was so helpful to hear from others who are years down the track, particularly about the length of time it takes to heal and what it requires to heal. Also helpful just being able to talk and listen to other people's stories. "

"I now understand that healing takes time and lots of talking about the subject.
It was nice to have people all in one room who have gone through similar situations and can empathise with the wide variety of feelings involved when one is on the receiving end of an affair. So thank you for the support and keep up the good work.
So helpful just talking to other people and finding I am not the only person in this situation. "

"I came to the meeting broken and in despair. I met women with similar casualties and suddenly my aloneness disappeared. However, the most monumental help for me was that I stopped divorce procedure because I realized something very important. I realized, as our group got larger and larger, that even if I left my husband of many years, chances were that another man I might meet would probably be an adulterer. Just look at all these women!! Their husbands and exes would be out there for me to meet, yuk, what a thought! I realized it's better to work out my situations with the father of my children, with a man that I had a very long history, than risking a repeat with someone new. Society and human beings being what they are today, a similar encounter is a huge possibility. "

"I remember the feeling inside me when I first read about BAN, what it was about and that there was a support group in the place I lived. Not only had my husband left me, but he had betrayed me and the pain, hurt and sadness was in reality, unbearable. I was so anxious to be able to attend a BAN support group. Knowing you are not alone and you are not insane and it is okay to feel what you are feeling really does give you permission to grieve your loss. In all this confusion to know that all you are experiencing is "normal" is such a relief! It is amazing that we all have different stories, yet the common denominator is we all feel the same pain and are able to talk openly knowing each and everyone of us understands exactly what the other is going through. Having a man in the group is inspiring as you learn that they have all the same feelings and emotions, but are not as able to express them quite the same as a woman. BAN, for me, has been a major support, as well as informative and comforting. There is so much care and concern for each of us by the others in the group because we have all been there or are still there. BAN is a safe place and you can cry and even laugh and it feels okay. We truly do receive help for ourselves as well as give help to others. "

"I left the BAN meeting with so much going thru my mind. I did so much process and pondering that night. It gave me a little more sense of peace than when I first entered that first meeting. I was actually in the presence of others who knew exactly how I felt. I felt no shame or embarrassment when sharing my story. I was with people who knew all the emotions that have been stirring in my heart, body and soul. This is the comfort of the BAN Group. I am thankful to have found BAN and others who take the time to offer me the support I need at this time. "

"For many long, lonely years I kept the secret of my pain. A chance reading of an article about BAN in our local newspaper brought me to a meeting. Finding BAN, talking and sharing with others, marked the beginning of my healing. My pain was out of the closet and into thelight. One of the most helpful aspects of BAN was listening to others' stories. It helped me to see that the pain and shame I felt were not unusual. Being in a group like this helped me to sort through the myths and misconceptions about adultery. It has been a wonderful sharing and learning experience. I do not think I could have come so far without this group experience. "

"I find it hard to talk about what happened with most people. I have VERY few people I can share this with. My parents and a few close friends know what happened and I am grateful for their support. Although for me the comfort is greater when the person has experienced the same or similar shock and betrayal, like the others in BAN. I never thought I would try to work through a situation like this. I always thought that I would leave a marriage if my husband had an affair. Those were all thoughts before I even met my husband because after meeting him I never thought he would have an affair. Yet here I am giving it every ounce of my being trying to build up this marriage. "

Longer testimonials are included below:

"Before joining BAN I felt very alone in this battle; I felt beat up, let down, worthless, ashamed, embarrassed and stupid. I was completely discouraged with life. I could not see a future being possible for me. I prayed many times for God to just let me die. But after myfirst BAN meeting I realized that I DIDN'T do anything to deserve this and my shock and my wanting to make it work was normal for some. I truly can not begin to say how much at ease I was after a few meetings to know I was not alone and someone DID understand pretty much what I was going through. If someone has not survived being cheated on they can in no way understand how you feel, no matter how much they love you or how much they want to understand. "

"BAN gave me a ticket or a pass to go on with life. It gave me hope that I could survive and that my marriage could survive, if we both worked at it. It showed me that it was ok- to not know what I wanted, and to not know what I really believed. It was good to know I was not a bad person for all the sneaking around that I did, checking out the other person or completely hating the other person so much that there were no words to describe. In BAN, I learned that the feelings, thoughts and actions, were very much like other people who had experienced a spouses infidelity. "

"BAN gives me a sense of self worth when I can use my crazy unfortunate circumstances in life to comfort that new person who has just found out about their spouses infidelity and encourage them that they can make it. My heart breaks in sympathy for what the new person feels, but, if I would have had BAN when my husbands infidelity first came out, I KNOW that I would be a much different person. I had so many days that it took everything in me to get out of bed, what I would not have given to have had someone who had been there and gone through that hurt. I was fortunate to have a counselor (social worker) that I had meet with at different points in my life to turn to. She was a Christian AND she too had experienced infidelity, so she helped me to express my feelings. BAN gives the victim a way to reach out for help without being judged or ashamed. "

"I would tell counselors to encourage people in our position to journal their feelings, and to help them to realize the extent of mood swings from "I can do this" to "God, please let me die" are normal; that it is ok to still love someone even thought they have hurt you- even when you don't understand why they acted in such a way. The realization of an affair, in my opinion is far more devastating than the death of a spouse, because it makes you doubt yourself and your self worth.
I will never be able to express in words the gift of hope that BAN has given me!
(Note: She just DID express--in beautiful words--what BAN has meant to her!) "

"I felt huge relief when I finally found the BAN information (after a year) saying that others had felt the same need as me taking WHATEVER moves were necessary to get totally out of contact with the third party to begin to recover. We took one more move and changed schools. Also that it was 'OK' that I had 'broken the code of secrecy' letting some people know about the affair as soon as I knew, I instinctively knew I had to allow natural consequences in the early effort to get my husband's affair into the real world and out of fantasyland (I saw what I now know is an 'affair bubble' burst for myself, he still wanted his family in our case). "

"Some of the information such as why affairs happen, I found difficult to comprehend and accept on my own, I had to see it illustrated in the others I met to believe it, to take it in, and to apply it to my life as it went against the myths I had believed before. "

"Starting a support group was difficult for me, and for my husband who wanted the affair to be kept totally private at that stage. I did it really because I wasn't getting better on my own after 1 1/2 years and was willing to believe what I'd read that it could help. And it did. I learned something from each person of the 26 I met. Without the group I'd say I would have faced another affair after this one had been buried long enough as that was the way my husband preferred to deal with it. However in the group I saw so many people who had tried to move on too quickly from a first affair in the past only to have it happen again. "

"So I felt empowered and became able to negotiate a more fair relationship with my husband. He too had to work through the impact of the affair and came to accept it can never be forgotten as it has become a major learning experience for both of us."

"Six years on we have five children, three young children at the time of his affair and two since. We took about three years to begin to work through it effectively, now finally it hurts less and less. I'm no longer traumatised. He feels "bitter" about what it's cost him in terms of my trust. He is helping me get brochures out there for our local group including at the army base. I guess we both learnt ANYBODY and ANY MARRIAGE is vulnerable to an affair as we thought we were safe before because we were happy. "

"It is mainly a learning experience we continue to apply to all aspects of our lives (short term pleasure vs long term pain, someone you meet vs someone you know warts and all 24/7 etc), and it comes up as we think of how to prepare our 14 year old for her future with boys etc.. Thankfully in our case it was possible for us to stay together with our children. Whatever the future I can cope now I know alot about infidelity. So far, so good, with GOOD odds for the future (thanks to the BAN support group) which is all ANYONE can say actually!"

STANDING WITH GOD FOR MARRIAGE HEALING: How do men stand up for marriage restoration?

2007-07-12T21:15:00.001-07:00

http://www.covenantkeepersinc.org
http://rejoiceministries.org/standingfirm.php

Man Standing for a Prodigal Wife

“Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong. Do everything in love” (1 Corinthians 16:13).

For the past 20 years, standing with God for marriage restoration has seemed to be something that women do. There have always been strong male standers, but due to the fact that more men become prodigals than do women, standing men have been in the minority. At many gatherings of standers, there may be one lone man.

Things are changing, to the glory of God. We are witnessing more and more men take a strong stand for marriage restoration every day. For the most part, a man who is led to take a stand for marriage restoration becomes a strong stander, doing so until God moves, not until they change their mind. We hear of groups of male standers who get together for a meal and to pray for their wives. Charlyne and I also know of men who have come to Christ as a result of marriage problems.

Men are rising up to be the spiritual leaders, even of fractured families. They are assuming the role that God created for them. Even in the Biblical example of a stander, in the book of Hosea, God illustrated with a man standing for a prodigal wife.

We have standing men doing things God never designed them to do, by raising children alone and running a household. Nevertheless these men continue to stand strong. Yes, they have their bad days, but they do not give up on what God has called them to do.

One of the first male standers we grew to know well was Dennis Wingfield. God restored his marriage, only to be followed by the tragic death of his wife. Like most male standers. Dennis did not get bitter, but he got better, and began to write a weekly “Standing Firm” devotional for other men praying for marriage restoration. Dennis has done this each weekend for many years.

Men I salute you. I commend you for being a godly example to your wife, your family, your circle of influence, and to me. Thank you for being a forerunner in what I sense is becoming a groundswell among men, and the manly thing to do, namely praying for a prodigal wife, instead of releasing her to Satan.

(Bob Steinkamp)

STANDING WITH GOD FOR MARRIAGE HEALING: Is it practically possible for marriage to be restored after it has been broken by adultery?

2007-07-12T21:14:00.000-07:00

http://www.covenantkeepersinc.org

Covenant Moments From Different Places

“The divorce is no more! This morning the same judge who pronounced our marriage dead almost 5 years ago, happily signed the papers to vacate the divorce. It is as if it never happened! Thank the Lord that He can take broken vessels and use them for His glory. “ (USA)

Husband told a faithful wife he made a mistake marrying again and is separating from the other party born out of adultery. (Australia)

Communication with husband is opening up. He was happy to share a family meal with faithful wife for the first time in 23 years. (Asutralia)

Husband rang faithful wife and she told him she always had a home to go to – she and daughter had been thinking of him when he rang. (Australia)

Husband phoned to talk to his daughter but ended up talking to his wife instead for over an hour. She commented that she enjoyed catching up and it was good that they were friends. (New Zealand)

Faithful wife’s husband came to drop off furniture he has accumulated in a “far country.” He let her know the other woman is no longer in the picture. He told faithful wife he never stopped loving her. (USA)

“My husband came to dinner. It was the first time ever for just the two of us being together – and the first time he visited my apartment in 5 ½ years! God is working! – and we will make it through. Praise God” (Norway)

SURVIVAL: What do I do when I feel a divorce is inevitable?

2007-07-12T21:12:00.000-07:00

10 Things To Do When You Feel A Divorce is Inevitable

1.)When the reality of a divorce hits you, stop long enough to commit your entire situation to God through prayer, and ask Him to provide help, guidance, and emotional support.

2.)Call your best friends and ask them for their prayers and emotional support.

3.)Stay in touch with your feelings and share them with people you can trust.

4.)Don’t blame God for your divorce or criticize Him for His seeming inability to prevent it.

5.)Don’t panic. Remember, no matter what happens, God is still in charge.

6.)Contact an attorney to find out about your legal grounds.

7.)Make a list of all your fears. Then make a list of all your resources.

8.)Gather as many members of your family around you as you can. Ask them for their love and support.

9.)Seek out a divorce support group in your community. These often meet in churches and community colleges. Buy a copy of “Growing Through Divorce” written by Jim Smoke and read it many times.

10.) Remember that healing takes time. There is no quick fix for a divorce.

(Jim Smoke)

TRUST: How do I regain trust when someone I loved broke that trust?

2007-07-12T21:11:00.002-07:00

The pain from broken trust can be carried for years after a divorce if the healing process is denied. Broken trust makes a person bitter, angry, and vengeful. Even if only one person broke your trust, every other person on the planet of the same sex is then looked upon as untrustworthy.

Healing a broken trust starts by realizing that everyone else is not your former spouse. Hurt is often person-centered. When that person becomes more distant in your life and is no longer a primary focus, the seeds of healing can begin to grow.

Renewing your trust begins by reaching out to other people and taking a risk. All relationships are a risk, and they hold no guarantees. Can you be hurt again? Yes! Will you be hurt again? Probably! Remember that Jesus was hurt by those closest to Him. Simon Peter led the parade. But Jesus did not close the door because He understood that people are human and that they sometimes make bad decisions.

Broken relationships and broken trust can hang like a heavy weight around your neck. You can probably identify with the Psalmist when he says, “My soul melts from heaviness; strengthen me according to Your Word” (Psalm 119:28).

Renewing trust is a process. It happens ever so slowly, but it does happen.

(Jim Smoke)

CHILDREN: How do you tell the children about a parent who is immoral and violating Christian values?

2007-07-12T21:11:00.001-07:00

When boys and girls are young, I don’t recommend spending too much time pointing out the sins of their parents. Later on, when they form their own values and beliefs, they will come to understand who was the “bad guy” and who was the “good guy.”

If you paint a scarlet “A” over the sinning parent, you will make the child feel supportive of evil. If too much is said, children may feel miserable, as if they are betraying the offended, innocent mate. When children are older, and have formed their moral codes, they will probably be angry with the immoral parent.

Avoid discussing sordid details which would be hard for children to understand or forget. If they ask you, go ahead and explain that what the other parent is doing is wrong, immoral, and violating Christian values. Just don’t say too much. And please don’t tell your small children to ask the adulterous parent to explain and answer such questions. Older children, whose morals are formed, should have that right, however.

(Gary Richmond)

CHILDREN: It is easy to let my children manipulate me because they're hurting. What do I do?

2007-07-12T21:09:00.000-07:00

If you let children manipulate you, they will become more pitiful than the divorce itself made them. Given the choice, I would rather have wounded children than selfish children. Permitting selfishness is no cure for divorce pain. Love and discipline are necessary remedies, and if you choose not to give them both, you will see your children’s powers of manipulation increase with passing years. Such skills will haunt you as reminders of your failure to parent properly. All children manipulate. It is a manifestation of a selfish, fallen nature.

If your inclination to indulge your children’s desires is inspired by guilt, then ask their forgiveness as well as God’s. The only thing guilt should inspire is repentance and humility.

If your disposition to give in to your children comes from pity, then give them the kinds of gifts that will build strong characters. Your assignment has not changed, only your circumstances. Single-parent children demand more discipline, not less. More sacrifice, not less. God understands the pain of watching a Son suffer, but He did not indulge His Son’s request to remove the pain of the crucifixion. And aren’t we thankful that He didn’t?

(Gary Richmond)

MOVING ON: HOW DO I KNOW IF I'M READY TO MOVE ON?

2007-07-12T21:08:00.000-07:00

TIME an important indicator. Your ATTITUDE and FEELINGS are a solid gauge of your readiness. Think your way through the following list. It will provide helpful guidance – practical ways to measure your own degree of healing.

1.)Am I now living more in the present than in the past?
2.)Have my periods of depression become fewer and farther apart?
3.)Have I overcome my tendency to look for nurturing or rescue?
4.)Have I learned to live alone and not be lonely?
5.)Am I spiritually secure?
6.)When problems hit, do I have a problem-solving attitude or do I overreact?
7.)Have I identified my weaknesses and am I willing to work on them?
8.)Am I thankful for the hard times?
9.)Do I still entertain fantasies of reconciliation?
10.) Am I ready to contribute to a new relationship?
11.) Do I consider myself complete with God, whether or not I ever remarry?

When you move on, these are guidelines to follow to make the best possible move for the future. You have the make the right choices. You will have to have a game plan and stick to it.

(Gary Richmond)

MOVING ON (Question 1): Am I now living more in the present than in the past?

2007-07-12T21:07:00.000-07:00

Are you? Consider your thought life. Are you still spending time thinking, “What if I’d been a better mate?” or “What if my ex came back?” The number of “If onlys” and “What ifs” are solid clues to how you are progressing. Present-tense thinking deals more with “What will I do now?” and “How will it affect my future?”

(Gary Richmond)

MOVING ON (Question 2): Have my periods of depression become fewer and farther apart?

2007-07-12T21:06:00.000-07:00

No one completely escapes the depression that follows divorce. At first it hangs in gloomy clouds over every waking hour of your day. As time goes on, the periods of depression should lessen noticeably. Every one has down periods, but only a few remain incapacitated for an extended time. If you are still overshadowed by depression, then you are not ready to move on.

(Gary Richmond)

MOVING ON (Question 3): Have I overcome my tendency to look for nurturing or rescue?

2007-07-12T21:05:00.000-07:00

If you are still seeking a caring Daddy or Mommy figure to “make it all better,” you need more time. Far too many people use relationships as anesthetics. God should be our first line of defense. Then we ought to draw on our own coping mechanisms, the ones God has given us. Friends or lovers do not have it within their power to “fix” us. And bear it well in mind – if we give them that power, we make it possible for them to break us again too.

(Gary Richmond)

MOVING ON (Question 4): Have I learned to live alone and not be lonely?

2007-07-12T21:04:00.002-07:00

There is a big difference between being alone and being lonely. For most people, living alone would not be their first choice. Still, the feeling that alone is okey is a very healthy one.

(Gary Richmond)

MOVING ON (Question 5): Am I spiritually secure?

2007-07-12T21:04:00.001-07:00

We should have the inner feeling that God is caring for us, and that in His time things will come together. Such convictions are a significant indication of healing if they represent the way we really feel. Caution is in order here, however. It is easy to say we believe we are spiritually on top of things, when it is actually the way we wish we felt.

(Gary Richmond)

MOVING ON (Question 6): When problems hit, do I have a problem-solving attitude or do I overreact?

2007-07-12T21:02:00.000-07:00

Explosive and uncontrolled emotions in the face of problems are a dead giveaway that we are still the “walking wounded.” We are not ready to move on if we are still in this mode. If we are healthy, we will pray, seek responsible counsel and not overreact.

(Gary Richmond)

MOVING ON (Question 7): Have I identified my weaknesses and am I willing to work on them?

2007-07-12T20:59:00.002-07:00

Taking the time to work on our own personal inclinations before burdening someone else with them is a very important concern. This is really a matter of facing up to what part we have played in our past failures.

Ask yourself these kinds of questions:

Did I yell too much or become icily silent during intense periods of communication?
Were my spending habits responsible or did they create tension?
Was I more concerned with my needs and feelings than my mate’s?
Did I have early childhood damage that kept me from being a healthy partner?
Am I obsessive in my use of drugs or alcohol?
Do I work too much?
Do I have to be perfect and demand that standard from those around me?
Do I have problems with lust that I periodically cannot keep under control?
Do I need to be in control of those around me at all times?
Do I have violent mood swings?
Am I violent?

If you really want to be daring, try to remember the criticisms of your former mate and write them down. Ask yourself if there was any validity to his (or her) evaluation. If there was, admit it and form a game plan to deal with those issues for the sake of the future.
Let me add one thing – please don’t become obsessive about attaining perfection. Do become obsessive about being open to growth and change for the better. God designed us to be more like Jesus, and made it a process more than an event. An open, humble attitude which realizes imperfection and seeks growth is very attractive.

(Gary Richmond)

MOVING ON (Question 8): Am I thankful for the hard times?

2007-07-12T20:59:00.001-07:00

We should be able to look back at our painful circumstances and acknowledge that they brought growth and refinement. We should be able to say, “God really has been with me! I can see the changes for the better now and I don’t resent the scars.” When the Lord tells us that all things work together for good, He isn’t copping out. See Romans 8:28. It’s true. Once you can see that, you’re on your way. And believing before you see is just fine too. That’s called faith.

(Gary Richmond)

MOVING ON (Question 9): Do I still entertain fantasies of reconciliation?

2007-07-12T20:57:00.002-07:00

If you do, you should not consider moving on. It would be unfair to the next person. I have seen several cases where a person become fond of someone else while still bonded to a mate. When the mate wanted to reconcile, the still-bonded spouse returned, leaving the new love broken-hearted. It’s not right to do that to someone.

(Gary Richmond)

MOVING ON (Question 10): Am I ready to contribute to a new relationship?

2007-07-12T20:57:00.001-07:00

The least healed are those most preoccupied with their own needs. True love frees you from the bondage of your own needs – without forsaking wisdom. The wisdom I am talking about is very essential however: Do not look for another needy, wounded person to bond to! If you do, you will most certainly embrace a heartbreak.

(Gary Richmond)

Moving On (Question 11): Do I consider myself complete with God, whether or not I remarry?

2007-07-12T20:54:00.000-07:00

Is God my happiness and my sufficiency? A “Yes!” answer to this question means you are ready to graduate. If you truly believe it, you are healed. You can move on now – not because you need to, but because you want to. And you can do it with confidence.

(Gary Richmond)

FORGIVENESS: When I try to forgive, I get too emotional. Why?

2007-07-11T17:49:00.000-07:00

Forgiveness is neither easy nor clean-cut. You don’t decide you will forgive one night and wake up the next day with the job all done. How deeply you were hurt will affect how hard it is to forgive. And sometimes long after you have forgiven, the anger remains. Smedes says, “You cannot erase the past, you can only heal the pain it has left behind.” “When you are wronged, that wrong becomes an indestructible reality of your life. When you forgive, you heal your hate for the person who created that reality. But you do not change the facts. And you do not undo all of their consequences. The dead stay dead; the wounded are often crippled still. The reality of evil and its damage to human beings is not magically undone and it can still make us very mad.” (Dr. Lynda Hunter)

FORGIVENESS: I just wish my ex-wife would eplain to me why she hurt me. I don't understand. Will she ever seek forgiveness?

2007-07-11T17:47:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately, it doesn’t usually happen that way. You must decide what you are going to do and where you will head inspite of what your former wife does or does not do. Unforgiveness locks you in darkness and shackles you to the person who did you wrong. Your ex-wife probably doesn’t know why she did what she did. She probably has no clue how to forgive herself, much less ask for forgiveness from you. We usually never understand why we were hurt, but we can forgive without understanding. You need to forgive no matter what your ex-wife does. Otherwise, you and your children will suffer. (Dr. Lynda Hunter)

FORGIVENESS: But so much has happened? Where do I begin forgiving my ex-wife?

2007-07-11T17:45:00.000-07:00

Begin by deciding to forgive. Then forgive one act at a time. Remember, don’t expect anything in return. The person you are forgiving may not change at all. She may continue to inflict pain on you and give you new things on which to practice forgiveness. But the good thing is, once you decide to forgive, something releases you from prison. Strategies are learned. Mind-sets are forged. Forgiveness does not guarantee that life will go easily from there on, but unforgiveness guarantees that nothing will. It’s your choice, and you need to make it regardless of what the other person chooses to do. (Dr. Lynda Hunter)